Please help me understand my feelings.

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This topic has 9 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 8, 2016 at 1:36 am #109126

Priscilla
Participant

First of all let me just start by saying that it sometimes can get very tough working in a corporate setting and having been through a lot, I have yet to lose my resolve to be a kind person and to genuinely want to do my work. I’ve seen many people who have given up, they’ve become indifferent and they always want to do as little work as possible because they are only in it for the monthly pay.

So, a couple days ago I had a work-related question and I asked this colleague (it was supposed to be under his purview) and he just answered by saying “please refer to the guidebook”. So I did and I found the clause regarding the subject that I wanted to discuss further but he kept repeating “it’s in the guidebook”, etc.

It seems so trivial but it has affected me so much that I cried at night. Allow me to explain why: The thing that bugs me the most is that he seems unwilling to take the responsibility for his work. He is not willing to say something that he might have to be responsible for later and he is so distrustful of his colleagues that he thinks I was trying to get him to say something that may implicate him later, while in reality I just want to brainstorm.

I am more inclined to let something like this go if I just meet the person but for someone I have been working with for almost 2 years, this kind of evasive behavior leaves a bad taste in my mouth. How do I move on from this? I know you’re not supposed to judge someone else but I find myself getting angry at him for succumbing to his fear. If you are not willing to take a stand, how can you grow? And the whole conversation is a waste of time, I don’t know any better than I would have if I had asked a piece of rock.

July 8, 2016 at 2:21 am #109128

Nina Sakura
Participant

See Priscilla, I will be very blunt with you on this (with my limited but rather grilling experience at corporate so far) – This guy is a dick but don’t his behavior too personally. A lot of workplaces have this culture at times where the people who are meant to manage and supervise us only do the bare minimum to get by – they arent displaying that dynamism to answer more questions. They usually survive if HR is lazier still and they know how to butter up their superiors well.

My suggestion is discuss the area of brainstorm with someone of a higher designation if possible – do not mention this person’s attitude in any way though. It is fine to be irritated with this attitude – it happens to all of us but do not take it personally in any way – it is a poor reflection of him, not you and eventually you will rise above if you keep doing your work well, displaying initiative and interest to your superiors. However, as a professional, and even in life in general, it is better you dont allow this one irritating person to have this kind of power over you. I understand you cant control his reactions but you can control yours.

If you feel that your organization is not offering you the environment that is conducive to the kind of brain-storming you enjoy, look for newer opportunities in others.

July 8, 2016 at 5:22 am #109133

Inky
Participant

Hi Priscilla,

I think he may have gotten in deep water in his past when he was more like you are now. And he learned (sadly) that getting too invested is never worth it in this corporate setting. That you always have to protect yourself. Even from you. It’s like having a computer password. You may not need it, but the people who would go on your computer are statistically people you know.

Maybe he got further triggered when you wouldn’t let it go. Maybe that’s how he got burned once before (I’m assuming).

And if you’re still hurt, consider: Maybe you’re not that close.

I agree. Don’t take it personally.

Best,

Inky

July 8, 2016 at 6:25 am #109142

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Priscilla:

If you had power over this man, to demote him, remove him from this job, fire him… then you would, following evaluating that he is not helping the company, maybe even harming it and otherwise not worth his paycheck.

If you don’t have that power and his supervisors are okay with him, then he is what you mentioned in your last sentence: a rock. So you stop trying to get water out of a rock. What else can you do….

anita

July 8, 2016 at 11:34 pm #109203

Miniature Bodhisattva
Participant

Priscilla,

First off, you are not alone in your feelings of discontent RE: corporate culture. This is why comics like “Dilbert” and movies like “Office Space” are so popular. We spend the majority of our waking hours at work, so it’s natural if you see the same toxic people day in and day out it would wear on you.

Who knows what prompted this man’s behavior. It wasn’t professional. I’m not excusing that. However, in the dog eat dog world of the cubicle jungle the best way to move on is either 1) accept this is how he is and interact with him as little as possible 2) talk to him about what happened in a non confrontational manner, trying to probe as to why he kept putting you off (“hey, can I talk to you for a moment? When I asked for your help the other day with a couple issues, you kept referring me to the guidebook. While I realize that’s a value resource, I wanted your input. Did I interrupt you during something important? If I need additional clarification would it be better to reach out via email?” etc.) I found this approach very effective with difficult colleagues as it calls them out but also with the angle of trying to find a win-win resolution. I would avoid bringing bosses in to deal with this guy if you can help it – unless he’s doing something illegal management usually doesn’t want to play referee to in office infighting. Plus it makes you look weak in their eyes.

Best off luck!

July 11, 2016 at 1:49 am #109373
Priscilla
Participant
Hello!

Thank you so much for all the replies, I really appreciate it.

Corporate world is tough and I am trying my best not to lose my sense of decency, even though these lately it feels like I am hanging by a thread.

I am not really upset because I think this is personal, it’s only a small part of it, if any. We’re not that close honestly but I’d like to think I have worked with him long enough to deserve more respect than that. I think I cringe at the paranoia that led him to behave this way. He could’ve said “I’m sorry, it’s not for me to say” or “Could you contact the authority if you have any clarification?” and I would’ve understood.

I don’t know why he chose to go down the passive-aggressive route. Has that worked out so well for him before? I know I have gone down that route myself before and it always led to more confusions, more negative feelings, more hurt, and I would feel less like a good person afterwards even though it would’ve felt good temporarily for my ego.

How are we to work as a team after this? I would certainly be more wary of him from now on. I have stopped crying over this but I can’t say I’m ecstatic to go to work.

P.S. Thank you so much for the suggestions on how to deal with this professionally, I would certainly take note and apply them at work. I just still haven’t been able to shake off this…disgusted feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’m sure all of you know what I’m talking about.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Priscilla.
July 11, 2016 at 7:42 am #109384

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Priscilla:

I am thinking this “disgusting feeling in the pit of (your) stomach” has in it a disgust from long ago about someone else in your life who treated you passive-aggressively, disrespectfully, like this man has. So the new disgust triggers the old disgust and together brings about a strong, intense emotional reaction in you. If you agree, then processing the old disgust/emotions will lighten the burden of your work situation with this guy.

anita

July 11, 2016 at 1:31 pm #109419

keine
Participant

Another respondent before me made the statement that you cannot possibly know what was going through this guy’s mind at the time he said this…he may be struggling with his own burdens in his life outside of work, or he might be very insecure about his job performance. We don’t know his story or his situation.

I’m not trying to lay blame on you or make light of your situation, but it helps to approach others’ hurtful behavior from a place of empathy and compassion. Likewise, I don’t know your full story either. You might have been terribly hurt by someone in your past whose behavior affected you the same way. Like Anita suggests, sorting through those feelings will help you move on from the hurt this guy caused you.

We all have our own stories and experiences that can affect our actions and reactions. It is impossible to completely know and understand the mind of another human being. When someone is rude to me, or behaves disrespectfully towards me, I admit that I am hurt and angry, at first. Naturally. I’m human…but then I can’t help but feel pity for them, that their life is so difficult and unpleasant that they feel the need to take it out on me.

I hope you can see things that way the next time this guy (or anyone else) causes you distress.

July 11, 2016 at 6:59 pm #109440

Priscilla
Participant

Hello again!

Thank you for more insights on how to deal with my feelings. I will certainly put them to good use.

July 11, 2016 at 7:42 pm #109444

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, Priscilla. Post anytime.
anita
Author

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