Dear Sadsoul:

Welcome to the forums. I hope that you will soon find the answers you need, and the peace of mind that goes with it.

“I have gone over everything I can think of to try and understand why he left and I can’t think of anything, not even if I stack every little negative thing that happened between us together, I can’t imagine everything being big enough to make him cut me out of his life“- there was something big enough- in his mind-  to make him cut you out of his life for the last nine months. If you figure out what it is, and see it as big enough, there will be a basis for a resumed communication with your son.

“We were very close before he left… for different reasons we were much closer than most, as he didn’t have many friends… I’ve never had a big circle of friends… My mother never approved of anyone, or of me for that matter, and cut ties. And my partner of five years left unexpectedly“- he was socially isolated, you were socially isolated, and the two of you were close.. too close for comfort, in his mind?

I wonder if he felt that you needed his closeness too much, and/ or that you were too much in control of his life?

“We were very close before he left, although he’d become quite involved in a new friendship that took up a lot of his time… I’d had a hard time juggling allowing him to spread his wings and keeping him safe with his new friend… his only friend coming from a troubled family with lots of police involvement“- I understand that you wanted to keep your son safe from a friend who may lead him the wrong way, but I also wonder if in your son’s mind, you were competing with that friend for your son’s attention…?

“Will he ever want to know me again?“- I hope so, starting with you being motivated to get to know him better, particularly, to get to know that which would be distressing for you to consider and accept.

anita

From what I have read, there were no harsh words spoken. Just a decision from the son to live with his father? Sounds like a boy looking to grow up. Happy birthday text, it all seems normal. If he has any issues with you then it is in his mind. You have done what you can to be his mother. I would text back that you are happy but missing him. May be even include something new going on in your life. Other than that, there is only waiting for him to want to talk. And as long as you make him feel he safe and can do talk, there will be a chance that he will.

Dear Sadsoul:

You wrote: “I think this message is a good sign…  that there’s no invisible barrier that estrangement sometimes creates. There are other reasons why he left… they’re around his father trying to alienate him from me”-

I want to do a little research on the above topics, which I boldfaced, because it is interesting to me (I am estranged from people in my family), and maybe it will be helpful to you, in some way (I don’t see how it can hurt). Maybe you already read about all of the following:

Wikipedia/ family estrangement: “Family estrangement is the loss of a previously existing relationship between family members, through physical and/or emotional distancing, often to the extent that there is negligible or no communication between the individuals involved for a prolonged period. Estrangement may result from the direct interactions between those affected, including traumatic experiences of domestic violence, abuse, neglect, parental misbehavior such as repetitive explosive outbursts… It may also result from the involvement or interference of a third party. <sup id=”cite_ref-:0_1-0″ class=”reference”></sup><sup id=”cite_ref-Agllias,_Kylie_2013_2-0″ class=”reference”></sup><sup id=”cite_ref-Carr,_Holman,_Abetz,_Kellas,_Vagnoni_2015_3-0″ class=”reference”></sup>The estrangement is often unwanted, or considered unsatisfactory, by at least one party involved… Estrangement from one parent caused by another parent is known as parental alienation…

“Although a family estrangement can begin at any stage of life, it often begins during late adolescence or early adulthood… A significant proportion of estrangements involve a third party, <sup id=”cite_ref-:0_1-2″ class=”reference”></sup>such as a member of the extended family or the adult child’s spouse. In some cases, the third party provides emotional support to the individual initiating the estrangement, providing the estranger with an alternative social support system and thus enabling the deepening of the estrangement. In other instances, the third party—either deliberately or not consciously—is actually the sole or primary cause of two family members becoming estranged.

“The rejected individual, or estrangee, may or may not try a number of strategies to repair the rift. In some cases, taking responsibility and making amends for harsh words or difficult circumstances may improve the relationship. However, if the estrangement is the result of a behavioural pattern (such as a personality disorder) rather than a sequence of unfortunate life events, it is doubtful that the relationship will survive in any meaningful form…

“Although the rejected party’s psychological and physical health may decline, the estrangement initiator’s may improve due to the cessation of abuse and conflict… Family estrangement activates the grief response because people who have experienced it often see it as a loss they were not prepared for and happened unexpectedly. However, the rejected family member may not achieve the final grief stage of acceptance, given that the social death of the relationship is potentially reversible. The prolonged suffering of the rejected party, together with a perceived or real stigma of having been rejected by a family member, results in isolation and behavioral changes in the rejected party…

<sup id=”cite_ref-9″ class=”reference”></sup><sup id=”cite_ref-10″ class=”reference”></sup>”An October 2022 YouGov poll in the United States found that 29% of Americans were estranged…. <sup id=”cite_ref-YouGov_11-1″ class=”reference”></sup>Cultural attitudes influence the frequency of estrangement, with the United States experiencing about twice as many parent-child estrangements compared to Israel, Germany, England and Spain. <sup id=”cite_ref-12″ class=”reference”></sup>The emphasis on the individual over a collective family unit is regarded as contributing to estrangement…<sup id=”cite_ref-:3_14-2″ class=”reference”></sup>

“Child abuse in the form of emotional, psychological, sexual, or physical abuse was cited by 13.9% of children who initiated estrangement with one or both parents as a reason for estrangement. Furthermore, 2.9% of estranged parents acknowledged their failure to prevent the abuse… Substance and alcohol abuse<sup id=”cite_ref-Carr,_Holman,_Abetz,_Kellas,_Vagnoni_2015_3-3″ class=”reference”></sup>, on the part of either the estranger or the estranged, are common causes of family tension and the resulting separation… Mental illness<sup id=”cite_ref-16″ class=”reference”></sup> on the part of either the estranger or the estranged is also a common cause of family tension and estrangement… Personality disorders, particularly the cluster B personality disorders (antisocial.. borderline.. histrionic.. and narcissistic personality disorder), cause significant interpersonal conflicts. Sufferers typically have volatile relationships and may be both the estranger and the estranged multiple times throughout their lives…

“Reconciliation and resolution of the conflict are possible in some situations… <sup id=”cite_ref-:1_23-0″ class=”reference”></sup>This may involve setting boundaries collaboratively, for example… parents and their adult children may set boundaries together about how often they want to communicate or what information should be considered private… <sup id=”cite_ref-:3_14-9″ class=”reference”></sup>Triggers for reconciliation include changes in the family situation due to death or divorce, worries about health and death, and developing a clearer perspective about the original situation through the passage of time.”<sup id=”cite_ref-:2_24-2″ class=”reference”></sup>

Psychology today/ family estrangement: “How to Reconcile: Often a parent feels they were cut off by a child without fully understanding the cause of the conflict. While communication is key in resolving discord, it’s hard when your child has blocked all your calls and disappeared into oblivion. On average, estrangements do not last forever. If you are hoping to end estrangement, don’t pile anger on anger. This is unproductive. Keep your emotions in check. * Reach out to your child, let them know you are there to support them * A handwritten letter or brief voicemail is best * If communication opens, listen without defending yourself * Don’t beg or plead * Listen with compassion * Acknowledge your contribution to the problem, apologize * If you are cut off by your child, seek therapy and support”.

new york  times/ family estrangement (Sept 2020): “Family estrangement — a topic once so distressing and shameful that people hesitated to discuss it — is drawing more attention as some tell their stories and researchers delve into its causes and consequences. Karl Pillemer, a family sociologist at Cornell University, has just published ‘Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them,” a book that provides something rare in this realm — actual data… This phenomenon of cutting off or being cut off from a family member is strikingly common in America.. (Interviewer): Can you explain what you call pathways, the most common reasons or explanations for estrangement? (answer): “One is difficult childhood histories: Abusive parenting, harsh parenting, memories of parental favoritism… Second, divorce, no matter when it appears in the life cycle… Finally, lifestyle and value discrepancies, especially in parent and child relationships. A kid coming out as gay or lesbian. A religious conversion. Different politics…

(Interviewer): “I know some readers will respond that they feel fully justified in cutting off contact. And that anyone urging them to reconcile — or simply telling them how to reconcile — doesn’t accept their view that they did the right thing” (Answer): “I’m not recommending that individuals reconcile. But for the vast majority who do, it turned out to be a positive, sometimes even life-changing experience. They found it to be a major life accomplishment… I would say to the people who feel that it was the best thing they ever did and they feel liberated as a result: More power to you. But for most people in estrangement, that’s not their experience. They feel there’s something missing from their lives.”

abc. net. au/ why do family estrangement happen: “Tamara Cavenett, the president of the Australian Psychological Society and a psychologist with an interest in family conflict, says one type of family estrangement is more common than others. Most commonly, it’s an adult child choosing to become estranged from a parent… She says there’s usually a big difference ‘in how both people see what might have caused it.’ ‘The reasons that the adult child would give … are often that it’s a clash of values, or abuse in the childhood, or feelings of being disrespected and unsupported [over time],’ she says. ‘When you sit down with the parent, it’s most likely to be blamed on a recent event, or a divorce, or their child’s spouse, or what they perceive as their child’s entitlement. So you’re getting two very different views of what’s happening.’…

“For Ms Cavenett, repairing an estrangement is all about redefining what the relationship is. She says, with the right professional help, ‘you can have [the person] return to your life in a redefined way’ and ‘it doesn’t necessarily have to be the way it was, or all or nothing.’ ‘It may be that you just need to put new boundaries in place.. That can often mean that you hit a new ground of friendship as opposed to a parent-child relationship,’ she says.”

Wikipedia/ parental alienation: “Parental alienation is a theorized process through which a child becomes estranged from one parent as the result of the psychological manipulation of another parent. <sup id=”cite_ref-jaffe_1-0″ class=”reference”></sup><sup id=”cite_ref-kruk_2-0″ class=”reference”></sup>The child’s estrangement may manifest itself as fear, disrespect or hostility toward the distant parent…  The child’s estrangement is disproportionate to any acts or conduct attributable to the alienated parent.<sup id=”cite_ref-ellis_5-0″ class=”reference”></sup> Parental alienation can occur in any family unit, but is claimed to occur most often within the context of family separation, particularly when legal proceedings are involved…  it is primarily motivated by one parent’s desire to exclude the other parent from their child’s life… <sup id=”cite_ref-lowenstein_8-0″ class=”reference”></sup> Parental alienation describes the breakdown of the relationship between a child and one of the child’s parents, when there is no valid justification for that breakdown. When parental alienation is found to exist between a parent and child, the alienation is attributed to inappropriate actions and behavior by the other parent. <sup id=”cite_ref-mercer_19-2″ class=”reference”></sup>Parental alienation falls within the spectrum of family estrangement“.

Is there anything new to you in the above quotes, Sadsoul?

anita

Dear Sadsoul:

Thank you for posting again and explaining your thoughts and feelings about my March 11 post. I am very sorry that you felt hurt and worthless when and after reading it!

“I have considered your thoughts and research, and that perhaps you’re not much of a wordsmith, which is why I’m coming back to let you know that there are other ways you could say things. Ways that don’t make someone who’s already really hurt feel even more worthless“- if you are willing (if it wouldn’t upset you), can you let me know another way that I could have brought up the ideas/ questions in the March 11 post, a way that would not have made you feel hurt and worthless?

Or is it that you think I shouldn’t have brought up what I did? In that case, what kind of a reply would’ve helped you?

It might very much help me, if you do, and I’ll appreciate it.

“Have you seen how young people interact? It’s vicious and awful. It’s a whole new way of life“- are you referring to cyberbullying and such?

“Could it be possible I wasn’t the baddie in this?…I’m sorry if what I posted above hurts you“- I appreciate you caring about my feelings, caring enough to submit a 2nd post expressing a concern that my feelings are hurt. This is not what a bad person/ a.. baddie would do.

Yes, my feelings were hurt somewhat. I felt some of my own worthlessness feelings of the past, but then, I got over them and felt empathy for you, as well as appreciation that hurt and disappointed, you didn’t just disappear, but had the courage to post again and explain, and in so doing, giving me an opportunity to learn and submit better replies in the future.

anita