Stonewalling

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This topic has 11 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 1 month ago by dreaming715.

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March 27, 2018 at 11:24 am #199717

Anonymous
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Dear tori:

It reads to me that there is serious element of dishonesty in his behavior- ending the relationship with you “out of the blue”,without telling you his honest reasons, but instead giving you what you termed “fake reasons”, then coming up with reasons that make me wonder why he didn’t share these with you when he broke up with you.. or before.

Then there is his baby’s mother getting along with you, then “all the sudden”, she changed her mind.

She had a boyfriend, then she wants your boyfriend back..

Reads to me that there has been communication between your now ex boyfriend and the mother of his child that he didn’t share with you, just as he didn’t share a lot of other things with you.

The title of your thread is stonewalling. I am not sure what it means but dishonesty probably needs to be considered when trying to figure out his behavior.

How do you feel about all this…?

anita

March 27, 2018 at 11:46 am #199719

Brandy
Participant

Hi tori,

I really feel your pain. What a terrible situation.

I’m not familiar with the term “stonewalling” so I looked it up and read that it happens in a relationship when one refuses to communicate, and it’s used as a defense mechanism to preserve one’s self and emotions. I agree that the way he broke up with you the first time was beyond lame and very unfair to you, and I guess it could be considered stonewalling. The second breakup seems different to me, though. Reads to me that the love he has for his daughter is strong and that he’s decided to do whatever he needs to to be with his daughter. I don’t understand when you say that the mother of his daughter put a restraining order on him and kept him out of his own house — had they been living together, and does this woman and their daughter currently live in a house that he owns? And when he packed up and left to be with this woman, is he now living with them in his own house? It seems to me that this woman had a plan: to break the two of you up so that he’ll be with her and their daughter. She used the deep love that this man has for his daughter to get him to leave you; she wouldn’t let him see his daughter unless he came back to her. What a snake.

I would cut him some slack for this second breakup. I think his actions are being driven by the love for his daughter, and breaking up with you seems to be the only way the mother of his daughter will allow him to be with his daughter. I think that you are right that he’ll back for you. But my advice is to forgive him for his behavior and then move on without him, as difficult as it will be.

B

March 27, 2018 at 12:08 pm #199725

tori
Participant

Thank you both for responding.

I agree that there was communication that I was not made aware of. I would ask him what was going on with her and the baby and he would become frustrated and very defensive when I questions things. Which in turn made me feel as if he didn’t want me to know, I always had to explain my questions and why I wanted or needed to know. I felt like he didn’t want me involved and that was the complete opposite of what he said. Stonewalling is how he reacts during tough situations, he shuts down, shuts me out and runs away without providing me with any information. He says hes done and all communication is cut off. He purchased a house for the 3 of them to try to live together and raise the baby as a family, but it wasn’t working, their relationship was over before we ever got back together. But he eneded up moving out of his house and into mine to get away from her because she became intolerable. And she put a restraining order against him to keep him out of his own house that he bought because he asked her to move out. I do not know if he went back to her, it seemed to be his intention even though he sai he didn’t want to leave me. It seems as if to him its his kid or us. He cant have both. Even though we have plans to take her to court and at least try to get 50-50 custody of the child.

March 27, 2018 at 1:18 pm #199735

Brandy
Participant

Ok, thanks, I understand better now. I still think, however, that he has communicated with you much better this time than he did throughout the first breakup. In other words, this time he has given you a reason for why he left, and it seems to me like a valid and truthful reason. Yes, he has now stopped communicating with you and I see how frustrating this is for you, but I don’t think you can drop what is happening here into the “he’s got a stonewalling problem” bucket. He may have fully intended to keep his word that he wouldn’t leave you a second time, but he probably didn’t anticipate the cruel actions of the mother of his child. Obviously, I don’t know for sure. I do know, however, how strong the love a parent can have for his/her child, and I understand why a guy would do whatever he feels he needs to do to be with his daughter.

The reason why I think you should move on without him is because I believe that this is going to be an ongoing struggle for you. The woman of his child will always be in this life, even if he is with you, and she’s shown through her actions that she doesn’t care about you or your feelings at all, and that she could quite possibly make your life miserable.

March 27, 2018 at 3:28 pm #199755

Mark
Participant

tori,

He has left you twice with no communication/explanation or warning. This is not a person to have a close relationship with.

Why do you want someone like that back? This is not someone who you can build a life with. You cannot trust him. He does not have his act together. He is unreliable, untrustworthy and cannot communicate.

Would you tell your best friend to stay with someone like that?

Mark

March 28, 2018 at 4:51 am #199777

Inky
Participant

Hi tori,

Think of this as a blessing. Could you imagine one day being married to this guy, with co-mingled finances, two kids and a dog, and he suddenly up and left for reasons unbeknownst to you? And there you would be, trying to raise two kids and a dog with only your job now having to go through a divorce? Projecting, but this is the type of character your ex has become.

So let him make himself miserable for the sake of his daughter. That’s not even the issue. The issue is you being blindsided by this guy. How can you trust him? AGAIN?

Blessings,

Inky

March 28, 2018 at 5:19 am #199781

tori
Participant

Thank you all for your advice, it is similar to what my friends and family have advised me. I think I was desperate to hear something else because it is hard to let him go when I know that we had future plans and have always had a very good and fun relationship. I thought we could make it through this hard time in his life together as a team but he was more inclined to do it on his own and keep me out of it which only added to his stress because it caused disagreements. I felt so betrayed that he just decided to leave me and go back to her just to see his kid when we had spent so much time figuring out how he was going to get to see his child despite the mothers efforts to keep him away. I am in a way glad that it happened now before things had gotten farther and I had formed an attachment to the child.

I appreciate everyone’s thoughts and advice.

March 28, 2018 at 6:12 am #199789

Anonymous
Guest

Dear tori:

You are welcome. In your original post you wrote: “I started dating this guy, and he made me happier than I had ever been. We never fought or had any issues”-

Looking back to then from where you are now, seems like the relationship was happy for you for as long as it was because he kept his issues hidden, pushed down, denied or rationalized away.

The “one day out of the blue” he breaks up with you, then get back together, and you work with him like a team. As if you were a team. You acted like one of a two people team. Not him.

Reads like he goes to great lengths to avoid conflicts on the outside, with you, for one, and then, when he can’t continue to avoid it, he ends the situation altogether.

I hope your relationship with him is not re-established, as that happiness together can be only temporary, until the .. next time.

anita

March 29, 2018 at 10:57 am #199983

tori
Participant

Thank you Anita I tried my best to work with him and help me and he never let me. It always felt like he was going through it all by himself. I do agree with your assessment of him avoiding conflict and when he can’t he runs.

Thank you all for your advice and opinions. They have helped me better understand from some one else’s perspective that is not invested in the situation.

March 29, 2018 at 12:37 pm #199999

Anonymous
Guest

Dear tori:

You are welcome. It reads to me that you did try your best to work with him and help him. It takes two to make a relationship work, two partners, a team of two.

This can be a great lesson, once the pain alleviates, to see to it that the next man in your life will be a partner, one of a team of two.

anita

March 29, 2018 at 2:39 pm #200017

dreaming715
Participant

I’m sorry to hear about your situation and am sending positive thoughts your way. I can only share my personal experience, but I feel like when someone breaks up with you and then later wants to get back together- it seems that the chances of it working out are about as close to winning the lottery. The first person I ever loved would always do the “I can’t be with you” and then suddenly he’d have a change of heart and the cycle just repeated. I didn’t want to believe the “I can’t be with you” part. I only wanted to believe the “I didn’t mean it, I need you in my life after all” part. Well, long story short we got engaged and he ended up calling off our wedding. Needless to say that was the final straw. Amazingly, he came back about 6 months after we’d fully separated saying he made a huge mistake and wanted to be with me.

Not. this. time. I didn’t take him back. My uncle once told me that if someone you love leaves you: don’t walk away, run away. It may be a little black and white for most people, but if someone breaks up with me then we’re over and I’m taking that as my sign to let go and move on.

I wish you the best of luck!
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