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Zeeza

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  • #424772
    Zeeza
    Participant

    I still feel likes it’s my fault. Like if I had the chance to speak instead of answering her rapid questions I could of had the original thought to say I’ll ask my partner to move it.

    #424771
    Zeeza
    Participant

    I will write more response soon it is just hard to think straight and need to cam down and find a good water plan if I can’t go into kitchen.

    #424770
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    today number 3 happened. we are ceasing communication with her. Today was a weird day and yes I agree she is has narcissist tendency because she is always right. Today we fixed more of the leak source on the house. And we have killed al the mold it doesn’t smell anymore and we tested so dry wall. His mom and I got into a weird situation. I was helping the worker by holding his ladder by standing on it. The worker switched to a taller ladder so he wouldn’t be standing on the top anymore. I come back in and she asks tells me her dog escaped from under the gate. We had a previous discussion of her asking me why her dog is running and I said I don’t know. And then she asked me if I could move the block and I said I can’t I injured my back. And then she asked me where my partner was and I explained with my hands the area outside he was in and she asked if it was deck and I said no outside and then she angrily gets up and says I’ll do it myself, and then I run with her saying no no no and then we both come outside and I just shout please partner move the cement block before your mom does. Later I calm down. And I couldn’t figure out what exactly happened why was I so worked up. And why did I rush to make sure she wasn’t going to move the block if she wanted to, it was like a guilt thing. And so I come back to make lunch for B and the worker and myself. There is nothing to make sandwiches but I prepared an idea for pasta. I offer pasta to his mom and she ignores me and says you aren’t respectful. And then B says why are you being mean to her? And he said tell me what happened. And then she said no have Britt. So then I rexplain the story and she said yes Britt said her back hurt so she couldn’t move it, angrily. And that was when my partner snapped saying he isn’t taking to her anymore and to not be mean to me and I said please don’t be mean start shaking. And now I am a few hours of calming down from that. But I didn’t end up making lunch I did order a few cheap burgers. So we are going to set up an outdoor sink and basically try to create a sink for the travel kitchen we have like we are camping? I don’t know. I applied for art residency grant program. I applied for a work trade housing. All before my partner said he isn’t speaking to his mom. It was his dads birthday yesterday.

    #424728
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am at the point where if I can’t gain weight while living here I will leave. I am looking at and keeping tabs on work to live rentals on farms a few hours away. I ordered groceries, and my plan was to be able to make food without being emotionally exposed to her by making food in the kitchen. Mt ptsd has a history with the kitchen and my mom. I explain why I feel uncomfortable and what my plan was to my partner and he got mad telling me to get over it or leave. Mad about what I was saying about not feeling emotionally safe around his mom. And then he came around to say yes she does that to me too but we need to normalize it. And I am like I am sorry I can’t normalize her. She literally told me an awful story last night about how hard she punched my partner when he was 18 arguing over dishes. OF course my face was appalled and she laughed like what are you feeling bad about? He didn’t hit me back he just said oh nice massage mom hit my other shoulder. My partner has normalized her weird behavior for too long. So I told him I can’t normalize being exposed to hearing those awful stories and then be expected to walk into the kitchen like normal. And then he said that I get defensive like his mom. And I said yes I get defensive sometimes but it is when some things are said in a certain tone. like you literally just told me to leave or get over it and I didn’t become defensive I just got sad. But maybe now he can see why I want our own food making space to stay and not combine to only eat what she buys and go through her to ask for everything? But he is saying costco and planning it together helps us save money. It is one thing to have her to deal with, but I just need someone to listen respect when I say what I need to help myself gain weight. Simple snacks are on the way that I can keep without being in the kitchen. If I have to I might consider taking out more financial aid to relocate, finish my masters and then keep healthy habits. I feel like my independence slowly got stripped into this weird codependence.

    #423828
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    That does help bring some clarity. I wonder why she makes up random rules and I ask what other rules should I know about? Such as only males can take out trash. I was happily taking it out and she got mad and told me we do enough around her let them take it out. And when I asked what other rules I should know about? Because this was so random to me and she replied she wasn’t sure but she will let me know. I think my partner is afraid to leave his dad alone with her. I don’t know we did find a cool grant program for developing ADUs on our property so we are going to apply today. Hopefully set up a sink in our little Crystal house or something for cooking and drywall. We haven’t put drywall in the crystal house yet.

    what gives me hope is in these little moments she listens to me like with her training the dog. Sometimes I wear yellow and then she will wear yellow. It is like she is learning with me as much as I am learning with her. She really knows a lot of ways to make food healthier. I can see that power in this culture. My partner asked me a few months ago why is his mom so demanding directing everything and I inferred that she is clinging to the mom role in the house because it makes her feel meaningful and she has perfected so many things through the years. Almost like OCD but I can see why she does it. The floors is another cultural thing where not having dirt floors or the cleanest floors possible is strong sign of heathy home.

    #423824
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    yes sometimes I am at the impulsive point of just leaving and I think I really I am just going to go on a 10 hour to drive to a friends house where sir Harry is. It’s a route in my head I go to when my partner and I aren’t getting along. Because I’d rather take space then fight more. But 99% of the one fights end within a day.

    He wants his parents permission because it is much easier to collaborate on a big construction project if we all agree. His mom still has water in her floors and is now coming around to the idea. Basically we were able to take the floors up because it was his birthday. And that’s al he wanted. Another layer of asking permission is the floors put in were new wood floors from his parents. They see getting s house as getting married so they treated the move like they are teaching us how to care for a house.

    but right before we moved in, there was a family blow out on holidays. And this was when his mom told me she didn’t want to live with him and asked me if I needed help to leave. This was when I still had an apartment so I explained that.  The blowout is still hard to understand. Both of his parents also have random shots of alcotwhen things get stressful in middle of the day. His mom was being hard on him. I remember him coming back feeling sad he couldn’t buy his mom a brand new car and his cousin shows up in a brand new Tesla. We all celebrate and eat. Then partner and cousin get into a fight about surveillance and privacy. How tesla records everything. And his cousin says game over, we are al being tracked. And that’s when my partner snapped like no we have a choice and need to fight back. it escalated though he throws a crumbled can at the car which landed on the rear view mirror corner and stayed their perfectly. I felt like he was having another episode and was able to get him to not take a fork to the car. And this was when his parents the cousin and sister all come through to tell him how bad he is and he says nothing and takes if calmly. I was just saying to express his points with words not confusing ways like a scare. It was bad big fight so we went to Seattle and my dad visited anted thed helped mg partner learn how to deal with his anger.

    Then we come back to the new house. No one is moved in. We knew xyz was leaking. His parents decided then to move in  it they had to get rid of all carpet before moving in with wood. So before we fixed anything else we did that. Just today we finally found the source of official leak after taking siding off and we had someone seal it up.

    the second incident was when his parents moved in with stuff. The workers were holding their stuff hostage in the middle of the move because there was confusion on price and when they get paid. They raised the price and asked for money while everything is packed in truck and threatens to not give them their stuff. My partner lost it on them, they moved the stuff but they moved furniture in whey way that scratched the floors. They forced his parents to finish the move until 3am. They stayed up telling them we’re to go. I kept checking on them his mom bruised her head it was bad. After my partner snapped at the movers for what he considered elder abuse his mom comes and says to him in front of my dad and me that he is not her son and she will disown him if says anything for the rest of the night. And my partner controlled his emotions to calmly nod.

    hiscparents think it’s the alcohol that makes him manic snap but it is stress. He hasn’t snapped in a weird way like that in awhile, he did pause on drink for s month straight. I think. I found a good therapist for him for someone he can trust. But I think his anger comes from being sole t on anger for so long he snaps. I told him this when he snaps at me to tell me what bothers him then isntead of letting it build up and explode.

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I think he is understanding if they want to move out just sad because he doesn’t want his dad to have to move again in his age and enjoy his golden years. His parents needed to move previously due financial reasons</p>

    we did go out last night and had fun at party where we first started dating. It was nostalgic and I see that the more time we spend away from them the more kind and more of himself he becomes.

    his mom use to hit her dog with her shoe off. I was obviously disturbed by this and explained how he doesn’t understand when you do that what you mean by it. If you want him to stop peeing on your plants spray no go and tell him where to go. This week months later she told me yes I don’t think her dog  gets it because he is still peeing

    #423810
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    I want to set up my van so my partner and I can go adventure together to get breaks daily or on full weekends. I need to replace my rotors I already did the brake pads. I injured my lower back removing the hardwood floors. So I found a lucky chair. This chair was destroyed and I haven’t found a replica since. But I found one today used and will pick it up. It’s a trampoline bungee chair that helps my back. Yes if is like hell because of the mold. And they’re denial of it. It is preventing us from actually fixing it. Because they don’t see why we need to replace a wall. It still smells so bad. The other side of this classroom is that they are in elderly range. I try to do tasks that will be hard on them like always unloading the dishwasher because our plates are heavy. I fear that they will get sick in this house and that they are bigger problems at play than just not getting along or being nice. I wonder if the mold is making them depressed even though they don’t think it is there but anyways. I have no idea how to take care of this classroom and my partner is stepping up to try to mitigate damage. We might silicon the walls where the baseboards are gone so the mold smells stops coming out. We already do plastic sealed the doors.

    Once I start my job and my back is better I think I can safely plan van trips that last longer than a couple days.

    #423801
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    that makes sense and I will write more soon after processing. Sometimes I imagine they have a mean ghost on their shoulders and that’s why there is dysfunction and if kind of lets me not get so upset. I was having strong urges to leave and had my van ready to go but decided not to because I was sick and not in the best sorts to drive safely with full reaction. That was in early September and I haven’t reorganized the van in awhile. This will be my goal tomorrow especially since I finally finished a big project.

    #423777
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I did make it to a doctors appointment and I got connected to there mental health services to meet with a psychiatrist. I could do therapy? But I thought I was graduated in a way because even in this stressful moments I am still functioning.
    I am underweight again. I didn’t know until appointment. I think with being sick and the kitchen stress in the family household has caused it. I have lost 15lb. My partner told me I sit too much because of school and that I need to work out. I felt angry because I just lifted so many heavy things by myself yesterday and I am sore. And someone telling you to exercise when you are underweight doesn’t make sense. But I’m less angry now and realize that yes if I eat more than I have the energy to exercise more. I d been in the kitchen twice today. Both times his mom had to tell me about to major errors. Someone didn’t wrap the chord and I can’t use the sink while she is cooking. But when I was washing my coffee dish real quick and said I am sorry I am almost done, she said oh ok yes you aren’t in the way. And then offered me a hard boiled eggs that are in fridge for later. She made a point to say if isn’t who that does if wrong that is the problem o just want to be listened to about it and I nod in agreement. So I think it is workable and really hard for my brain to not black and white think of moments. Trying to create more peace by not taking it personal.

    #423736
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you and I agree as well, that we should not be living in the same house. My partner though, and part of their culture, is for the oldest to take care of the parents. He has hope or a dream that it will all work out and win his parent’s approval.

    I had a stressful morning. I told his mom I had a doctor’s appointment so she asked me quickly pick up two things at a grocery store. This morning the list got longer. So I decided I don’t have time to look for these odds and ends, and placed a delivery order. I went to my doctor’s appt. Living in a new state now so I had to switch doctor. My psychiatric prescription needs to be renewed in two weeks. I hunt for parking. No luck. Finally I find a parking garage with  8ft 2in clearance which my van can handle. I go in and check the entrance bar to double check that I am good. I am fine on the first floor. The 2nd floor I get stuck. It was stressful, so much traffic. Got security to help direct traffic as I tried to figure out how to get my solar panel off my roof. Thankfully it was not damaged. A doctor is asking me to move so he can leave. I explain why I can’t just leave. Within 15 min of telling my partner he shows up with a tool box, and loosens it all. We carefully back up out of garage with security guard direction traffic. Took overall 45 minutes. Then we found a gas station near by to fully re-attach the panels.

    Then Casper’s old vet called me to remind me about his yearly shots and I was so sad. Just so much stress harmones and missing Casper at that moment so much. Anyways I made tea, gave his mom the groceries she asked for, and she complains to me about 5 different things and I am still not calm and say please I can’t talk right now I am not calm I need to make tea. She was saying things like our house is a cauldron drainer. and asking me how I knew these issues existed before, and then asking me to move my partner’s shoes. Anyways. I am in the crystal house safe. It is like we are living with our own place this way. It is the control of meals and kitchen stuff that is hard to cope with. When my Dad visited he ate a lot, so I made sure I had his foods. In the two fridges and freezer of space, she told me to not buy groceries there is no space, and that she is the cook of the house. But she doesn’t believe in breakfast or lunch? It is just so odd. I have sandwich meat and make simple stuff during the day. But then she buys what she thinks we want for sandwiches, which is kind, but then we don’t snyc up in groceries at all. We have a separate fridge in the Van that runs off of solar so we are good in keeping our food there. But it turns into half the fixings are up in the house and half are across that way lol. I think need to eat something and I still need a doctor’s appt but it is booked out for a month. Hoping my doctor will call me like the nurse line said to resolve the prescription issue.

    Part of what helps me calm down is writing to you here on Tiny Buddha. Because I know I can share how I feel without worrying about it being taken the wrong way. Of course my partner and I talk about this, but it stresses us out to talk about it because there is no immediate solution. I feel attached to the crystal house my dad built, I don’t know if we can sell the main house while keeping the side lot with the our 10 by 12 shed Crystal house on it maybe? It is hard to walk away from something when you put so much into it and watched it be built. But stuff is just stuff. I have my van so I can always have my own place. I think that is why I was so psychologically distressed when my van got stuck in the garage. It was like my emergency get away safe place was broken and my ptsd panic kicked in. A  big part of safety I feel in my life is with that van.

    All is well though, we both start new jobs at what looks like healthy work environments soon. We had a kind religious professor look at the architecture of the house to make an easier plan to fix and he connected us with people who were affordable to do the job.

    #423700
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes he is grateful I am so kind. He started to get a bit flustered and short and terse and I said please calm yourself and take your time because if you don’t soothe yourself that is when you start snapping at people like you did with me over the bed. And he instantly understood what I meant, calmed down and played music to try to make the rest of our work somewhat bearable. The smells are still stuck in the rooms. We are air filtering bleaching, and using dehumidifier. His mom’s room is right next to ours, and it is moldy too but she does not know how to live upstairs and move out of her room temp. Which is understandable but this house is almost 4000sqft and we lost the bottom floor. We are having a hard time getting her to understand or accept there is mold. I was able to be very patient and kind up until the point she did not believe me that there was mold, even through it reaks so bad, that i had to show her it on the old floor boards, and she is like thats not mold. And then we had to bring out and even grosser board. that had super black mold on it for her to accept that. Thankfully not all of the mold was at the super black point some of it was grey. I lost my patience because I am tired of both of his parents not believing in what we say. It is to the point where she complains about dinner, so I make dinner, but she doesn’t trust that I will make it right and starts helping and complains. But really I have made this before, and they enjoyed it? it is this weird control thing. I walk into the kitchen, she follows and comes in. and instantly takes a vacuum to where I stand. Before she was just outside sitting. And I can understand wanting to vacuum but with a house so big why start exactly where i stand while finally getting a chance to wash my dishes with the hopes of peace instead of comments.

    The biggest escalation was when it rained yesterday. A contractor came over to give a statement about the house. our house siding is leaking. It is the whole house that is leaking basically. Which makes it a big job of over 100,000 grand. When my partner told his parents this they snapped at him. At first they asked what are the other quotes? and he said he did not have any from the previous contractors because before they could not see anything because we did not remove boards. Anyways they told him that he is not a normal person and then he said ok let’s pause before this turns into a fight, and his dad yells at him you will never amount to anything! It was heartbreaking. It isn’t the first time his parents go to an extreme of saying they will disown him. And a lot of this house problems, could of been solved because my Dad was here ready to fix it, said we needed more rain protection, and my partner also said please let’s remove a board so we can see, and his parents wouldn’t let him. My partner owns the house.

     

    After all of this emotional stress, I did not want to eat dinner with them. We normally have 2 nights out of the week where we don’t have to sit with them for 2 hours. And she always forgets on the weekends we want time to ourself. And if we till her at 1pm that day we won’t be going to dinner it is already too late. So after saying we are spending some time together on a Sunday, His mom then later told him, let’s fix the house, sell it and split. I don’t think they mean this sentiment but it put us in a weird emotional space of feeling like a losing battle.

    So I get flustered, I don’t know how to set boundaries. When we say no it is a guilt trip. She always wants a break and when I do help, she takes over and makes me feel bad about it. I am trying to remind myself that I am the only one that can make myself feel bad by believing what she says.

    Anyways after a solid 24 hours of no interactions and time to heal, we had dinner. And they acted like nothing happened. We are taking about movies and silly things like I love Lucy. It is so confusing, to go from extreme fights to like nothing has happened. Sometimes she really gets under my skin. Like someone is always watching me to tell me what I need to stop doing or do instead. It triggers my anxiety. I become very anxious that someone is going to point to me and say you aren’t enough. So I avoid them, and try to reduce interactions. I don’t want to invite opportunities to be stressed first thing in the morning, during the day, and at night. So I try to limit interactions until later. Before I tried to always say good morning and stay connected before.  It is like both of his parents think we can’t do anything right. But energy flows where attention goes so I am focusing on school and finding a job.

    There is another layer to this where I become defensive easily. When people are making good suggestions. I try to balance seeing them as trying to teach me versus trying to criticize me. But she has said mean things to me, like asks a question, I answer, she says I wasn’t asking you! I walk away. She follows me to where I went, and tells me I wasn’t raised right with a mean tone. And when I finally got well, after her making so many negative comments about me masking, she sends to me in allll caps to get vaccinated. Which I thought was rude and I then proved to her I already am. So I have all of these incidences building up, anticipation anxiety. So even when things are calm I don’t trust it. I am trying to protect my partner from the emotional shame damage, and take action of what we can control. We make a list at the end of the day of the things we did accomplish, because every day it feels like we are barely making progress. and still catching up from being sick.

    #423518
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    we ripped up the wood floors that turned black on the ground floor in two rooms. Our bedroom was the worst with mold. We thought it could be an easy fix like clean it up and then put carpet down. But the mold came from either a) they installed the woood floor wrong without a water barrier b)concrete is sweating  c) we can see cracks and where it looks like there was an attempt to treat slab cracks.

    thank goodness my dad made that crystal house shed which is what we are sleeping in now.

    it’s been a stressful few days. I thought I moved stuff into garage well. But my partner has been so stressed he spent 2 hours trying to take apart out bed, yelled at me about it, and then I go in and take it apart in only 20 min. He said he was frustrated with the situation not me and I am like no need to yell at me,  I am happy to fix it. I have one interview today from my freelancing portfolio. I applied for a few days science projects. It was my partners birthday and he told

    e all he wanted was to rip the floors up so we can finally know why and how to fix the water damage. His mom is iced out. Ignored him on his bday and then only brings up things that are upsetting. It has gotten to the point where my partner avoids her. He blames her for the 6 months of living in moldy rooms because she would t let us take off the black wood. What’s different ya she said in not in charge of it anymore. So as long as we can fix it? I am not trying to get in the middle but she proves me for info all the time.

    #422980
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I do appreciate your input and I share the venting detail because I realize if May be hard to read or digest because it isn’t so organized and I had a few typos in there. Yes absolutely being able to roll with it and not take it personally. Thankfully my dad built that crystal house so I can focus on school work with no footsteps or barking just trees and birds, easier to focus

    #422977
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    This is a longer post that is more like venting trying to understand so I get out my loop and back into my day.

    That makes sense. I am so grateful we did not get his parents sick. A lot of the frustrations come from having to fix the house before the rain, being sick, and multiple parties trying to decide the best course of action and being able to communicate. I am on my last day of antibiotics. My partner has good ideas, but needs permission from them to move forward so he feels stuck. His mom was mad every day that I and my partner wear a mask inside. But she was respectful for it. Today she said might as well cover my head to protect the germs. and I just walk away I got upset to constantly having to explain why I am trying to be safer than sorry. It does feel silly but at least I did not give them pneumonia. Then she texts me in all caps to get updated on vaccines. I said yes I have good insurance. I made all the appts. I sent her a picture of my covid vaccines, I am up to date I think? I tried looking it up, I have the primary Johnson, a moderna booster, and a pfizer booster. It feels like I am being blamed for being sick and how much stress it put on the house. But I detach from this because I am doing the best I can. and recognize that others are doing the best they can with the patience they have too. I just don’t want it to turn into the tense fights it has been before. Where we stay small and try to avoid them to avoid fights. Most of the fights are miscommunications. If I am nervous, his mom is deaf and will take that as me being rude to her. She has told me I was not raised right. and then is nice again. So there is a culture clash I really do try. When I say how is it going? they get annoyed that I don’t say anything with more substance so I end up not saying anything at all. My partner drinks to cope with the shame, I think, and pressure that his parents put on him. They want to move out if he doesn’t stop drinking though. So sometimes it feels like walking on egg shells. I do try to be considerate, little things bother her greatly, like if she can see our shoes. She made a shoe rack in our closet so we will never leave shoes out. We mop 2x a week. But if she sees any dirt it triggers her and she has a dog that tracks stuff. Basically trying to make the end of their lives happy with their son. While trying to deal with all of the other things. My partner said I do not pull my weight. Because I said I was mad that I do all of our dishes with no help. I need a job so he can’t say that. But the job he is interviewing now for, was going to be earlier. I told him to apply too and then my interview got cancelled for hiring freeze. So i gave him my tips and answerrs and it is going well. He is going for the full role while I Was going for the internship. SO maybe they want to hire him first and then me. But basically what I am saying is I do pull my weight and try to learn how I can more even though I am unemployed, and I am helping him get a job too? Might have been misdirected anger because now he is kind and collaborative.  seems like my partner trusts me again.

    #422913
    Zeeza
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I calmed down, I wrote a letter to my little brother who is in that special program. Drew him spongebob and wrote down quotes such as “Imperfections are not inadequecies, they are reminders that we are all in this together” and about 6 others in the sentiment healing and healthy thoughts “Dream is Destiny”

    I am trying to think of more and I realize how I was mean to my partner though Anita. I did not have patience in my voice, and it felt like he was being belittled. So my anger was boiled over to that point.

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