My sore brain didn’t compute that you’re a behind the scenes part of this production. Go you 🌻

I always go with it sucks getting old“- I feel younger now than when I was a teenager, I am not kidding: younger than when I was a kid!

I do too, although not today, today I just feel sick. It’s quite terrifying feeling so young and then seeing the old woman in the mirror 😂 

PS thank you for giving me human contact. I’ve been feeling alone lately… but if I could have a gift wrapped friendship this one covers it. Understanding, kindness, a few laughs, not demanding; it’s got everything I need and seems to be doing well with the limited amount of watering I can give it“- you are talking about our friendship (I think you are, just wanting to make sure)..?

Absolutely this friendship. I look forward to our typo-sations – my version of our conversation – as I probably mentioned before (never not even once joke laugh joke) I have very limited friendships. I’m afraid I attract to me things that cause me to get hurt. It’s not even the other person’s fault because I always read them, gave them what they needed, all so I didn’t get rejected and could be as important to them as they were to me. I don’t know how to have boundaries and I don’t ask for them, or anything much, because it hurts too much to be rejected or told no. I can somewhat follow why I end up in painful friendships, because I nurture a part of them that I don’t want, out of fear of being left – and ironically the moment I tried to say I matter I got left. That’s all very confusing, sorry. I see in you standards that are good and firm, you are who you are regardless of who I am. I think you’d call me out if you saw me dodging a confrontation with you, you’d point out that I can say no or disagree. You’d tell me you can help move the cupboard before I asked and you’d tell me I can ask. You’d tell me that if the answer was no it was just no for that day, because you couldn’t be there, but that it is yes for another day. 

“Imperfect bellies are really the perfect ones because they have stories to tell“- this is the wittiest thing I ever read on the topic of bellies. I want to pass this belly-witty saying to the belly dancer leader later, and tell you about her response.

I had written out another reply but my lovely news arrived and distracted me. It was about how beautiful people are, young, middle aged, and old. How I was so lucky to meet two very old girls who gave me and my offspring a small part of the love they had for their children, who were the most magnificent creatures. One with the most incredible thick straight steel grey hair, whose eyes crinkled up when she laughed, whose cheeks were flushed and her heart heavy that night I happened to be going past and saw her light on. She’d lost her husband and she was drowning her sorrow with whisky. He was a beautiful man. She loved me and my offspring. They spent some school holidays with her, growing snowpeas, watching movies, and making meatballs. The other lovely girl, with pure white curls, bright lipstick and colourful dresses, probably not able to answer her phone because she was out having fun. Her motto was YODO. You only die once. Not YOLO: you only live once. So she made sure she lived as much as was possible. Her vibrant energy, no matter how much she suffered, how she adored my offspring and saw what special and amazing beings they were. Who took one under her wing and also spent days during school holidays living their shared interest together, such love they shared. 

I wrote a far better script explaining these beautiful old girls, beautiful within and without. How sad I feel that our modern generation has turned ageing into something it thinks of as unattractive and undesirable. I can see how beautiful these older people are, but it’s hard to apply the same feelings to myself. 

Oh how I miss those girls. If only I hadn’t been so short on time – working 48 hour weeks. If only I hadn’t been so afraid of visiting too much. So many ifs. But instead I will try to carry with me how blessed I was to have had them. If only people could live forever – or at least till I cark it 😂 

I got some beautiful news today. So very lovely “- evidence that SadSoul does not overshare!

Were you prepared for my above overshare? 😂 

My head hurts so much… My sore brain“- how are you toda/ this evening??? anita

I’m sick wah. I’m sure I’ll be fine in a day or so. I hate being sick. I wonder if I can find other words to express how awful being sick is for me, it’s probably nearly as bad as the deadly manflu. Jokes 😂

A very long read. Please don’t fall asleep 😂

Dear Anita

who-who-who is looking in the mirror? I don’t.  I look young same way my stove-top looks clean: I turn off the light above it, so I can’t see it.

I love it!  Unfortunately the mirrored doors into shopping centres don’t have lights to turn down hahahaha.

There is more to it though: so, I am slender and I wear those teenage-jeans with holes (not the big kinds), I look down at my legs and I assure you: my legs in-jeans look like 17-year-old legs (true!) and that thrills me. After a whole day of NOT looking in the mirror, and some wine (I know you don’t drink since you stopped smoking, and I am not recommending it, it’s just my thing), I FEEL young and in my mind, I look as I feel.

When I was a teenager and in my 20s- I felt old.

I am not so slender.  The last couple of years I started looking my age.  When I was 45 I used to get asked for identification to enter a pub or buy alcohol or cigarettes.  When I was 45 a bomb got dropped on my heart and it got totally broken, not just the broken I’d carried throughout life, but totally destroyed.  I think the rest of me has slowly broken in sympathy.  Luckily there is sunshine peaking it’s lovely warm self into my life again 😊

– this is the Soul in Sad Soul. No, I couldn’t, wouldn’t betray what you tell me/ show me here.  I won’t reject you, I won’t punish you for asserting yourself. Instead, I will congratulate you for it. I will help you move the cupboards (in a few days, when my right shoulder heals, I hope). And yes, a no will be just for that day.

I am having just a tiny little cry at how beautiful you are, how kind you are to me, how fortunate I am to have found an online friend like you <3

Sometimes I am inattentive though, make mistakes, but eager to correct them.

Aren’t we all and don’t we all.  Me too.

I was dead most of my life (youth wasted). Now, I am alive, what a delight to be alive.

This is a song to my ears.

this has been my worry, having seen the two 60-year-old scheduled to belly-dance in a month from now.

Their bellies, whatever shape they’re in, may have held human life in them for nine months, may have not.  May have felt the love for sad and happy things that their loved ones felt.  May have enjoyed delicious meals with good friends, families, and lovers.  May have felt the hunger that not being able to eat gives you when your heart is breaking or your wallet is busy making sure others don’t suffer.  Whatever, they are beautiful bellies, just if we could only hear the stories of how they found their way to being a part of those amazing 60 year olds who are able to share them with the world.  If only more people could proudly share their bodies that have enjoyed the budding of youth, the blossoming of middle age, the slowing down of the beginning of the second childhood!  Maybe we wouldn’t be so anxious about it if we were used to seeing age as beauty, not age that is not valuable and should be hidden away, age that is no longer acknowledged.  I noticed a couple of years ago that people don’t look at me anymore when I go shopping.  I read somewhere that a lot of ageing people notice that too.

By the way, they- four dancers altogether- are practicing their dance right now on the outdoor stage that I cleaned from heavy-duty bird poop two hours ago. I am not there to see it because I wanted a shower and dinner. But part of me wants to see it.. right now!

You’re so good cleaning the stage.  I bet these girls are magnificent.

“If only people could live forever – or at least till I cark it“– had to google “cark it”- it means (a slang in the UK, Australia, New Zealand): to die. Which reminds me: the other day I came across a British-accent speaking woman who said that over the years of being in the U.S., she toned down her British accent and all the British wordings that U.S. people don’t understand. I told her about your words, like “brekkie” and an immediately look of understanding registered on her face: breakfast, of course.

I don’t use the words I used to use all the time because people in this country don’t understand – I didn’t originate from here.  I love all the funny sayings different countries have.  Haha, google skidlid.  I’ll keep you going with unusual terms for things if you like.

had to google “man flu” (I am missing British and American wordings!). I am looking forward to a day or two when you are feeling way, way better!

You are definitely missing out on slangs!  I, on the other hand, have a bad dose of manflu!  My employer is dropping COVID tests off later on.  The world is still so afraid of COVID.  Being sick with it is an acceptable sickness, but the good old manflu doesn’t count.  Jeez…

The really scared people on my life are still a bit scared of covid. The only thing I’d like is a few months of lock down again. I got to enjoy the first couple when it first started. Alas, my workplaces found ways around getting us in, so I don’t suppose I’d get to put my feet up. Oh well. Feet up today.

My ex used to get angry when we went into pubs because I always got asked for ID. I felt a bit uncomfortable but these days I wouldn’t mind 😂

He broke me. His leaving was a God send. But the actual of him in my life broke me. Then in the aftermath things got worse. Hmmm. There I go, going non overshare. Things were let out in the open… My beloved ones had been dreadfully hurt. And I’ll always be responsible because I didn’t know, didn’t see it, had no idea. Trusted him. Was so overwhelmed by his loudness, his self proclaiming, his greatness. But he is gone, slowly things are healing, maybe one day all my beloved ones will be sitting around my table enjoying a roast dinner the way we used to!

two of a kind, millions of a kind: should be more forgiving of our mistakes and the mistakes of others’.

I love this.

Did you find your spider? Horrifying! I don’t mind them outside but not so keen on them in.

I’m watching a junk love thing on Netflix. So not my usual thing but I’ve run out of walking dead to watch 😂 😂 😂

it was/ is in my bed. I suspected for a while that I was bitten in bed! But what can I do? It’s a small spider-looking creature in a big bed, it’d take a long, long time to look for it, change the bed sheets.. for crying out loud, I’m too tired to do all that, it’s night time! It’s getting dark, so that’s my usual MO: ignore it (where is that F-n Spider though??) I put the lavender bar thing in the microwave and rubbed all the bites with it.

You’re funny as. I had a cockroach in my bed once.. Oh the horror.

Not sure what a lavender bar is. I hope it’s not soap and I hope it somehow has some real lavender in it!

“My ex used to get angry when we went into pubs because I always got asked for ID”– because he didn’t look that young?

I don’t know. I never thought about it. That would be hilarious if it was. He thought he looked really young but he looked really old, a lifetime of heavy smoking, etc. He used to tell me how young people thought he looked 😂 

“too painful still to share.

And my responsibility because I didn’t see.

You didn’t know, you didn’t see it, you had no idea. For-give your self. Forgive Sad Soul. It’s okay to forgive her. She is a good person worthy of forgiveness.

I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself but I’ve come far enough that I don’t ask God to take me to heaven on my sleep anymore. 

you watched the waking dead? It’s been years since I had a TV service, the walking-dead.. I have some memory of it. 

Another thing we have in common! But I have paid Netflix instead. And a TV that’s on its last legs. I have watched way too much in the last almost year.

We’ve had such a lovely catch up! How blessed to be awake at the same time. The internet makes the world seem small and do-able!

I met one of my little old lady friends, who’s gone now, and one of the progeny told her how great the bread is baked was. She said her husband loved fresh baked bread so I took one to them to surprise them. He was so happy. We sat at their table and he cut us each a slice then ate the rest himself. She gave little laughing glances to me. That’s where that friendship started. He was in the early stages of dementia but not so much that he’d lost his memories, just losing his nows. Oh how I miss them. Oh how I miss her. This show I’m watching kind of reminds me of them. Happy uncomplicated love.