you do know me. My first thought was that you were upset with me/ offended/ angry because I shared about people having guns in their homes. This thought repeated itself a few times in the last few days. Another thought: SadSoul is very busy at work, she said so earlier, so that’s probably why she didn’t post.

First off, I barely ever feel angry, only hurt. And if I felt hurt I’d tell you, but occasionally it might take me a day to process my feelings so my communication is logical. But believe me, I would not just disappear! I know the fear of not knowing and I never want to cause another to feel it. I am proud of your progression in being able to have the latter thoughts as well! To be able to have that thoughts is moving forward! One day hopefully the fearful thoughts won’t even bother to surface.

I have one of my kids here so I’m going to go and enjoy them. They live almost a country away, well, several if we were in some parts of the world, so I don’t get to see them very much. I’ll be back though! I haven’t even read past your first paragraph! Oh, on top of that, the sun is shining. I have a smile on my face!

I now remember that shortly after I asked you if you use dressing on your salad, her (you know whose) disapproving, judgmental and accusatory voice said: of course she does not, dressing is for people like you who don’t appreciation elegant flavors! something like that. She was so very judgmental about people on an ongoing basis: too short, too tall, too thin, too … too loud, too quiet, what they wear, how they wear it, etc., and all this before passing judgment on what they say.

I could have written this. Not about dressing but about so many things. I think I’m the ugliest misshapen person in the world thanks her. I didn’t think I should have accepted my bonus the other week because of her. I don’t ask for help or accept it because of her. I can’t relax in social settings because of her constant criticism, that dialogue. The one where, on the odd occasion I tried to tell her how much it hurt me, she slammed me on the face with ‘it’s true though.’

 I felt unusually calm one day, I think it was yesterday

The two steps forwards one back, only usually it’s one step forward and nine back, but one is better than them all being backwards!

Thank you for your message on my thread, I like it very much. As a matter of fact, it is making me smile right now, for the first time this Saturday morning.

Every word is the truth so believe it.

I am going to close this post with saying: it is possible that I will later scan this message in my mind, looking for something I might have said… 

I hope you didn’t! There is no need to. Even if we disagree on something, each of our opinions, etc, are totally valid and worthy, and neither of us intend on hurting the other. Believe in this. If there are hurt feelings we both know ourselves, we can evaluate our own personal reaction, and share with the other how we felt if we need to. We live, love, do, and think differently and that’s okay! I understand the fear of losing someone, even someone I chat to online with, and imagine adventures of bear sized awesomeness. But what’s more important is that you know that if I was that easily offended, and didn’t give you the decency of an explanation, that would be on me; that would be a massive defect in me, not you. You’re more important than someone’s super sensitive reaction to something you don’t even know you said. If I believe that, so should you, and stop worrying yourself! Get out there and chase a bear, will ya? 😂

I’m a little anxious about how I’m going to spread myself between all the work. First week in and it’s okay so far – ha, second day is so much proof it’ll be fine. I’m focusing on hopefully being able to save towards my big thing I want.

Hey! I might fit right in, in your wild wild west! I don’t have a gun but I loved western movies when I was a kid. That’s a nice memory. My grandfather put them on the tv and we watched them together.

How are you going? Don’t feel shy about sharing you and your life, I’m not judgemental. But also I understand not putting too much out there.

I had a wonderful weekend. Had one progeny here who lives a lot less far away than used to, but still almost a country away, and another with their partner who lives locally. They’re wonderful progeny. I sometimes don’t know how the f*#$ I got so lucky. The youngest that moved to go father’s was the exactly the same so it was an utter shock he went. He messaged again too. It’s an odd emotional roller-coaster but I anticipated it would be. Oddly my emotions aren’t super intense, so no huge intense happiness and no enormous fall when he hasn’t responded and it’s days later.

Have a lovely cup of something and put your feet up. One of the progeny and I went through a mulled wine stage, we’d make it ourselves. I can imagine us sitting around a fire, late in the evening, with our mugs of sweet spicy bliss. No bears, thanks!

Setbacks. Plenty coming thick and fast this week, it must be in the air, because I’ve had a few of my own too. I won’t go into too much detail but I’m struggling with default emotions, ones that I learnt to have as a child. Instead of having the confidence to say, ‘no, you’re wrong,’ I’m speechless and can’t find anything to say. I’m back in survival mode, trying to work out what I did or didn’t do, to save myself. Only I didn’t do anything. I’m hurt because I’ve been told I did something I didn’t do, I feel guilty, I feel scared. Why can’t I just stand up for myself? Instead I prepare for the beating.

Sorry I’m not replying to anything just now. I’m in a bit of a bad place on my head and heart just now. But I will get there, just need to sort through which emotions are valid and which are the default ones I’m trying to move on from.

I googled different areas of the British-spelling parts of the world when it rained a lot.. nothing conclusive came up.

LLolll. Your stalker talents aren’t as up there as they need to be. Luckily for me the weather has had a change of heart.

Powerless Default Emotion (PDE, just made it up). 

PDE works for me. Excellent acrinom.

Jeez. The other employer (most senior one) phoned me, outside of hours, to say it was noticed I wasn’t in the highest of spirits leaving and that they don’t want me to feel like any of the things going on at work were my errors. In the midst of calming myself and getting my brain blocks in order, which I was doing okay with too, but that helped. They need to make their minds up! I think I’m going to maybe have to say something. I did say that if I make an error to tell me about it at the time rather than saving them up for months and loading me up with them. They did that, two errors in six months, that were genuinely errors when you deal with that much data occasionally two letters can get swapped around in your brain. Not errors I could go, ‘oh yes, if course, I did that wrong or omitted to do it, etc, errors where 502 and 505 got muddled up. And they get very upset about errors, so two was quite astounding!

Aaah well. Onwards and upwards. I would prefer to be able to emotionally leave something like that with the ill informed person who’s responsible for it, but Mr take away is I didn’t fall apart, only felt a bit stressed. PDE didn’t get to rule the situation.

I’ll wait to read about your events surrounding this.

I witnessed someone do something wrong, Again, and Against my interests, Unethical, being a pushy, passive aggressive person who clearly cannot be trusted. I felt a Rising Rage (RR) that overwhelmed me. And I said nothing to him.

This is the point that’s becoming increasingly clear to me yesterday and today: the part of the anger that goes to rage, is the part that feels powerless to do anything to fix/ change the situation for the better, it’s the part that feels stuck in a wrong/ unjust situation.
You feel powerless because if you had raged as a child you would have been punished.

But what if you are locked in there and you don’t have any possible way to get yourself out of there.. you PANIC, fear goes to panic.  Same with anger, when you feel powerless to correct a situation, anger goes to rage: I am stuck here and I can’t do anything about it, a double whammy!
If anger and rage are just emotions you are feeling then you are the only person suffering from them.  There is something wrong with suffering from them because they hurt you, but there’s nothing morally wrong with feeling them – yup, I’m reading my own advice with one eyebrow raised because I’m no good at being comfortable with anger.  It frightens me when others express it and it makes me feel guilty and worthless.

I would suggest that rather than it making it to the rage stage, try telling the person you do not agree with them, you’re not interested in having a disagreement, but that you don’t agree.  Walk away.  Be proud you spoke up because you would be standing up for yourself by doing so.  Standing up for yourself is the cure to anger, it’s the protective action that is appropriate to take.  It doesn’t have to be a big showdown, just acknowledging that you disagree to them is enough.

And with anger, there is, for me, for others, a feeling of guilt associated with feeling angry, as in, I am bad for feeling angry, and this guilt leads to (or adds to) powerlessness.
I feel guilty about everything so I understand how feeling angry makes you feel guilty.

I felt angry at this person, paralyzed in the feeling that there is something wrong with me for feeling angry, so I said nothing to the person who really did something clearly, undeniably wrong. Not having said or done anything to correct the situation, I felt angrier, enraged, and overwhelmed by the intensity of emotion, it was too much for me to endure.

I have to fix my understanding of anger. It does not indicate that I am a bad person,
No, it doesn’t indicate you are a bad person, but as a child you would have been treated like you were bad if you got angry.  You learned to be your judge and executioner as a child in order to keep the peace as much as was possible, in order to survive.

it is not something I am guilty of. Anger has a valid purpose, to protect, to stand up for what is right and against what is wrong. Anger by itself, the emotion, is not abusive. It is necessary for survival of all species who get angry, not just humans.
Anger is a protective emotion, it motivates us to do what’s necessary to stay alive, but it also helps us do what is necessary to have boundaries with those around us.  The emotion is fine, but the action must be reasonable.  It’s people’s actions that give anger a bad name.

If you were brought up in a good Christian home you probably were bombarded with obeying or you won’t go to heaven, God / Jesus won’t love you, etc.  To make things worse, women have a special place in religion, one that has absolutely no room for emotions, opinions, thoughts, anger.  Not only did I turn myself inside out to keep safe in the home I lived in, but I was constantly trying to be a good girl so Jesus would love me, maybe even save me.  But also save my mortal soul.

And then, to add to the complexity, there is the fear of other people’s anger: what will they do to me?
This is reinforcing of feelings of guilt because you know firsthand that angry people hurt others.

I would like to come back to this later, and to read your thoughts about how my thoughts are connected to your experience with the two errors at work?
I think we’ve both had our wings clipped and can’t express anger.  It’s trapped inside because, as children, showing it ended badly, and those around us who were allowed it hurt us while angry.

Sometime last year I got a new neighbour took to parking on my lawn.  One day I got really mad because I couldn’t get out of my driveway, so I went and knocked on their door and said, ‘Can you not park on my lawn, please.’  I was quite furious.

Afterwards I felt so guilty and mean.  I sat with myself and let myself feel the guilt and shame but not to go over why I was feeling it, just to accept I felt guilty and ashamed.  Then I asked myself if it was okay that someone park on someone else’s lawn, and the answer is no.  I asked myself if I acted inappropriately and I did not.  Then I asked myself if it was a life’s wish that I stood up for myself and it was, and I had just done that.

I didn’t walk away feeling proud but I was able to put some of the guilt and shame where it belongs, nowhere, because there’s nothing wrong with asking someone to treat you with the decency you deserve!  I wonder if you might be able to tell this person, or another person you find yourself in a similar situation with, that you disagree and they don’t have to agree with you but that you disagree with them.  Disagreeing isn’t a deal breaker, you don’t have to explain yourself further or have an argument if you don’t want to, and you are entitled to feel it.  It’s liberating being able to quietly put it out there when your whole life you’ve been too afraid to speak up.  Practise makes perfect so it isn’t a powerful solution but it is one small step for mankind!  Also, soz for repeating a bit in this paragraph.

So, a funny thing happened.  Obviously had to go to work again after the event, and at morning tea the employer that gave me a telling off, myself and one other were sitting on a couch.  That employer said, ‘all the big people are on the couch,’ which offended the other person sitting with us as they’re sensitive about their weight.  A bit of too-ing and fro-ing went on between those two, and when they were finished, the employer asked me what I thought of big people on the lounge.  I said, ‘Well, there’s two adults sitting on this lounge, and then there’s you, was how I took that,’ while I laughed.