Home→Forums→Relationships→Separating, living together – wife has new relationship
- This topic has 13 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 7 months ago by
Peggy.
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September 3, 2019 at 8:17 am #310129
Peggy
ParticipantHi Robert,
I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have been having such an awful time with your wife. Let me reassure you that this is not your fault. The problems that your wife has were not caused by you. They go much deeper than that. Perhaps something was triggered when you had your second child such as post natal depression. She probably needed to continue with therapy – blaming you is her way of absolving herself from all responsibility. The way you describe your feelings towards the domestic violence you have suffered is fairly typical, I think. Men probably receive less sympathy than a woman might and feels ashamed to admit what has happened. You were and are the victim of her abuse. Perhaps you would find it useful to talk to a counselor about this. She seems to have almost ‘convinced’ you that it’s your fault.
It’s good that you are consulting a lawyer to find out where you stand legally and how your finances can be dealt with. You need to deal with this one day at a time and also consider whether your children are safe in your wife’s care. Is it not possible for you to stay with your family until you can establish your own living arrangements?
I hope you can find a way to come to terms with what has happened.
Peggy
September 3, 2019 at 9:10 am #310141robert
ParticipantHi Peggy, thanks for your kind words. It is very hard and each day at the moment is like a battle. I am not able to live with my family as they are in a different country, I don’t have much of a support system here in Germany, unfortunately. That’s one of the reasons I decided to write down my thoughts here.
Financially I’m tied to my house and the home where we both live. Ideally we would sell it in one or two years when our potential profits would set us both up for a new beginning individually. That’s the problem, I have to live with her and her inactivity, while she lives off me and builds a new relationship. It hurts like hell to come home from working full time and find her drinking and happy on the phone with her new boyfriend.
September 3, 2019 at 9:43 am #310147Mark
Participantrobert,
This living situation is highly unhealthy not only for you but especially the children. You are setting an example of your willingness to be abused, put up with infidelity and financially enable her to do all this. You are playing the victim. If you have a son then he will see you as the model of what it is to be a man. If you have a daughter, she will see your wife as the model of how to treat a man.
I believe a lot of parents think they are doing the right thing by keeping the family together, not changing their situation. Rarely they look at the long term impact on children. There is a trade off between stability and handling an unhealthy situation by experiencing some pain and disruption.
Mark
September 3, 2019 at 10:23 am #310153Anonymous
GuestDear robert:
You wrote: “I have been accused of being a narcissist person- specifically- covert narcissism. She believes I also have traits of psychopathy”. The mother of your children, not a psychiatrist, has diagnosed you with Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well as Asocial Personality Disorder (the DSM-4 had those terms, I don’t think they were altered in the current DSM-5).
I am not a psychiatrist, but her behavior fits so well with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I know the behavior from a very personal experience.
The reason I mention it is not so that you will counter her accusations with one of your own but so that you will present this disorder possibility to the attorney you will be seeing and consider it as you proceed.
Her behavior fits it very well. You can read about it n the DSM book (the psychiatrist “bible”), and in literature by competent psychiatrists and psychotherapists. There are ways better suited to deal with women with this disorder.
First on your agenda should be to protect your children and yourself from her violence, physical and verbal. (In a way, her current affair with the other man, if it distracts her from displaying violence against the children and you, it is.. not the worst thing for you and for the children, in this specific circumstance that you are in).
Best by far that you remove your children and yourself from her. Perhaps the attorney can help you with this and maybe it is possible to require her to attend evaluation by a doctor and get a confirmation of her Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This diagnosis may, maybe… help you in getting sole custody of your children and as soon as possible!
anita
September 4, 2019 at 3:11 am #310227robert
ParticipantHi Mark, thanks for your thoughts. You have a good point about the impact on the kids and playing the victim. I sometimes reflect on that and worry that I’ve exasserbated the situation by folding to what I thought was the right thing to do. This may be projecting the wrong type of model for my kids.
I feel like I should take responsibility for a lot of the issue we had and I want to move on. The problem is I’m financially tied at the moment and moving out is not an option until there is a change in that situation.
For that, I am reliant on my wife to work. The alternative is to just do it and deal with the financial problems afterwards, but I’m undecided if that really would be best for my children.
September 4, 2019 at 3:49 am #310229robert
ParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for your guidance, you may be right about my wife’s mental state, perhaps she will pursue more therapy once she is stabilises herself in her new relationship, especially if the root of her behaviour doesn’t change. I see her being extremely kind and caring to this new man, perhaps all she needs is a person which fits her better.
Regarding the kids, I belive my wife has been a good mother to them and has brought them up well. I do not want to take sole custody and remove them from her. I would want to work towards joint custody.
September 4, 2019 at 7:32 am #310243robert
ParticipantAlso worth noting that any abuse, physical or verbal, was directed only ever at me, never at anyone else.
September 4, 2019 at 9:06 am #310259Anonymous
GuestDear robert:
You are welcome. You wrote: “Regarding the kids, I believe my wife has been a good mother to them and brought them up well. I do not want to take sole custody and remove them from her… any abuse, physical or verbal, was directed only ever at me, never at anyone else”-
– this means that three years ago, when “her abuse became so frequent and violent” your two children, the younger one being six at the time, were not present in the home and did not hear or see the abuse. It means that when “the physical abuse and shouting started again”- the two children did not hear any of the shouting. It means that her “spiral into depression” did not include her neglecting the children and that they never heard her when she “threatened suicide, threatened abandonment and self harm”.
“Following one evening of arguments and shouting, she smashed a glass bottle and threatened to cut herself”- again, your two children did not hear or see the shouting, the smashing of glass and her threats.
“so I called an ambulance”- the children didn’t hear the ambulance siren approaching, didn’t see their mother taken away.
“despite her being (and continuing to be) physically abusive.. spitting in the face, to slapping, punching, to pushing e over”- none of that was heard or witnessed any of these things.
– it is impossible. She is not a good mother. Even if all the abuse against you occurred strictly when they were in school, the harm and hurt must have been tangible to the kids when they were home. No way they didn’t notice the effects of the abuse or their mother’s depression.. or yours, the tension in the home.
A woman who practices such poor self control is unlikely to practice excellent self control when the kids are home.
I understand that you are focused on finances, wanting her to work, that you are upset that she is having an affair while not working, while you are supporting her and I understand that the idea of you as a divorced man, having sole custody is overwhelming.
It is convenient for a distressed and overwhelmed father to think that his abusive wife is a good mother. But it cannot be true. No way she is a good mother.
In your struggles, see the reality of the situation as it is. It is necessary to do so for the purpose of proceeding wisely, and doing what is most effective.
What do you think?
anita
September 4, 2019 at 9:58 am #310265Mark
Participantrobert,
You don’t think that your wife’s violent behavior is not sensed or known by your children? They don’t have to be on the direct receiving end in order to be traumatized.
You use your finances as an excuse to keep your wife and her lover in the same home as your family. You assume that it is you and your children have to move out. Why can’t you kick your wife out? I find it interesting you did not entertain that option, again that seems like victim mentality.
I know it is easy for me to say but you are reaching out to this community for advice, observations, suggestions, and sharing of our own experiences in order to best counsel you.
Mark
September 4, 2019 at 12:02 pm #310273Peggy
ParticipantHi Robert,
I picked up from your post to me that you are really hurt to see your wife ‘drinking and happy’ when you return home. She is drinking for a reason (unless it’s just the occasional social drink) and this frequently denotes anger issues. She sounds anything but happy. I think you are assuming that this new man will not be subject to her abuse should he move in with her. Patterns tend to repeat themselves and, unless she gets treatment and deals with her underlying issues, he could well become another “you”.
As far as expecting your wife to work, I think you are in a Catch 22 situation. She won’t go out to work whilst you pay for everything (including her drink) and mentally you think you can survive like this for two years. Work out a budget that just covers basic necessities (no drink) and see what is left for you to ‘bank’. You will know better where you stand after you’ve seen your lawyer but it might be better to rent somewhere and just pay the minimum that the law says you have to for your children.
I basically agree with everyone else who says that this is not a healthy situation for any of you to be in and the sooner you can remove yourself from it, the better it will be for everyone. Perhaps you can ask your lawyer where you stand with regard to the children whose safety must be paramount.
Peggy
September 5, 2019 at 6:07 am #310385robert
ParticipantI’ll respond here to all of you, as your themes are the same. I appreciate your points and have thought about them for some time. You are correct about the impact on the children, this is clear. I just wanted to clarify that in all other relationships that she has in regards to all other people, my wife has been kind, friendly, and is trusted.
I reached out for help in order to weigh up what others felt, and I would have also replied in a similar way if it was someone else’s situation.
In relation to getting out and going for full custody, or kicking my wife out of the house, I will talk to my lawyer about this, but it is also handled by a different office, the Jugendamt.
All your points are valid, but I’m more looking for advice on how to deal with the depression of the whole situation, if you have any?
September 5, 2019 at 8:16 am #310403Anonymous
GuestDear robert:
“I’m more looking for advice on how to deal with the depression of the whole situation, if you have any?”-
– a big part of depression is feeling powerless to change the difficult circumstances of our lives. Seeing no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope, feeling stuck in a bad place, a bad situation.
This is why a plan of action is most important- planning and following practical steps to correct a difficult situation, or in your case- to exit it.
Every day, as you follow that practical plan of action, as you exert therefore some power over your life, or at least, you are working toward exerting power over your life, at the end of the day say to yourself: today, I did all that I can do.
The Serenity Prayer states: “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference”.
When you witness any particular distressing situation in your home, ask yourself: is this something I can change or something I should try to change right now? If it is, do so. If it isn’t- accept it, let it be, there is nothing for you to do. Take a few slow, deep breath, say to yourself: this too shall pass and attend to your children.
(Perhaps your plan of action should include collecting evidence of her behavior at home- ask your lawyer regarding collecting evidence/ documenting her abusive behavior, times, dates and so forth).
anita
September 5, 2019 at 8:39 am #310413Peggy
ParticipantHello Robert,
Express your thoughts and feelings through the use of a journal – writing things down is therapeutic. If you have your own room, play your favorite music and, if there’s room, dance around. Movement and exercise ward off depression. Look for groups and classes in your area in a subject you enjoy and take part in them. Take the children out for walks at the weekend where you can spend some quality time with them. Sketch, paint, make lunch, look for wild flowers, birds and insects. Contact a friend or make a new one and meet up once a week. Make a box of treasures full of cards, drawings, photos and so on from your loved ones. Look for inspirational quotes to include. Write down jokes that you find funny and so on.
I have a card that a friend once sent me with the A-Z of Life’s Journey. Here’s an example: Quit Worrying, Have Faith, Yield to Fun and Venture into the Unknown.
Act as if you are having fun and one day you might actually find yourself enjoying your life again. I heard once that laughter was as good for you as jogging. Now I just sit on a park bench laughing at all the joggers going by.
Peggy
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