Dear Anita! I’m so pleased you found your photos! Hello Helcat 🙋

I did my dangerous sport and all went perfectly! I’ve been a bit anxious (insert/terrified) this week about doing it again. A tiny part of me wanted to give it up. Luckily it’s been a really hectic week so not too much time spent focusing on it.

I’m so glad you are fine and dandy, Anita. I am too at the precise moment in time. What do you do to help feel calm?

Our eyes are open at the same time for once! I need to sleep though 😂 I’m exhausted.

I like this: to understand what is true and real. 

I do this a lot with my sport, looking at my surroundings and focusing on them rather than the stories in my head, the worries and fears that also have a place but get away from me if I don’t keep myself centred in what is, rather than what if. I’m not explaining it well. I’ve been hurt in the past doing it so I carry fear when I do it, I have to tackle the fear in order to be safe, and a lot of that is being tuned into what is true and real. Only I never thought to look at it like that.

I’ve been thinking a lot on the posts in your other thread. What is true and real. The words I needed to describe what I’m trying to do, after reading them. I’m trying to untangle myself from my parents’ affects on me and my whole life. To give a stupid example, only it’s not stupid because it’s hurt me my whole adult life, my mother is very critical of my appearance, how I walk, how I hold my mouth, how I dress… I hate how I look, worry about how I walk and hold my mouth, you name it I’m insecure (hurt etc) by it. I’m trying to disengage myself from it. What is true and real is so true! Her meanness is true and real. I would never say such meanness to my children, to anyone. In actual fact, how someone walks, talks, dresses, I don’t think about it because why would I? I’m not that mean. I don’t have that horrible of an outlook. I don’t even notice things like that.

“I have to tackle the fear in order to be safe, and a lot of that is being tuned into what is true and real“- I need to think about this sentence for a while, about its meaning.

It’s not very deep, mainly I’ve hurt myself, my sport is a partnership that goes badly if I focus on my fears, so I gave to focus on the environment, my partner, and what’s going on around us. If I let my fears take hold my partner gets scared, then we can both get really hurt. I have to be present, focused and confident, to maintain the leadership role required of me. It’s hard for me because I’m afraid and I’m not a leadership kind of person. I’ve had to learn these qualities and they do not come naturally. Half of it is being focused on what’s true and real.

Have a great time on your adventures. See you when you’re back.

I wish I could inject it into my heart. My stomach churned and felt sick all day, because I fell into my default response to life, that I’m a failure. It wasn’t fun. So in the end I went and did my sport for an hour or so for some positive reinforcement. EG: if you don’t die it’s positive 😂

I’ve been a bit sad not hearing from my son to add to feeling failed. I miss him a very enormous large gigantic mammoth amount.

How are you doing? As I sit for a moment, listening to the birds sing their beautiful songs, and the sun gives up some of its warmth on my face.