Dear Anita,

Oh how I do not want to cause you any pain – but I see the tenderness in your response to me, and I see this is true human connection and love – friendship love and tenderness for another being – beyond the screen.

 Tell me please, this man you married: does he still love you, as broken as he is, is he still hoping… and you, why are you with him, why do you want to be with him- or do you- what does he mean to you???

OH Anita he does oh he does.  Even after the whole conversation last night at 11 pm – (late for us as we wake up early, but not late for NYC) we decided to go for a breather and take the dog on a walk.  Often a dog can be a distraction, just like anything pleasant – oh look what he’s doing this and that – this time I was not distracted by the dog.

i saw how loving and tender the dog is and how he sensed the energy, when my husband was talking loud (as he hardly does) he stared at him and went close to him.  As I did (which i do often) he stared at me but didn’t go close to me.  Yes the dog knows who the “bad guy” is.  I made the joke of this,, and my husband smirked.

We went on our walk. And it wasn’t to “feel better.” Feeling better is bullshit Anita. I have felt better my whole life. With lipstick on and a smile and friends all around. What the hell is that.  Look at the reality of what happened in my living room today.

So we walked and got some pizza.  We walked and saw a cute child.  I naturally said to myself/him (as a friend talking versus having the conversation with each other) how I love children but I find myself (even though at that “pivotal” age – not ready – healing is the key right now not mothering – and I would be terrified to project on abuse to a child as my mother did to me) He looked at me and said, yes you are scared, but if anyone could do it – it would be you. WE would rise to the occasion.

See Anita, this was not a conversation about “are we ready to have children?” this was a conversation about making an observation about yourself (myself) and a loving person interjecting and saying: you are incredible and I believe in you because I love you. and I think we are incredible – not because we are better than others – but because we are special.

yes Anita, I know in my heart he does believe that we having something that is unique and special. no one could have “gotten through what we did” and yes we aren’t really getting through right now are we? but i know in his heart he knows we have a chance to…

Dear Anita,

what is my interest in him.

This may sound like a juvenile comment, but unlike that break up I had at the age of 21 where I was dumbfounded, I see now after years, after being equally dumbfounded with this husband, but of course dripping with incredible trauma from my mother this time awareness in tact – so I UNLIKE then – I don’t feel bad for myself. I don’t feel like it’s a shame that this happened to me. Nothing happened to me I did this. I am the only one who created this mess, I am a monster, I am a monster that is able to be an angel to everyone else except the one person who loves me the most. The one person who I dragged through the mud to get to where I am the one person that I stood on top of so that I could rise and go no contact with my parents. The one person who takes the weight off my Shoulders so that I can go climb the mountain. Okay so I climbed. I don’t take these weights back from him when I have now climbed a mountain. No instead I laugh and I take the weights and I throw them on him, I look at him then and I kick him when he’s down. I stand proud and tall and say roar. ROAR.

I am no better than my mother, an abuser. I am an ABUSER. Am I a narcissist, no. Do I have narcissistic qualities —yes. If there was a Boot Camp tomorrow in New York City that says —-are you a narcissist come in for some help—- would I be the first one in line? Yes.

I am not saying any of this to show off how amazing and aware I am. I am not saying all of this to prove that I am the best psychiatry patient. Nor am I proving any of this to show up that I am the best psychiatrist/expert of mental health.  Nada

I’m saying this because I know that I am deeply flawed, I am deeply burdened with trauma, I am sick. But who I am – ME…I am not those things.  Those things take over me and have taken real estate in my body and heart and mind, but they are not me. They are not who I AM

Who is me?

Well that’s a good question and it would be foolish if I told you who I was. How would I know who I am if I continually act like this monster every day? If I had such a good idea of Of who I was would I be doing all this? No. If I with full awareness and healing and capability I continue to act like this, yes I am a sociopath.

 

But listen, I just got the cancer diagnosis a year and a half ago. After the cancer diagnosis I moved away from a toxic environment i.e. my parents contact. Away. Done. Now I sit around all day and say what is the cancer and what is me? Well who the hell knows, it almost doesn’t matter anymore does it? Cancer has made me angry and mad at my husband, instead of being mad at the cancer I am mad at the husband. It’s easier isn’t it. It takes a higher level to be mad at the cancer. And kind and appreciate to the husband  – I am not at that higher level

I do with my mother did- hey you! Come over here! Take away this burden of cancer. Cmon. You know you can!!! How can you not!!

So the sweet victim does over and over.

Here’s the difference Anita, I am not my mother.

Do I feel possessed by this behavior and in capable of changing it by tomorrow? Yes. But do I also know it is disgusting. Yes.

I Anita my interest is to change and shed my monster layers, I know deep down inside I love this person.  Not because he just happened to fall into my life when perhaps I thought I could not find anyone better. Not because I had this long lost love that I had lost, and this person, this kind innocent vulnerable non-egotistical-safe person was the closest thing to it.or the easy safe option.  But because I truly believe in my heart and soul I met him for a reason. Do I believe the part of that reason was for him to be my support to get away from my parents and embark in this journey. Yes. Is That a shame for him? Yes. Well perhaps his role in my life was to come into it and help carry me. Help to carry me up the mountain. Yes it was. He did it.  But that role is now over. He sees it and that pains him  but I had sunglasses on to that. It’s easy to walk around with sunglasses and experience no harsh light.

Truth is though – It is now my turn to carry him. I must carry him. It is my job.

And i I want to. I do. Does it feel impossible –yes does it feel like I’m Incapable or paralysed. Yes. Does it feel like I can hardly carry myself so how will I carry another person? Yes. But I know one thing is true Anita and that is this:

there is no one person I have ever met in real life that I know that is stronger than me.  And yes I will move mountains, and yes this time – move them while carrying the weight for someone else for a change.

I’m not the super romantic type, but to me this all must mean something

so dear Anita- this is my interest

 

Dear Anita,

Ironically I thought about something like this too, a closure of sorts on my end.

I will think about this  and let it sink in. I wanted to say something to you as I know you are going on your walk or away from your computer. I read all of your posts regarding divorce and I read them clearly. I did not diminish the value and your advice and opinion about that. I took it very seriously. I do take it very seriously. I Do not believe that I am super human and that this is not a possibility for me.

I hope you have a relaxing evening, I hope you do not think too much about the distress that I am experiencing, or more likely the distress my husband is experiencing. I hope that today you look at your husband and you remember that you too could maybe have “chosen” without realizing to be a monster, but you did not, you dedicated yourself to being better. You are so much better. You are amazing

That is incredible and that is everything.

Dear Anita,

Good morning.  I slept on all that we spoke about – it also “sunk in” deeply yesterday evening – I’ll get to that.

What I meant by saying that I do not believe that I am a super human that this is not a possibility for me is this:

I do not think that I am SO able and amazing that divorce is not an option – as in it is a very real possibility.

I think that only when a person, a couple, but especially the “offending agent” (let’s use the term) realizes the true possibility of that – will they understand that to be together is a choice not a default.

I am not sure where to begin this morning, you know – I want to refrain from waking up and having this beautiful lofty post insinuating:

“oh yesterday we talked about such hard things you and I Anita, about the fact that this marriage is so harmful to my husband, but I went home and know it will all be okay.”

When I read that – I think, this person is overlooking the reality, or is in denial.  Perhaps I am judging this person.

But it doesn’t matter what it sounds like – I will just write to you – as naturally as ever – and I see something different in our interaction now.

So When I first started speaking to you, I of course wrote of my confusion or troubles.  I mean everyone on this forum I can assume approaches this way.  It’s not like people are on here saying, hey tiny buddha I am going out for ice cream tonight.

I notice that – over time – just like with a friend, or a close therapist that really understands you – or now even you – you see the person as they are, not just what they speak about in front of you.  You get to know the tendencies of the person, their predilection, their style of speech, their innate knee jerk reactions.  In fact you (the other party) may often begin to predict how this person (myself in this scenario) will feel/act/respond first.

I am seeing the development of this between our interaction, and it gives me comfort and safety.  I always had a respect for our interaction, but after yesterday – it is something more.  Perhaps I am not good with my words this morning – quite verbose. But That’s what it is.

This morning I see myself as a human being, A 30 something year old in NYC newly married with some issues from the past on her plate, but also by all means in society – able to live a functional life.  Ok.  What do we do with this information.  Nothing.  It is about the intricacies.

So here goes.

Yesterday after our heavy topic and conversation, I finished work around 4 pm.  I did not work with the mean lady doctor, the disrespectful, derogatory, berating, unaware/lack of insight lady.  No – I said I do not want to work with her this friday (and so I didn’t).

And how important it was – especially on a day like yesterday, for me to focus on doing good work without emotional ups and downs from her – and able to focus in between on what we were talking about.

So after work I usually quickly get on the subway to get home.  I will go home, take my dog for a walk and then usually head to yoga.  Recently its been more lax in that regardd so I will take the dog to Central Park and sometimes spend an hour or more there.

Sounds relaxing right? Look this doctor living in NYC getting out at a nice hour, able to have balance! How lucky!

This is the sort of speech and idea that can trick me.  I don’t want to be tricked anymore Anita.

So It doesn’t matter what time I get out of work or the like, it is what do I bring home with me.  What is in my head. That’s it.

What is in my head?

So after work yesterday I did not rush home.  I walked to the nearby park where I work (downtown) and observed the frenzy of tourists.  I first thought, ugh such a crowd.  And then I reminded myself – I have nowhere to be.  I realized that S was having an engagement dinner in Philadelphia this weekend.  I declined  to go.  Even when my husband mentioned he is okay if we go since she is such a good  friend – I had replied to him, yes you are right she is, but we need that weekend together since you are not on call.

I smiled at that decision, as it did not matter if were in Philadelphia or NYC for quality time.  If I am in NYC with my head frenzied and inability to be present – then its not any different than being away with others for the weekend.

The external is not the problem. 

So I thought to myself, found a park bench soaked in some sun.  Where is my mind CC, where is it.  So here is the usual scenario:

Okay I left work and almost every Friday my mind is about that mean lady. I go home feeling tense thinking, god how does she get away treating people like that, god I have mentioned it a few times that I don’t want to work with her – perhaps I need to say that I refuse to – oh but wait sometimes she isn’t there that long so it’s not as bad…blah blah blah.  Worry and focus on HER.  Absorbed by thoughts of her.So I arrive home on the subway  30 mins later.  Lets say my husband is home.  I walk in say hello.  and then almost instantly talk about work.  I ask him how his day is he mentions a thing or two.  He asks how mine is – I may not say much.  But sooner or later in that evening it will come out, about the mean lady.  or about the working situation in general.  Or agh gosh the state of medicine these days, and god after all these years doctors don’t have much respect blah blah – all the stuff we have talked about (and Anita your husband had mentioned some)

So I looked at this yesterday on the bench and I thought – bullshit. Idiocy

Actively allowing some stupid stranger to take precedence in your life and  be a priority over your marriage.  No really! This idiot doctor and her cruel ways is in fact the priority in my household on Fridays, not my marriage.. SEE it.  Yes I do.

Okay so next.  So then we have that scenario on Friday – and so of course at a certain point we decide okay are we going to meet friends, or staying in etc.  But it isn’t so simple.  My husband is on call often.  So amidst all this “relaxing Friday” he is getting a barrage of phone calls and texts about patients, or post-operative surgical patients, or just technical details.  Many of the calls important, many of them just annoyance.  But that’s how it goes.

So let’s throw that into the mix.  My mind is elsewhere as above on the mean doctor lady.  Hiss mind is attemptinng to be present, but he has a true real world work distraction.  Here we are.

Now! let’s have my friend R text us and say haven’t seen you in a while, we are going to dinner at X place in the West village why don’t you join us.  I think about it for a second, and tell my husband.  I say you know you’re on call you’re probably pretty tired – so why don’t we just stay in.  He says, no it’s okay, it’s a nice evening why don’t we go – and we haven’t seen them in a while it will be nice.

So we go, have a nice time, eat drinkk laugh – get home around 11 pm.

And thats the scenario.  Nothing terrible, probably something you could observe in most households of 30 something married coupless with no kids yet in nyc.

But Anita – I am not the the typical couple in nyc – I am ME with my history of the mother voice and all the trauma.  i am ME with a marriage that needs severe reparation.

This friday evening in and of itself is not harmful.  But I looked at it more (on the bench yesterday after work).

There is zero awareness on my part of where my mind is the entire evening.  And beyond awareness there is no effort to redirect. In the scenario I did not come home and say, “CC stop thinking about that stupid mean lady, who the hell cares about her, you have your husband to attend to, so even if you have to fake it – be present with him for now. Even if it feels hard to just be there and listen or just sit and say nothing.”

Nowhere in these scenarios is there this regular practice.  Here and there yes, but not regular practice, like a regular practice of running yoga activity – no.

So then back to present – I am on the bench and I think about this “typical Friday” and I think about how it would make me annoyed at mmyself.  God CC why did once again we choose to go out to dinner with friends.  maybe we need to spend more time just us – maybe I need to say no even more!!!

so now I am focusing on further minimizing social Cali Chica – but that is hardly the ISSUE!!!

The issue is not where CC and her husband go physically it is where her brain is . Especially because she is prone to attacking and having punching gloves on.

So I am at the park bench and it has been about half an hour.  It felt odd not to rush home to do something.  It is okay, let it feel odd.  Around that same time my friend from medical School texts me.  She lives in LA and has 3 children.  A 3 year old and twin girls born just 6 months ago.  Needless to say her life is busy, she is a physician married to a lawyer. I am very close to her, but we don’t talk too often given time difference and how much she has going on.

So she sends me a text of how are you/how’s it going etc.  I ask about the kids she sends a few pics.  (so background is that we have talked often about being nicer to our spouses, but more casually).  So I say to her, kind of out of the blue, “you know that thing we talk about, being nicer to our nice husbands – well it really hit home today.” and she replies something like “preaching to the choir, god I have become a monster at home especially with juggling kids – marriage is a lot of work.”

And I read it – marriage is a lot of work.  And I think about how marriage is a lot of work for EVERYBODY.  Just the fact of 2 different people from different backgrounds (regardless of culture) that must cohabit-ate daily and maintain their own identity (well some) while also fostering a supportive environment for another person.  Wow – that sounds hard!! I hardly ever think about it that way.  and THEN they throw kids into the mix, and they have to have the balance of remaining spouses and parents, not just focusing on children.  Wow!

So we continue to chat – she tells me some of the stuff that she and her husband have arguments about.  I tell her: I have kindness, love, and empathy for every person except my husband.  And I tell her that I work on healing daily (she knows about my mother and the entire story – she’s a friend who actually really gets it) – but I do NOT work on my marriage.

It felt good to write that – even if just a text.  I was being honest, and not sugar coating.  yes I suck at marriage.  yes I  do. Yes I have been selfish.  Now this was beyond the normal “oh man marriage is hard convo.”

So anyway our chat soon ends and we have a great sense of humor between us and we joke about getting tattoos that say “don’t be a monster” so that we remember to be nice to our husbands – all in good fun.

So I am on the bench still.  And I think about how, if the average person struggles with this so much, and we can have this conversations and jokes – imagine ME. And not to give myself pity – but to say WOW MY JOB IS EVEN HARDER.

If she (my friend) feels she has to work on her marriage – man that that means i have to work and work and work.

and that is true – until yesterday I did not see how much “extra” I have to do.  I did not.

—–

So in this pensive observation mode I am in – I decide it is time to head home.  I know my husband is already home, It is now 5:30 and I have been on the bench for an hour and a half.  What a great idea to attend to my thoughts before heading home.

So I arrive home.  I see the energy is lifted in my husband compared to the night before (the conversation I told you about Anita, the big one).  he is in gym clothes with the dog and says: “oh I was just about to go for a run to the park with the dog do you want to join.” So my mind goes, yes I should, I haven’t exercised all week – I’ve felt pretty bogged down, oh it is such a nice day…and I said nope no shoulds.

So I respond (and I hardly ever do): “nope I think I’ll just unwind.”

So I sit, and now not at the park bench but in my apartment.  I am fortunate in this big city to have a little bit of personal outdoor space, a small balcony (so very important to me)..  So I make a cup of tea and go sit outside.   No phone, no oh what will we do tonight should I see what friends are doing, should I make a reservation.  Nope.

Cali Chica has her work cut out for her.  After what she talked to with Anita all day, and the small conversation with her friend – there’s no escaping it.  It’s here, and it’s time.

So I sit, and I sit – and it’s nice – my mind goes to what I said about working less, oh I need more mental space to heal – etc etc. I said nope.  It is not about work today.  My husband has no call today, and work is not going to be the focus.  Who caress if I work 10 hours or 100, it is where my mind is when I am with him.  Sure if I am in a terrible  situation it will truly affect me, but I am not.  Let it be.

Let it be.  Focus on  one task at a time – the monumental one: fixing your marriage.

Okay back to sitting without thinking about work — hmm what comes to mind now.  Oh! I remember again that we were going to Philladelphia for S’s party tomorrow.  Oh I wonder what she decided to wear, she was in between a few outfits – maybe I should text her and say “have a great time, be sure to send some pics.”  nope.  No CC – you don’t have to. Just don’t.  Ok.

By this time my husband has returned.  Sweaty and with a happy panting dog.  I see them and I smile.  I truly smile from the heart.  Even as I type this now I feel my eyes well up,and feel a softness in my heart.  And my husband quickly walks in (as I see he is so programmed by me) and says okay what do you want to do? And I say nothing! Just come sit out here with me.  He said I am super sweaty let me go take a shower, I say ok.

He joins me on the balcony and we sit, we comment about the new building that’s being built around us, oh the astronomical prices around here – how do we people afford it.  the new bakery thats opening up, and when.  And then I am about to say oh I wonder if S is doing something before her engagement party – but I stop myself.  Nope.  This isn’t about S, it’s about us.

So he asks what shall we do.  I say I know you just went to the park, but let’s head back there and watch the sunset and then walk somewhere to eat.  There is an ease, and not a rush, something uncommon in our lives.  Something that actively had to be protected.  Yes yesterday I wanted to protect this.  We walk over to Central Park Anita.  The sky is a perfect blend  of pinks and blues, and as always I say it’s a cotton candy sky.  We joke about how no one even likes cotton candy.  I live about 3 blocks from central park, we do the walk all the time over the last 6 months.  Sometimes fast, sometimes slow.

Well yesterday, after leaving our apartment and making the comment about the color of the sky, to the park we were silent.  That has never happened.  No not with me around , CC and her endless chatter.  But silent – sure only 3 blocks, but still.  We arrived at the entrance of the park and noticed there was so many people with blankets and picnics (like usual in the summer). CC wants to say as always “oh I forgot I should have brought us a blanket and some food.” Nope, shut up CC, you shouldn’t have.  you are just fine.  I say nothing, I make myself smile – and then I actually smile when I look at the picnic and see a sweet family.  We walk more.  I see a person with a light up dog collar.  I think “oh I forgot to put the dogs light up collar on,, oh man! I just ordered it and I always forget!” I say nope, shut up -who cares about the collar you are walking.  I say nothing.

My husband asks if we should go up on the hill for the final sunset, I say yes.  We lay down on the cold  grass.  It feels incredible.  Cold and crip with humidity in the air.  He gets up 30 seconds later and says ugh I always get weirded out by the bugs.  I find my usual annoyance thinking “god why can’t he enjoy nature and just lay down.” i say shut up CC it doesn’t matter you are here.  I say nothing. Funny thing is – I say nothing, and my husband lays back down.  I didn’t have to nag him to did I?

We watch the sunset, partly obscured by enormous skyscrapers.  I think “god why are they building so much here can’t they keep it like it is..” I say useless thought CC shut up. I say nothing.

We get up and decide to walk out of the park and find some food.  As we walk out of the park I notice many other couples and families doing the same.  I think about how nice it is to be in this sort of environment – but also how if I spent the last hour talking each thought that came to mind, I wouldn’t have been here – I could have been anywhere, indoors, outdoors, on vacation, in jail.  Doesn’t matter.  it is where my head is.  So if my head isn’t there – how can I connect with my husband.. I can’t.

we are walking and interestingly my husband brings this up, he says: “you know I have this anxiety of thinking we need to go out downtown and eat at some nice place and have a fun night out.”

I naturally feel annoyed and thinkk, agh! we are working on spending more time just us, why is he saying this.  Then I realize, he is also so conditioned  by me and my anxieties and always needing to do.  So I pause and find some patience.

I answerr: “yes of course, we both often feel this way.  We hardly have any down time, especially with your call and then other obligations, so when we do have a free evening in this city we feel the need to do as much as possible. ”

I don’t say more,- I don’t try to tell him not to think that, or ask why, or how he doesn’t need to.  I just mirror his emotion back to him, and make him know he is supported.  Such a small comment he made – but  I practiced.  And it worked.  It did.  It felt good to me, and I know I didn’t create more harm.

We pick up food and decide to head back home and eat on the balcony.  We talk about how we both have a tendency to be very social and do and do, and so it’s important to keep “each other in check.” I say to him this is true, but of course for me it comes from a place even beyond that – from Super Cali Chica (he understands this as we have spoken about it.)

I look at him and think,  this is my partner and my best friend.  He has struggled because of me, but he has many similarities innately to me – and I love that.  The tendency to want to maximize experiences, and not say no just because you are tired.  The tendency to put self help second, and rise to the occasion for others. So many qualities that made me love him as he is incredibly thoughtful and generous.  But so many qualities that I personally took advantage of.  I see him and I see a boyish face still at times.  I see this boy who was raised by sweet loving parents that were non judgemental, and kind.  I see this sweet little boy a young child looking up to his mom and smiling, and her telling him he is a good boy and everything is going to be okay.

i see him now, and me frowning at him and telling him nothing is okay.  I see what that can do to a boy, and what that can do to a man.  I see it, I saw it.

And then we are here today this morning Anita. I hope to continue to see it, with my own reminders, and perhaps from you.

I had the best Friday evening, and to loop back around, not because it was this lofty “oh we can conquer anything and fix us” – no – but because I was present.  Because I took my time, because I harnessed patience.  And because I made my marriage a priority.  Day 1, complete.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Anita,

thank you thank you!

And how quickly I was able to get a glimpse of this empathy and softness. It shows me it is within reach. Not to say it is all cured – but that with practice and diligent attention – these things that I seek and work on – are in fact within reach!

I think for a long time I didn’t realize that they were in reach. Subconsciously that made me feel even less motivated to try, what’s the point whether I try or don’t I won’t feel it anyway.

Yesterday was a great reminder, a necessary one. In regards to my conversation with my friend from California, that’s not an unusual conversation between girlfriends. It’s happening all over the world at every second. Yet, what I said to her yesterday was meaningful to myself, and regardless to who I was saying that to. I was talking to myself and telling myself how utterly stupid it is to focus on other people instead of your own marriage. Then sit around and wonder why you can’t repair it. Utter foolishness.

Next, I would naturally be very focused on my friends engagement party in Philadelphia. And feel guilty that I am not there. Also think about how she was there for every single one of my events from when I got engaged to my wedding. I am letting myself not be dictated by obligation and guilt. Here is the point, whether I decided to attend the event or not, if my thoughts at home revolve around it it doesn’t matter. Just like what you re-mentioned, it doesn’tMatter where we are it matters where my head is. I am not going to spend my day today checking in on her and making sure that she has everything ready for her dinner and that she has fun. She is fine, she doesn’t need that. I have my own life to attend to

I used to envy people who are able to focus on their own lives. My mother used to envy people who were able to focus on their own lives. It’s not some rocket science super genetic ability. It’s simply making a choice. It’s not going with the default. I am practicing, I am working on it.

I have an old colleague here from Texas today, he had asked to meet for brunch. I had said yes initially. My husband has an appointment to attend at 3 PM near where this person’s hotel is. I thought to myself this morning why don’t I join my husband’s appointment, and we will go meet my friend together, just for an hour. This made me happier, it will allow more quality time with my husband, but also allow me to do something I want. Being social is not the issue in and of itself it is where my mind is. Yes –  I have learned to not overextend myself socially, because If I am running Like a chicken with my head cut off then there is no time for mindfulness or checking in with myself and where my brain is..

In order for myself to develop empathy and softness, there has to be space, mental space. Mental space occurs when there is a break from the frenzy. The frenzied bird – back and forth – back and forth. This place does not just come, I have to create it. I have the ability, I have the choice. I have the power and control.

 

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Good morning.  You are right – I should not use this word (monster).  If I am working on using less “fighting” words to my husband – I should extend the same courtesy for myself.

Thank you for explaining the concept of : side show versus main focus.

Being on the inside of things vs. outside.

In the example of S, if I was her (which I was just a few years ago) my focus was NOT my new fiance and my own experience with him.  It was others.  Therefore, I may assume that others (such as S) may also be this way given its the only way I know.  having the awareness I do now – I know that “this way” focused on the external is not the “normal or right” way.

This can lead to awareness two fold:

1) I learn I am a side show to her (others) rightfully so.  This decreases the burden and guilt of “showing up for others always.”

2) I learn that I am not a side show to my own husband, and that I am working on making sure he is not a side show to me.

This helps me: “..be about investing in being on the inside of things and people”

This will be gratifying, satisfying, and wholesome use of time and energy.  It is what life is about, being on the inside, not floating on the periphery here and there like a butterfly.  No, being on the nice center solid and growing strong roots.

Dear Anita,

That is one of the best compliments/words of affirmation I have received from you – I appreciate it and value it dearly.  It means a lot especially coming from you/our interaction.

I will leave it at this today.  Continue to focus on letting all of this new awareness and understanding since Friday sink in, and savor it.

I shall report back tomorrow morning.  Have a great rest of your day, walk, sunshine, and time at the brewery if you decide to visit today.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.