Dear SadSoul:

“When I was growing up my grandfather used to say awful things about my mother… that she was wicked. That’s the one time in my life I argued and got angry. I was so hurt and angry he said those things even if I didn’t know what they meant. I argued, with almost rage, with him and got sent to my room. It’s a wonder I didn’t get flogged but I don’t remember being hit for it. He normally would not have tolerated that sort of thing from anyone“-

– You loved your mother so much that you fought for her, defending her from a man who was an authority figure in your life, risking being flogged by him. You defended her even though you didn’t understand his accusations against her. This is what unconditional love is about.

There are sayings about a mother’s love that I grew up hearing, one of which was that a mother’s love for her child is unconditional. While this is true to some, too often a mother’s love is very conditional, or simply absent.

This is the story of parental betrayal, a betrayal passed on from one generation to the next: your mother must have loved her father, and he betrayed her love. You loved your mother, and she betrayed your love.

I just googled “parental betrayal” (a term I came up with, didn’t read about it, as far as I remember), and what came up is “Betrayal Trauma“, an established term that includes the betrayal of a child by a parent, (health line/ betrayal trauma theory): “harm within attachment relationships, like relationships between a parent and child or between romantic partners, can cause lasting trauma… originally applied the concept of betrayal trauma to children betrayed by caregivers… A parent bringing a child into the world has a responsibility to protect and care for that child. This responsibility forms an unspoken agreement between parent and child…”.

“she’s always maintained how awful her life was losing her children. It took my children recently pointing out that she didn’t try to stay connected with us and they said I would have moved heaven and earth to be near them. Which is true. I would have done anything to be near them. And she didn’t do anything… It’s taken a very long time to even begin to evaluate her and her actions, because she’s been so high up on the pedestal I gave her, so important to the little person inside me, and so high up on the moral high ground she gives herself”– she was betrayed by her father, and she proceeded to betray her child; you were betrayed by her, but you didn’t proceed to betray your children; she misrepresented herself, you present your self with honesty. Two women taking very different routes, different responses to betrayal.

“When I moved to her to get to know her she only called me vicious things… there were even more vicious things to say which destroyed me entirely. So I stayed and lived a life of trying to get her approval and silently carrying everything she said I was in my heart that was so broken… her words have been the worst. Yet society thinks being beaten, starved, locked away for days, is worse“- words that betray cut deep.

“As I said, she cut me out of her life a couple of years ago. About six months ago, in despair, I sent her an email saying: I wish I’d never loved or trusted you“- here it is, the betrayal of love, the betrayal of trust. (I am replying to your post part by part, replying to one part before reading the next).

“The shame I felt in saying such a huge hurtful thing made me feel sick and shaky. I felt like that for months. After a while I started to be able to feel less awful about it“- the email you sent her is the most.. honest cry of a betrayed child. There is no betrayal in having sent it, no wrong in it.

“Now a big part of me thinks she deserves every last word. And I hope she hasn’t changed her email address. So I do truly believe she deserved those words“- an email like that, if you received it from one of your children, it would have hurt you a lot.. so, you assume that she would be very hurt too. But that’s a projection of a loving mother (you), into an unloving mother (her), isn’t it?

“Thank you for reading. This aloneness isn’t how I pictured life. I feel like that coyote baby only no one’s coming“- you are welcome. (I did read this line yesterday). The coyotes in the pack in which that one coyote baby belonged, made the mistake, I suppose, of losing touch with the pup, but they came back for it. They didn’t hear his cries and chose to not look for him, and stop the pup’s agony, they didn’t betray him.

Your mother saw/ heard/ read your agony for years (including reading your email 6 months ago), but chose to not to be there for you, again, and again. Same is true for my mother. That’s a long, long-term betrayal. It still hurts.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

I read most of your 2 posts, and when I got to this: “I was jealous of orphan children. Their lives seemed so much nicer than mine“, I had to start my reply with this quote because this is how I felt as a child, and this is the first time in my life (!) that I am reading or hearing anyone feeling/ thinking the same. I used to daydream and find comfort in imagining that was an orphan.

“Mother did not have a good mother… she shot herself when I was a small child living with my father’s family“- I remember reading a long time that women rarely commit suicide by firearm. In my area, I personally knew two men in the last few years who shot themselves.

“Father’s father informed us of some things. He was very pleased to tell us mother had remarried… I only ever felt sympathy and understanding for my mother up until the last year. It’s evolving into questioning the pretty picture I created in my mind, the one where she loves me and is perfect“-  you had to believe someone loved you.

“and the horrible things she says and does are just from the terrible, traumatic, awful life she’s had“- notice you used the present tense, she says, she does. I almost always, if not always, type about my mother’s words and action in the present tense (and often edit it to the past tense). Our mothers are not physically with us, but the have mental reps in our brains who keep their work going and going.

“She really did not have a nice childhood, or early adulthood, so who she is a direct result of what she was given as a child. I don’t understand how that translates to being the hurtful person she is to me, her daughter“- my mother had a terrible childhood and early adulthood. It translated to her not wanting me to be so much luckier than her. She had to bring me down so to make it.. fair.

“I so very much hope I didn’t betray mine. This one leaving the way he has feels like I failed in every aspect…“- to bring up a child successfully, it takes a village. The village (our society) is so troubled (made worse for children/ adolescents, as you expressed, with the internet), that it’s not realistic for you to take more responsibility for his leaving than there is for you to take. Too many factors/ people (online and in real-life) are at play.

“Thank you for taking the time with me. You have so much knowledge and ability to extract knowledge“- you are welcome, and thank you, it’s nice to read.

“Yesterday I took part in my risky activity… I prefer not to publicly say what my private passion is“- sometime maybe we’ll connect via private email, but based on my experience transferring communication with a few (younger) members over the years to private email did not result in any advantage at all. The format here is much easier/ better for me (but if we can’t communicate here anymore, private email will do, as far as I am concerned).

Be careful with that risky activity!

“That song that says: No mumma’s kisses, and no daddy’s smiles, nobody wants me, I’m nobody’s child. I knew how that felt. Nobody wanted me, nobody cared what happened to me, they turned away from it and told themselves it wasn’t their business… every single human who saw turned the other way and ignored. I know you know how that feels“- yes, I do. I wish you didn’t know how it feels…

How are you feeling today?

anita