Hi Anita! I’m so happy you’re still here ^_^

I’m a little stunned you found that old post [I honestly forgot about it] it is still something I struggle with. Interestingly, I recently said something similar to my therapist about how everyone says I’m too negative and she said “I don’t think you’re negative. I’ve always felt you’re realistic.” I almost cried. I seek validation from others, it’s one of the many things I’m working on. [a lot of abuse throughout my life, I need reassurance, because I’m always double guessing my emotions] That’s why I’m here. It’s a new decade soon and I really want to achieve my goals. I know New Years isn’t going to change much, but I’m really feeling that new year energy thing, you know? So I’ve been reflecting on a lot of aspects in my life, and my friend has become a topic for many as “why are you still friends with him?” He means so much to me, and we mirror each other in a lot of ways, but when he’s in a group, he becomes [for lack of a better word] an alpha male and a lot of questionable behaviour rises up. There’s a part of me that is worried he’s wearing masks and even when we’re one on one it’s an act, but on the other hand, I really don’t feel it is. I’ve just been wrong before, and I’m worried he might be manipulating.

Around the time I was at my lowest point, he was too, and one thing we both did was remove toxic people from our lives. The difference was, he told them to their face everything they did and gave them a choice to change or leave. I simply limited my interaction with them until they faded into the background [this includes family members] Recently, he’s been trying to convince me to do the same thing he did with the family I am in frequent contact with. We debated it and agreed to disagree since my view is I love them, just don’t like them, and I don’t want to burn a bridge because there was a lot of trauma in the past. His view is any bridge, even a rickety one, that leads to a toxic place should be burned. I told my friends this and K and B say it sounds as if he’s trying to isolate me from my family. [all three of them know how traumatic my upbringing was, K and B agree I should limit my interaction with my close relatives, and that bringing up the past to go “see what you did” would simply be a cruel excuse for a fight. Confronting my relatives, giving them the long list of abuse I suffered, then cut them out, is what my new friend wants]

Anyway, it’s stuff like that, he means well, he wants to help me grow, but his approach can be extreme, and his personality changes depending on the people we’re interacting with. None of my old friends trust him and can see a lot of red flags and similar situations. I admit I see them too. Even my therapist warned me I’m running towards him because he’s broken and I want to save him [especilly since he saved me earlier this year] I just don’t know if I should confront him or leave it, or perhaps as all my friends say, run away because he’s actually manipulating me.

[Sigh, emotions and relationships are tough lol. Hope you’ve been well.]

lol, I love your response Inky [also, hi again] I feel like I’m bad at describing people, but I’m being honest, and I really do see the issues. While I’ll consider taking a step back from our friendship, it’s either I keep him or lose all my friends. I work with his girlfriend and our other friend, and our third friend is his roommate. My work friend and his roommate are the two nobody has issues with. I’ve never felt comfortable around his girlfriend even before they started dating, she’s very judgemental and passive-aggressive, especially towards me and I’m currently trying to put up a barrier between her and I because of how critical she is of me. If I try to take a step back from my friend, he’ll notice. I had a bad mental health month or two recently and he noticed before anyone else and was checking in on me constantly. On the rare occasion I’m upset with him, he notices and will pull me aside to talk. If I stop hanging with him, I stop hanging with all four of them because we’re pretty well woven into each other’s lives now. Another major reason I’m contemplating stuff is because I’m finalizing the wedding invitation list because I’m sending them out next month and he frequently checking up on things, asking guest-related questions, and seeing how the planning is going. I was going to go around not inviting his girlfriend by going “well, he has a plus one” and should they break up, one of the other friends will have plus ones and they’re all single [which is one of the theories why he’s trying to separate my fiance, I usually had to check with him before any last-minute “who wants to go to this place in an hour” and the majority of the time I would tell him “I would, but my fiance feels it’s too last minute” and now it’s just me invited, so I always go] but if he doesn’t get an invite, he’ll have questions. Heck, everyone will have questions, because we’re so close strangers constantly think he’s my fiance.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Nekoshema.

I have two separate friend groups. My group of old friends live in the east end of the city, and my new friends and I live in the west end. The only reason K and B know my friend is because I invited them to my party. They do not actively seek him out and don’t go out of their way to socialize with him. My new friend group, we all have varying degrees of eye-rolling “he’s doing that thing again.” The other day I was telling his roommate what my fiance claims he did at the dinner and the roommate sighed and replied “of course he did that. He thinks he’s some valiant knight protecting his friends when he’s actually coming off as a bodyguard.” and we both had a laugh at our friend because he does this. He thinks people see him as a bad white guy, so he will frequently step forward and go [essentially] “I am a tall, straight, white man, and I am defending the rights of all those who are not me because for too long straight white men have been in charge and it is time you listened to this oppressed group. Since I am defending said group, I am a good person.” He thinks he’s being chivalrous when really it’s coming off, well, desperate for validation?

As for our flirtatious friendship, my fiance is fine with it because he knows it’s harmless and nothing would happen [we have a very open, honest relationship] he’s more concerned my friend will cross the line. As for his girlfriend, she won’t say, because she bottles up how she feels until she explodes. When that happens, she waits until I’m alone [example, I go into the stock room at work and she follows me] then she’ll corner me and hound me until I’m crying because “see, you say you’re sorry, but I don’t think you really are.” Though I have noticed when it’s a little too intense, she jumps between us, gives me a hug [she almost never hugged me before they started dating] then cuddles up to him [and half the time he pulls away from her] Example, this one time we went two weeks without seeing each other [the longest we’ve gone in over a year] when he came into my apartment he raced over and held me for at least a solid minute if not two. After a while, I asked if he was okay, he said no, when I asked what I could do he replied “just hold me.” so I did. It wasn’t until, as I said, a minute later at least, I realized and told him his girlfriend and my fiance are in the room and he let go. [my fiance said it was fine, his girlfriend didn’t say anything] when they were leaving he slipped his arm around my waist and was giving me a side hug while we chatting in the doorway. His girlfriend was standing across from me and I could see her squirming and she proclaimed, “I want to hug Neko too!” then tackle-hugged me really quicky, turned and quickly hugged my fiance [who she has said repeatedly she hates] then grabbed her boyfriends arm and drags him outside.

Thanks for your input. your line about him wanting me to fight injustice made me smile because that’s what he does. It’s what he lives for. It’s something I admire in him. I know what he meant by it, but we have two different worldviews. His upbringing wasn’t abusive but he did have a number of toxic relatives. He confronted them and argued his viewpoint so he could receive some semblance of closure, so he advocates people do the same. I don’t like confrontation, I always tell him nothing disturbs me, he can say/do anything and I won’t be bothered, but in that friendly debate, I explained the only thing that triggers me is being in the room with two people arguing. If two people are screaming a each other I break down, so approaching my family and laying out all the terrible things they did, I know will result in them yelling at me, and I will crumble. He’s not pressuring me to do it, he’s articulating how freeing it was for him, and while it isn’t for everyone, he wants me to stop avoiding.

My New Years’ goals are working on my self-confidence, tone down my inner critic, and build on the things I’ve started in therapy. I’m trying to build a more positive future, one where I’m more emotionally and mentally stable. My fiance and I are wanting kids in the next 5 years, and while it’s not the only reason I want to become a more stable, well-adjusted person, my childhood trauma has always been a shadow looming over my vision of motherhood. I don’t want to repeat the patterns, so I’m actively working on finding stability now. I honestly feel about 5 years behind in my life lol. I know everyone’s on a different path, but I feel like I’m 30 going on 25 in terms of accomplishments. This year has been so rewarding, a lot in part to my friend, and I’m hoping to build on the successes and projects I began this year. I’m actually excited for the future [which hasn’t happened since I decided to move to this city 3.5 years ago]

Regarding his girlfriend [honestly, this is the most times she’s been called that. Most people don’t know they’re dating and he has only once referred to her as his girlfriend. In fact, when she gave him his birthday gift he gave her a high five and said “you’re an awesome friend” then gave me a hug a few minutes later] as I said, I don’t like her because of how she treats me. There’s a small part of me that gets joy out of how he comes to me and not her most of the time [and I know I shouldn’t] but I have tried to take a step back. Hence why at the party I sat across from him and not beside him as normal. [but as my friends observed, his focus was on me and not his girlfriend] I’m currently working on not being so open with her [my therapist suggested it] I’ve known her for a little longer than him, but I know more about him in 8 months than her in nearly 3 years of working with her. She gives me one-word answers or walks away, and when I talk to her about things she will say things in a judgemental tone. She’s also diagnosed me with a learning disability despite the fact I’ve explained why I am the way I am, and that I have been tested for the learning disability she claims I have and I do not, then she’ll go “yeah, but it’s usually misdiagnosed, so I still think you do.” The last time I told her anything in an attempt to be friends was when I was super excited I had a breakthrough in therapy. I told her I discovered the emotion I typically feel is shame [huge deal for me, I had no clue. typically, if I’m not happy, I’m sad, other emotions don’t register] and she looks at me, scrunched up her face and goes “oh? you didn’t know you constantly felt shame? Because it was really obvious to everyone.” and skipped away.

As for my family, I have all the abuse [I use to say “all but one” but another breakthrough in therapy, turns out it’s all of them *unenthused cheer*] I know it doesn’t excuse it, and it really doesn’t help my case when I say things like “they were only physically abusive when they got mad, so it wasn’t so bad.” But it’s how I rationalize and cope. They were people doing the best they could, despite it being bad. My parents had a very rough divorce [hearing them screaming every night for 3 years can make anyone triggered by arguements] We moved to another Provence with my mom who would get upset whenever we reminisced or called our dad, dad’s side, or old friends, so my sister and I stopped contacting them, and they eventually did the same. It’s strained, but we’re slowly rebuilding that relationship. [which he encouraged me to do]

My friend specifically wants me to confront my mother, who he doesn’t like [yet she finds him charming and can do no wrong] I was a parentalized child, had to play therapist for my mother, became her “rock”, was emotionally manipulated and verbally abused. When I was in my gaslighting relationship I developed an eating disorder [which she brushed off as “you’re not thin enough to have an eating disorder”] and began self-harming, which resulted in her getting mad every time she saw and would hit/punch me or throw things at me [which normally happened growing up when she caught me doing something she didn’t like] my mom has moved far away and whenever she comes back to visit she stays at my place. She’s visiting next month and has voluntold me she’s staying. This is why my friend wants me to list all those things to her and go “and for those reasons, I am not comfortable with you in my life.” To which I know exactly what will happen, she’ll cry, probably hit me, and start screaming about what a terrible mother she is. Instead, I limit my interactions to texting and the occasional call. When I’m with my mom it’s odd. The first day everything is fine, and then she’ll say/do something upsetting and I just have to bury it, but in the years she’s been away I’ve become more open and willing to talk about things, so having to bite my tongue around her and her side of the family [aka, the people my friend want me to confront and cut out] it causes me a lot of anxiety, which causes me to have a panic attack, which then causes my mother to hit me and tell me to “stop making a scene” which, as we all know, fixes a panic attack. [spoiler alert, it doesn’t] then she leaves in a huff, goes to my sisters [who is far better at coping and is aware of my struggles] and proceeds to vent to her about what a terrible person I am and how bad our mom feels because of my actions. Lather, rinse, repeat. But I love my mom, and we do get along and have fond memories and good times together. We’ve just became different people and she doesn’t like that, and she has a tremendous amount of guilt surrounding all the stuff growing up, but she doesn’t believe in therapy, doesn’t want me being too open with a therapist [which is why she doesn’t know I go to therapy] and becomes defensive when I bring up the past.

I have anxiety, so I work myself up with scenarios and scare myself before she arrives. While things are never as bad as I envisioned, I’m still on edge. This thanksgiving we visited my grandparents and my mom’s family was there [including my uncle who I did cut out of my life and is banned from my wedding. He threatened to kill me and my fiance and when I told the family they shrugged and went “that’s your uncle for you. He threatened to kill me *proceed to tell me the time he threated/attacked them as if it’s a charming story*”] it wasn’t as bad as I expected, but nobody spoke to use outside of my sister and two cousins [the other “black sheep” of the family, religated to eat in the kitchen while the rest of the family sat in the dining room. Wasn’t a problem, we called dibs on the kitchen table to avoid them.] the only thing they said [after not seeing me for two years] was “oh, you finally lost the weight” then walked away. No hi/bye nothing, just commented on my weight and vanished. This triggered my eating disorder and made my nerves bad and my mental health went down for about 2 months and very recently I started eating/recovering from it.

Basically I like my life now and any change [mom coming back, losing my friend, his girlfriend] is rather upsetting because it’ll change for the worse, and I want things to change for the better. [and I know bad things will happen, but if I can prevent them, I would like to]

Firstly, yes, my fiance is a wonderful man and I’m the luckiest person to have him. I want to stress I’m not pursuing my friend, this is just how our friendship has progressed [we tend to make a lot of innuendos, sex jokes and flirtatious banter] I discussed it with my fiance, he said it was a little questionable, but he trusts me completely, it’s my friend he’s convinced is up to something. As time’s gone on he’s stated he dislikes my friend [especially after that dinner, obviously, which my friend still doesn’t believe my fiance doesn’t want his friendship. I’ve told him to his face twice and my friend still acts like they’re best buddies and nothing happened] and while he won’t tell me to stop being friends with him, my fiance does hope I walk away from my friend. As for how I would feel in a similar situation, I was years ago. He had a longtime friend who he knew through an online game and they were flirtatious. I met her in the chat a few times, she was very nice, wanted us all to meet in person one day. Unfortunately, she passed away, it was very hard on my fiance. We decided to have a photo of her at our wedding because she was one of the first people we told and she instantly said she would attend.

Very fair point about the girlfriend, though I should point out we’ve been friends for over a year and have always acted this way. His girlfriend hasn’t been dating him long, she was one of the friends we hung around with for the same amount of time, and she’s seen [and commented on] our friendship. About a month ago, she asked him out without telling us and wanted to keep it a secret. If we didn’t overhear her bragging to a coworker she was dating our friend, we’d probably still be oblivious. Yes, that whole hugging me in front of her happened after we found out they were dating [which again, it’s only been a month] but when we confronted her with this fact [as in myself, the work friend and the roommate] we said we were fine and nothing had to change. And I’ll admit my friend took the “nothing will change” statement to heart since we’re still as flirty, cuddly, clingy as before. We still sit together when we go out places. I’ve deliberately waited for his girlfriend to take the seat next to him, and he’ll get all confused. Twice since we found out they were dating he’s looked at me all sad and asked why I didn’t sit next to him, and once [at her house I should add] when everyone else got up for food [I stayed in my seat because I wasn’t hungry] he took our friends seat next to mine and moved it so close to me he was practically in my lap. [no joke, I asked the person sitting across from us at the table if there was no room and she replied “oh no, there was enough room to put another chair between your friend and the person next to him] I know I’m not defending his actions very well, I’m mostly trying to say it’s a very new relationship and he’s acting like they’re not dating outside of walking beside her when we’re in a group. Otherwise, it’s the exact same dynamic as it’s been for a year, and if you were to ask who his girlfriend was, everyone instantly picks me. I know his girlfriend isn’t happy, she refuses to say anything, but I’m leaving things as the way they’ve been because that’s what we all agreed on. So until she backs me into a corner and starts demeaning me [I’m betting it’ll be at the New Years party he’s hosting because my fiance is banned from attending] I’m leaving things as they are, just trying to take a step back from her as a person and avoid any extra physical contact with him.

Reading your above post, I’ve met a number of narcissists and while you make a good point, he is different from them, which is why I hesitate to conclude he is one. Yes, I’m also aware of my tendency to “save” or “fix” people, and I’m trying not to with him, but there is a part of me that’s trying because [as far as I’m aware, it could all be a lie] I know him and I know what he’s going through. This is where I get confused because of all my past trauma I’m constantly double guessing and seeking validation because I’m convinced I’m making stuff up, what’s happening is not really happening, like sure he keeps bumping his leg against mine, but that’s a coincidence, not intentional [to which everyone including my fiance is like “he’s a straight dude? Yeah, it’s intentional.”] I’ll examine how our next hangout goes [if it’s not the party it’ll be movies next week] and if he’s still rather physically close I’ll say something because I have been trying to keep a little distance since he’s now dating someone [despite how she treats me]

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Nekoshema.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Nekoshema.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Nekoshema.