I was thinking lemon tea cake, with lemony goodness drizzled over it, but if that doesn’t float your boat I have chocolate cake and ginger slice.  There you go, a real little party.

Oh how tired I am.  I want to sleep for days.

My mother came up in conversation today, I couldn’t help myself, the women at work were complaining about their mothers texting them Happy Morning with smilie emojis.  I told them once they’ve had a mother who says xxx xxx xxx like mine they will have some perspective on getting nice text messages from theirs.  Oh how people can be so horrid.  But then, I suppose it all depends on your perspective:  if you’ve had an evil mother you desperately want one to text you nice messages and get a bit upset when you don’t reply for days; if you had a nice one I suppose it’s annoying to have to keep a track of.

Which brings me to my children who are so busy with their lives and events I feel like I’m the mother texting hello and they don’t reply for weeks.  I try very hard to be happy they’re so whole in themselves and their lives they don’t cling to me.  Because I’m alone and there’s nothing much filling my life.

Regarding the aloneness you were talking about it your topic.  I used to be terrified of being alone, literally my heart pounded, sweating, shaking, utter fear, the whole night long when I first lived alone.  I had every light on in the house and I was terrified.  Till one night a few years on, desperately exhausted from not being able to sleep, I closed my eyes and prayed if someone came to murder me it was quick and I didn’t hear it coming.

That fear evolved into loneliness rather than fear, and a few other emotions in between, till these days I’m not afraid of being alone.  I don’t feel too lonely and mostly when I do I recognise I don’t have the energy to do anything about it.  I’m also a square peg in a round hole so I don’t make friends all that easily.  I think I’m too serious and probably a bunch of other things, but I struggle with fluff.

Oh well, best get on with things.  Something waits for no man, can’t remember what it is that doesn’t wait, but that saying sprang to mind lol.

I started reading the bible a few months ago. I’m really upset that so much of it seems to be so wrong. When I google the meaning of passages, because I’m so horrified they’re so awful, the explanations seem to just be people trying to fit their ideas into justifying the wrongness of it, not actual educated logical explanations. Occasionally there’s some educated person who makes an explanation on the nuance of the translation that could have been incorrectly made, but mostly it’s just people trying to make wrong into right. I’m so confused because I was hoping to find solace and peace in the bible. Instead I’m finding my faith is shaking, finding myself praying that one day the real meaning is revealed when the end comes.

Today I woke up sick and I’ve slowly slid into a pool of misery. I’ve really struggled this week, really really really.

I read your other topic. I sometimes wonder if we found someone to love and accept us as completely as our mothers would it help. A surrogate mother. Except I’m so old now and I don’t think another human should have to try to take on my hurts.

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Would you like ham and pineapple or pepperoni and all the things? They heat up alright in a very pan, who would have thought?</p>
I hope he gets through whatever it is he needs to be doing. I’m scared of him hurting his health or himself. He was a fragile person for a few years, and his stupid father added to that with his judgemental ways and expectations. I have no idea at all how he is and sometimes I get really worried.

I believe in God, don’t know how but I do, and I pray when it gets really bad. To wrap him up in love and give him whatever he needs, even if me in his life isn’t what he needs. Yeah, sometimes I also pray where are you God?

…also biscuits help 😂

I do hope that space felt filled just a little. You deserve to be cared about. Something good came out of those mothers, the hurt, all of it. We did.

I wonder if my son will find his way back to me. I keep comparing myself to my mother and wondering what I did that was so awful for him he chose this pathway. Logically I don’t think I did something awful, but my whole life I’ve looked within for the answers for why painful things happen, so I can somehow avoid bad things. I’ve done that a fair bit this week. I went to my default survival emotional state, the one I spent my childhood and early adulthood in, the one I’ve been in a lot since he left. Consciously moving through it, it won’t rule me!

I have finally calmed. The conversation with my cousin really hit me hard. His father hates me and, rather than say no he doesn’t etc, my cousin was honest. He said, ‘nothing you do or say will change that and it’s on him not you.’ Seeing as I’ve never had anything to do with my uncle his opinions are entirely made up of what my mother says to him. Yup, present tense. My cousin put that fact forward but I’d already worked it out for myself.

I’m not devastated my uncle hates me. I just walked away from our conversation feeling so anxious. Anxious is a gentle word for it but I can’t think of a better one. So much emotion towards other things came about just because him hating me was finally spoken about.

My lovely mother. The one who blamed everyone for her losing her children, blames her children for who they are, twists and turns every story so she is the hero and I’m the villain. Every move she ever made was nasty, purely evil sometimes, but she tells people I did and said the things she did and said, and she was the victim.

Anyway, life like that. Luckily it’s been chaotically busy at work and in my spare time I’ve done my favourite thing or watched too much Netflix 😂 way to get through!

How are you? I read your other post. I agree, the feelings carried now have been carried since birth. Why did they have us? I know, the answer doesn’t fix the issue. I don’t know how to fill the void. Only one person could and they didn’t. It’s a basic necessary emotion as important as food is for survival.

Sorry I don’t have any answers but I’m with you.