Thank you. I needed to hear this. This man can convince me of anything, i feel so weak around him. He is doing the guilt trip, telling me im breaking my family up and not fighting for us. I actually feel bad when thus was the same man who ignored and neglected us daily at home.  He swear to use any other methods besides hitting me again and to be there for me to help save the relationship with one more chance.  From my experience i know its not true but i still feel like im walking awY from a POSSIBLY  good man if he changes.  Why? I am so confused…

You are very right as I constantly seek a comfort zone that prevents me from experiencing the severe extent of pain and depression  that I’m going through. It would be much easier just to go back home and try again. He’s now moving on to the next level trying to convince me. Encouraging me to stay the night so we can spend all night together, talkin about starting date nights, and all these elaborate plans for the future even when I’m saying that I don’t agree. He even wants to take the kids out and apologize to them supposedly. I know he would put on the best front that he can for as long as he could but eventually the real him would return I just can’t bring myself to risk that but I do want it so bad. He is running out of money and rent is due so I know his intensity is stemming from that but I can’t help it still believe it. His whole demeanor and even tone of voice has changed but will he ever?

So his attempt to amend things with the kids was simply to get some cash in his pocket as well. He gave some half-hearted apology an empty promise to the girls then quickly proceeded to ask me for money. With fasting and praying I can feel his grip slipping from me, but I still long for him and these thought of him going to love bomb and trap some other woman just kills me after all the work and suffering I’ve done. I’m scared to take that final leap and give him the final confirmation that it is over .  I guess I feel more confident leading him on that I may come home . But I will have to let that be the next woman’s problem as I know there will be many. He had a Freudian slip yesterday and told me that there was somebody already waiting to care for my daughter my absence. But tried to say he was playing when he saw my reaction. Even just typing this I sound like I’m all over the place and that has been my life for the last 3 years. Pitiful. Just recently talkin he is getting flat out angry because I don’t want to contribute to the bills of the household anymore because I’m leaving. Little by little he’s showing his true colors again. Why do I love this man why? Am I so afraid of you losing our physical connection which is basically the only thing that survived these years? Am I stupid enough to believe that I won’t find that intimacy (or more so sexual passion).  anywhere else? I feel so pathetic, can’t wait till I wake up from this nightmare that I created

Yes I will take all my children with me when I leave. This is an abusive volatile and unstable man and I will fight in the courts to make sure that I have full custody of the daughter we share. I do not want her to be abused or neglected. This will unfortunately make me a single mother 3, something I have dreaded and part of why I convinced myself I should stay with him even though he did not play the parental role that I needed and I essentially was single anyway. Thank you for saying and reminding me about the possibilities of positives when I leave. I have been emotionally tormented by him so much that I am now myself believing that with three children I will never find someone to love me and be loyal without abuse. I feel used and abused and discarded. I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror. Our communication has gone sour and he is now threatening to hurt me if I do not let him see his little girl because today  is her birthday. He is going back to verbal abuse now telling me that he’s totally done, sending me screenshots of his communication with other women, and calling me a hoe. Classic narcissist abuse patterns at the end of a relationship. But it still kills me. I do sometimes wonder what man will want me with two kids by one man, a third kid by some other man? I’m so torn and broken. I really don’t know where to start with the repair. Should I read a book? Attend domestic violence support group? I’m so lost. If it weren’t for you and me being able to communicate with someone I don’t know where I would be right now. Thank you

You are very right gosh if and when im healed and start dating again i aspire to find a mature man as you mentioned. His threats im sure are physical, financial, social, any method he can use to hurt me he will. He is already on a full fledged smear campaign  telling anyone who listen that i am wicked and should suffer. I try to remain calm but lm living with my parents temporarily at their house where my sister and her daughter also live its wearing me down. I cannot heal with all the different attitudes and interests and opinions constantly being thrown at me. I just need peace. I know their hearts are in the right place for me but when they try to impose their toxic issues on to me I can’t take it.