Dear SadSoul:

“Would you like ham and pineapple or pepperoni and all the things? They heat up alright in a fry pan, who would have thought?“- I would like ham on the side, but not pineapple or pepperoni because they’ll take away from the cheese flavor, thank you!

Here is an imaginary exchange between us:

SadSoul: Would you like ham and pineapple or pepperoni and all things?

anita: no, I would not like ham, pineapple, pepperoni and all things on my pizza. I do not like them, Sad Soul I- Am

SadSoul: You do not like them. So you say. Try them! Try them! And you may. You may like them. You will see. You may like them in a tree.

anita: You are pushing it, SadSoul!

SadSoul: Would you like them in the house? Would you like them with a mouse?

anita: Not in the house, not with a mouse!

SadSoul: Would you like them in a box? Would you like them with a fox. Would you like them here or there?

anita: I would not like them in a box! I would not like them with a fox! I would not like them here or there, I would not like them anywhere! I do not like them SadSoul, you see?

SadSoul: Say? In the dark? Here in the dark! Would you, could you, in the dark?

(anita exiting SadSoul’s house, getting into a runaway car, and driving away fast, breathing a sigh of relief)

SadSoul (in the car): Would you? Could you? In a car? Eat them! Eat them! Here they are!

Back to your post:  “I hope he gets through whatever it is he needs to be doing. I’m scared of him hurting his health or himself… I believe in God, don’t know how but I do, and I pray when it gets really bad. To wrap him up in love and give him whatever he needs, even if me in his life isn’t what he needs. Yeah, sometimes I also pray where are you God?“-

To Sad Soul: “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God” (Psalms 42:11)

“And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might” (Deuteronomy 6:5)

“Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Thessalonians 5:23).

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“I’m so confused because I was hoping to find solace and peace in the bible. Instead I’m finding my faith is shaking“- I am far from believing that everything that’s in the bible is true or right. I like certain scriptures with which I agree and I sometimes quote those in my replies.

“Today I woke up sick and I’ve slowly slid into a pool of misery. I’ve really struggled this week, really really really“- I am sorry, SadSoul. How are you feeling today?

“I read your other topic. I sometimes wonder if we found someone to love and accept us… A surrogate mother. Except I’m so old now and I don’t think another human should have to try to take on my hurts.“- we can be mothers to each other; people can be mothers to each other, that would be a way better world than it’s been for so long.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

Maybe I’ll share about sharing pain with siblings at a later time. I like the sound of  Sitting with SadSoul Sipping Tea. I can almost smell fresh tea cake in the air this Mon morning (here). A togetherness, a friendly togetherness.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

Lemon tea cake will do, chocolate and tea do not go together!

It just occurred to me to ask you: if you prefer that I don’t quote you and comment on each quote (my usual way of replying, as in the below), please let me know.

“Which brings me to my children who are so busy with their lives and events, I feel like I’m the mother texting hello and they don’t reply for weeks.  I try very hard to be happy they’re so whole in themselves and their lives they don’t cling to me.  Because I’m alone and there’s nothing much filling my life“- you did a good job leading them to be whole in themselves. It’s a shame though that there is a hole in your life.

“Regarding the aloneness you were talking about it your topic. I used to be terrified of being alone, literally my heart pounded, sweating, shaking, utter fear, the whole night long when I first lived alone… That fear evolved into loneliness rather than fear, and a few other emotions in between, till these days I’m not afraid of being alone“-

– I just read through Wikipedia‘s very long entry on loneliness: “an unpleasant emotional response to perceived isolation… a perceived lack of connection and intimacy… Long term loneliness can cause various types of maladaptive social cognition such as hypervigilance and social awkwardness… If a man loses a friend for whatever reason, this may increase his loneliness, resulting in him developing maladaptive cognition such as excessive neediness and suspicion of other friends. Hence leading to a further loss of connection… Long term social isolation can cause hypervigilance…  excessive cynicism and suspicion of other people, which in turn can be detrimental to interpersonal relationships. So, without intervention, chronic loneliness can be self-reinforcing… In both children and adults, loneliness often has a negative impact on learning and memory. Its disruption of sleep patterns can have a significant impact on the ability to function in everyday life”.

This explains a lot about my decades-long experience with loneliness. Does the above shine any light on your experience?

(As you probably know, the WHO declared loneliness to be “a global public health concern” a few months ago).

“I’m also a square peg in a round hole so I don’t make friends all that easily“- a square peg in a round hole: that was my.. decades long experience of chronic loneliness.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

Thank you for your post on my thread, how precious!

“Feel free to quote, it makes it make sense, which my replies probably lack“- thank you, and it’s fine with me that you don’t quote, boldfaced or not.

“I am going to hush now. That was a lot of things I’ve never put into words before“- I noticed and I feel privileged to hear the voice/ the words of the non-hushed SadSoul.

“But people think you should heal and be over a thing in a nice set length of time, let’s say a couple of months at most“-  when I posted yesterday in my own thread, about that person (my mother) yet again, I heard a shaming voice in my mind’s ear,  saying: you should be over her by now, you are a grown woman, how many years will you be stuck in what happened so long ago..?!!

This is why I started the post with “I keep posting here because it is working for me“, as an answer to the criticism I imagined, letting readers know that there is a positive value now, to posting about then.

“It would be so amazing if someone acknowledged my deep hurt… .. I had no one say it’s okay, you’re allowed to be hurt and fall apart“- I am taking a meditative moment here.. I acknowledge your deep hurt, SadSoul, deeply hurt SadSoul, deeply hurt. I feel some of it.. yes.

“I had lots of friends throughout life but they were around when they needed me for things. I loved being needed, it was something I craved… (feeling) special, needed, wanted, desired…  thinking I meant something special“- you are needed here, not for things, but for the Soul in Sad Soul. You are special here, Special Sad Soul.

“well, I wasn’t special to him…  he sneaked out and sent me a text message while I was at work… leaving the way he did, right after I insisted he starts paying his share of bills and things… When I realised I deserved to be more than working 46 hours a week to pay the bills, doing the housework and yard work, while he lived a high life with his money and his free time“- I know how it feels to be used by a man, dehumanizing and enraging, and they get away with it.. for a while (eventually everyone gets sick and/ or dies).  I am sorry that this was your experience. The inhumane ways people treat each other.. It makes me want even more to be and become a better and better person.

“That was a lot of things I’ve never put into words before. I will have to digest them now. Alongside the orange and poppy seed cake I bought today that tastes like it was baked alongside a casserole. It’s awful!“- someone out there is eating a casserole that tastes like it was baked alongside a poppy seed cake…

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“Don’t be ashamed of having feelings“- thank you. I don’t remember anyone ever telling me that I shouldn’t be ashamed. This is very refreshing, to be told this (I read about shame, of course, in books/ articles, but not told this directly, not that I remember).

“Your mother should be ashamed, not you“- I don’t remember this being said to me either. How refreshing, like a cool breeze on a hot day. Or maybe, on a cold day, it’s like entering a warm, cozy home.

“Thank you.  I actually had to stop reading when I got to this as my heart – my chest – well, it hurt so much.  I wept.  I’m starting again and I have given myself a few hours to compose myself.  Thank you so much“- all this gratitude and emotion for a moment of me acknowledging your hurt, a moment of empathy for you. This is solid testimony to how much we need sincere empathy from other people, and how much of it is lacking in the world… And you are welcome!

“Five years of worshiping him and thinking I didn’t deserve him…. I haven’t got angry… I wouldn’t mind punching him somewhere lolllll“- a bit angry, lol. Valid anger.

“No one has ever written me a poem. I cried again. You’ve given me somethings in these writings that I’ve never had“- I am motivated to try and write you another poem sometime in the next few days, would it be okay with you?

“And now for a thought for you:  you are kind and generous.  I hope there are other kind generous people in your life to appreciate you.  I’m very glad we have made contact on this forum.  I look forward to reading at the beginning / middle / end of each day“- this is precious to read, thank you so much. I wouldn’t want to ever lose contact with you!

anita