Hey Folks. I am back = ))

All the help I’ve gotten over the years has been beyond helpful and I am very grateful to those chimed in.

So, I’ve finally gotten divorced. Moved on with my life. Started over. I’ll list the good and then what’s bad, and may be you can chime in again and throw some wise words my way to help me get through this.

I am 40. Got a great job, great company. I moved out and got a very decent place of my own after the divorce. My dog is my life. I am eating healthy, working out, hiking, losing weight and getting my beautiful ass in shape. I have a great car. I am more or less intelligent and I feel much better than I felt after the divorce. I am sleeping well. Just took a short vacation so I could catch up on things and get some rest. I am appreciative of all the little things and I am thankful for what I have (especially my dog, who is my whole life). There are other good things, but I’ve listed the top ones.

Here is where I am still struggling. I am completely alone. My parents are useless. My dad hasn’t called me once since the divorce and my mom is more toxic and immature that you can possibly imagine. My grandma is the only person in my life right now really cares, but she is 87 and can’t really do much. My stepdad is literally the only person who reaches out. Which is beyond ironic since he was a huge asshole most of his life, but lately has been the most decent person. I have 3 good friends and while they are not perfect, they are good guys and we hang out once in a while. I can’t even look at other women right now. For two reasons, because I still love my ex a lot and I can’t seem to let go. I’ve accepted the she is gone, but my heart can’t detach yet. I know it will happen, but right now I just can’t let go. I just can’t =\ She was my everything and at this point, I can’t imagine any kind of happy future without her by my side and me by her side….  And the second reason is that I am 40, I am not rich, I don’t own my own place, and I am still a bit out of shape. Also, women see through my anger right now and that’s a big turn off. So I am basically invisible to women and that’s making my low self esteem go even lower. I feel so isolated that’s I go for days without talking to anyone outside of work. I know this won’t last forever, but as someone who was very outgoing all my life, this is torture. And it’s hard, if not impossible, to make new friends at my ripe old age of 40 lol…. And then there is my debt. I will be severely limited in my spending habits for the next few years. I can’t spend any money on dating. I make good money, but every last penny is going to pay off my debt. All these obstacles are leaving me very isolated. I am not looking to jump into a relationship, but it’s hard to go on without human contact, without sex and intimacy, without a social life, without someone close to me. Humans are not meant to be in isolation. And my self esteem is very low right now. I am working on EVERYTHING and I will work even harder after this short vacation, but it’s very depressing being alone. Sad to say, because I am a bit more conservative when it comes to relationships, but I am even willing to find someone for casual dating, if you know what I mean, but since I’ve never met someone for just that purpose, it’s like rocket science to me. And I am not here to badger women, but I live in LA and women in LA expect you to be tall, dark, handsome, and rich. I am tall, dark, and handsome and soon to be in shape, but I am not rich. And like it or not that’s a big turn off for women. They don’t care about me, they care about status and other superficial things. And I’ve just become the opposite of that. I used to be superficial, but none of that matters to me anymore. I love this life for what is real, not for what society tells us is important.

Anyway, if you have any thoughts, drop me a line here. I would love to know what you think and how I can get beyond this and get back to being the happy me that I remember. I was so happy before and was surrounded by friends and family. Now, I am mostly alone and I am not sure how to handle it emotionally. I want go get out there and start living again, but I feel like an outsider, a weirdo, a hater, a misogynist, and line one of those incel idiots. I want to be normal, relatively speaking. How do I rebuild my life at 40?

PS. I posted this in Relationships section because all I can think about these days is how to develop new relationships with women, other people, friends, society

Thank you as always,
Felix