Home→Forums→Relationships→Need advice: My parents or my fiance
- This topic has 11 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 6 months ago by
Thondit.
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June 1, 2019 at 8:02 pm #296915
TutsParticipantHello all!
I am a millennial raised by helicopter parents. They hate my boyfriend and said that I could do better. He’s my first ever relationship, but we were too young then, so we parted ways. After several years, we’re now at a time where we are both ready to start a family and finish what we started. The thing is, we’re still sorting ourselves out financially. I’m going to move out of my parent’s house once I find a new job that will financially allow me to do so, and he’s paying of his debts at a very manageable rate. We’re planning to marry next year. My parents do not know this yet because they have already prejudged him as irresponsible because he is not close to his family (he comes from a broken family) and because he still has unpaid debts from eons (10-15 years or so) that he was not able to pay. In his defense, he said that he thought those debts were already paid but promised that he will pay just so they have nothing bad to say. To be fair, my fiance has no history of drunkenness, drug abuse or any criminal record. He comes from a lower income family and while he’s not particularly proud of it, he admits that he does not have a close relationship with his family.
Our plan is for him to stay in one place for good after he finishes his contract abroad. We’re happy with each other but I don’t think I can have both him and my family in harmonious situation even if he’s ready to try. My parents made it perfectly clear that they cannot accept him. This is why I don’t think my parents will attend my wedding. And if that is the case, I also do not think I can let my parents be involved in the lives of our future children if they can’t even treat him even with an ounce of respect.
Do you think my parents will ever change their mind? What can we do about it?
June 2, 2019 at 7:21 am #296981
AnonymousGuestDear Tuts:
Are you planning to get married only if your parents approve of him or are you planning to marry without their approval?
anita
June 2, 2019 at 6:32 pm #297121TutsParticipantAs much as possible, I want to get their blessing for me to marry my fiance. If not, then I suppose we’ll just have to push through with the wedding without them.
June 2, 2019 at 6:37 pm #297125
MarkParticipantTuts,
I assume you and him are legal adults? I don’t see a hurry to get married. Get your financial affairs straight.
You said he has contract work abroad? Does that mean he is not physically around you? How well and how long did you know each other when he was in proximity of you?
How old are you two? Is he your first real, committed relationship?
Mark
June 2, 2019 at 6:40 pm #297127AnonymousGuestDear Tuts:
I just noticed you answered me and will reply tomorrow morning, in about 11 hours from now. I hope you answer Mark’s questions before I return, so that I know the answers as well.
anita
June 2, 2019 at 7:52 pm #297131TutsParticipantYes Mark. We are both adults. I’m 27 years old, he’s 30. We’ve been exclusively dating each other for a year. We’re not in rush. His contract is until September next year. We’re planning to get married by December 2020 or by February 2021. By August this year, we’re positive he will be able to pay all his debts and start our joint savings. I am debt-free but I only have an ample amount of savings because I help pay the education of my siblings because I am the eldest (I have 2 sisters, the I pay for the tuition fee and expenses of the second one).
We’ve always been in contact for years since 2007 but didn’t get together because we always had to prioritize something else (like he had to study and work at the time and I had to focus on finishing my medical degree). We lost contact for about a year and a half 2016-2017. Then he told me he’s going to work abroad in mid-2017 to find a better paying job. Unfortunately, when he went there (spending his savings and all), the job he was supposed to get had already been filled out. So he had to exit the country upon expiration of his visa and re-enter again to find a new job. He had to exit thrice, so he had to loan money from some friends. His first job was just enough to pay for rent and food so he was not able to cut of his debts little by little. But now, he’s got a better paying job that affords him to pay his loans off and still have a few savings.
And yes, he’s my first real committed relationship. We both are.
June 3, 2019 at 7:17 am #297147AnonymousGuestDear Tuts:
You wrote in your original post about your parents: “they have already prejudged him as irresponsible because he is not close to his family (he comes from a broken family)”- their judgment is 100% wrong. A child does not choose to not be close to his parents/ family. A child is always close to his parents until they push him away! So it is his parents who are responsible for him not being close to him, yet your parents blame him!
Look at how close you are to your own parents, wanting their blessing as much as you do!
If your parents don’t attend your wedding, it is not because you are not close to them, it is because … they pushed you away, which is what they are doing.
Reads like your boyfriend is hard working, that he tries hard. I hope that the two of you can operate like an effective team, pull resources together and make a sensible life together.
anita
June 3, 2019 at 12:30 pm #297221
InkyParticipantHi Tuts,
One problem is that you (unwittingly) have framed the boyfriend as if he’s on audition for your parents’ approval. The other problem is that your parents still look at him as if he’s this older guy inappropriately after their teenage daughter (based on the math).
This isn’t the old days when marriages were prearranged and women were like cattle.
Your parents should have no input into who you marry. None! Of course, it would nice, in the tradition of all our dead ancestors if they PAID for your one and only wedding. But then again, that’s going back to outdated approval and property rights.
It may break your heart, but I suggest going to the town hall and just get it done. No drama. No big financial commitment. You’ve been together mostly for ten years. Then tell your parents in passing after you’ve moved out and in with him, “We are officially married you know. Between you not being crazy about him and his parents being dysfunctional, it was for the best.”
Good Luck!
Inky
P.S. Grandparents are crazy about any and all grandbabies, don’t punish them for not being crazy about the dad. It would be a new beginning where THEY have to earn BOTH your approval to see them.
June 3, 2019 at 5:28 pm #297265MarkParticipantTuts,
From your response, I cannot ascertain how much time you two actually spent physically together. That makes a huge difference. I believe that until two people spent time actually together then it is still projection, fantasy, and a situation that does not actually challenge the couple to deal with each other in a manner that involves dealing with differences, arguments, and pushing each other buttons… and then resolving it through communication, understanding, and compassion.
I recommend pre-martial consoling for that.
Plus your parents may be right, or not. However you two are adults and it is your decision. I find that relationships/marriages don’t work based on the lack of communication and the ability to deal with differences. Do you two have dealt with the hard stuff? I recommend by approaching your marriage with a conscious and mindful way. Check out a pre-martial counselor or reading (together) something from the Gottmans like their latest book, “Eight Dates: The Essential Conversations That Lead to the Lifetime of Love.” The Gottmans are the standard of romantic relationship wisdom.
Even if your relationship crashes and burns, it is YOUR life. You have experienced that and hopefully learned from that. Rarely a relationship fails (in my view) because someone is from a different class or being in debt. It is more on how the person got there and is dealing with that. You have already ascertained his character and that what is important.
My question is how well do you actually know him? It seems that you two have not actually spent much time together face-to-face.
Mark
June 3, 2019 at 10:29 pm #297281TutsParticipantMark,
Are you suggesting that we live together first before getting married?
Now to answer your question, I have known him since I was 14 and he was 17. We spent numerous times together during school vacations and had several dates, just the two of us while we were still not officially a couple. We’ve always had a ‘mutual understanding’. Also, we have been in contract every day for hours and hours for the past year up to present since we took our relationship to the next level. It’s just that our current situation right now does not allow for us to be physically together.
I know him pretty well. I know all about his his family history, his flaws, finances, his dreams, his quirks, his faith, his views, when he’s having a bad day, his hobbies, and he knows mine too. While we have minor differences, (for example, he’s a morning person, I am not) we have more similarities (like views on kids, marriage, sex, church, politics, laws, etc.)
As for the hard stuff? Can you be more specific? Because the hard stuff that we’re dealing with right now is the intense disapproval of my family and how we will both still have to deal with it in the future. I’m not gonna lie. We’ve had fights but so far we’ve managed to sort things out. We are both working it out individually, me on working on my independence and growing out of the shadow of my overbearing family, and him when it comes to his debts. We know we’ll probably face other obstacles in the future, but we’re both in this for the long haul.
June 4, 2019 at 8:19 am #297327MarkParticipantTuts,
No I am not suggesting living together before marriage. That is a highly personal preference.
Insofar what I mean by “hard stuff” is that have you two dealt with arguments/differences/misunderstandings with compassionate communication and resolution? Did either of you walk away feeling that you had to give up who you are? Suppress your values? your identity? There is a difference between knowing someone well and be able to deal with these differences.
It sounds like you have/are doing that now with this disapproval.
Here’s an idea. Use a third party mediator to sit down with all of you to discuss this. It sounds like from how you describe your parents that this is probably a futile effort though.
When it comes down to is that you may have to choose between your boyfriend and your parents. As Inky points out, having grandchildren commonly brings families back together.
I wonder what your parents’ story is about their backgrounds and how they came about marrying. This may give you some insight why they are so adamant against your bf.
Mark
June 6, 2019 at 1:46 am #297601
ThonditParticipantHey Tutti……
Your post is clear to everyone and based on how you explained everything !!!! These things is a bit complicated , if your parents had rejected your boyfriend , then you have to use the third party person between to help you out. Use someone who is the best friend to your father! !!! Meanwhile try to convince your mother so that she can be on your side. . Never try to neglect your father out of it when you manage your mother later to be your version..
Ask anyone who is the instructor or captain in command to your father when they are flying, ,,,,,, then approach him.
Otherwise if you do things alone that I am mature enough to handle your issues, then you will fail terribly I tell you my dear.
How long have been dating this man? ????
Gregory
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