Hi JHK,

Being curious is a beautiful part of life because it invites learning. Overthinking is different from deep thinking. Overthinking is like asking the same questions and pressuring yourself for an answer; it usually doesn’t feel good. Deep thinking is like a sequential stream of different questions and it usually feels good. Our power lies in the quality of our questions. (For example instead of phrasing a question of “why can’t I do this right?” reframe it to ask “how can I improve?”, “What resources would help me?”)

Overthinking or rumination can be hurtful to the person because it is difficult to remain in the present moment. Our emotions such anxiety or sadness can lead us to distorted thinking such as black and white thinking, over magnification, and catastrophizing.

It is important to recognize that moment of paralysis by analysis and redirect your thoughts to see the forest for the trees so to speak, by deep breathing or grounding your senses such as holding something warm or cold. Some people choose to meditate or journal to help cope.

Zeeza

Do you think it is possible that you are overthinking because it is hard to speak the truth simply? Out of fear of the unknown result of speaking the truth? For example, admitting true feelings is scary because one can fear rejection. So instead of saying a simple truth, one tests the waters instead to see if it is safe. Emotions aren’t wrong or right; they are physiological responses to being human and we are animals first. Our logic and understanding of the message behind each emotion helps us choose an action.

Hey JHK,

I can understand feeling anxiety when waiting for a text back. I am waiting for a text back from my boyfriend since last night as well. I have thoughts like am I boring? why? running through my mind. Trying to practice self compassion and patience because in this moment I need reassurance that I am ok. I don’t know if this is relatable?

Sometimes I have to remind myself that feeling this anxiety or tenseness shows how much I care about it and my desire to be thoughtful and considerate.

What kind of unnecessary questions? do you think there is a way to filter your questions before asking? For example, if you are asking questions out of self doubt like “am I boring?” with the fact that she enjoys being friends with you so it is safe to assume she does not find you boring/annoying.  Maybe rephrasing the question to “what is one of your most favorite memory of ours together?” or something along those lines because it is coming from a place of confidence because you know she enjoys being your friend and her answer to this question may help remind you when in doubt.

Did something happen between the time you had engaging conversations to stagnant ones? Why are you suppressing feelings for her?

I usually respond to a message within 24 hours. I find that the best results come from patience. When I feel anxious for a reply, I try to soothe and distract myself and not send more messages so I do not overwhelm/put pressure on the other person.

I can’t speak for her but when I had a gentlemen texting me constantly I automatically withdrew because the situation was making me nervous. I asked him to send me less texts, to not keep sending me texts every 5 minutes when I am not replying but he did not listen. It is hard to continue meaningful conversations over text. It is easier to connect over a phone conversation or in person because body language and voice adds so much. That is why my boyfriend and I decided we could just call each other instead of text so there isn’t a waiting game.

Hey JHK,

I don’t know exactly the situation but in most friendships/relationships the dynamic ebbs and flows. Sometimes we are closer and sometimes there is more distance and it changes as life unfolds.

“But if replying within 24 hours, is the topic of the conversation can be ongoing?” It all depends if we have the time to connect to pick up the conversation where we left off.

Do you think it is possible she grew feelings for you too and she is being distant to manage her emotions?

I think if you share how you truly feel with her and maybe hear what she has to say. You say she is “one in a million” so maybe ask her on a date to her favorite place or something?

I don’t know if I am being helpful but it sounds like you really care to not lose her and so it keeps you thinking.

Facing uncertainties can be difficult. We have this present moment to breathe deeply.

What have you found useful to ease yourself? (Do you meditate, listen to podcasts or comedians?)