me, a special person, me- a special person.

Yes you. You are a special person. I’ll keep saying this until there is a small part of you that feels special. I’ll keep saying this after then in the hopes a bigger part of you can feel special. I’m sorry we have to skip to the adult you before this happened to you and I understand how hard it is to take on when your childhood tips you the opposite so you lived unspecial for your adulthood. We will both get there 🌸

I imagine that your hair is dirty blond nope (with grey yes), that you are about 1.70 meter tall nope, no to little make up yes, very light skin nope; wild sport: 2-person canoe riding nope, (by the way, there are wild coyote calls in the dark, as I am typing this) omgoodness you live in a frightening world of magic!

About me: I am 1.65 meters, 50 kg, brown eyes with hazel, dark brown hair mostly grey, in ponytail, olive color skin, always in jeans, size zero USA).

Thank you for giving me a starting point on who my invisible friend is!

Embarrassing…feeling guilty for messing up others’ experience with my blood gushing (unintended) exhibition.

No no no no! It’s not embarrassing. Shzz happens and this sounds pretty scary and it’s not embarrassing. People aren’t like your mother, judging with mean spiritedness and a small nasty mind. So please please instead know that people care when others have accidents and get hurt. Please don’t feel guilty. I understand these emotions because they’re my life’s masterpiece, but they’re wrong wrong wrong. Gotta not hang onto bad rubbish they gave us.

No rushes. Hopefully you’re living something important and engrossing and haven’t had time for the old internet. Hopefully you’re feeling a bit more chipper than your were the other day

I’m back 😂

If you want to go over it, I don’t mind, but I think we’re fairly much on the same page. Just want you to know you’re not alone. I’m here at the other end of the world wide web. Also how cool you were able to recognise people cared.

I read your thread and agree. Half a century. But we get to start shaping the other half century to be a bit different. That’s what I’m thinking and hoping on.

A marvellous thing happened in my life this fine day. Actually, two marvellous things. I want to share this, that I can appreciate a nice thing happening, because for the first time in many years I see some of the sunshine around me. I was thinking this thought a few days ago, how my heart has stopped hurting for some long stretches just lately. Thank you for asking me and I feel like there might be winds of change blowing through me.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>How are you going, dear Anita? So you can picture a little of me, like I can of you now, I have very dark brown almost black eyes. I have mouse brown hair with lots of grey. Also, see below, I did indeed sidetrack myself and prattled on. I really do want to know how you are and more about who you are.</p>
When I was 13 or 14 my father told me my hair was mouse brown. Although I didn’t understand, and knew he was being negative, I was very happy inside to be a mouse. In the same lecture, he also told me I would end up barefoot and pregnant at a young age, just like my mother. I had a little thought to myself that he was the one who got her pregnant, so he was the reason, and I wondered why he didn’t get her some shoes.

Oh how stupid mean nasty people are. Sometimes I feel bad I questioned him on some things from childhood, and then I cut ties with him for a few years, until he was dying and wanted to see me. Sometimes I feel so guilty I cut ties. But then I remember the mouse brown barefoot pregnant me he predicted and I feel so righteous! 😂 😂

Dear SadSoul: “I completely amaze myself sometimes“- you completely amaze me too sometimes, in positive ways.

I wasn’t amazing myself in a positive way 😂

… express emotions that need to find a way out of you“- thank you! I had a talk with myself before I dared reading your replies: first, a voice said: SadSoul will be angry with me for projecting my mother into her!, and I felt some anxiousness about it. I then said to myself: but I told SadSoul that I was projecting, that it’s not her I got angry with when I typed a word in big print, I have let her know! I calmed down some and started reading your 2 posts.

One day I’m sure we’ll cross antlers on a subject but it isn’t a reason to hurt one another over. The act of disagreeing will probably make us fall back on default emotional responses which might hurt, but I can assure you that I will not be thinking meanly, or wanting to hurt you. If we do, I’ll remind you we’re just deer having a little tangle with our pointy horns 🦌 

“My heart has stopped hurting for some long stretches just lately. Thank you for asking me and I feel like there might be winds of change blowing through me“- this is the best part of what I am reading so far!!!

I did a strange thing yesterday. I bought some clothes. I went to the cheap department store and had a bit of a shop up. It was desperately needed. My clothes are full of holes. I got so many bargains. And in my favourite colours too. The things we do when we start looking out rather than just feeling the pain! 

“How are you going, dear Anita? So you can picture a little of me, like I can of you now, I have very dark brown almost black eyes. I have mouse brown hair with lots of grey“- I am pretty calm this morning. I just googled the meaning and images of “mouse brown hair”, somewhere between dark blond and light brown.. just a bit darker than I imagined. Very dark brown, almost black eyes… like my (brace yourself!) my mother’s (ahhhhhhhhhhh). Mine are brown with some hazel.

Do your eyes have flecks of gold and green in them? The offspring with hazel eyes has. I promise you my eyes don’t turn on anyone with the things your mother’s did. Eyes. A window to the soul. For so many years sad black eyes filled with tears, but just these few weeks crinkled almost shut with laughter, beginning to see life again.

“I really do want to know how you are and more about who you are“- we can keep exchanging little details like the above. “When I was 13 or 14 my father told me my hair was mouse brown… In the same lecture, he also told me I would end up barefoot and pregnant at a young age, just like my mother… I wondered why he didn’t get her some shoes“- funny, Funny SadSoul! “Sometimes I feel so guilty I cut ties. But then I remember the mouse brown barefoot pregnant me he predicted and I feel so righteous!“- when you cut ties with him, you cut ties from a man who insulted you and more, that was fair, righteous, sanctimonious Sad Soul! anita

I imagine sanctimonious people have large, pointy, slightly hooked noses, held up in the air with their self importance dripping out with drops of runny snoot. Hahaha. I’m picturing myself with this now. Much laughter now hahaha. But yes, my father was much more than insulting. Half the time I wish I could apologise for cutting him out – the scared weird child me doing my best to survive by being sorry and all that. The other half I’m relieved he’s gone and I don’t have to face seeing him, what it did to my mind and heart.

Tell me something lovely in your day. Tell me something awful in your day. Tell me something indifferent in your day! Dear Anita!

I am impressed by how well we handled it! I have an image of a mousy brown-fur deer with very dark brown, almost black eyes and pointy horns, crossing antlers with me.. is that you, SadSoul, are you a fellow deer (dear)?

We are the champions, my friend – singing to the song. I love it, dear fellow deer.

I got so many bargains. And in my favourite colours too“- what are your favorite colors? Mine is just one: turquoise.

I love turquoise too but don’t wear it. Favourites are shady foresty colours, soft browns, velvety greens, all the colours that haven’t been fashionable for a long time. 

Eyes. A window to the soul. For so many years sad black eyes filled with tears“- sad black eyes filled with tears, a window to your Soul. Even if/ when I get to know your real name (which has no s in it), I think that I’d prefer to call you SadSoul.

I read my words and thought, oh no, that’s sounds like my eyes are a window to my black soul. Of course I over think things, and came up with only black in little crumbs here and there, like when I occasionally think about writing something on my exes car (with a screw driver so etched in the metal) along the lines of: he only lasts 10 seconds.

That’s the truth too 😂

I just looked up “sanctimonious“… I didn’t mean that about you. (Please remember this point next time I use big/ uncommonly used words).

No panics, I didn’t worry about it, neither should you.

the curtains are covering the windows right now, let me open them.. Lovely: lots and lots of green outside, hardly anything but shades of green. (I am considering elevating green to a favorite color status). I hear birds chirping, different sounds, different birds.

I’m listening to birds too. The excitable blah blah chatter ones, the trades people ones with lower voices talking about having a beer, the laughy ones gossiping over a cup of tea… 

Not lovely/ awful: itchy insects bites on my lower legs, the kind that when hit by hot water, it’s a crazy- crazy- making sensation.. Have to put on insect repellent every time I am on the grass/ green when the temperatures are high enough to awaken blood feasting insects.

I love the feeling of hot water on itchiness that goes so deep it feels like it’s on your bones. 

Good having a chat with you this afternoon (here), SadSoul! anita

Let’s do it again soon!

Now reply with your wonderful day’s news so I have something delicious to feast my eyes on!!