Dear Alexa,

Sorry to hear of your difficult situation.

I don’t think you should break up with him because that is unlikely to appease your mom or stop her from treating you in this manner. Even if she does so it will be temporary till she finds the next issue.

You have already been through so much with her. A person that you look up to for love is not giving you the care and support that you need. That kind of hurt is not good for you. You mentioned about various sources of your support. It is probably a good idea to move out away from your mom at the earliest so that you can focus better on your issues and your own healing.

It will be a difficult decision but your health should be your top priority.

Take care

Dear Alexa:

Clearly your mother isn’t functioning well as your mother and hasn’t before the boyfriend. Her dysfunction does not mean though, that your boyfriend is right for you. The two are separate issues.

Your boyfriend lived in New York, a liberal city with strong laws and regulations regarding the work place, strong anti harassment laws. And yet, your boyfriend experienced his boss “sexually harassing him for months”, then she or him “became very aggressive towards him”. Calling him and threatening him, stalking… continuing inappropriate behavior”. The boss’s aggressive behavior was so bad that you and your boyfriend were considering getting a gun and planned to go to a shooting range.

His boss didn’t care to be caught harassing him, didn’t care to call him (could have been recorded), didn’t care to lose his or her employment, kept at it.

Soon after your visit to NY, after your hospitalization, he quit his job. I am curious and would like to understand better: what is happening with that aggressive harassment history at this point, did your boyfriend take a legal route in regard to it before he quit his job? Any idea about the harasser’s carelessness to be taking it that aggressively in New York (as opposed to a third world country, I suppose), and why didn’t he quit that job earlier (after all he is from a well off family, could have afforded to quit, no?)

anita

Dear Alexa:

Your explanation is helpful to me. I am looking at the title of your thread: “Should I breakup with him so to appease my mom?”

You shared that your mother “Thinks HE’S the reason I ended up in the hospital” so she refuses to allow him in the home and so forth. Reads like her motivation is your well-being. But then when you expressed to her “how her behavior has  effected me” (“lost about 12lbs in weight, I have crying spells, insomnia, vomiting, migraines, dizziness for extended periods of time”), her reaction was “Sorry, but there’s nothing I can do”.

I suppose her motivation after all has not been your physical well being. Being dizzy for extended periods of time is dangerous, after all.

“there’s nothing I can do, ” she said. She “Doesn’t give a sh*& she’s affecting me and making me ill”. She told you that you can leave and that she “don’t care what you do”.

Back to the question in your title, my answer is: you have no moral obligation to appease your mother. If she continue to make your life miserable until you break up with him, and if you are not able or willing to move away from her, I suppose it would make sense to break up with him so to make your life easier (assuming she will be satisfied).

Isn’t it interesting, your boyfriend’s boss didn’t care either how he affected your boyfriend, I suppose he too may have said to himself something like: if he (your boyfriend) doesn’t like it, he can leave!

anita

*Re-posted

Dear Alexa,

You are most welcome. You can list out the steps that you are taking to help yourself. Taking those steps one at a time will help you prevent being overwhelmed and assist in your recovery.

You will find the maximum possible support here.

Prayers

Take care.