MtnsAreCalling,

I am sorry you have lost your family.  Congrats on turning yourself around.

Stephen Convey talks about this concept of an Emotional Bank Account. When your trust level is high, because you’ve made lots of deposits, communication is almost effortless. You can be yourself, and others understand and appreciate you. Then, when you make mistakes or offend someone unexpectedly, you draw on that reserve and the relationship still
maintains a solid level of trust.Conversely, when you are discourteous, disrespect others, interrupt others, speak sarcastically or ignore others, your emotional bank account becomes overdrawn because you have jeopardized the trust level.

Your account is overdrawn and your wife has closed the account.  Perhaps she will be open to communicate and let you in at a later time but for now honor her wishes.

You did not mention about apologizing to her and to each of your children (separately).  That would be a good start.

I would also look into what kind of amends you can do for her, for each child.

And continue to work on yourself for that is a lifelong process.  We are never done.

Mark

Dear MtnsAreCalling:

You’ve been married 15 years, separated for several months, a divorce pending. You have two teenagers who live with their mother, the older child “has anxiety issues and is on meds to deal with that” and his anxiety got worse since you moved out.  You wrote that one of your teenagers “is ADHD and has an electronic addiction”.

Is it the same child: the one having anxiety issues and on meds and the one diagnosed with ADHD ?

The younger teenager engages in “yelling matches” with his mother, before you moved out and more so after you moved out.

In your marriage, there was “never any physical violence, use of drugs, alcohol abuse, or marriage infidelity”, you and your wife still have the same goals for your kids and are aligned politically and socially. The two of you were “like Penguins or Swans who mate for life.. people who  prefer to help others, love the outdoors, live our lives for our children, pragmatic, and don’t expect others to do things for us”.

The Problem in the marriage was that you yelled and screamed, had trouble containing your anger. If I understand correctly, she too yelled and screamed during the marriage and she still does now, engaging in yelling matches with your younger child: “I have made the pledge to no longer yell, scream or act without forethought. I hope someday that she would make the same pledge… the younger one has gotten into more yelling matches with her than when I was there”.

No doubt the yelling and screaming and any other uncontained anger expression had damaged your two children, one who takes medications for anxiety. Uncontained anger damages children in any household, no matter the socio-economic, political and religious status and affiliations.

You want to save and resume the marriage, having been counseled effectively for your anger management problem, but your wife is not interested and still has her own anger management problem as I understand it. Your children suffered when the two of you were married and still they suffer because your wife still screams and yells, and because they want you back living with them, at least your younger child does.

Am I understanding your situation correctly?

I suppose it will benefit your children if you do live with them again, if you no longer scream, yell and express your anger uncontrollably in any other way and if she controls and contains her anger as well.

Can you elaborate on her resistance to resuming her marriage, putting aside how you believe other people are influencing her, what is fueling her resistance and resolution to proceed toward a divorce?

anita