Dear Anita,

I’ll write more here due to the time difference. But please read my first post and reply to that before you read the following (If that’s ok)

So of course I do this. I don’t feel too terrible. I feel kinda silly and Petty but also at the same time – not sure. Probably best to do and say nothing like I already had. But perhaps the whirlwind of fourth of July around horrible people reminded me once again – screw these people who continue to take and take and take and take ROARRR.

So of course it backfired major. She didn’t reply to my email but quickly must have reached out to her ex BF (my husband’s friend but he’s quite flakey). He hasn’t texted my husband in months and so (I know this now not yesterday) he calls my husband yday around 8 pm out of nowhere. Missed call. Then a huge paragraph text along the lines of – oh I saw her email to D. You know we had a plan to take the two of you out to dinner as a present I hope you know that. Her email was kinda out of nowhere we were confused. Etc.

Pretty much saying – why the hell would Cali chica send that.

My husband doesn’t tell me any of this last night since we finally were able to relax after all the people left and get back to good conversation about self focus. I had not told him I had sent that email to D (thinking it was between her and I, no idea she would go tattle to her EX)

Anyway so of course ONCE AGAIN. I cause harm. Now my husband is stressed from getting this sort of message and he feels embarrassed. Why would I send such a petty email literally asking for money he says. It’s one thing to ask but another to actually send a request.

I agree. I say I didn’t think asking would do anything to a huge flake. He says – well we already know this about them. So let it be. Let it go. What did sending that do to you. Did it accomplish anything? Did it make you feel better? We already went through all this drama with those people coming over and that was my mistake – but this! Why do this?

He’s right. Anita I had a huge setback and I feel like wow – what is wrong with me!!!! I don’t war sympathy from you though. I am sharing like I always do. Just the truth as always

Dear Anita,

thank you. Did you read my previous 2 posts regarding anger and the email I wrote? I think you did. Here’s more.

Dear Anita,

In an effort to find some clarity and not feel so frenzied, I re read all of our posts on this new thread. In this new thread in which I have done “groundbreaking work.”

I re-read about the squirrel. I am now down on the ground again. Frenzied picking up acorns. Throwing them, picking them up again, throwing them. Not even tasting them – creating a mess. Frenzied search for something for acorns and then finding them and running off in another direction. Exhausted but wound up at the same time. Silly frenzied squirrel.

So I think about that view from above. I have experienced it. Just a glimpse recently. I am trying to channel it.

This is what comes to mind if I try to do so:

So what you sent a Hasty email, perhaps out of character and embarrassing. But so what. It’s not people in your inner circle that you respect anymore – that’s just it. You are so so so angry at yourself for not being center stage of your own life and putting people like this (D and her ex) in YOUR center stage.  You and your husband both but especially you. This email was a way to say HEY! You don’t get to get away with that! You must be punished for taking energy and some priority in my.life and rushing away without appreciation or respect.

But that’s not how the world.works. It’s us fools who give too much credit to those types that are only to blame.

Sending a silly foolish petty humiliating email is useless. It’s a childish “acting out.” I feel like I am at square one again.  I am trying

i see all my friends faces on balloons  old friends and new  good and bad  I see myself throwing darts at them  pop pop pop pop

Dear Anita,

yes. My visual of the balloons – darts going pop pop pop. Sounds like cleaning up that stupid social life doesn’t it?

will you elaborate more? What you think…

Dear Anita ,

The email is stupid the whole thing is stupid. My squirrel frenzy today was more that I was judging and angry at myself for reacting this way and having anger.

You in your first post told me this – don’t put myself down for this anger – let it out. You gave me permission and you didn’t judge me for the email (or whatever the email symbolized)  so you helped me not judge myself.

Yes I see this from above again. I was able to climb up as the squirrel did a week ago. I see that I fell down and went after all the rotten acorns. Then I got angry for even noticing the stupid acorns. Now I see that in order to release anger about acorns or the whole aspect of (over focusing on friendship and acorns) anger must be released. In any way. Embrace it.

Thanks for bringing me back to clarity. Thanks for reminding me to give myself permission.

Thats all I can say

Dear Anita,

I noticed a benefit of seeing squirrel life from below and above. That once you get a glimpse from above – you know you are capable of climbing there – and so hopefully (like this time) you can more quickly jump back up there.

Versus an unknown ambiguous goal of reaching above.

I thought about how the frenzied bobble head bird and the squirrel both spin the wheels but get nowhere. I also thought about how beyond the mother voice – on some days there’s distress and anger, some of which may be just one layer of repressed emotion. Just one – peeling away.

It can be ugly and strange the way it’s released. But who said the path isn’t windy?

I am working on today, thinking about differentiating truths and lies. I do believe this will further my work of releasing anger at My mother that is often redirected everywhere else.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.