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My Yoga Gatekeeping :(

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  • #421217
    Arden
    Participant

    Hey everyone, I’ll be sharing a weird truth about my yoga journey. I’ve started doing yoga years and years ago, and I don’t have much ambition within me. I’ve done it sometimes every day, sometimes once a year but in the last 2-3 years, it has been a part of my life. I’ve did like 90-150 days streaks where I went on each day with it and count it on my journals.

    Never advertised it besides my inner circle, my friends knew it sometimes but I have never spoke about it. And I also made it about the streak rather than the yoga itself. When it’s like a streak and you’re doing it every day no matter what, you make it for the sake of streak, not the yoga. You are not always in the condition or in the mindset that you will enjoy it or make the most of it. But I was okay with that. There comes my reason for this post, I have a frenemy. I am not a person who compares themselves with every single friend he or she has. But there is just one specific person that I feel this vibe with. It has been the same since we have met with this friend, and I’ve always felt this need to be better than her since I think that she is a bit overvalued, glorified, and thanks to this overvaluing, she is a bit selfish, ignorant and felt like she was better than everyone else. She doesn’t put the work in it but also expects to be better in anyways. I honestly think that she is a bit spoiled. I’ve knew how she was and after certain let downs, I started not trusting her with my vulnerabilities. I accepted her as she is and didn’t put myself at risk. She is like a person that I would never want to be like, but somehow, she is liked/loved a lot. Maybe because she is fun to be around sometimes, but not so fun to trust. The thing is, she always did fitness, took care of her booty and such. Just the activities that the opposite sex would appreciate. Right onto the point, she had a target, to be able to seen sexy. And she worked for it, I appreciate that. I am not like that.

    Whereas I always saw spiritual/mental health as more important because I needed it. In my childhood, also teenage years, I needed some ways to hold myself sane and found some ways and went on about it. Also in the following years, 20ish years, went on with my yoga and it helped me a lot, overcoming my anxiety and all the worries with my exercises that I do at home, also breathing techniques I have learned from yoga. It kept me sane to sum it up, I am thankful and will always have yoga in my life. But now, now that she met with someone that teaches yoga and started purchasing lessons, face-to-face, she told me that she’ll do streaks like me. I didn’t like this idea. I felt like, why don’t you go on with your on-point exercises making your body sexier and not my beloved streaks? I am trying to understand why I am doing this gate-keeping on yoga since it’s not my thing to begin with, I felt the comparison suddenly. I have never compared myself to anyone in yoga for years, always focused on myself and always wanted my genuine friends to try it since I know that it is good for both mental and physical health. Always sent out some videos to the friends that I thought was in need of a back stretching exercise. But this specific friend made me feel bad about it, started my streaks again without telling anyone, felt like this is like an ego issue, and I have to overcome this feeling or I will lose my beloved exercises, peaceful matt minutes to this ignorant lady. And i don’t think it’s worth it! šŸ¤£

    #421251
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Miyoid

    Gosh what venom you are poisoning yourself with. No one owns yoga ( people have tried to patent it to no avail).

    Hopefully yoga will transform this frenemy and she will embrace the spiritual aspect to grow into a kind & loving being & someone you would be proud to call a friend.

    #421262
    Arden
    Participant

    Hi Roberta,

    I don’t think this frenemy will transform, as we don’t have any time to wait for others to change. I am more interested in changing myself so that I won’t feel this way about yoga and her. This state of mind bothered me and I am trying to change it. At least, I am trying to identify which parts of toxicity here belongs with me and not her, and as I identify that, I can maybe change it.

    #421263
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Miyoid

    You are right the only person we have direct power over is ourselves, but this does not stop us wishing the best outcome for others.

    Many years ago I read a book by Valerie Mason John “Detox your Heart” I and others in our group have found it insightful.

    I have never come across the phrase streaks in conjunction with Yoga. I would be grateful if you could explain it.

    Best wishes

    Roberta

    #421274
    Arden
    Participant

    I am not wishing any thing bad for her, but I cannot wish the best for her either. I don’t know how toxic is that.

    Thank you for your suggestion, I’ll look into that book!

    Streak doesn’t mean anything in yoga, it just means that I do at least an exercise of yoga each day, doesn’t matter the lentgh. So I just note it down like 50 days, it has been 13 days, and so on. When sth happens, I just start over the next day or next week.

    #421282
    Miles
    Participant

    This is some good reflection you’ve done miyoid. I think this is someone you could learn a lot from.

    I think that she is a bit overvalued, glorified, and thanks to this overvaluing, she is a bit selfish, ignorant and felt like she was better than everyone else.

    From my experience and in my opinion, when we have opinions of others in this way says more about the person having the opinions. We often criticize in others what we dislike in ourselves and I feel like you think because you are more spiritual than your friend that you are better. In a sense you are overvaluing yourself (and specifically your spirituality) when compared to her.

    I’ve found when I am comparing or criticizing they often have something that I lack that I want for myself. Fitness or nothingness being notable attributes. Does this person have things that you wish you had?

    You mentioned this person is well loved, is that something you want to be?

    Do you talk to this friend much? I’d consider being vulnerable with her. You may find out that she might think less of herself than you think. Likewise, there may be things about yourself that she desires to be. She may want to be spiritually like you. She may not be, but I guess I’m trying to encourage you to not make assumptions and try and connect and understand her more deeply. Why makes her value her physical appearance more? Her answer might surprise you.

    Why do you focus on your spirituality? Yes to overcome your anxiety, childhood, etc. but there are a lot of mask those feelings (drugs, alcohol, ignorance of the problem). Why do you want to be better?

    With all of this, there might be a bit of unfairness you are feeling towards this person, especially if they have things you want and the fact that you’ve gone through some hard times. I’ve had to deal with this myself. Some people seem like they have it so easy and have everything I want! Life is unfair like this and there are a lot of feelings we must accept and process due to this fact.

    #421296
    Arden
    Participant

    Trying to find out the stuff I need to find out so thank you for your answer.

    Iā€™ve found when I am comparing or criticizing they often have something that I lack that I want for myself. Fitness or nothingness being notable attributes. Does this person have things that you wish you had?

    Yes, that is something I’ve been thinking about. Actually what I yearn for is to be a bit more careless, a bit more relaxed. I am not like a stressful person, I just know my limits, I act careful to the loved ones, I try not to bother anyone and also take care of myself at all times. But I don’t think she cares at all about any of those details. Can you sense anything that I am not seeing here? Let me know, you’d be helping me.

    For example, I have been doing these exercises for years without comparing myself to anyone else. But she asked me if I could do one specific pose after all those time, she was able to accomplish that pose so she was asking. I felt like she is trying to let me know / learn where I am at since I’ve been doing and she just started. I sense a need of accomplishment in her mind when asking me and waiting for an answer like “yes, i was able to do that pose after months” which what I gave her.

    Thank you for the tips, when I am involved in these types of comparing/toxic feelings, I tend to forget the other party can feel the same way. I kind of feel that she is creating the rivalry, but I am not sure.

    Why do you focus on your spirituality? Yes to overcome your anxiety, childhood, etc. but there are a lot of mask those feelings (drugs, alcohol, ignorance of the problem). Why do you want to be better?

    Thank you for making me think, I actually don’t focus on spirituality. If i did, I would have done more and accomplished more. I just stayed around where I was and kept myself sane, that was all. I just did what I wanted to do, and didn’t yearn for more, didn’t have any rival on that and just wanted to keep myself calm/peaceful. Maybe now that she brings this feeling, comparison, into my life about something that I’ve only done in a pure way and I am angry because of this.

    #421306
    Peter
    Participant

    Heaven above, Heaven below, Stars above, stars below, All that is over, under shall show. Happy thou who the riddle readest” – Tabula Smaragdina

    Yoga a practice of the above and below, all connected, everyone one, everything belongs, we are enough, thier is enough.
    Be still and know that I am…

    Movement is time, Stillness eternity. “Movement is what creates life, Stillness is what creates love; To be still yet still moving That is everything” -Do Hyun Choe

    All movement all breath arises from and returns to stillness,
    All movement all breath arises from and returns to eternity,
    All movement all breath arises from and returns to Love.
    This is the practice.
    Be still and know that I am… stillness… eternity, Love…

    Yet it is said nothing arises, nothing ceases, nothing is attained.Ā  Their is only the still point..

    This is the riddle and the practice.Ā 

     

    #421308
    Miles
    Participant

    Yes, that is something Iā€™ve been thinking about. Actually what I yearn for is to be a bit more careless, a bit more relaxed. I am not like a stressful person, I just know my limits, I act careful to the loved ones, I try not to bother anyone and also take care of myself at all times. But I donā€™t think she cares at all about any of those details. Can you sense anything that I am not seeing here? Let me know, youā€™d be helping me.

     

    You’re the best one to know for sure! Again you’ve done some good reflection here in this paragraph. It sounds like maybe you want to be a bit more carefree? Care less about what people think and focus on your needs?

    What about the fact that this person is liked and loved a lot? Do you feel like you are not? At least for myself, I know that would be a comparison I would make (and have made). But again, you’re the best to know for this. See if its true for you.

    Thank you for the tips, when I am involved in these types of comparing/toxic feelings, I tend to forget the other party can feel the same way. I kind of feel that she is creating the rivalry, but I am not sure.

    I wouldn’t label your feelings as toxic here. It is comparing and that’s very very common. Imo it’s not healthy, but I just want you to be kind to yourself here. Again, I’d investigate her motives and also I’d investigate if there anythings about her personality/character that you’d like to have.

    Maybe now that she brings this feeling, comparison, into my life about something that Iā€™ve only done in a pure way and I am angry because of this.

    No one is responsible for how we feel. You can’t be upset at her for your personal comparing thoughts, they are yours and yours alone. For me, these thoughts (and your anger) point to something deeper.

    Also, I’d make a list of the reasons you do yoga and have those be your focus. I did the same for climbing and exercise, helped me a ton and helped me not compare myself to others. Be proud of yourself too, your streaks are quite impressive and you should be proud of that. You should also be proud of doing this reflection! It may be uncomfortable for a bit, but I feel we learn our most important lessons when we are uncomfortable.

     

    #421351
    Arden
    Participant

    Youā€™re the best one to know for sure! Again youā€™ve done some good reflection here in this paragraph. It sounds like maybe you want to be a bit more carefree? Care less about what people think and focus on your needs?

    Yes, I need to be more carefree but somehow I am having hard time doing that. I found out years ago that if I think about my actions, everything in a good way I wouldn’t be in hard positions financially and so on. So maybe since I see that living is easier this way, I need to protect myself financially and emotionally. So being like her is not possible for me but I guess I can take breaks. Maybe I am just too tired from working and thinking all the time.

    What about the fact that this person is liked and loved a lot? Do you feel like you are not? At least for myself, I know that would be a comparison I would make (and have made). But again, youā€™re the best to know for this. See if its true for you.

    I am not sure it seems to be as if she has some friends from the past that hold on to her even though she was selfish at times and has been not fair to them. This also includes me, she was not a supporter in some aspects and sabotaged me in the past by being self absorbed about something we both did, like projects or stuff we did together. A bit ignorant as I’ve observed over the years and then stopped expecting more from her.

    I don’t know why people like each other so I cannot fight with that I guess. I will just be myself and whoever likes me will like me and that’s all. I will have to focus on my own advantages more and chill. These types of toxic thoughts occur when I am not in my best mind.

    #421360
    Miles
    Participant

    Maybe you also need to consider if this person is worth the effort? Are they trust worthy and do they deserve your attention or is your life better without them?

    #421738
    Arden
    Participant

    I will try to ignore them a bit, stop giving without receiving. However, I really want to work on my ego that has created the rivalry here, this shouldn’t have happened šŸ˜€ Thank you Miles for your perspective and replies.

    #421754
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Arden

    In that one short paragraph you have managed to raise several age on conundrums.

    Here are some possible answers to ponder on

    Not looking for others to validate ourselves

    We are urged to give without expecting anything in return and to let go ownership of the gift.

    All beings want happiness and freedom from suffering.

    Over countless lifetimes we have been & done allthings, accumulating & feeling the effects ofĀ  karma as we go

    #421840
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arden:

    The first time we communicated was on June 7, 2019,Ā  4 years and three months ago (in 2 days), and our last exchange was in Feb-March this year. I want to respond to this thread, your sixth (and first under your new screen name). This will be a very long post, so please take your time reading it, maybe over a few days. (Italicized quotes are quotes from your 6th, current thread. Italicized and boldfaced quotes are quotes from your previous threads).

    Iā€™ve started doing yoga years and years ago…Ā  in the last 2-3 years, it has been a part of my life… In the..Ā  20ish years, (I) went on with my yoga and it helped me a lot, overcoming my anxiety and all the worries with my exercises that I do at home, also breathing techniques I have learned from yoga. It kept me sane to sum it up, I am thankful and will always have yoga in my life“- yoga has been a part of your life for a long time. It helped you when nothing (and no one) else did.

    Iā€™ve done like 90-150 days streaks where I went on each day with it and count it on my journals… When itā€™s like a streak and youā€™re doing it every day no matter what, you make it for the sake of streak, not the yoga. You are not always in the condition or in the mindset that you will enjoy it“-

    The streaks of yoga (I’ll call it SOY, if I may, for Streaks Of Yoga)-Ā  just the way you did it, in your particular, personal way, for your own personal reasons, for your own personal purpose, working hard at it no matter how you felt (when you didn’t enjoy it, you kept doing it anyway)-Ā  has been your thing, your personal expression.

    There comes my reason for this post, I have a frenemy…Ā  she is a bit overvalued, glorified, and thanks to this overvaluing, she is a bit selfish, ignorant and felt like she was better than everyone else. She doesnā€™t put the work in it but also expects to be better in anyways.. she is liked/ loved a lot.. she had a target, to be able to be seen sexy… she told me that sheā€™ll do streaks like me. I didnā€™t like this idea. I felt like, why donā€™t you go on with your on-point exercises making your body sexier and not my beloved streaks?“-

    – this woman who has so much (she is liked and loved a lot, overvalued by herself and by others) wanted to take away from you the one thing that belongs to you: SOY. She wanted to make it her own: to do it not for her sanity, but so to attract men.

    I am trying to understand why I am doing this gate-keeping on yoga since it’s not my thing to begin with… (I) always wanted my genuine friends to try it since IĀ  know that it is good for both mental and physical health.. But this specific friend made me feel bad about it“- gate keeping means (online definition) to control access to something. Yoga does not belong to you, but SOY does belong to you: it’s your own, personal, individual expression.

    You didn’t mind sharing it with people whom you believed could benefit from it, but this woman, this frenemy, as you refer to her, already has SO MUCH. Why does she want to take away from you the one thing that is yours?

    – Is this your thinking, Arden?

    I am more interested in changing myself so that I wonā€™t feel this way about yoga and her. This state of mind bothered me and I am trying to change it. At least, I am trying to identify which parts of toxicity here belongs with me and not her, and as I identify that, I can maybe change it“- I don’t see it as toxicity. What I see- based on our years-long communication- is a person who has had a weak sense of self, a weak identity for too long. This other woman has a strong sense of identity (however flawed): she thinks very highly of herself, and this is something that you don’t have, but wish you did.

    What I yearn for is to be a bit more careless, a bit more relaxed. I am not like a stressful person, I just know my limits, I act careful to the loved ones, I try not to bother anyone and also take care of myself at all times. But I donā€™t think she cares at all about any of those details“- she expects good things to happen to her without even working hard. You never had that expectation. She EXPRESSES herself, not fearing that doing so will bother others. You SUPPRESS yourself, fearing that expressing yourself will bother others.

    On May 3, 2022, you wrote: ā€œ‘I act responsibly and try not to do mistakes and think of every situation beforehandā€¦ I feel like itā€™s just not fair. And sometimes I cannot get over this feeling. I would want to be more careless about everything“- it takes a strong sense of self to act carefree, to trust your identity to be strong enough and solid enough to not fall apart if you are careless.

    I really want to work on my ego that has created the rivalry here“- an online simple definition of ego: a person’s sense of self esteem or self importance.

    How does one get to feel important enough to express oneself freely? A young child naturally expresses herself or himself freely.. for as long as there is love to depend on. But like you stated in the opening of your second thread on June 22, 2019: “Iā€™ve had a childhood where I simply didnā€™t receive any love from my dad and moms love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappears“. You had no love to depend on, and as a result, you stopped expressing. Instead, you suppressed yourself, being very careful, not at all carefree.

    * In regard to your mother’s love, it was significantly inadequate: “She has an extreme empathy towards animals and innocent people. But then again, when I try to talk about a huge problem in my little world, itā€™s not relatable for her. That was always the case“, notice: that was always the case.

    When as an adult, you’ve received love/ affection, you were afraid of losing it at any time,Ā  can’t depend on it: “I always worry about losing that affection I guess, or that person” (June 2019).

    There are terms that fit me and they fit you too, I believe, although we both made individual improvements recently, I believe): aĀ diminished sense of self/Ā a poorly developed sense of self/ a weak identity. When a child cannot depend on love/ emotional support- when such is absent or significantly inadequate and too unpredictable-Ā  the child’s emotional/ mental development is arrested: it does not develop.

    The following is taken from a spiritual website,Ā lone wolf. com/ sense of self/ 18 signs you have a poorly developed sense of self (in parentheses are quotes from what you shared inĀ  past years) Ā *Losing your sense of self in romantic relationships….Ā Ā Ā *Codependent tendencies Ā * Aimlessness and difficulty setting goals.Ā * Not knowing what to do with your life… * Feeling lost in lifeĀ (Ā I havenā€™t got a clue about what I want in life and in a person/relationship“, June 2019)..*Ā Empathy overload- empathizing too much with others that you lose yourself.Ā (“I cannot rationalize having anger towards (unloving parents) and I donā€™t feel any. Actually, I feel sorry for them, I feel compassion and mercy. I wish I couldā€™ve made their lives better“, July 2020)Ā *Ā Social anxiety- feeling overwhelmed by others because you don’t have a solid identity*Chronic low-grade intense anxiety- due to not feeling at ‘home’ within yourself because you have a weak sense of self…

    *Ā The tendency to be taken advantage of by others (“I thought I was never ā€˜lovedā€™ and when I finally get the love I need, Iā€™ll get better. Because of this mindset, my first two long-term (1.5 years each) relationships were totally illusions. They both kind-of used me and I thought that I was ‘lovedā€™ in some sense“). *Ā Living another person’s definition of ‘happy’ and ‘success (ā€œI have no idea what would make me happy, Iā€™m just programmed in a way to seek success and since I donā€™t know how to seek it, and where to seek it; Iā€™m stuck in between projects or stuff like that and I cannot ever feel satisfied with.Ā So donā€™t know where Iā€™ll go, donā€™t know where Iā€™m standing“, Oct 2020)

    *Ā Disconnection from your true needs, desires, and dreams. (“I cannot dream properly, I cannot make plans“, Oct 2020). *Feelings of emptiness inside” (“Even though I was depressed (as a child), I could motivate myself from time to time to hold on, study… I thought it can get better once I get to a good university, then.. Some people would like me, Iā€™ll find someone to be companions with.. and Iā€™ll feel safe, eventually. All of these happened, the university has come to an end as well. But that mental abyss kept growing“, Oct 2020).<br class=”x_ContentPasted6″ aria-hidden=”true” />
    <p class=”x_ContentPasted2 x_ContentPasted85″>On Oct 25, 2020, I wrote to you: “What happens to a child who.. ‘simply didnā€™t receive any love’… ?.. Waiting, distracting and achieving, she never gets the affection and safety she desperately needs, she is never able to relax long enough so to experience life as an adventure; she doesnā€™t get the opportunity to learn about herself, about what she needs. She has no ‘clue about what (she) wants in life and in a person/ relationship‘, she has ‘no idea what would make (her) happy‘..Ā  Waiting, she is frozen in time, frozen in the craving for affection…”.</p>
    <p class=”x_ContentPasted2″>On July 6, 2021, I wrote to you: ” For a child, a consistent-enough loving attention is like a solid ground that makes it possible for the child to stand up and walk around. A severely inconsistent loving attention is like a very shaky ground, making it too scary for the child to stand up and walk around for fear of falling down”.</p>
    <p class=”x_ContentPasted2″>On Dec 23, 2020, I wrote to you: “Earlier this month, you shared that when you were 13-15, you spent a lot of time alone in your room, doing stuff on the computer… What happens to a child who is alone for too long- she closes in… I donā€™t see your anger/ jealousy regarding this friend/rival as an ‘ego problem’. I see it as a consequence of being alone and lonely for too long, carrying within you this unsatisfied natural longing to connect with others and experience life with others, connected, interacting.. no longer alone”- I don’t remember what friend we were discussing at the time, almost 3 years ago, maybe it’s the same one you shared about in your current thread. Regardless, the jealousy is probably similar or the same: envying those who did not get frozen in time, those who developed and grew to experience life way more fully than you or I ever got the opportunity to experience.</p>
    You are only 25, Arden, so very young in objective terms. It is possible for you, I know it is, to develop much of your frozen self, to strengthen your identity, and to trust it to be strong and solid-enough to allow you to be carefree-enough to walk around and even run on (figurative) solid ground, to explore and experience life in ways you did not dare before.

    anita

    #421841
    anita
    Participant

    * Reposting, hopefully without the excess print:

    Dear Arden:

    The first time we communicated was on June 7, 2019,Ā  4 years and three months ago (in 2 days), and our last exchange was in Feb-March this year. I want to respond to this thread, your sixth (and first under your new screen name). This will be a very long post, so please take your time reading it, maybe over a few days. (Italicized quotesĀ are quotes from your 6th, current thread.Ā Italicized and boldfaced quotesĀ are quotes from your previous threads).

    ā€œIā€™ve started doing yoga years and years agoā€¦Ā  in the last 2-3 years, it has been a part of my lifeā€¦Ā In the..Ā  20ish years, (I) went on with my yoga and it helped me a lot, overcoming my anxiety and all the worries with my exercises that I do at home, also breathing techniques I have learned from yoga. It kept me sane to sum it up, I am thankful and will always have yoga in my lifeā€œ- yoga has been a part of your life for a long time. It helped you when nothing (and no one) else did.

    ā€œIā€™ve done like 90-150 days streaks where I went on each day with it and count it on my journalsā€¦ When itā€™s like a streak and youā€™re doing it every day no matter what, you make it for the sake of streak, not the yoga. You are not always in the condition or in the mindset that you will enjoy itā€œ-

    The streaks of yoga (Iā€™ll call it SOY, if I may, for Streaks Of Yoga)-Ā  just the way you did it, in your particular, personal way, for your own personal reasons, for your own personal purpose, working hard at it no matter how you felt (when you didnā€™t enjoy it, you kept doing it anyway)-Ā  has been your thing, your personal expression.

    ā€œThere comes my reason for this post, I have a frenemyā€¦Ā  she is a bit overvalued, glorified, and thanks to this overvaluing, she is a bit selfish, ignorant and felt like she was better than everyone else. She doesnā€™t put the work in it but also expects to be better in anyways.. she is liked/ loved a lot.. she had a target, to be able to be seen sexyā€¦ she told me that sheā€™ll do streaks like me. I didnā€™t like this idea. I felt like, why donā€™t you go on with your on-point exercises making your body sexier and not my beloved streaks?ā€œ-

    ā€“ this woman who has so much (she is liked and loved a lot, overvalued by herself and by others) wanted to take away from you the one thing that belongs to you: SOY. She wanted to make it her own: to do it not for her sanity, but so to attract men.

    ā€œI am trying to understand why I am doing this gate-keeping on yoga since itā€™s not my thing to begin withā€¦ (I) always wanted my genuine friends to try it since IĀ  know that it is good for both mental and physical health.. But this specific friend made me feel bad about itā€œ- gate keeping means (online definition)Ā to control access to something. Yoga does not belong to you, but SOY does belong to you: itā€™s your own, personal, individual expression.

    You didnā€™t mind sharing it with people whom you believed could benefit from it, but this woman, this frenemy, as you refer to her, already has SO MUCH. Why does she want to take away from you the one thing that is yours?

    ā€“ Is this your thinking, Arden?

    ā€œI am more interested in changing myself so that I wonā€™t feel this way about yoga and her. This state of mind bothered me and I am trying to change it. At least, I am trying to identify which parts of toxicity here belongs with me and not her, and as I identify that, I can maybe change itā€œ- I donā€™t see it as toxicity. What I see- based on our years-long communication- is a person who has hadĀ a weak sense of self, a weak identityĀ for too long. This other woman has a strong sense of identity (however flawed): she thinks very highly of herself, and this is something that you donā€™t have, but wish you did.

    ā€œWhat I yearn for is to be a bit more careless, a bit more relaxed. I am not like a stressful person, I just know my limits, I act careful to the loved ones, I try not to bother anyone and also take care of myself at all times. But I donā€™t think she cares at all about any of those detailsā€œ- she expects good things to happen to her without even working hard. You never had that expectation. She EXPRESSES herself, not fearing that doing so will bother others. You SUPPRESS yourself, fearing that expressing yourself will bother others.

    On May 3, 2022, you wrote: ā€œā€˜I act responsibly and try not to do mistakes and think of every situation beforehandā€¦ I feel like itā€™s just not fair. And sometimes I cannot get over this feeling. I would want to be more careless about everythingā€œ- it takes a strong sense of self to act carefree, to trust your identity to be strong enough and solid enough to not fall apart if you are careless.

    ā€œI really want to work on my ego that has created the rivalry hereā€œ- an online simple definition of ego:Ā a personā€™s sense of self esteem or self importance.

    How does one get to feel important enough to express oneself freely? A young child naturally expresses herself or himself freely.. for as long as there is love to depend on. But like you stated in the opening of your second thread on June 22, 2019: ā€œIā€™ve had a childhood where I simply didnā€™t receive any love from my dad and moms love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappearsā€œ. You had no love to depend on, and as a result, you stopped expressing. Instead, you suppressed yourself, being very careful, not at all carefree.

    * In regard to your motherā€™s love, it was significantly inadequate: ā€œShe has an extreme empathy towards animals and innocent people. But then again, when I try to talk about a huge problem in my little world, itā€™s not relatable for her. That was always the caseā€œ, notice:Ā that was always the case.

    When as an adult, youā€™ve received love/ affection, you were afraid of losing it at any time,Ā  canā€™t depend on it: ā€œI always worry about losing that affection I guess, or that personā€ (June 2019).

    There are terms that fit me and they fit you too, I believe, although we both made individual improvements recently, I believe):Ā aĀ diminished sense of self/Ā a poorly developed sense of self/ a weak identity.Ā When a child cannot depend on love/ emotional support- when such is absent or significantly inadequate and too unpredictable-Ā  the childā€™s emotional/ mental development is arrested: it does not develop.

    The following is taken fromĀ a spiritual website,Ā lone wolf. com/ sense of self/ 18 signs you have a poorly developed sense of selfĀ (in parentheses areĀ quotesĀ from what you shared inĀ  past years)Ā *Losing your sense of self in romantic relationshipsā€¦.Ā Ā Ā *Codependent tendenciesĀ Ā * Aimlessness and difficulty setting goals.Ā * Not knowing what to do with your lifeā€¦ * Feeling lost in lifeĀ (ā€œĀ I havenā€™t got a clue about what I want in life and in a person/relationshipā€œ, June 2019)..*Ā Empathy overload- empathizing too much with others that you lose yourself.Ā (ā€œI cannot rationalize having anger towardsĀ (unloving parents)Ā and I donā€™t feel any. Actually,Ā I feel sorry for them, I feel compassion and mercy. I wish I couldā€™ve made their lives betterā€œ, July 2020)Ā *Ā Social anxiety- feeling overwhelmed by others because you donā€™t have a solid identityā€¦Ā *Chronic low-grade intense anxiety- due to not feeling at ā€˜homeā€™ within yourself because you have a weak sense of selfā€¦

    *Ā The tendency to be taken advantage of by others (ā€œI thought I was never ā€˜lovedā€™ and when I finally get the love I need, Iā€™ll get better. Because of this mindset, my first two long-term (1.5 years each) relationships were totally illusions. They both kind-of used me and I thought that I was ā€˜lovedā€™ in some senseā€œ). *Ā Living another personā€™s definition of ā€˜happyā€™ and ā€˜successĀ (ā€œI have no idea what would make me happy, Iā€™m just programmed in a way to seek success and since I donā€™t know how to seek it, and where to seek it; Iā€™m stuck in between projects or stuff like that and I cannot ever feel satisfied with.Ā So donā€™t know where Iā€™ll go, donā€™t know where Iā€™m standingā€œ, Oct 2020)

    *Ā Disconnection from your true needs, desires, and dreams. (ā€œI cannot dream properly, I cannot make plansā€œ, Oct 2020). *Feelings of emptiness insideā€ (ā€œEven though I was depressed (as a child), I could motivate myself from time to time to hold on, studyā€¦ I thought it can get better once I get to a good university, then.. Some people would like me, Iā€™ll find someone to be companions with.. and Iā€™ll feel safe, eventually. All of these happened, the university has come to an end as well. But that mental abyss kept growingā€œ, Oct 2020).

    On Oct 25, 2020, I wrote to you: ā€œWhat happens to a child who.. ā€˜simply didnā€™t receive any loveā€™ā€¦Ā ?.. Waiting, distracting and achieving, she never gets the affection and safety she desperately needs, she is never able to relax long enough so to experience life as an adventure; she doesnā€™t get the opportunity to learn about herself, about what she needs. She has no ā€˜clue about whatĀ (she)Ā wants in life and in a person/ relationshipā€˜, she has ā€˜no idea what would makeĀ (her)Ā happyā€˜..Ā  Waiting, she is frozen in time, frozen in the craving for affectionā€¦ā€.

    On July 6, 2021, I wrote to you: ā€ For a child, a consistent-enough loving attention is like a solid ground that makes it possible for the child to stand up and walk around. A severely inconsistent loving attention is like a very shaky ground, making it too scary for the child to stand up and walk around for fear of falling downā€.

    On Dec 23, 2020, I wrote to you: ā€œEarlier this month, you shared that when you were 13-15, you spent a lot of time alone in your room, doing stuff on the computerā€¦ What happens to a child who is alone for too long- she closes inā€¦ I donā€™t see your anger/ jealousy regarding this friend/rival as an ā€˜ego problemā€™. I see it as a consequence of being alone and lonely for too long, carrying within you this unsatisfied natural longing to connect with others and experience life with others, connected, interacting.. no longer aloneā€- I donā€™t remember what friend we were discussing at the time, almost 3 years ago, maybe itā€™s the same one you shared about in your current thread. Regardless, the jealousy is probably similar or the same: envying those who did not get frozen in time, those who developed and grew to experience life way more fully than you or I ever got the opportunity to experience.

    You are only 25, Arden, so very young in objective terms. It is possible for you, I know it is, to develop much of your frozen self, to strengthen your identity, and to trust it to be strong and solid-enough to allow you to be carefree-enough to walk around and even run on (figurative) solid ground, to explore and experience life in ways you did not dare before.

    anita

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