Dear SadSoul:

A 12-year-old.. how can his cyber bullies live with themselves. I read (tandfonline. com) that cyberbullying is considered “an international public health concern among adolescents“, as adolescents (US) have shifted from using the internet as “‘an extra’ in every day communication“, to using it as a “‘primary and necessary’ mode of communication“.

More: “Compared to traditional bullying, cyberbullying is unique in that it reaches an unlimited audience with increased exposure across time and space, preserves words and images in a more permanent state, and lacks supervision“. (In regard to me wondering about perpetrators living with themselves): “Further, perpetrators of cyberbullying do not see the faces of their targets, and subsequently may not understand the full consequences of their actions, thereby decreasing important feelings of personal accountability. This has often been referred to in the literature as the ‘disinhibition effect’”.

Back to your post: “One of the good things about getting older is I’m slowly letting go of my mother’s criticisms, one if which is that it’s sinful and selfish to ever buy food out“- oh, so even though you didn’t grow up with her, she was a big enough part of your life to instill this core belief in you, that you are sinful and selfish..  Maybe here, you are referring to an adoptive mother..

*a (?) means that I don’t expect you to answer, I am not owed an answer (I am not owed an answer even without the parenthesis around the question mark): you’ll answer if you are okay with it. Also, if you don’t want to discuss a certain person or topic, let me know what it is, so that I will not bring (the person or topic) up.

“So much life lived immersed in my kids, in doing and being everything for everyone, and feeling valuable because of that… so engrossed in giving everything I had and thinking I was loved and appreciated in return“- maybe you took on the Saint, Selfless role, so to counteract the Sinful and Selfish criticism by your mother, hoping to get approval and love for a behavior that is opposite to that of which you were accused (?)

“Slowly I started to see I was being taken advantage of and not having what I gave returned in any way. Slowly people dumped me because I said no I can’t do that. I have a big empty life now. All the people I loved disappeared and it hurt so much“- when you abandoned the Selfless role, selfish people abandoned you?

“Hahaha yes I get you! I catch myself in the mirror and my first thought is, ‘who is that old woman?’ and then I’m shocked because it’s me“- yes.. I know the experience.

“I’m home too late to cook, so I buy dinner. I’m struggling a bit with guilt… ditch the perfect housewife! After all it hasn’t gotten me anywhere special in life. No one has actually appreciated how wonderfully I did in that role. In fact my children and my mother have a great deal of criticism to make on that front. Then when I think about their criticisms I feel okay about my choices lolllll.“- I feel like I am getting to know you more personally, as you share these things, and I feel an appreciation for this privilege.

I gave up on being a decent housewife, let alone a perfect housewife, before I ever was one (hence, my current stove top cleaning method which I mentioned earlier). My mother criticized my cleaning abilities SO HEAVILY that I became convinced (to this very day) that I am cleaning-disabled, just can’t do it right, no matter what, so no reason to try.

I wonder if your critical mother lived with you when you were raising your kids, or maybe she visited often and interfered with your relationships with your kids, husband at the time… other people (?)

anita

Dear SadSoul:

I am touched, reading what you wrote there, me being your guru (me? really?), something you look forward to… ? Reads too good to be true kind of feeling. It’s 8:25 pm here, will read all of your recent post, and reply Sat morning.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“Growing up I had a hyper vigilant awareness of adult’s moods“- this is very true to me growing up, you gave me the correct wording for my experience: hyper vigilant awareness of my mother’s moods (thank you!)

“Not knowing what it would be that caused a belting, being locked in my room for the weekend no food, etc.“- the unpredictability factor, not knowing what and when.. I am so sorry, SadSoul, sorry for the girl beaten and locked away..

“I have always been sensitive to others opinions and moods and I fit myself into them, literally turn myself inside out to avoid any negativity or confrontation“- it’s as if I wrote this. I am still struggling with this tendency of mine.

“trying to turn myself into the good person she didn’t see in me“- I tried hard, never made it. The last memory I have of my mother is her looking at me with a you are a bad person! message shot at me through her disapproving eyes.

“About 10 years ago, I started to see that her standards for me were different to the ones she kept for herself… Example: she eats out and that’s not a mortal sin…  my mother was a goddess to my child self“- a confusing, double, tripled standard god.

“Saint SadSoul is probably more a survival mechanism than avoiding my mother’s criticisms. She criticised me whenever… Nothing I did was good enough for hers“- a mother’s relentless criticism feels like danger to the child, to me, as a child, thinking something like: if she disapproves of me this much, this often… why would she keep me around (alive)?

“My mother set foot in my house probably 10 times in 30 years. Each time was constant criticism that was rehashed time and again for years – decades“- her Legacy in your life is Criticism.

“She’d tell me to slice bread then criticise how I did it. So I’d ask for exactly how thick she wanted to, EXACTLY, so I couldn’t stuff it up, then she’d criticise my asking and angrily do it herself“- we have/ had very similar mothers. There was absolutely NO WAY to win her approval .. because she wasn’t about approving. She was about disapproving, criticizing, rejecting; a non-mother-like legacy.

“I love your cleaning disability. I’ve fallen in a heap of recent years, maybe it’s a similar thing. I’ve stopped doing unnecessary things. Ironing. Literally the most unnecessary activity that can be remedied by hanging out straight and not looking too closely at the end result“- we are the same person, lol

“The irony of my mother’s criticisms of my cleaning is that prior to me moving in with her, her house was filthy. A relative told me of this when I was in tears about her criticisms“- her way to not feel badly about her house being filthy, and whatever else made her feel badly about herself, was to turn the accusatory finger away from herself and point it at you, a very common MO employed by abusive mothers against their daughters.

“That’s a whole other story, how she backstabbed me to her friends and family, and they all thought I was this awful human“- we are similar because we had a very similar mother. My mother gossiped about me with her sisters, had no loyalty to me.

“But stupid me couldn’t let go of my need to have her approval“- it’s a natural need for a daughter to have her mother’s approval, born out of the child’s (naturally-wise) instinctive need to be approved of by the person who can feed and protect you from dangers out there (if your mother approve of you), or not feed you and be a danger to you (if she disapproves of you).

“I don’t feel quite.. alone reading you had a mother like mine in so (many) ways. It’s interesting.. I’m trying to find the right word because I’m not sure it’s exactly healing..  I don’t feel myself spinning into guilt and hurt like I used to. Thank you for being my guru I turn to at the end of every day! It’s becoming a thing I look forward to“- this is very special. Because of me, you are less alone, less guilty and hurt; because of you, I am less alone, less guilty and hurt: this is a winning combination (being each other’s guru..) , I am so very motivated to keep our communication going.

I will probably read and reply to the post you added to my own thread (thank you!) Sun morning (it is Sat 12:49 pm here).

anita

Dear SadSoul:

Our communication, to me, feels more personal than most, more like that between friends/ peers, so I normally reply to you after I reply to others.

“If I’m not good enough to reply to I’m not going to bother again – that’s not aimed at you in case it reads that way, it’s at people who want your number then never reply“- I understand. This is why I religiously reply to everyone, well, almost everyone (there has to be a good reason for me, in my mind, to not reply to a member).

“I’d also like to apologise if I don’t get back sometimes. I work long hours and lots of my week is spent just working and sleeping“- thank you for being concerned with how I’d feel when you reply later than sooner.

I will read your post in my own thread tomorrow (it is an emotional thread and I tend to postpone what is very emotional). I hope tat your Sunday evening (I think it is) in your part of the world is pleasant enough, and I’ll be back to you Monday!

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“I wrote my reply on your other thread on my phone, so it will lack…“- it was a perfect reply (just what I needed), I just answered it… Did you hear your mother’s critical voice, saying that your reply was lacking?

It’s raining here and I am about (within the hour) take my 3,5 mile (about 5.5 km) walk.. maybe I will encounter a coyote or a mountain lion, will take my bear spray.

anita

Take your time replying further to me, SadSoul, thank you for the note although rushing!

anita

Dear SadSoul:

I slept better last night than the night before, and it does make a big difference. “I’ve broken myself a few times doing them”, you mean “doing things that make you sing“? I wonder what you mean by it (?)

You’ve missed your son today. I don’t have a comment about it, just wanted to acknowledge what you experienced today.

Here the sun just came out and I am wondering whether I should have a glass of red wine before or after my walk… (I will reply to your post in my thread later today or tomorrow).

anita