HomeâForumsâRelationshipsâShould a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality?
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Tee.
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April 17, 2024 at 1:22 am #431778
TeeParticipantDear Paradoxy,
I’d like to comment on some of your thoughts, because it seems you believe that your lying and deception about her ex is the same as you lying about having received a message from you high school crush.
She is referring to my high school crush incident that I shared with you which unfortunately looks like I lied, from her perspective.
Let’s see: you received a message from your high school crush and family friend (a girl named Pryanka, right?), practically flirting with you because she asked you if you cook, and when you said only pasta and noodles, she said you should cook for her some day. You declined the offer and deleted the entire conversation because you didn’t want to be unfaithful to B:
one of my crushes from high school (who is a family friend so we still talk) asked me about how college life was and whether I cook and stuff and I told her that I cook simple meals like pasta and noodles and she told me that I should cook for her one day. I obviously declined that offer. B saw those messages and couple days later asked me about what I would do if a female asked me to cook for her. And my stupid self completely forgot about the conversation with the girl as I had decided to keep her out of my life by deleting everything related to her (including that conversation).
So by deleting that conversation, your intention was to remove even the slightest possibility that you would get tempted by this girl. Your intention was to be 100% faithful to B, with no distractions and no temptations. You lied to B about it because you didn’t even want to make it a topic of discussion, since you in your mind and heart were resolute not to engage in it and to nip in the bud. Would you agree with that?
B on the other hand lied to you about being in a situation where cheating with her ex was highly likely, because they both had feelings for each other, and they were living under the same roof. So her lying was to hide the ongoing cheating, or a possibility for cheating – her lying was to hide a potential foul play. Whereas your lying was to not even start the entire topic, because it was a non-issue for you, and you didn’t have the slightest intention to cheat.
Can you see the difference in those two cases of lying? She lied with the intention to hide a potential foul play, while you lied because you wanted to spare her of jealousy and worry, since you knew that there would have been no basis for her jealousy and worry (because you were 100% faithful). And perhaps you lied also to spare yourself of her false accusations.
So those were two totally different categories of lying, with a different intent.
But she made them equal. She equated her foul intention (to possibly cheat) with your pure intention (not to upset her about something that is a non-issue).
There was another situation, where she too unfairly accused you of lying and possibly cheating, just because you confided in your close friend about fighting with her:
She had told me not to tell my only other close friend that we broke up, but in a weak emotional moment, I told him that we were fighting. She found out and she told me that I lied to her and made her look like a fool. She also said that if I am able to hide her from my parents for two years, then I can also hide a âbitchâ from her too (implying that I would cheat).
This is another such outrageous twisting of the truth, where she equated your inability to hide the truth from your friend with deceptive lying (which she was a master of). And then she had the audacity to further escalate it and accuse you of potential cheating as well.
You see? She equated your inability to hide the truth with her lying and twisting of the truth – as if those were the same categories.
Where they are completely opposite. In fact, according to the Bible (and common ethics), the former is not a sin, whereas the latter is a sin.
She was equating your non-sinful lying (which would be equal to saying a white lie) with her sinful, deceptive lying. And then saying “we both lied”, “we are equal”. Whereas this cannot be further from the truth.
April 17, 2024 at 3:26 am #431779TeeParticipant* correction in the first sentence: that her lying and deception about her ex
April 17, 2024 at 5:54 pm #431818
ParadoxMusicParticipantDear Tee,
“I donât think so, since she has already moved onto someone else” Apparently she blocked him? So idk.
“And she is already twisting the truth to the new guy, telling him you broke up a few months ago, which is not true, because you broke up beginning of April, right?” No we broke up mid March, like right before this thread started. So approximately one month has passed.
“I see this letter as her âparting giftâ, in which she repeats once again all of her âgrievancesâ against you, and blames you for her own actions.” She still tortures me even today. I went to her place to collect my things and while I was packing, she accessed my phone and saw a conversation with me to my guy friend where I made a song that was inspired by a girl in my class. Now she thinks I was cheating on her and she believes that B and I actually broke up cause I was interested in another girl instead of her own actions.
She said “You dont have to over complicate things. And dont feel bad because it hasnt even been a month good and you have moved on. That is why you boldly gave me that ultimatum on the night when i went to you to discuss things when you left. Because you knew she was already in the picture. But you just felt guilty.” This is really stupid because I made the song last Friday and she just inspired the main melody for the song. Even though she is so wrong, she hit my ego really really hard and I don’t like it. She has successfully hit me where I am most vulnerable.
It is like the saying “Imagine being bitten by a snake and instead of trying to help yourself heal and recover from the poison, you’re trying to catch the snake to find out the reason it bit you and prove to it that you didn’t deserve that.” I can’t seem to be able to get myself out of that mindset.
“I hope that youâre not entertaining the thought of reconciling again?” No, definitely not. But she is hitting me hard where it hurts the most and idk how to deal with it. The way she describes everything just makes me question my reality and doubt everything I have done and it is driving me further into depression cause everything I did and trying to do seems pointless.
I want to let her go, but the issue is that she has all kinds of excuses to not give me my stuff. She claims that my clothes are some place else being washed and that she still needs my laptop and stuff. It is pissing me off. I just want to block her but she keeps hitting my ego when she keeps making false accusations which then gives me the urge to fight her and prove to her how wrong she is. I don’t like the feeling of being made to look like the abuser while she pretends to be the victim. Besides, I don’t have the heart to forcefully take my stuff from her because at the end of the day she is a human and I don’t want to feel guilty like a landlord who left a family on the streets for not paying the rent cause of their financial struggles.
I don’t want to give her the sense of satisfaction that she was right about me all along (even if she is not right in reality), which causes me to keep trying to prove her wrong.
“And refrain from replying to her letter, because it will be futile, and youâll risk getting entangled in another round of pointless, exhausting arguments (that are aimed at blaming you and portraying you as the bad guy).” Unfortunately I did. I am sorry Tee I feel like an idiot for not knowing better. The thing is I know better but I have a lot of pride and I can’t seem to let go of it. I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of believing that she was right all along. I know that I am behaving like I don’t learn from my mistakes Tee please forgive me.
As for the issue with my high school crush,
“So by deleting that conversation, your intention was to remove even the slightest possibility that you would get tempted by this girl. Your intention was to be 100% faithful to B, with no distractions and no temptations. You lied to B about it because you didnât even want to make it a topic of discussion, since you in your mind and heart were resolute not to engage in it and to nip in the bud. Would you agree with that?”
The issue is that I didn’t lie at all, I just forgot about the conversation cause it happened a week ago or something but it just so happened that I deleted the entire chat history on the same day that B found out about the conversation, which makes it appear as if I deleted it to hide the conversation. And on top of that, I still had her contact on other social media. So B thinks that if I really wanted to cut ties with my high school crush, I would have blocked her on all social media instead of simply deleting the conversation. I didn’t delete her on all social media cause I barely ever talked to her and I forgot that I even had her contact. But B doesn’t believe any of that and it is sickening cause there is nothing I can do to prove the truth to her.
“Can you see the difference in those two cases of lying? She lied with the intention to hide a potential foul play, while you lied because you wanted to spare her of jealousy and worry, since you knew that there would have been no basis for her jealousy and worry (because you were 100% faithful). And perhaps you lied also to spare yourself of her false accusations.” EVEN IF I WAS LYING, THERE IS NO WAY TO PROVE MY INTENTIONS. That is what I hate the most.
I know what she is trying to do, so why is it so easy for me to fall for her manipulation? I am so tired of her. Idk what to do.
Paradoxy
April 18, 2024 at 12:04 am #431823TeeParticipantDear Paradoxy,
I know that I am behaving like I donât learn from my mistakes Tee please forgive me.
I am sorry you are suffering so much, and I am not judging you at all. I know how it is to do things that are self-destructive, or against our best interests, but to keep doing them still, to not be able to stop. It’s like an addiction, it’s stronger than us.
The thing is I know better but I have a lot of pride and I canât seem to let go of it. I donât want to give her the satisfaction of believing that she was right all along.
It is like the saying âImagine being bitten by a snake and instead of trying to help yourself heal and recover from the poison, youâre trying to catch the snake to find out the reason it bit you and prove to it that you didnât deserve that.â I canât seem to be able to get myself out of that mindset.
Okay, so you are aware that she is like a snake, but you still have the urge to prove it to her that you didn’t deserve to be bitten – that you are a good person, right?
Because she is portraying you as a bad person, as an abuser, and you want to prove it to her that she is wrong. So I guess you want to prove it to her that you are a good, loving person. That your intentions are pure, right?
EVEN IF I WAS LYING, THERE IS NO WAY TO PROVE MY INTENTIONS. That is what I hate the most.
Okay, so you want to prove it – to her – that your intentions are pure. I see a theme, the main striving of yours: to prove that you are a good person and that your intentions are pure. Would that be true?
Even though she is so wrong, she hit my ego really really hard and I donât like it. She has successfully hit me where I am most vulnerable.
But she is hitting me hard where it hurts the most and idk how to deal with it. The way she describes everything just makes me question my reality and doubt everything I have done and it is driving me further into depression cause everything I did and trying to do seems pointless.
It seems to me that the place you are most vulnerable is believing (at least a part of you believes it) that you are bad. That you are an abuser. That you cause other people pain. And that’s exactly one of your false core beliefs, which we’ve identified before: “I am the source of pain for others.”
So the dynamic is: one part of you (your inner child) believes he is a source of pain for others. And he is trying to prove that he isn’t. He is trying to prove that he is a good, loving boy, with pure intentions, and that he doesn’t want to hurt anybody.
The problem is that he is trying to prove that to people who lack empathy and understanding. People who are unable to understand. People who refuse to listen. People who are accusing him, instead of seeing how hurtful their behavior is.
And who are these people? B. And your parents.
So that’s what you are dealing with, Paradoxy. A childhood wound that you are trying to heal with the wrong means.
As you said, you have been wounded (by a snake), and instead of tending to the wound, you are trying to catch the snake and prove it to her that you didn’t deserve to be bitten. That you are a good guy, with pure intentions, who doesn’t want to cause her pain.
Does the snake listen, is she trying to understand? No, she bites you once again… and again… finding more and more “proofs” how bad and insincere you are.
And so, by engaging with the snake, your inner child gets wounded more and more. With each interaction, he gets a confirmation of his false belief: that he causes pain to others.
That’s why this is happening:
The way she describes everything just makes me question my reality and doubt everything I have done and it is driving me further into depression cause everything I did and trying to do seems pointless.
Exactly. Because in the interaction with the snake, the wound of your inner child gets deeper. And it causes you to feel even more helpless and depressed.
So what’s the way out? You need to tend to the wound of your inner child, properly. Which means: you need to stop interacting with the snake. Stop wanting any kind of validation from her. Get away from her. There is nothing she can give you except injuring you even more.
Can you see that?
And then you need to start healing your inner child. Which means: start loving yourself. Start having empathy and compassion for yourself – something that neither your parents or B had.
You need to give yourself empathy, rather than seek empathy from people who are unable to give it.
How does this sound?
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