You sound a LOT like me. I also don’t mind being single and was single for 10 years at one point, then had a boyfriend for 2, and now have been single for almost 2 years again. I’m also quite intuitive and energy/connection is more important to me in a relationship than most other things. Have you ever taken the Myers-Briggs Personality Test? (It’s free online) and if so, are you an INFJ?

Anyway, I mentioned the above because I 100% get where you are coming from and I have trouble with this, too. I’ve even been battling these same thoughts off and on lately. After you experience a certain type of connection, it’s hard to want anything less than that. I think the biggest thing you have to make sure you’re doing is to just do your best to remain open. When you feel yourself wanting to pull away, remind yourself that connections can grow and aren’t always instant. Sometimes it takes a little bit for you to learn more about someone, so it’s always worth getting to know people at least on a friend level and see what develops.  That’s generally what I have to do because I’m not someone that likes to date since it’s so hard for me to find that type of soul connection that I want and I don’t want to give guys the wrong impression. I’ve found it’s easier to just develop friendships and see what happens.

However, with my ex, when I started hanging out with him, I had this nagging feeling that I needed to give him a shot, even though I wasn’t totally attracted to him at first. It wasn’t a BAM instant connection, but my gut was just saying…. get to know this guy better. There was just something there and I could feel it.  That guy ended up feeling like home to me. We were incredibly connected, our interests and personalities fit like puzzle pieces, and we ended up having a great relationship that I would consider a consummate love (which is ultimately what I’m looking for) until we both had a barrage of separate personal issues get in the way that neither of us were handling well, and it drove a wedge between us. He is now that connection that I am looking for in someone else and the one I tend to compare people to, much like you do with your ex.  However, what I learned from that experience is that our intuition will guide us when it comes to love, too.  I used to think I just wasn’t giving guys a chance before I met my ex, for whatever reason, but I’ve been single for almost 2 years now and most of the guys who liked me before came back and tried to take me out again, and I realized that those guys just weren’t matches for me. I wasn’t giving those guys chances because they weren’t my guy.

So it’s also possible you’re not actually in your own way, you just haven’t quite met that right guy yet… and if you’re an INFJ like I suspect you might be, it’s going to take a special kind of guy and connection that is harder to find, but finding that is worth the wait. Just do your best to remain open and try not to write people off too quickly but trust yourself when you really don’t think someone is the right match for you. Sometimes it’s not anything you’re doing wrong… it’s just that guy hasn’t been in front of you yet and I believe if you let your intuition guide you, you’ll intuitively know when you find him.

You’re welcome! It helps me to hear I’m not the only one who feels this way, too, so thank you for posting as well!

Its not just woman who find themselves in the same situation. I fear I am also a member of the club.

My mother once warned that the older a person gets without entering a committed relationship the less likely they will.  Her theory being that entering into such relationships required a level of innocents,  blind ‘faith’ and ability to leap into the unknown.  The wide-eyed wonder of youth.

I wonder sometimes if she was right.  I know as I have gotten older taking a leap of faith has become much harder. To be candid its been so long that I wouldn’t know where to start.  As INTJ I think to much and trust myself to little…  so, in my case I am getting in my own why.

I agree with Valora though. I think for people like us we need to meet that person who is patient and that won’t panic when asked to move slow so that we might create that safe place.

My mother once warned that the older a person gets without entering a committed relationship the less likely they will.  Her theory being that entering into such relationships required a level of innocents,  blind ‘faith’ and ability to leap into the unknown.  The wide-eyed wonder of youth.

That’s a really interesting take on it! I think she might be right, but this may also be what leads to so many divorces or unhappy marriages. When you go into things so blindly, it’s much more likely you’ll end up with a mismatched partner, and that might be why the older generations are much more cautious. We want to be in a HAPPY relationship, not just a relationship. I’m wondering what the statistics are for the relationship status of those who get into relationships when they’re older (even 2nd or 3rd marriages or 1st marriages for those who “wait long rather than marry wrong”). I’d wager that those relationships are happier and more likely to last.

I do agree, though, that we have to make sure we aren’t afraid of relationships or being TOO picky. I think it’s the difference between “I can’t date this guy because he doesn’t like Star Wars” and “I can’t date this guy because he constantly complains while making no effort to change things, and that is something that drives me insane.”  You know what I mean?  One is nitpicky and another is something that may not bother everyone but is a character flaw that might be a big deal to you.

I think younger people in general tend to look past the things (“red flags”) that end up being deal-breakers later on while the older people of learned to pay better attention to those things. So we, as the older people, just have to make sure we’re not actively looking for things that may be wrong with people (nobody’s perfect, right?) but still being mindful to pay attention to them when they are glaringly obvious. Know what I mean?