Dear Sandy:

(I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “My partner has a hot temperament and when he gets bothered by something, he will turn cold, withdraw and not want to communicate”-

– the temperature shifts of anger: from hot to cold, cold as angry as hot. You are Stuck in an extreme weather situation inside your home (assuming you are living with him), metaphorically,  aren’t you?

“I’ve always felt like I was walking on eggshells because he felt like a time bomb“- Stuck in a war zone.

“I always try to encourage him to talk and I ask what upset him, I often find myself apologizing“- you are trying to defuse the bomb (to bring him to moderate temperatures) by encouraging him to express himself with words, and by apologizing to him.

“(I) can’t remember a time when he apologized to me“- he doesn’t mind being in the wrong, when he is in the wrong, and he doesn’t have a bomb in front of him to defuse… so no apologizing. Or he’s afraid that if he apologizes, he will lose a sense of power in the relationship.

“So essentially he’s a wall I cannot get through to, no matter how calm I am, how much I offer to listen, how available I try to make myself to talking about the problem“- an angry wall, an easily angered wall who doesn’t want to talk about his anger. I imagine that in his mind, neither him nor his anger is the problem. In his mind, are you the problem?

“Going through the silent treatment has broken me down“- his treatment of you = breaking you down, the war metaphor seems fitting.

“Each time we are in it, all I feel is anxiety, fear, hopelessness, abandonment. Over time it’s broken down my trust in him and the relationship, it’s damaged my sense of self worth and confidence“-  the consequences of war, and of being alone in it, alone against the enemy.

“And it’s made me feel like I don’t have a voice. I’ve forgotten how to express my feelings because he hasn’t allowed me to feel like I have a space to feel whatever set of emotions I’m feeling”- shoved against an angry wall, you have no space to breathe, to feel anything but that anxiety, fear, hopelessness…

“Regardless of how wrong and damaging the silent treatment is or refusing to sit down and communicate the problems a couple is facing, I cannot help but constantly feel at fault. I feel like all he sees are my reactions to situations but doesn’t see or acknowledge how I got there“-

– in his mind, you are the one at fault. I imagine that when you express distress and anger at him for being the angry wall that he is, he points to your natural, normal reactions to his actions as proof of your alleged faultiness.

“That has been a reoccurring struggle for me because  I acknowledge I am sensitive towards certain topics, I acknowledge I might show sensitivity towards other people in his life, yet I cannot help it“- you acknowledge that you are human. You can’t help being human.

“Being given the silent treatment while simultaneously watching your partner treat other people with kindness and respect beats you down“- you didn’t mention it, but I assume still that you are living with him, and the other people are visiting, or you and your partner visit them. You get a Wall, they get a Door…?

“I continually try to filter and sugar coat what I want to say to the point where I feel defeated and I feel like no matter what I say, how I say it, will never be received in a positive or supportive manner…  he will see the worst version or intention“- he sees you as the enemy, the one with bad intentions. No matter how much sugar you mix into your words, he tastes, or claims to taste bitterness…?

“I do not want to be quiet, I want to have a healthy, balanced conversation, I want to be able to go to my partner and tell him how I’m feeling without feeling anxious about his reaction or the consequences. I’m just stuck, I don’t know how to reclaim my voice here“- start perhaps with substituting the word partner with.. enemy? Because this is war, isn’t it?

“Has anyone been in a similar situation? Your thoughts and advice would be helpful.“-

– Yes, I grew up (or grew in, more accurately) with a person like your partner.. or enemy, more accurately: my mother. Like you, I was Stuck (with her). She was hot tempered and she gave me the cold, silent treatments. She was a time bomb, and I too felt like I was walking on eggshells, stuck in a war zone. I too tried and failed to defuse the time bomb but she was a wall and none of my efforts got through to her in any way that was positive…

Except for one effort that did get through to her and positively pleased her: when she hit me and called me names, etc., she said this one time that I remember, she said: the only thing I like about you is that when (I hit you, shame you), you say nothing back, you look down at the floor, quietly. My quiet submission to her aggression pleased her. For a while. Until the next time.

Like you, I suffered the consequences of a prolonged war (a war in which I was alone facing the enemy): anxiety, fear, hopelessness, abandonment… broken down.. trust… damaged.. sense of self worth and confidence: broken down,  didn’t grow up or outward, I grew in with a minimal sense of self.

Like you, I lost my voice, don’t remember ever having a voice. I was angry a lot, inside.. and when she saw my anger, my silent anger in my eyes.. seems like she was bewildered, as in not seeing at all that my anger was a natural reaction to her actions against me. She thought that my anger was proof that I was the faulty girl she thought I was to begin with, and she told me so. I believed her.

Like in your case, my enemy treated other people/ visitors, with kindness and respect.

No matter how much I tried to sugar coat my words as I tried to reach her, to reach her with my honesty and in some depth, she cried: BITTER. She repeatedly claimed that there were bad intentions behind my words, (re) actions, etc.

In the dynamics between my mother and I, her primary motivation was Power Over (me). My primary motivation was Positive, Honest Communication (Love). There was a lack of compatibility there, not wanting the same thing.

My advice: leave the war zone and attend quality psychotherapy.. and post again, if you would like. It may help to talk further..?

anita

Dear Sandy:

“Being given the silent treatment… I find myself going over a series of events multiple times and wanting to speak out and fixating on what to say and what the best ways to say it“-

– it gets very noisy inside you when you get angry silence from the outside.

“I’ve forgotten how to express my feelings because he hasn’t allowed me… I do not want to be quiet, I want to have a healthy, balanced conversation… I’m just stuck“-

– the loudest part of your internal noise is feeling at fault (“I cannot help but constantly feel at fault”), is it? If so, would you like to elaborate on your history of feeling-at-fault, past and present, give it a voice here, so that it will not be so loud on the inside, so loud that it keeps you stuck?

anita

Why does fear control so much? That is a very interesting question.  It is an emotional reaction to events that surrounds us. Emotions are very difficult to control while one is going thru it.

For me to get control of my fear, I needed to recognize the conditions for it to happen. Then, have a plan to not feel the fear. Exercising this control will eventually allow me to stop feeling fear. Well, at least not fear when those triggers or conditions appeared.

I know that I do not have the power to control others nor others reactions. But, have planned what to do in those situations. Sometimes plan to avoid it thru escape or confrontation. It is tough to do. But, if I didn’t change then nothing changes.