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relationship anxiety

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  • December 3, 2018 at 6:40 pm #267659
    cranberry
    Participant

    So i started talking and hanging out with someone for almost two months now. I told em that I don’t just want anything casual, that I have intentions of being in a relationship and he agreed that he was on the same page as me.

    However, my anxiety is through the roof!! When we first were getting to know eachother he would text rather quickly and send “good morning” and “good night” texts. But he doesn’t anymore and sometimes doesn’t even reply to a message of mine until the next day. I thought maybe there was someone else or he just wasnt interested in me but he told me he just doesnt like texting all day everyday because he gets busy and enjoys doing his own thing.

    He said he would get better at replying and that I should go with the flow and stop questioning so much. idk where my insecurity stems from. Sometimes he goes hours without talking to me but he will be active on social media and follow other girls. we havent made anything official. I fear that I am already becoming a bit much when I express the concerns I have already. Last time we hung out he paid for everything and asked me to go to a show of one of his friends. I don’t live that close so i feel like he goes out of his way to see me but there were also times where he has flaked on me too :/ I don’t know what to think of this.

    I know I should just enjoy his company and go with the flow but I cant help but feel anxious and idk why. Whenever a guy has been really into me they would tell me they actually wanna be with me and made more of an effort to exclusively date. But all of this “chilling” gets me so scared. How do I stop this feeling? Or should I just leave the situation completely?

    December 3, 2018 at 7:18 pm #267661
    Valora
    Participant

    I think your insecurity and anxiety is probably being signaled because you noticed a negative change in his behavior.  He went from doing things that you liked and appreciated to now not doing those things, and that sends up red flags, leading to anxiety/insecurity.  I get what he’s saying about not wanting to text all day, every day because that really is time consuming, but it says something to me that he sometimes doesn’t reply until the next day. Unless you’re sending him messages after he goes to bed, he could at least give you a response before he goes to sleep, especially if he knows you like the goodnight texts.

    It IS a good sign that he’s taking you to shows with friends and that he’s going out of his way to see you, but his flaking in both text and hanging out is not a good sign, so, if I were you, I think I would just back off a little bit and don’t expect anything or get further attached until you feel confident in his interest in you. You can definitely keep hanging out with him and see where things go, but just sort of detach yourself a bit from the outcome of this if you can. I know that’s hard when you really like someone, but I think that’ll help with your anxiety. If you find you’re getting too attached and unable to detach and feeling more anxiety because of it, then, yeah, I would leave the situation because he might not really be a match for you if your affection/communication styles are clashing or if you’re not on the same page. And if you pull back and he steps up to the plate and draws himself closer, then you can see how you feel and go from there.

    December 4, 2018 at 7:22 am #267701
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi cranberry,

    Valora’s advice is spot on.

    At best, he has a passing interest in you or is socially clueless. At worst, he is grooming you to be “chill”, to be the girlfriend that never questions, or you won’t be “cool”.

    Either choice, or the nebulous spectrum in between isn’t for you.

    I would go radio silence until he calls or texts…. and then call/text him the next day. The next time he flakes, say “I don’t like that” and then not see him for a while.

    When he sees you are busy, serious and unattached, his act should clean up, or he will be gone.

    Either outcome is good.

    Inky

     

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