Kay,

Some observations from your post:
You got raped when the first man forced himself on you.
When you had him over your place, it seemed like he had non-consenual sex with you again.
So your first experiences with sex were negative. Not pleasurable and literally forced on you.

First I would get yourself checked to see if you contracted any STIs.
Second, you might want to try just to have regular friendships instead looking for a sexual lover. It sounds like having any sort of relationship is a challenge for you. I would think sex is the last thing you “need” in your life right now.
Make sense?

Questions: Which culture, religion were you raised in? and kind of childhood have you had?
Mark

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Mark.

Dear Kay:

I hope you feel better soon, and that this new year is a new and better  beginning for you.

You wrote: “I just wonder why not I just go out and have random hookups, so the next time I meet someone  special, they do not run away. Why  is sex so important?”

Random hookups are likely to bring you the same experiences you already had: “I did not feel like a human being, I  just wanted all  that to  end.. I was too hurt… I felt  devastated… I felt like there  was something wrong  with me … I felt  so angry with myself… shame and angry”-

Better not have  these feelings again. And better not risk STDs and pregnancy.

From reading your posts I understand that  you want a loving relationship with a man, more of what you felt with the first guy in the  beginning: “I really enjoyed spending time with him like at the beginning”-

Let’s look at what happened in the beginning: “he  made  me  feel cared and  I loved the attention… he was like amazed with  me and he said he was very lucky to  find  me”- he communicated to you that you are special to him, valuable, a person he  is lucky to  be with.

To get more of this beginning, you have to meet men but operate differently from the way you operated with the first man: learn who the  man is before you allow any sexual activity with the man. Make sure he cares about you and believes you are special to him, valuable, not only by the  words he said, and not only because he takes you to dinner and  pays for a date  or  a few  dates.

Meet men in public places, such as restaurants or  coffee shops. Do  not go to their place or take them to your place. In these public places have conversations, ask him questions and expect him to ask  you questions about your hopes and dreams, about what scares you, what angers you. See to  it that  he  is interested in your mind and heart, in what  motivates you and what you value. Be interested in his mind and heart as well, what motivates  him, what does he  value.

For example, the  first guy told you that he was very lucky  to find you. Let’s imagine you are sitting with him in a public place and he tells you: “I am so lucky to find you”. Ask him: “what about me makes  you feel lucky?” His answer will give you important information about what he values and maybe about his sincerity.

You want to know, over time, that a guy doesn’t  say things just so to have sex  with  you later.

You asked  why is sex so important- it is a physical drive animals are  born with, a  biological drive. Nature made  it  pleasurable so to  motivate animals to mate and bring upon the  next  generation. People figured they can experience the pleasure without bringing children into the world so they are motivated by pleasure alone when it comes to sex. Some  people lie so to  have  sex, others pay  for  it, some rape, and others want  it as  part  of a  loving relationship.

Your job is to  find  a man of the fourth category that I mentioned.

I have more to respond to in what you shared, but I don’t want this post to be  too long. I hope you post again and if you do, I will respond further.

anita

Hi Kay,

I am so sorry that happened to you!

I would forget about online dating apps. Too many strange strangers. What I would do is be very open with your family, friends and church that you are open to meeting someone. A friend of someone you both know is WAY less likely to treat you badly. Could you imagine the first guy taking advantage of you or the second guy blowing you off if they were, say,  your aunt’s neighbor? The same rules still apply, though! Meet in a public place or at a family and friend get together.

Wishing you All the Best, Kay,

Inky

Dear Kay:

Let’s look what happened with the second guy, CX. You did operate way better with him, there was a lot  of texting before meeting him in person, lots of conversations and the couple of dates took place in public places.  He said the right things “it was ok, that I was a good woman and that sex was just a part of a relationship but not the whole thing. He also said that he really would like to have a serious relationship with me”. Reads like a decent guy so far.

“and then he just disappeared and stopped replying to  me at all”, and your assumption is that he disappeared because he found out that you are sexually inexperienced. Then, based on this assumption, you came up with a solution, to hookup with guys and become sexually experienced.

But what if your assumption is incorrect: maybe he even liked the fact that you are sexually inexperienced but he didn’t like something else about you? And based  on the wrong assumption you will be fixing a problem that was not at all a problem with him…

When a person, CX for one, is on an  online dating site, it is not likely that you  were the only woman he communicated with or went on a date  with. There were others and so, you had competition. In that competition, you were dropped. Maybe he was attracted to a different woman because she has  a better paying job than you do, or she lives closer or.. some reason, I don’t know the reason and I think you don’t either.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Kay:

You are new to online dating. From personal experience, it can be an effective way to locate a man for a long term love relationship if you operate it wisely. One thing to remember is that everyone gets rejected. The man who rejected you (by disappearing) was rejected himself and will be rejected again. You were rejected already and you will be rejected again.

Everyone gets rejected. The key is to figure out what kind of a man you are interested in, for what kind of a relationship, then put together the most accurate, clear profile possible, and select individuals for possible meeting in person, in a public place for face to face conversation. These conversations can be thought of, if you will, as casual interviews, where the purpose is to learn about each other’s values, goals, motivations and so on.

It is not about jumping into just anything with anyone. It is about a process of selection and evaluation so to get into a sensible, honest relationship with eyes open.

I will be back to the computer in about sixteen hours. Post again if you’d like and I will reply further when I return.

anita