Dear Prash,

Oh yes, it was very supportive. Last weekend I was very distressed and reading your comments when I could not fall asleep was very comforting and produced some calm effect for me.

I agree that all the life situations are unique. Sometimes it strikes me to want extent the blogs, the books does not talk to me. It feels so weird that the most common human struggle and experience is not something I find hard to take. At the same time people tend to be much more resilient with the things I find unbearable.

To give you few examples: social anxiety, job self-doubt, financial insecurity,… These common places of suffering let me indifferent. I mean, I empathize with people on the intellectual level and trying to support them the best I can, but I don’t experience it myself on the emotional level.

However, I struggle a lot with lack of attention, of love, of close and strong connections. I put so much effort to have it. Surprisingly (or maybe not (?))  it so hard to get for me. Most likely I am too demanding. I work on it, literally talking to myself and stopping myself from acting as demanding. But no matter what there is no big improvement in the area. And this hurts me the most. I feel like people like me, but try to avoid me. I had some feedback that the deep level of my conversations and interactions feels too much for most of them. I am trying to change this one too… Well… I don’t know.

On the other hand, when I get my “minimum” of attention and care, everything become so good and light. When I feel loved and cared for just with a little (but real) gesture, I feel strong, I feel good and happy.

As I mentioned in one of my previous post, I am naturally a happy and positive person. I just need this small portion of feeling important and significant  for someone and then everything fall into places. However, without this feeling I feel miserable no matter what I have or what I do.

I am trying to understand, but cannot get my had around it. I understand the evolutionary explanation of human being social animals. Bu then why is it me who seems to be the only person who react to it so sharply? I don’t find articles, blogs, posts about this… Mostly: “stop dwelling on the past…”, “don’t be a perfectionist”, “don’t depend of others think of you”. But, again, this does not speak to me.

For your question about my definition of happiness, the answer is – yes.   I agree. I actually came to the same conclusion (intellectually though). I put some conscious effort in trying to find other source of happiness, but was not successfully so far. It feels phony. Do you know what I mean? Like if I start painting or playing piano (which I do), how is it supposed to fill the void  due to the lack of human interaction? Probably I should persevere…

It might sound stupid, but do can you give me some examples?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by miranam.

Dear anita,

I think we have a natural tendency to simplify complex phenomenon. Our automatic desire is to find a simple answers to the difficult questions to put things in order.

Moreover, the specificity of our interaction is that I will give you a portion of the information I am concentrating on at the moment I am writing. It might be contradictory at times. Hence, the changes in your perception.

To answer all your questions objectively and thoughtfully in order to give you enough information, I will need to write a dozen of pages, and, even after that, I don’t believe you (or anyone else for that matter) will be able to get the clarity required to fully understand what happens in my family.

If my husband was a bad person, I would leave a long time ago. I know and understand his shortcoming. He has also a very good and admirable side. I also realize that I might contribute to the issues we have and I am working on it alone as well as with my therapist.

As for my younger son and your statement about kids in general, I am afraid I disagree. Some kids are born quiet and some are prone to cry more. There is an inborn part, then there is the influence of the environment. What we become when grown is the result of the combination of two. I don’t think there is someone who can tell the exact proportion of their respective contribution, but my observations tell me that the inborn part is probably the one which drives, unless there is something utterly wrong in the environment.

My husband and myself we always have been very caring (maybe too caring) for our son. I think we did not give him the opportunity to learn to develop a resilience for the frustration of not getting what he wants. Well, I tried and still am, but my husband being an inborn conformist tries to avoid conflicts and resistance as much as he can. I am more resistant, but first – have my limits too and second – I don’t want to play the role of the “bad cop”. I played it a lot while daddy is much cooler. Who do you think my son prefer to spend time with (not to mention common guys interests).

As for my son giving me, I was referring to think and to give a gift for the mother’s day for example. He did forget for two years in a row.

Another example of a behavior which hurts me would be the following: we went to see a movie together. I picked a parking place which he disliked, he said we should park on the other side. The when we went out, he made such a big deal about it, was arrogant and harsh. I said it is unacceptable and stopped talking to him. Later, he would apologize. And this type of things happens often. I think he has anger management issue, especially with us, because he knows he will get away with it. Mind you, even being toddler at the daycare, they told us that he has such “strong characters”.

It might seem easy from the outside to deal with it. But believe me, this is not the case.

I think I will do the best I know and can to keep myself and my family together.

Thank you a lot for your time and care.

miranam

Dear anita,

None of your statements describes what I think.

Generally speaking, I think that people are born Selfish. With an ability (not a garantie) to become altruistic if properly educated.

When it comes to arrogance, I think it is a magnifestation of the inner feeling. Which in its turn is conditionned by hormonal composition as well as the environment.

When it comes to my son, I think that the anger and/or anxiety is something which he inheritated – yes. And I believe there was nothing utterly wrong in the environment. There were mistakes (see my post above), but nothing dramatic.

As much as many other people. It mades it more difficult to educate him. As much as my older son was born with “happy gene”. Almost never cried, always smiled when was few months old.

Dear anita,

Please see my answers below:

Are you saying then the following regarding your younger son ?:

1. “people are born selfish” and so, your son was born selfish as well.

> Correct

2. “there was nothing utterly wrong in the environment” into which your son was born and in which he has grown up so far.

> Correct

3. Your son genetically inherited “anger and/or anxiety” that led him to resist the proper education that you and your husband provided him, and therefore he did not become altruistic. Instead he remained selfish (and arrogant as well).

> Not correct. I wrote : “I think we did not give him the opportunity to learn to develop a resilience for the frustration of not getting what he wants” To add, we did not establish clear boundaries of what is allowed and what is not.  We are at fault for this.

4. Your son’s anger at you has nothing to do with the nature of his interactions with you, his mother throughout his 13 years and everything to do with his genetics that were set before he was born?

>  This is an over simplification if what I wrote. 

I think, sadly,  we don’t get to understand each other with you any more. Maybe my English is not good enough to explain what I want.

On the other hand, I perceive you imply I am a bad mother which did not know how to interact and help her son to grow and to became a good person and that I fail to understand that I am the only one to blame. If so, I got your idea and I will think about it.

However, according to my therapist, the guilt I experience (and always experienced) prevents me from moving forward and improve my relationship with everyone, including my son. He thinks I “overdo” and might be perceived as “too much”, that I should let go more often than not.  So, somehow what you show me the opposite direction and I think I will pick the path suggested by my therapist. I believe changing direction 180 degree will not do any good for me right now.

I feel sad reading what you think about me, but I don’t want to justify myself any further.

Thank you.