Dear Rhonda:

I will read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer tomorrow morning (in about 9 hours from now).

anita

Dear Rhonda:

You are very welcome. I am sorry for all your losses: both parents, two grandparents, and a friend. No wonder, following all these losses and being really depressed,  that you need your boyfriend’s support, particularly being that you are a single mother and expectant mother of a second child.

In your recent post you stated your goal very clearly and asked a question: “I want to try everything possible to make this work… keep us as his family…  get the older friend to back off…  I’m asking, ‘how?’…  do not know the right way to go about this“- I am re-reading all that you shared so to try to answer your question. I’ll refer to your boyfriend (now 25)  as B and to the elderly man (now 73) as E. In all of the following quotes I will substitute your references to the two men with “B” &” E”, for simpler reading.

First thing, you wrote: “Recently E refused to watch my son for me to take B on a 12 hour ride to his new job but jumped to take B  himself“- I wouldn’t leave my 6-year-old boy alone with E for any amount of time, given E’s sexual behavior five years ago in regard to the then 19 or 20-year-old B. B was only a boy then (and still, I imagine) from the perspective of the elderly E.

I will now go over what you shared: B used to do drugs and he “used people (men and women) through sexual favors to get rides and money“. At 20, B was in a bad situation and E, 68 at the time, asked B “if B wanted to change his life“. At this point, Rhonda, I am thinking of the 19-20-year-old B as a scared,  desperate young man, only a year removed from being a teenager.. practically not yet an adult. He is very much alone, no support from family… and this father-grandfather figure shows up promising support. B’s reaction to E’s offer: “B left with E that night“. B left with E because he thought that E meant help and safety.

“E went with B on the roads and allowed B to do all the same stuff he was doing“, and “took care of B and provided a ride to jobs“. Fast forward five years,  “they’ve been super close ever since“. The nature of their closeness, from B’s perspective: “B says that E is part of the family and isn’t going anywhere… They tell each other they love each other every single time they talk… There have been times B playfully slapped E’s butt or flirtatiously poked at him. There have been long eye gazing…B said E’s’ like a father figure“- I would like to think that a father-son/ parent-child relationship means no sexual innuendos, talk and behavior, but… very unfortunately, this is not the world we live in: it happens that there is sex between some parents and their biological children (of minor and adult age), aka incest,  so it is not surprising that sex takes place between some older people and the desperate younger people looking up to the older ones as parent-figures.

You mentioned that E is a closet-gay man who made his true sexual orientation known to B. You mentioned another gay guy, I’ll refer to him as G: “The night B and I met, B had invited G over at the same time of inviting me over. At the end of the night G found out we were leaving together and (G said to B), I quote:  ‘Bitch you’re not going anywhere with her. You’re coming with me.’ … Later I found texts… where B promised they’d have fun together if G would give him a ride“- I am not an expert, but it is my understanding that in the gay glossary, the term bit**  refers to a sexually submissive gay guy, the one to offer certain sexual services rather than the one to receive such. This is something for you to consider in regard to B’s sexual behavior.

“I recently found out that B had past sexual experiences with men (mostly receiving oral for money or rides from the other party)“- B may have been embarrassed to share with you that he has been offering this act to men, rather than receiving it. Perhaps he does both, I don’t know.

“Since we’ve met B completely changed into a hard working family man that I’m proud of. My only problem is E that can’t respect boundaries… I worry B’s faking everything with me to use me like he used a lot of other people but at the same time he spends a lot of time with me in person and on the phone and we have a good sex life. B said that…“- it doesn’t matter to me what E told you because I don’t trust him to be a decent or an honest person. In regard to B’s sexuality, seems to me that he is a bi-sexual man who enjoys sex both with women (he got you pregnant as well as another woman in Arizona), and with men. Any time he goes on the road, I wouldn’t trust him to not have sex with men, if I was you. Please be careful in regard to STDs, particularly the chronic ones (ex. Herpes) and the potentially lethal ones (ex. Aids).

I think that B had a very disturbing family life growing up and that he has been confusing love and sex: confusing the sexual pleasure he gives and receives with.. giving and receiving love.

And now to your goal & question: “I want to try everything possible to make this work… keep us as his family…  get the older friend to back off..  I’m asking, ‘how?’…  do not know the right way to go about this“-

– I gave this a lot of thought and I can’t think of any other suggestion than this: shop for a relationship psychotherapist who has lots of experience counseling the LGBTQ community, a community where your boyfriend (B) and his “best friend” (E) belong, and attend counseling with your boyfriend (relationship counseling aka couple relationship).

I wish I had an easier answer or suggestion, one that will make you feel better right away… but I don’t. Do you, having read this reply, have an idea or ideas that didn’t cross my mind, in regard to your goal and question?

* One more thing: why doesn’t your boyfriend drive or.. able to own a car, at this point?

anita

The last one was for Anita.

dear Tee,

Thank you for your opinion. You are correct. It may just boil brown to being black and white in deciding just to leave. I am searching for that answer. If I find it I’ll update you all to let you know how this turns out. I don’t want a life based on a lie. He asked today why we don’t go ahead and get married. I told him that I want to make sure he’s doing it for the right reasons and not just to make it look good to get his daughter back. Also, I want to figure out this thing with his friend and whether or not we need to continue trying to make this work because I won’t be constantly disrespected in my relationship and not be able to stand up for myself. He told me he thinks everything about it is dumb and childish including the way his friend is acting. I told him he’s the only one who can do anything about it. I got silence from him and a subject change. We will see. I just don’t have any answers right now. I know if my mom and dad were here I’d have people in my corner, but sadly I was/am the ideal target. No family, a stable environment, a good job, a vehicle, and a trusting demeanor that attracts the opposite. He did just spend his first in a long time check on bills. I’m thankful I can trust him with money. If this does go bad I’ve often contemplated on how I’d handle him coming out to me or telling me he is bisexual. I’ve came to the conclusion that I’d support his decision because if he lived any other way he wouldn’t be happy either. We’d handle custody and financial arrangements for the baby in a very civil way with or without court. If he got the baby part time I wouldn’t request child support, my first sons father and I are friends. He’s just an alcoholic. Without the alcohol he’s a good person as well. Just because someone has a different outlook on life or different desires doesn’t make them a bad person, and those kids will love them no matter how much I was hurt or no matter what they choose to be or what they choose to do. What needs to be seen will be when the time is right. Love and understanding is the ultimate goal here because there are kids involved. I want them to know how to treat people different from them. So it looks like it’s a lose lose situation, but given the right perspective it can always be a win win. I know I can afford the bills on my own if I give a few things Up. I know that we’d both be good parents. The question is, would we be good together if this situation continues like it has? The answer is ‘no’.  So we would do the parenting separately with rules and boundaries. If they can’t be respected then I’d get court involved.

Also, it’s very sad because my son loves hanging out with my boyfriends friend. I do not feel any foul play when it comes to my son. I’ve asked him questions just in case. He hasn’t stayed more than an hour there, and he watches tv and plays with his cars. Since all this my boyfriends friend decided he’s not comfortable watching my son anymore. We paid him, and he watched him because I was trying to look at him as a grandpa figure. My son lost all his grand parents. It’s just a hard situation.

Hello Tee,

He did threaten to leave if I didn’t drop the whole thing. It’s very possible they’ve done things in the past sexually. My boyfriend was working industrial construction working for shut downs. He’d travel all over the US. He changed his career in July to go work on the oil field so he’s currently 5 hours away and it’s a 5 hour drive back.

I do believe you are right in saying I was lonely. He wouldn’t give up chasing me, and I hated where I lived (in a bad apartment in a bad area.) So we have moved an hour away from where I was living closer to people we know. We are now in a house. So B and I live together with my 6 year old. I’m only 4 months pregnant. Preganancy harmones have not helped my situation.

B has changed, but I’m not sure if it’s temporary to get his daughter (because I’m a good appearance for the courts). In December the court approves of denies whether he will get her or not . I do believe that the case worker sees what’s going on though. I hope she does. I don’t want to intervene on a child custody case. B’s parents claim they’ll take care of her while he’s at work because I’ll have my newborn and the 6 year old. I know I can’t do it all with a newborn, my son, and his 8 month old daughter. He makes me feel bad about that and so do his parents. I have a full time job, and on top of that his daughter is special needs. I have no expertise in that. She’s currently 7 months old and can’t crawl because of her issues. She attends therapy often. I don’t believe them taking care of her at all to be true because they just moved. Their house isn’t ready with anything in it. It’s a mess. His mom is gone all the time as a traveling nurse and his dad only has a very low percentage of his heart left and is not a patient person. He’s very mean. Given the facts it’s very hard for me to believe that it’s love. Since there’s a chance I’m staying to find out. So there is a huge other issue with us besides just E getting in the way. It’s really hard to deal with it all. A mutual gay friend of mine and B’s has confirmed my suspicion and said he knows E well enough (they’ve been friends for a long time) that he knows he’s in love with my boyfriend. That is why E comes to B’s defense over anything. He’s actually offered to talk to them both and me and B together. We will call our mutual friend R. I’m pretty happy about that. He’s a genuine good friend who really just wants to help.I’m anxious to see what happens because both B and E listen to R and have spilled beans to him. I’ll keep you updated and appreciate all of your input.

Dear Rhonda,

you’re welcome. I am sorry things are complicated with his 8-month daughter as well. What is with her mother? She isn’t fit to be a parent?

It’s not right from him or his parents to accuse you of having reservations about caring about his daughter, who has special needs:

I know I can’t do it all with a newborn, my son, and his 8 month old daughter. He makes me feel bad about that and so do his parents. I have a full time job, and on top of that his daughter is special needs.

They promise they’ll take care of her while B is working, but as you say, his mother is a traveling nurse and his father is quite mean… so they might not be able to deliver on that promise. And it’s quite a lot to take on someone else’s disabled child. It may sound cruel to say, but that’s the reality, at least in my opinion. Btw, with whom is his daughter living now?

B has changed, but I’m not sure if it’s temporary to get his daughter (because I’m a good appearance for the courts)

People don’t change so quickly. When the two of you met, which was not that long ago, I assume, he was still doing sexual favors for men. His daughter was either on the way, or she was already born when the two of you met. So becoming a father for the first time hasn’t really changed him. I am not so sure that it changed him the second time around either… He might be using you not only to get custody of his daughter, but also to have you as her primary care-taker.

The fact that he is already blaming you for having second thoughts about her care is not a good sign. He sees it as your duty, while it shouldn’t be your duty. If you marry him, this would tie you even further into the role of her daughter’s care-taker, and I am afraid this is what he is after… so be very very cautious. Don’t let yourself to be dragged into a very unfavorable arrangement, which will be very hard to move out from.

People do indeed change, but as I said, it doesn’t happen over night. And the fact that he is so protective of E and wants to keep him close although the old man is pining for him – tells me that he hasn’t really changed in any significant way. It seems to me more and more that he is trying to use you, Rhonda.

I’m just that person that believes everyone deserves a second chance and until I’ve given him a fair trial at one I can’t give up.

That’s noble of you, but I am afraid that the longer you stay with him and the more chance you give him, it might get worse. Because so far he got you pregnant rather quickly, and now he wants to marry you and have you care of his daughter… If you say yes, believing he deserves “another chance”, it might leave you in an even more difficult place, I am afraid.

I found out from mine and B’s mutual friend R confirmed that E never goes for guys his own age. He is shallow and wants them young and hot. Now that I think about it- it does seem very creepy and makes me cringe. I just found this piece of information out yesterday when R and I talked. He said in a couple days time E had sex with 7 younger men. This was before B came in the picture. R had been friends with E for way longer than E and B. E treats R less than when B is around now he said, and E always takes B’s side because he’s in love with him. E has no regard for me and my feelings.

Dear Rhonda:

I read the 9 posts submitted since I wrote to you last and I am dizzy.

You wrote in your note to me: “I really, really appreciate being able to get this out and having someone understand both sides without judgment… It may just boil down to being black and white in deciding just to leave“- you are welcome. And indeed, I have resisted judgment for as long as I could. I then expanded my non-judgmental attitude to the max, and having reached that max, I say: as far as the question to stay with him or to leave–  this is as black-and-white a situation as can be: leave and do so as soon as possible.

(1) Unfortunately, B suffered from a left-side brain traumatic injury (tbi) 20 years ago, and he still shows symptoms (you wrote:  “If you read up on TBI’s he matches all of the effects. He’s sporadic, unpredictable, and half the time acts age 15 in maturity“)- not a good candidate to stay with. A mother of 2 needs a steady, predictable and mature man, the opposites of B.

“Honestly, I can’t do it on my own without a support system“- B is as close to being a support system as drought is to growing food from the ground.

flint rehab. com: regarding the left side of the brain: “Some functions controlled by the left hemisphere include: * Logic and reasoning * … * Analytic thought * Language comprehension *…  * Sequential thinking“-  My empathy is with B for suffering from tbi, but you cannot reverse his injury by staying with him,  and it is not your job to try to make it up to him for his injury, not any more than it is your job to make it up to any person with permanently (so it seems) compromised cognitive and emotional functioning. If you feel lots of empathy for sufferers of tbi, you can help tbi causes by donating money or volunteering in some capacity. But if you stay with B, you will not be able to help him. Instead, you will be harming yourself and your children.

(2) He may get custody of his significantly disabled, special needs 8-months-old daughter who was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and if he does, you will be the one taking care of her in addition to taking care of your 6-year-old and a newborn… and in addition to having a full-time job (is this even possible for you to do all that?)

(3) You wrote: “he’d been with a lot of women and men and had a few STD’s… He was sleeping with his daughter’s mother when she was on drugs and alcohol“- B has/ had multiple partners, and the mother of his daughter probably did as well, given that she lived on the streets and was on drugs (and still is)… I doubt either one used protection while having sex. The more you stay with B, the higher your risk of deadly STDs- not a good thing for you, nor is it a good thing for your children.

(4) “He got DUIs in his past and has a suspended license. After December he can pay to have them given back“-being that he is “sporadic. unpredictable” (your words), there is no reason to predict that he will keep his driver’s license if and when it is reinstated.

(5)  “I finally exploded and looked like the bad guy. I still got called crazy and was threatened to be left if I didn’t drop it. It’s a very tight rope“- better get off that tight rope ASAP and stand on solid ground. Otherwise, you will end up exploding again and again,  being called crazy by a man who is too far from being sane.

“I don’t want a life based on a lie“- life with him is and will be based on mental, emotional and practical dysfunction.

“He did just spend his first in a long time check on bills. I’m thankful I can trust him with money“- too fast to trust a sporadic and unpredictable individual following a first act, isn’t it?

“A mutual gay friend of mine and B’s has confirmed my suspicion and said he knows E well enough (they’ve been friends for a long time)… He’s actually offered to talk to them both and me and B together. We will call our mutual friend R. I’m pretty happy about that. He’s a genuine good friend who really just wants to help…. E never goes for guys his own age. He is shallow and wants them young and hot. Now that I think about it- it does seem very creepy and makes me cringe”-

– If R has been a friend of E for “a long time“, R is not “a genuine good friend” or a genuine good person. If he was a genuine good person, he wouldn’t be able to stomach being E’s friend for a long time (he would have cringed, like you cringed). E is a bad man not because of his sexual orientation but because he chooses to take sexual advantage of men, and even worse: he takes sexual advantage of men who are a third of his age, only a couple of years removed from their teenage years.

“I was trying to look at E as a grandpa figure. My son lost all his grandparents“-  I understand that you wish that E could be a grandpa figure to your 6-year-old, but wishing doesn’t make it so. If you wished that cyanide was sugar and added it to a cake… it wouldn’t be much of a party, would it…?

As I was reading your posts, Rhonda, I asked myself: how is it that an intelligent woman such as yourself (your writing is organized and evident of intelligence and education), considers making a life with a man like B…  and most recently, trusting a man like R.  Is it wishful thinking (as I mentioned right above),  wishing reality what it isn’t?

* “Honestly I’ve wanted to really come clean about my concerns to the case worker, but I don’t feel it’s my business. Any advice on a right answer for that part?“- yes, please come clean to the case worker, for the sake of the 8-months old girl. It is the right thing to do, just as it is the right thing for you and for your children to leave B and E… and find a better way, a better life.

anita

You’re welcome, Rhonda. I wish you best of luck, and if you need to talk about anything, please write.