You put a big show on my face reading this. I have milk for my coffee. I had to google creamer 😂

I had the whole entire day off work that wasn’t a weekend day! Went and did my sport which involved a coffee along the way. Nothing scary happened so we are THE man 😂

That lawn. Hmmm. I have a fair bit of the good life planned for the weekend so I dunno.

I feel like I do all the talking in this www friendship! I’m looking at two very tall strong tree trunks amongst the thinner ones, admiring their beauty, grateful that my city life has some wild in it 🤎

… and just like that I’m in the depths of despair. I did something outside my comfort zone. My stomach feels sick, my heart hurts, my eyes are leaking. I feel so alone and unimportant. The people I want to be important to never wanted me. I haven’t felt this bad for a while. When does it end?

Thank you. You’re so kind taking time out for me while you’re off on your big adventures.

I did something different that I haven’t done in years. Most people would enjoy it but instead it highlighted how alone I am, how many people I love who I don’t have anymore, and how I don’t trust people anymore.

I don’t have any people in life who would notice if I died. No one would come looking for weeks. I’m not over dramatising that, it just is. It hurts so much that I have none of the people I loved with every fibre in my body, loved so much and made sure their needs and happiness were the most important thing.

After the pain in my chest lessened a little I reminded myself some of the people I’ve lost, that I loved and cared for more than myself, weren’t as big a loss as it sometimes seems. I reminded myself that healthy progeny meet partners and make friends and move away from their mothers, that it’s the right thing, and if I wasn’t so alone I wouldn’t miss their little selves that loved and needed me. I reminded myself that, other than the progeny, most of the people I’ve loved, loved themselves a lot more than me. I reminded myself that my progeny were my life, fed my soul, and now they’re grown I should find something else…

But it doesn’t change how I feel all that much. It doesn’t change that I’m alone and I have no one who’s got my back. I had my friend’s backs, but I learnt not to ask for anything because it hurt too much to be rejected. It frightened me. To face that I’m not valuable, it’s what I gave that they kept me around for, they didn’t want to give me the love and support I needed.

But none of it changes anything. I am alone. I explored fixing that but I’m very shy and I don’t trust people anymore. I’m too afraid of asking for help or understanding, or whatever, and being rejected. I’m afraid of me being who I am in the friendship and that I’m the problem, that somehow my fear creates in them a righteousness that subconsciously thinks they should take and I should give.

It hurts. A failed life ending in aloneness. Sorry I’m so down. The small little thing that would make it all so different is if my son hadn’t cut me totally out of his life. Then I remind myself that’s the straw that broke the camels back, only it was the most valuable straw. I skipped through life, knowing I loved him and he loved me, all it takes is a little bit of love. Then contemplating what went wrong, not knowing and believing I must have done something wrong, then the worthlessness and self doubt and every negative emotion has crept into me. All the fears and hurts a child has whose parents don’t care or want them. All the self doubt. Yeah. I’m not having a good day.

A good night’s sleep will hopefully help me tip things a bit more squarely. I didn’t realise just how much hurt I have still inside me or that a small action would trigger them so badly.

Thank you.

I haven’t got anything left to give. I don’t know how to be not me. I can’t forge friendships because I wouldn’t survive anymore losses. Being alone doesn’t fix that, it only means I’m alone with my hurt and loneliness. All I ever wanted was to be loved and I don’t trust myself anymore to be in a situation where I could be. I don’t mean romantic love, I mean good friendship, doing things together, like a meal. A meal that doesn’t involve the friend sitting outside, chain smoking and drinking wine, while I’m in the kitchen cooking up the delights. Alone. Eating and running. And again, I’m on the kitchen, alone, doing the dishes. Telling myself we had a nice evening and feeling ungrateful and horrible because the only nice thing for me was their pleasure in the nice food, the rest was just me alone creating that half an hour of pleasure for them. I’m scared of my choices in friends. How do I have a friend who’s there for more than the food? What am I supposed to say to make it work?

I’m sorry, this is probably confusing, it’s just everything in my heart spilling out.

I read this and all of the hurt started spilling out of my eyes and I had to stop. When I finish reading I think you will have given me something I’ve never had before. I will be back when I can read the rest but now I have to distract myself from how intensely emotional those few caring words I read are 🧡 I feel like a nut job but it’s too beautiful for words and it hurts so dam much and I just need to take a moment, you beautiful person 💙