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Recovering from narcissistic abuse how do i leave!!!

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  • #224573
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jezz:

    I read your four recent posts for the first time, this morning (didn’t read the three before the recent one because they were not addressed to me).

    A few comments:

    1. Regarding co-parenting: “I just wonder how to avoid him in this coparenting… I’m trying to coparen”- You are parenting your toddler. He is not parenting her, so there is no co parenting.

    2. “I have done well at directing my empathy towards my daughter but my heart hurt with our last encounter. I question whether he actually has feelings because of the way he cried”. He does have feelings.  Every human being has feelings. And every human being, no matter how cruel, feels pain just the same as any other human, good, bad or indifferent. So when you see him cry, it means he is human. It doesn’t mean he is a good person.

    3. “I have felt tremendous guilt for him not seeing his daughter but he is not stable… The guilt is worsened when he says he will do anything for us to raise her together. I often cry about taking her from her dad even tho I know it’s for the better… I am so lost, confused and down”- it will help if you correct your thinking so to fit it to the truth: your daughter doesn’t have a dad. You wish she did but she doesn’t. You are not taking her away from her dad, you are protecting her from a man.

    My suggestion: give up the idea that he is your daughter’s dad. Do nothing at all to encourage any relationship between him and her, not now and not in the future. Do all you can to discourage your daughter being in his presence, supervised or not. Do not give in to his pressure that you pay his bills.

    Do all you can to not be in this man’s company, treat him like a criminal who is trying to steal your money and hurt you otherwise. Keep a record of police involvement.

    You wrote, “I’m not making progress at all”- the more distance you make happen between this man and you, and between this man and your daughter, the more progress you make. At this point, I suggest you focus on avoiding him as progress, not on resolving your guilt feelings or worse, resolving or .. improving the relationship with him, or the non existing co-parenting.

    And do post again, anytime.

    anita

    #225607
    Jezz
    Participant

    Anita and all: feel free to comment on anything i post!!! i was only putting names to remember which post i was responding to. I appreciate your feed back and constructive criticism. Sometimes hearing unbiased perceptions from those who have not seen face to face what i have been thru it helps. I never really looked at it as i am protecting  my daughter  from ” a man” and you are right, this is not coparenting. He simply uses her as a bait to see if he can reel me back in. Even our shared visits are usually filled with him begging me to return and how we could all be a happy family. It is so sick how the wiring in my brain literally pulls me back into those feelings!!!!I have to remind myself of all the horrible things i have suffered because of him!!! He recently had the nerve to tell me he was not responsible for all the physical abuse he did because “i hit him first in the relationship” and  ” he has scars too” Mind you this hit he is talking about is me scratching and pushing him in the first three months we were dating because he hugged some other girl and said he was leaving with her and his friends at a cook out. the alcohol did not help either. Now even though i was physically aggressive with him at this time, he certainly did not sustain any black eyes and hemorrhaged conjunctiva, loss of hearing of elbow fractures like he has given me. And as sick as this justification was, I found myself actually thinking about my responsibility in MY ABUSE!!. I have been trying to make attempts at paying debts and getting my credit back together as he bled me financially dry but it is so hard!!!All these debts we accrued and he will have no part in resolution and is currently fighting me because he is facing eviction. He expects me to pay his rent!!!!! Saying that it was the bills i accrued when me and MY kids lived there!! Sick!! I just want to escape him!!! No contact does not work because he is a stalker!!!

    #225657
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jezz:

    You wrote: “this is not co parenting”. And so, if he is not parenting her, then he really is not her dad. He is biologically her father, the man who’s sperm united with your egg, that is all.

    “the wiring in my brain literally pulls me back into those feelings!!!”- yes, this is how our brains work. We feel certain things even if they don’t make any sense. This is why we need to remind ourselves of what does make sense, of what reality is (“I have to remind myself of all the horrible things I have suffered because of him!!!”

    Regarding you “scratching and pushing him”, that does not make you responsible for him hitting you. But notice this: it does not make you responsible for him not being your daughter’s dad, for him using her as a bait, for him being financially irresponsible and dishonest.

    I hope that you do your best to have no contact with him whatsoever and that you involve the police and keep a record of what he does to you, so to build a case against him, you may need to use such a record in a future court hearing.

    anita

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