April 27, 2020 at 11:23 am #351616
This is my first post on these forums. I’ve found them as I struggle to come to terms with my six month long relationship coming to an end 5 days ago.
i am feeling lost and confused about how we have ended up where we are currently.
So our story goes like this;
I am female and gay. I have been out for 16yrs.
We both have baggage, mine involved an almost 8yr relationship with an alcoholic who was emotionally abusive towards me for the better part of that time.
She has just discovered her sexuality and ended her 9yr marriage. She has children and a religious background. We are both in our mid 30’s.
We met during a night out and instantly clicked. I’d never clicked so quickly and naturally with anyone before. I wanted to know everything about her.
We fell in love fast and spent a lot of time together. It was great. I met her children, they gradually warmed to me but struggled with the absence of their dad and their mums sexuality.
We communicated wonderfully. I’d never had a relationship unfold so naturally before. She didn’t fit the box I had in my head for what I was looking for in a partner(looks wise and already having children) but I fell in love with her deeply and was getting a lot of joy from being in her children’s lives.
I felt like I’d finally met a good one, someone on my level.
She broke up with me 5 days ago. This would have been a complete surprise except she had also broken up with me one month prior to that and we reconciled 2 days later. She’d said she’d never felt so sad in her life and couldn’t understand why she was making herself suffer like that.
Her reasoning behind both break ups was the same. She felt she needed to be alone as she has not really done that in her life time. It took me months to find out she’d only been seperated from her husband for maybe 3-4 weeks when I met her. Her kids are extremely needy. I suspect part of this is the change in the family dynamic.
Her ex husband is not supportive of her sexuality and has made many off hand comments about her/me/our relationship and refused to meet me.
She told me she feels she isn’t happy with herself and that is preventing her from loving me the way that I love her and that is why she needs the time alone to clear her head and figure herself out.
I know she has struggled with this, I have seen her struggle with being a single mum, trying to co-parent with her ex and also maintain a relationship with me. She says our relationship is good, it’s actually really good but she doesn’t feel she has the ability to match my feelings.
On one hand, I understand. Her life has completely altered in just a 7month period. On the other hand, if our relationship is good and she thinks I’m amazing, why push me away?
She wants us to be friends, I don’t want that. I’m in love with her.
The last 5 days have been miserable. I miss her, I miss her kids. We decided 3 days ago to not call, text, interact on social media etc to give each other space for a couple weeks before meeting back up so I can collect my things from her place.
I am definitely holding out hope that in that time she will realise we should be together or that she does want something with me in the future. I feel I am setting myself up for some more heartache but I also don’t want to close myself off to any possibilities.
She maintains the issue isn’t me because I am “perfect” and the problem lies within herself.
To me, if I am all these things(amazing,perfect,sweet,kind,considerate) than why let me go?
I feel the persistent offer of friendship is her way of not losing me completely.
She has contradicted herself during this break up by saying things like she wants me to live my life, move on and be happy and meet someone else and in the next breath says maybe one day we can be friends who have sex.
I feel she is genuinely confused about what she wants and how she feels, how to figure it out and get clarity. She’s very up and down with her emotions.
I am just heartbroken. I love her so much and our relationship was really great, something she hasn’t denied. We rarely fought.
I just don’t know what to do. Any advice would be most welcome.