Dear SadSoul:

“I slept fairly sh*t too…my sporting fail used a few muscles I’m now having to live with“- Sleepy Sad Soul can’t sleep with.. Sore  Sporting Muscles..?

“I was thinking on how much the ripples of knowing you… Gigantic hugs and happiness for your evening!“- if I wasn’t as tired as I am now, the rippled smile on my face would be bigger (wait.. my eyes are smiling, strange?). I am sending you a dozen sunflowers and a sunny hug too. I hope we both sleep better next (I still have 5 hours before sleeping.. not good with naps).

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“I can’t sleep“- do you have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or both? When you are awake at night, where does your brain go? I have trouble staying asleep and when I am up at night, I think. I prefer to think about happenings in the forums over real-life.

“How good are eye smiles! And flowers. And chocolate. And crisp cool evenings wrapped up in warm things“- poetic!

“I just read your other thread… no matter what.“- this is the one and only beautiful description about me and my mother that I ever read or heard (I read it first at 3:30 am, was awake then).

“Literally, she was given the best gift in the world, a baby girl, someone she did absolutely nothing to deserve, such a beautiful thing“- me.. a beautiful thing? No.. (my first response). Then a smile: REALLY, me.. beautiful? (2nd response). Then: taking a moment to let this sentiment linger, having the image of baby-me that I remember from an old photo, reaching out to her through decades back in time, seeing her as beautiful. Oh, baby anita, I say to her: you are beautiful! I didn’t know.

“and she was too mean and self centred to immerse herself in the wonderful thing that having a child is“- mean and self-centered is ugly, yes. I see it now. The Ugly was hers, not mine.

“I’m glad your loyalty to her has died. She didn’t deserve such a beautiful daughter who had her back every step of the way. Kids are so incredible how they love the unlovable parent, no matter what.“- So much of the ugliness that I did express over the years (during interactions with people other than her), was born to my loyalty to her, and maintained by my loyalty to her. I will share some about it in my thread in the next couple of days or so.

Thank you, SadSoul. You express yourself genuinely, honestly, simply.. beautifully, a way that reaches me.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“Both. My brain goes around in circles about things that I’m upset about, or worried about, and when it can’t think about things specifically it kind of goes on repeat thinking the same stupid thing round and round. Hard to explain!“- hard to explain even though you have a lot of time to explain, lying awake at night.. Insomniac Thinking (IT) is not a productive kind of thinking. Might as well, if we have to think awake at night, think about anything, something not as worrying, the lesser of the worries? Or think about someone else’s worries, someone you never met in-person?

“I wonder if the forums are your escape?“- it’s the way I escape to a place where I learn about real-life, and, as a result, I live my real-life better (I do). But more than that: this here, is real-life, only lacking the visual, auditory and tactile (can’t see your face, can’t hear your voice and accent, can’t feel your virtual hugs), but I can see your mind and heart and.. Soul, and you can see mine.

“Whatever it is for you, I think it’s good to have a place to take your mind to other (better) places“- for me, you are not a person limited to this website. I am okay with knowing you in real-life, although scared of the added irl dimensions, additional dimensions that may show me not at my best. It’s easier to type into the non-living, obedient screen than to talk to a living person.

I’ll read and respond to the rest of your post tomorrow because now, I am under the influence of red wine after (AHHHHHHH!) two hours ago (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH), for the first time, I saw a mountain lion (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) crossing the private road, right outside the driveway where I live, maybe 15-20 meters away from me (AHHHHHHHHHHH). Will I ever walk again..?

Back to you in the morning.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“Don’t be afraid. I’m very boring“– I like boring, predictable people, I really do!  “and never at my best, but always trying to be the best me I can be“- humble, trustworthy and beautifully said!

“I’m not judgmental and I don’t care about looks, money, or popularity – I’m very not popular“- I love this. You are gifted when it comes to combining words/ writing (says I).

“I just like honest people without hidden agendas and meanings. I like kind people“- it’d be perfectly peaceful place, this world we live in, if every person was honest, without hidden agendas and meanings, and kind.

“Oooh that’s terrifying. What type of sharp toothed tiger did you see on that other mystic adventure? You’re going to have to be careful of this wild world you live in. Are they coming close because the world is going back to nature around you or because they’re running out of their world?“- their world is here. This is not a heavily populated area, and there’s a lot of berries, rodents, rabbits, deer.. . lots of food for coyotes, bears, bobcats, and mountain lions.

“I am a weird combination of quiet and shy, but also talkative with those I know and trust. I like quietness“- I could have written this about myself.

“It’s human nature to love and protect. Human nature can be a whole lot of other horrible things too but if the majority of people were the horrible things, we’d die out. Your mother is a member of the extinction group, she’s not a part of the continuation of the race, she’s a failure as a human organism“- she is part of the extinction group- not on the massive scales that Hitler, Stalin and others were; not on the massive scale that current antisocial politicians are, causing millions of people to unnecessarily suffer and die-  But in this one person anita, she is responsible for a massive amount of unnecessary suffering.

Growing up I wanted to die, so that the suffering-within will end. But I didn’t want to.. bother her with the inconvenience… I felt too guilty. Replaying certain scenes in my life, it looks like a miracle that I did not accidently die, such as inattentively walking into a busy street, or driving too fast and almost crashing, repeatedly.

Unfortunately, and very sadly, there are other people growing up with her who suffered then, and still do.

Writing the above was difficult, to acknowledge the massive amount of unnecessary suffering one person can cause another person/ a few people in their lives, a few people who to one extent or another, in one context or another, hurt yet more people, making our world the place that it is.

“I hope somehow knowing that you matter helps. No one can give you the childhood you deserved but I hope it helps you heal knowing that in a different family you would have been cherished. I can’t go back and help you beautiful little self but I can tell you I would if I could. I’m glad we’ve blown into each other’s worlds“- I wrote earlier, in a previous post, that what you wrote back then was the most beautiful thing I ever read.. well, add this to the-most-beautiful category.

“I didn’t get to sleep last night… I’m really sad just now. On a positive note, I think this sadness is an equal reaction to the events around it… So, I think it’s regular sadness. Hmmm.“- I hope you slept better since, that your sadness is still of the regular kind.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

I had a tough night and slept very poorly, so I can’t focus and properly read or reply. I hope to feel better by tomorrow and get back to you then. I see your last line, referring to me as your invisible friend, you are welcome and thank you!

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“I’d spend hours full of guilt wishing I could think of a reason that wouldn’t hurt them, and occasionally I lied… I hated myself lying, even if it was a ‘white’ lie. I hated myself for letting them down in the first place. I hated myself for trying to ‘white’ lie. I’m this old now, and it’s taken this long to accept I just need to say, ‘I forgot..“- one feeling excessively, relentlessly guilty, one hates oneself, as in: I hurt you so badly, I am a BAD person, I hate this bad person (me)!

“I’m very glad you didn’t (die)!”- thank you!!!

“Maybe writing this can help the pain reduce in you? I hope so. For me, knowing someone understands and cares helps, you have given me this. Thank you for sharing such a deep thing with me”– yes, writing this helps ne, knowing someone (you) understands and cares.

“I am especially blessed to be able to give you such a thing. I don’t know you well but I can very much see that you are a special person; a special person who for no fault of their own was given a very broken human for a mother –  literally the opposite of a mother who loves and cares, a mother who hated and broke those around her, a broken piece of rubbish – but against all odds here you are, special, kind, growing yourself into the person you should have been allowed to grow up to be“- me, a special person, me- a special person. What a different life my life would have been if that was the message given to me from the beginning..!

“I spent a bit of time with the offspring reminiscing about the life of the loved pet… my heart sings because they’re no longer carrying hurt or whatever towards me for giving them boundaries. And! They sometimes forgive me and show amazing understanding for my failings”– ahh, A Mother, a real mother!

“I have been meandering through my reply for the last few hours, don’t a bit, coming back to it after interrupting myself with things I need to get done and probably time to digest what I’m writing too. You’re my invisible friend I’m pouring my heart out to. Thank you.“- invisible sad soul friend: I imagine (and I may be wrong, of course), I imagine that your hair is dirty blond (with grey), that you are about 1.70 meter tall, no to little make up, very light skin; wild sport: 2-person canoe riding, (by the way, there are wild coyote calls in the dark, as I am typing this), eyes: green, or very hazel brown.  About me: I am 1.65 meters, 50 kg, brown eyes with hazel, dark brown hair mostly grey, in ponytail, olive color skin,  always in jeans, size zero USA).

Last night, I had an alcohol related injury: I cut my hand.. deeply, accidently (ooops), in front of people, blood gushing. Embarrassing!  More than 24 hours later, my hand is bandaged, I am typing this with a taped hand, doesn’t hurt anymore.. it’s strange how alarming it is to watch your blood exiting your body in a big flow.

So, I didn’t sleep much Fri night, feeling guilty for messing up others’ experience with my blood gushing (unintended) exhibition. It is now Sat night, 10:08 pm.. late night. Good night, SadSoul!

anita