Oh no. I did this long reply and somehow closed the window instead of sending it.

😢

I appreciate you and everything you said. I can’t condense the rest of it so I’ll try again later.

Have a beautiful day and know I’ve been thinking of you while I’ve been digesting some big emotions.

It’s raining here. Lovely. Not! It hardly ever stops.

Finally I’m looking down the barrel of the end of the week. Got a cash bonus at work which is rather wonderful. Worked so much extra lately as they’ve had deadlines, etc. I never get overtime because I work in different places. So this is a nice blessing. And I’m saving for a couple of things.

How has your week gone? I think I’m just about on my feet again emotionally. Got a little message from my son which hurt very much. It wasn’t horrible, just reminded me how much I love him and miss him. And of course all the unanswered questions.

Thinking of you 🌻

I used to make sunflowers and pumpkin seeds toasted in tamari. Very yummy on salads but even yummier on a spoon 😂

this though just occurred to me in regard to unanswered questions is: what if you are asking (yourself) the wrong questions.. and that’s why they aren’t being answered..?

I’m intrigued. What questions do you think I should be asking?

In regard to loving him and hurting so much, the thought that occurred to me was: love is not supposed to hurt. A third occurring thought (I am counting): it’s not love that hurts.

In this case it’s the loss that hurts. But yes, in my life love usually amounted to hurt. I have to occasionally stop myself when I look at someone I love and separate the two emotions and get my head straight on them, but mainly I don’t think I love many people anymore, I don’t trust them enough.

I found my children inspired nothing but the deepest love and no hurt. I do see that as they get older, and become adults they also hurt me, by the fact that they choose things that are selfish and hurtful. I think my love for my children is the one love that is fairly healthy though, it’s separate from hurt rather than dependant on it. But I do sometimes feel overly hurt – not confused with my love for them though. Isn’t that odd?

I had the loveliest most amazing couple of hours doing my favourite thing. I’m also learning maintenance on the running of my ‘equipment‘ so had a successful effort at that too. I have a couple of acquaintances I occasionally do my sport with and I joined one of them. The sun’s golden fingers stretched its light ahead of us as we returned. I’m going to work on refining my technique the next little while so it becomes a safer activity!

Oh how easily the soul finds a little happiness when the body is cared for. I’m having trouble sleeping, in a lot of Iain lately, but I’m turning the light out earlier and trying. I’m eating better than I had gotten into the habit of too. When I’m rested and fed well I can manage the other things so much better.

How are you, dear Anita? I have a lovely golden sunlight moment on my porch, a pot of whatever your heart desires, no biscuits I’m afraid, but a bit of company to see the day in or out.

Oh! I had a dream about my one friend who held onto me so tightly and then dumped me after 20 years. She was forcing me to do something, like she did in our friendship, and I felt just like I did for much of the times in our friendship. Weird and vivid. I’ve had a couple of vivid dreams about people I loved deeply, but my leading emotions in these dreams were hurt, and being trapped, and devastating disappointment. I think there’s something going on there…

Onwards and upwards though.

Oh no! I’m glad you had bear spray. Dogs should not roam and owners who let them should be attacked.

Same same. Re know more, not languages 😂 as my repotoire is very one language. I envy people with more than one. Oh to have a mind that can hold so much wonderful knowledge, to be that clever and intelligent!

Sleep well and I look forward to the morning!

Re-asked: is it okay for me, SadSoul, to give myself permission to feel okay about things as they are, permission to no longer suffer?

I love this. I think I might be the tiniest bit headed in this direction

meaning that feeling hurt by your children is not followed by feeling anger at them?

On the odd occasion I felt a flash of anger at them. I think I’m having the smallest seeds of, not exactly anger, but I think my son is very selfish and spoilt to have done this. Maybe gutless because he wanted to do things that he knows aren’t good choices so he chose the road he’d get to be able to do them. But he’s a child, well, not a child but not an adult, so his choices are normal. Just that usually progeny have responsible parents to ensure they can’t act out their impulsive desires. Also place some blame on his father for being so useless he has no idea. But at this moment my heart is not weighed down with any of them

still wondering what it is, curious, curious me.

One day 😂 it’s not all that exciting but it’s my passion and according to someone I spoke to yesterday is the most dangerous sport answer when you play trivia. No idea because I don’t play trivia but I’ve been broken a few times so it certainly isn’t totally safe

trapped in..?

Trapped in the friendship. I loved her but I didn’t need her in the way she needed me. I had counselling when my marriage broke up and the counsellor gave me literature on narcissistic disorder to help me understand me and her, and hopefully find ways to reclaim that part of my life. This was before the term became a popular throw away description for every nasty person in your life. I read it, and it made me sad that my friend suffered with so many insecurities, and relied on attention to feel valuable enough to be able to cope. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, just it would be very hard to be trapped with yourself suffering that personality disorder. Especially when you believe any kind of counselling is abhorrent. I was the perfect yin to her yang, unable to say no, no matter how ludicrous her needs were. So there you have it, doormat SadSoul was the perfect match for her needy, demanding friend who couldn’t find a way to fill her soul up, so she filled it up with me. A no was life threatening for her, so she’d go into survival mode, desperately creating situations and devastation, so that I had to say yes, and I always did

I sprayed the dog, not the owner (who was there, yelling at his dog). This reminds me of the lyrics to a song I like: I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot the deputy.

I love that song! I’m glad the owner was yelling at his dog. Still, there are ways of making sure your dog doesn’t attack someone, like having it on a leash maybe? I’m being judgy, the owner might not encounter people in his travels so never had this situation arise, so many things that don’t need judgement

I wish I could say I went to the city but I’m in it 😔 not an enormous city but it’s on the way to being enormous. I wish I had the courage to move, but finding work, moving, re-establishing, and all the stress that goes with it is terrifying. I barely have my feet on the ground now, moving would probably push me back to that deep place of misery
<p style=”text-align: left;”>It’s raining. So surprising. I’m going to have to take my washing in and wash it again, I think</p>
See you soon! In this land of cyber just in case that made you feel stalked and you were worrying about me knocking on your door 😂 😂 😂 😂

Sad Soul Matters!

So do you 🌻

she helped herself to you (see my thread).

There’s a fine line between supporting and drowning. I don’t think she has the vaguest idea what she was doing and even the tiniest bit of mentioning how she affected me would result in a huge emotional breakdown. I didn’t have the slightest idea what she was doing either, just felt stretched, stressed, not good enough, selfish, incompetent, and frustrated. It’s a blessing I don’t have it to deal with now. Another situation where I miss the idea not the reality!

I’m hearing sittin’ on the dock of a bay, watching the tide roll away. I love old music. I have the best of radio station on in my car that has little old people as it’s announcers. They pick the best music.

Monday night, I hear Sad Soul knocking on the door: Sadsoul, I say, You are here!  You are welcome here, Sad Soul! Here, you can sleep in this spare bedroom, see you in the morning, special breakfast for you. I promise!

So good you don’t have the base ball bat out in case the knock on the door is your online stalker 😂

I have a spare room at up in anticipation also. I look forward to special breakfast. I had coffee, so health 😂 but there was also lovely salad from my favourite salad bar for lunch. I’d take you there for a delicious lunch so I could enjoy your company because my whole life I’ve been in the kitchen making beautiful meals missing out on the people. I’m changing that and offloading chores so I can enjoy beautiful people 🌹

I have been mia because my week has been huge, not anything whatever to do with you, so I’m explaining that before I say anything so you know. I hope you haven’t been anxious about that.

My hours went up at work so now I’m working a stupid amount, but I have a big expense coming up, so it will help. I only locked in till October too, so it’s not forever.

In addition, I got a very long and newsy message from my son. I have been processing how it made me feel, so I’ve been hiding under a rock when I get home, and avoiding everything. Not that there’s been much time to avoid with, as when I get home it’s not that far off bed, and I barely have time to do the chores. Today is the first day my brain is starting to clear since I got the message. I felt confused, cautious, and a bit numb. I felt unsettled that I didn’t feel excited or any of the emotions I thought I should feel. Now I feel at peace and grateful he gave me an update of his life. I hope it’s the start of something better between us.

Other than that it hasn’t stopped raining. Except when I’m at work and can’t be out there enjoying the better weather. But even then, it’s rained a lot while I’m at work. Might have to invest in a boat to get around soon as it’s so wet and awful everywhere.

There are a couple of handguns in the drawer to my left, as I am typing to you. 

You live in the wild, wild west!

Do you use dressings on yours? (blue cheese dressing is my current favorite).

I must certainly do use dressing. Salad without dressing is only suitable for rabbits to eat. In fact, a little bit of salad with your dressing is about the right way to serve it. I’m not a fan of blue cheese, although I had a home made cauliflower in blue cheese sauce pie recently that surprised me with its deliciousness.

How are you going? I hope it’s been a tolerable week for you. You’ve been in my thoughts from time to time.