Dear SadSoul:

“‘too close for comfort, in his mind?‘, ‘I wonder if he felt that you needed his closeness too much..‘… too much without knowing someone’s situation, on top of they’re in despair. Perhaps a few less cold hard facts?…

“To hear cold hard truths is needed at some point in one’s journey. It’s very difficult to know what the cold hard truths might be on an online forum with limited information. I imagine most people are reaching out for hope, and perhaps after they’ve found some, they are more able to deal with black and white advice where they may have gone wrong.”-

– You are absolutely correct, I will elaborate: (1) I remember that when I typed what you quoted right above on March 11 (I italicized it here), I was aware that I had limited information and that I may be (as I am inclined to do) projecting my mother into you (and my child self into your son), but I thought that placing a ? and writing “I wonder” in the above, took care of the projection, as in I am stating not this or that, I am only asking, I am only wandering.

I should have taken a step back and contemplated the big picture of possibilities before responding to you (the research I did on March 15 showed me possibilities of a bigger picture), instead of focusing on a corner of a picture because my projection led me there, seeing nothing but that corner.

(2) In my reply to you I lacked empathy for you. I delivered possible cold facts.. with a cold heart (not empathetic). I was not aware enough that there is a real person on the other side of the screen, a hurting person (who may be very, very different from my mother!). I responded with a bias, not with objectivity.

(3) People need hope first.. analysis second, or third. I want to keep this in mind.

Thank you very much for your honest and empathetic feedback, I am humbled. I would like to try again and reply to your original post (and to the rest of what you shared about your situation in the following posts) using what you taught me (1-3 above). Will it be okay with you?

anita

* This morning, when I read the first sentence of your 2-sentence post, I knew that I was reading something I never read or heard before. No one ever said anything like this to me. There was almost a tear in my eye, a tear that came out of a lifetime of mother-absence. The thought that came to my mind when I read this was: if only I had a mother, as in a person who is for me, not against me. Thank you, SadSoul.

And now, I will go again, thank you for the opportunity. One more thing before I start: I have a difficulty with the usual expressions of empathy or sympathy, as in saying, I am sorry for your pain, I don’t like to come across soft, affectionate, so I do tend to come across analytical/ factual/ academic-like… cold. I’ll try to be authentic and warm. Let’s see if it works out.

Dear SadSoul:

“the love and respect between us was strong“- I think that this is the big loss, right here. Before, love and respect surrounded you, and now, there is the absence of what was. I am taking a moment to feel how I think it feels or may feel for you.. an emptiness, a deep sadness, a sad soul.

“I have gone over everything I can think of to try and understand why he left and I can’t think of anything… I can’t imagine everything being big enough to make him cut me out of his life“- chances are that I will not be able to understand why he left, being that I know so little and that surely, I am not more intelligent than you. But I am going to try to understand because it’s in my nature to try and understand, like a detective looking for clues for why people do what they do.

“I did my best to accommodate every one of my children’s needs, and I was meeting this son’s needs with everything I possibly could. I wasn’t too close, or too controlling, I watched and listened to him and loved him with my words and actions… We had a lovely relationship, then it suddenly soured and he left“- I believe this to be true. I don’t think that he left because you didn’t love him or because you loved him wrong.

“he’d become quite involved in a new friendship that took up a lot of his time, and he’d been a bit remote those last few weeks… his only friend coming from a troubled family with lots of police involvement… My son had problems with being bullied at school, and became very anxious to the point of throwing up a lot and avoiding school… the other student cornered him the next day and body slammed him and broke his wrist…There are other reasons why he left but there’s no point rehashing them, they’re around his father trying to alienate him from me and my son wanting to do things he knew I wouldn’t approve of – illegal things… This generation live their lives through the internet.. It’s a whole new way of life. It’s a totally different world“- the reason, or main reason he left is right here in this quote.

Internet life for young people is way more interesting than real-life: it is action filled, computer games and all. It’s so easy to be a soldier in wars, shooting and bombing and all that with simple, easy movements of the fingers or hands, while sitting or half-way lying down comfortably in one’s room. It’s so easy to be a hero or whatever one wants to be.. powerful. In all that internet action, a loving, close relationship with one’s mother may feel boring, lackluster.

His new friend and his friend’s family life, doing illegal things, lots of police involvement, that was new excitement for him, a different kind life in-real-life.

Your son was bullied in school and was very anxious for a long time, avoiding school, being homeschooled, close with you. My guess is that his way to feel unafraid, courageous, powerful is to cross over from being a good boy, a mommy’s boy, to living on the edge perhaps, being a rebel, an outlaw (I may be carried away with my thinking here).

“his new friend had lots of chaos in his family life“- chaos that was exciting for your son, I think.

“I thought it was normal teenage boy stuff, and that he was starting his journey to manhood and separating himself from his mother“- normal teenage boy stuff on top of his extra need to feel strong, powerful.. no longer weak and afraid. Seems to me that he sacrificed the relationship with you not because it was a bad or a lacking relationship, but because the context of the relationship with you did not allow him to feel powerful, as in doing and getting away with doing illegal things” (“my son wanting to do things he knew I wouldn’t approve of – illegal things“).

“I had asked him not to be rude to me a few times and he would tell me he was joking or find a way to blame me. I did get a bit cross his last night here at being spoken to really rudely“- reads like he was trying to give the relationship with you a new context, one where he’d be a bad boy (not the good/ mommy’s boy that he used to be).

“Will he ever want to know me again? I have gone over everything I can think of to try and understand why he left… I can’t imagine everything being big enough to make him cut me out of his life“- I am guessing that his leading motivation at this time is not to get to know you again, or to get to better know his father or friend, but to feel strong, and he chooses the contexts where he can feel strong.

Imagine that if you allowed him to be rude to you and to do illegal things in your home.. he would have stayed with you. He needed a changed relationship with you. (Not that I think that you should have allowed him to be rude and do illegal things).

Now what? If only there was a way to create the context that he needs in a relationship with you, a context that will allow him to feel strong, powerful but without the rudeness and illegal things.

I am closing this reply with hoping that it is okay with you. What I brought up here is my non-biased, honest understanding of the situation based on the limited information you provided. This post is free from my previous inaccurate projections.

I hope that you will soon feel better. Maybe the principle behind The Serenity Prayer will help to replace your sad soul with a serene soul: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

anita

Heya Sadsoul:

Reading your post made my day, thank you!!!  How kind of you to take the time even though you were busy to send me this message!

And you are welcome. I hope to be reading from you when you have the time to post at more in length, looking forward to it.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

You are welcome and thank you for your empathy and for giving me a 2nd chance!

“He said one day he wanted to get big and strong so no one could ever hurt us… is he still the beautiful kid who told me ‘I love you my girl’ all the time… who hopped in bed with me each night for a goodnight cuddle, laughs, and a catch up before he went off to his room“-

– there was an established “us” in his mind and heart, you and him affectionately together, and together against outside enemies (“so no one could ever hurt us“). He wanted to get strong for the two of you.

“My son was so addicted to all things gym related though… He researched steroids, absolutely obsessed… He was really unhappy with his physical development… he was a little delayed in puberty… He became more obsessed with maturing faster and getting bigger and stronger“-

– somewhere along his getting physically strong campaign, he emotionally and physically moved away from “us“. Maybe his father, maybe his friend, or people in the gym or online shamed him, a teenager/ young man, for his affectionate closeness with his mother, made him feel ashamed and weak for it, so he figured that to become stronger and to get societal approval as a man,  he must move out and stay away from his mother.

“Regarding his friend… my son adored him. Even when the truth came out my son defended him and continued to think the world of him“- oh, I misunderstood: his friend lied about the police being called to his home. Do you know what it was/ is about this friend that your son adores?

“I’ve heard he is taking steroids since moving… I’ve heard he plays games online all the time at his father’s“- reads unhealthy and not a productive use of his time.

“And I miss him so much. I’ve started to process it a bit the last week. Enough to wonder who’s in there now, is he still the beautiful kid… I wonder if that kid is still somewhere inside just taking a break while he works out who he wants to be in life“-

– in a way, I am thinking, you are not alone: every loving mother loses her little boy and his child-like loving expressions, and a new relationship needs to be established, one between a mother and her adult son. Society encourages this shift and shames men who don’t accomplish it. The young boy who hopped in bed with his mother for a cuddle is not (and should not) do so as a teenager or a young man. So, there is a loss right there, precious memories that are forever locked in the past.

I hope that it is only a break in the relationship with you, and that he’ll be back to you a man, according to how he learns to define a man. When he is back, you will still see the kid inside him shining through, when he smiles at you and.. when he forgets to hide the fact that a significant part of him is still, and will always be, a boy wo loves his mom.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“His father never gave a shortage of awful things I could have used to create a wedge between them, but I didn’t, because.. I thought children need to love and respect, and be loved and respected, by both parents, even when they’re separated“- that’s admirable, on your part. You did right by your son. It is a shame that his father didn’t, shaming his son’s soft feelings for his mother and otherwise being the alienating parent.

I want to read and respond when I am better focused tomorrow morning (it is Tues late afternoon here).

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“I regret being understanding and shielding my son from his father’s true nature“- reading this sentence a 2nd time, I guess that it wasn’t a good idea to shield him from his father’s true nature. To alienate the other parent (I learned this from the research I did on page 1 of your thread) means to exaggerate or lie about negative aspects of the other parent. But to show the other parent’s true nature can be very helpful to the child.

“Society needs to stop being a jerk. I read a fair bit on the rights of passage for males, and how they have to find modern ways to achieve this now, because we don’t go hunting and slaying any more. I wonder if these younger generations are even more handicapped because… They sit at keyboards calling their parents, families, friends, teachers awful things because the meanest things get the most likes… they don’t have chores or responsibilities..“- very interesting, I didn’t know about the “like” culture that includes calling (previously) authority figures all kinds of names. And I agree about young people being emotionally handicapped because of modern life.

“Thank you for posting. You’re giving me so much insight, but also human contact, and not saying anything along the lines of I should be over this by now“- you are welcome, and thank you for the insight you are giving me, and for the contact with you!

“That’s me, always trying to do the right thing, always ending up in a huge emotional hurt mess“- does this sentiment have anything to do with that one sentence you shared in regard to your mother, that she never approved of anything you did, something like that (I tried to locate this sentence but didn’t find it)?

“It’s been really good for me reading your thoughts. I’m assuming your a bit younger than me also, which would add value to your thoughts, ideas, and advice, as you understand more about younger people than I do – I’m a fossil“- if you are a fossil then I am a fossil too. I don’t think that I am younger than you…!

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“I saw one of the things, where some person was having a hard time, and someone else responded ‘why don’t you just go k*ll yourself.’  They got hundreds of likes and replies with laughing faces… Another was a kid bagging their mother out because she got upset they took food.  So many people jumping on calling the mother names, abusive, saying there’s a reason for that kid to cut the mother out of its life.  All I could think is of was that there was a time in our lives where we were really poor… I felt sorry for that mother that the whole world was judging her and she quite possibly didn’t deserve it“- I now understand what you were referring to earlier. The American Psychological Association, apa. org, has a page on cyberbullying (defined as online bullying among children and teenagers, involving name calling, threats, sharing private or embarrassing photos, or excluding others). It says that 1 in 4 teenager has been a victim of cyberbullying, and 1 in 6- a perpetrator. In the 2nd example you gave, a kid’s mother was targeted. It’s a shame: a good mother job is difficult enough without the “help” of cyberbullies.

“I didn’t grow up with her.  My father had custody of us but we grew up in other homes as he never seemed to have a point in his life where he was able to have us until I was a teenager“- I wonder if any of the other homes was a good home for you and your siblings. I hope so, at least one. I wonder how little girl SadSoul felt… how she still feels within you.  I wish that you had one solid home from the start, just as I wish I did.

“I just recently kicked a huge number and I don’t feel it even in the slightest“- if you don’t feel old, you are not old, says I. About looking old, the way I go about it is the same way I go about the stove top that’s so difficult (for me) to keep clean: I don’t turn on the light right above the stove, so I don’t see the dirt. Similarly, I don’t look in the mirror (well, rarely and not at length, plus my eye sight is compromised and I don’t wear glasses). Works for me, ha… ha. (funny for you?)

anita