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Rhonda

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  • #409381
    Rhonda
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for your input.

    #409341
    Rhonda
    Participant

    I found out from mine and Bā€™s mutual friend R confirmed that E never goes for guys his own age. He is shallow and wants them young and hot. Now that I think about it- it does seem very creepy and makes me cringe. I just found this piece of information out yesterday when R and I talked. He said in a couple days time E had sex with 7 younger men. This was before B came in the picture. R had been friends with E for way longer than E and B. E treats R less than when B is around now he said, and E always takes Bā€™s side because heā€™s in love with him. E has no regard for me and my feelings.

    #409340
    Rhonda
    Participant

    He was sleeping with his daughters mother when she was on drugs and alcohol on the streets with 2 boys. He said he felt obligated to help but that he didnā€™t know she was running from DCFS for 2 years with the 2 boys that she already had. She stayed drunk and high the whole time that she was pregnant causing his daughter to be born in March with fetal alcohol syndrome. Sheā€™s still not sober, and she has no chance of getting custody of her. The daughter is in temporary DCFS foster care. B gets to video chat her and is currently waiting on the judge to say whether or not he gets custody December 21st. Itā€™s a very sad case. I came in the picture the day after his daughter was born in Arizona. I had no idea he had a daughter until I met him and she showed me a picture and told me the story. But his dad called me and said, if you donā€™t want his daughter or the baby in your stomach we will take them both! I got highly pissed because I never said any of that. I just expressed my concerns with not being able to care for all of them. When we met he was still getting sexual favors for rides because I found the texts. I am very worried. If you met him youā€™d understand why itā€™s such a hard decision. Heā€™s very very hard to read because heā€™s so much different from others given his TBI. I figure Iā€™ll know what to do after he gets custody of his daughter or not and judge by actions on how they go about the care arrangements. His dad refuses to believe she has special needs when it was clearly stated. They never call and check on her so I find it very hard to believe that B would get 50% custody and his parents 50% custody. Honestly I donā€™t think they want it by lack of effort and pretty much refusing to go to Arizona for court. Itā€™s a dysfunctional family. His father would call me fat (Iā€™m only 4 months pregnant and 150 pounds) when Iā€™d go over there. Heā€™s very verbally abusive to everyone. Iā€™m not sure why he should be able to raise a special needs daughter. Honestly Iā€™ve wanted to really come clean about my concerns to the case worker, but I donā€™t feel itā€™s my business. Any advise on a right answer for that part? Im not marrying him for at least 2 years, and thatā€™s if he proves himself. I worry also given his past with drugs these 2 babies will stress him out to going back to them. Iā€™ve never seen him handle babies, and I donā€™t know if heā€™s fighting for his daughter for right or wrong reasons. He bragged to everyone how heā€™s getting her, and I worry itā€™s for show instead of love. Same with his parents.

    #409337
    Rhonda
    Participant

    Another piece of information is that my boyfriend has a TBI (left lobe internal traumatic brain injury). He had a 4-wheeler accident when he was 5 and a screw went through his brain. He had surgery and wore a helmet for a couple years. If you read up on TBIā€™s he matches all of the effects. Heā€™s sporadic, unpredictable, and half the time acts age 15 in maturity. This is another reason why Iā€™ve made excuses for him. I canā€™t help but wonder if this accident altered the way he sees love and relationships or if he did just have some strange stuff sexually happen to him growing up. Besides his TBI I donā€™t know anything about past medical history besides that heā€™d been with a lot of women and men and had a few STDā€™s heā€™d been able to get ride of with shots or pills. Iā€™m just that person that believes everyone deserves a second chance and until Iā€™ve given him a fair trial at one I canā€™t give up.

    #409336
    Rhonda
    Participant

    Hello Tee,

    He did threaten to leave if I didnā€™t drop the whole thing. Itā€™s very possible theyā€™ve done things in the past sexually. My boyfriend was working industrial construction working for shut downs. Heā€™d travel all over the US. He changed his career in July to go work on the oil field so heā€™s currently 5 hours away and itā€™s a 5 hour drive back.

     

    I do believe you are right in saying I was lonely. He wouldnā€™t give up chasing me, and I hated where I lived (in a bad apartment in a bad area.) So we have moved an hour away from where I was living closer to people we know. We are now in a house. So B and I live together with my 6 year old. Iā€™m only 4 months pregnant. Preganancy harmones have not helped my situation.

    B has changed, but Iā€™m not sure if itā€™s temporary to get his daughter (because Iā€™m a good appearance for the courts). In December the court approves of denies whether he will get her or not . I do believe that the case worker sees whatā€™s going on though. I hope she does. I donā€™t want to intervene on a child custody case. Bā€™s parents claim theyā€™ll take care of her while heā€™s at work because Iā€™ll have my newborn and the 6 year old. I know I canā€™t do it all with a newborn, my son, and his 8 month old daughter. He makes me feel bad about that and so do his parents. I have a full time job, and on top of that his daughter is special needs. I have no expertise in that. Sheā€™s currently 7 months old and canā€™t crawl because of her issues. She attends therapy often. I donā€™t believe them taking care of her at all to be true because they just moved. Their house isnā€™t ready with anything in it. Itā€™s a mess. His mom is gone all the time as a traveling nurse and his dad only has a very low percentage of his heart left and is not a patient person. Heā€™s very mean. Given the facts itā€™s very hard for me to believe that itā€™s love. Since thereā€™s a chance Iā€™m staying to find out. So there is a huge other issue with us besides just E getting in the way. Itā€™s really hard to deal with it all. A mutual gay friend of mine and Bā€™s has confirmed my suspicion and said he knows E well enough (theyā€™ve been friends for a long time) that he knows heā€™s in love with my boyfriend. That is why E comes to Bā€™s defense over anything. Heā€™s actually offered to talk to them both and me and B together. We will call our mutual friend R. Iā€™m pretty happy about that. Heā€™s a genuine good friend who really just wants to help.Iā€™m anxious to see what happens because both B and E listen to R and have spilled beans to him. Iā€™ll keep you updated and appreciate all of your input.

    #409331
    Rhonda
    Participant

    The last one was for Anita.

    dear Tee,

    Thank you for your opinion. You are correct. It may just boil brown to being black and white in deciding just to leave. I am searching for that answer. If I find it Iā€™ll update you all to let you know how this turns out. I donā€™t want a life based on a lie. He asked today why we donā€™t go ahead and get married. I told him that I want to make sure heā€™s doing it for the right reasons and not just to make it look good to get his daughter back. Also, I want to figure out this thing with his friend and whether or not we need to continue trying to make this work because I wonā€™t be constantly disrespected in my relationship and not be able to stand up for myself. He told me he thinks everything about it is dumb and childish including the way his friend is acting. I told him heā€™s the only one who can do anything about it. I got silence from him and a subject change. We will see. I just donā€™t have any answers right now. I know if my mom and dad were here Iā€™d have people in my corner, but sadly I was/am the ideal target. No family, a stable environment, a good job, a vehicle, and a trusting demeanor that attracts the opposite. He did just spend his first in a long time check on bills. Iā€™m thankful I can trust him with money. If this does go bad Iā€™ve often contemplated on how Iā€™d handle him coming out to me or telling me he is bisexual. Iā€™ve came to the conclusion that Iā€™d support his decision because if he lived any other way he wouldnā€™t be happy either. Weā€™d handle custody and financial arrangements for the baby in a very civil way with or without court. If he got the baby part time I wouldnā€™t request child support, my first sons father and I are friends. Heā€™s just an alcoholic. Without the alcohol heā€™s a good person as well. Just because someone has a different outlook on life or different desires doesnā€™t make them a bad person, and those kids will love them no matter how much I was hurt or no matter what they choose to be or what they choose to do. What needs to be seen will be when the time is right. Love and understanding is the ultimate goal here because there are kids involved. I want them to know how to treat people different from them. So it looks like itā€™s a lose lose situation, but given the right perspective it can always be a win win. I know I can afford the bills on my own if I give a few things Up. I know that weā€™d both be good parents. The question is, would we be good together if this situation continues like it has? The answer is ā€˜noā€™. Ā So we would do the parenting separately with rules and boundaries. If they canā€™t be respected then Iā€™d get court involved.

     

    Also, itā€™s very sad because my son loves hanging out with my boyfriends friend. I do not feel any foul play when it comes to my son. Iā€™ve asked him questions just in case. He hasnā€™t stayed more than an hour there, and he watches tv and plays with his cars. Since all this my boyfriends friend decided heā€™s not comfortable watching my son anymore. We paid him, and he watched him because I was trying to look at him as a grandpa figure. My son lost all his grand parents. Itā€™s just a hard situation.

    #409330
    Rhonda
    Participant

    I really appreciate your input on this! I think youā€™re absolutely right. I have been looking for couples counseling for us. I just want answers and the truth. I think that is the closest way Iā€™ll get that. I thought about him being bisexual and not telling the whole story as well.

    He got DUIs in his past and has a suspended license. After December he can pay to have them given back. Your description was very detailed, and I understood everything. It was very accurate. This wonā€™t be an overnight fix. It will take time, and might consist of B coming out of the closet. Iā€™m not sure. I hope with everything that we are wrong, but itā€™s so much there I just donā€™t see that as being the outcome. Im preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I really really appreciate being able to get this out and having someone understand both sides without judgement. Just that takes a lot off of me. I hadnā€™t been able to talk about it. I finally exploded and looked like the bad guy. I still got called crazy and was threatened to be left if I didnā€™t drop it. Itā€™s a very tight rope. Thereā€™s also my vehicle at stake. When he wants to go somewhere and I donā€™t want to go I tell him no to taking my car. He gets mad and calls E to come get him and take him. Im now using your letters for their names. It is much easier. Itā€™s all just out me in a very odd, unique, and uncomfortable position.

    #409256
    Rhonda
    Participant

    It is disturbing about the age difference, and thatā€™s why it took so long for me to see it. Honestly, I canā€™t do it on my own without a support system. In the last 5 years Iā€™ve lost both parents, 2 grandmothers, and friends to death. Im pretty beat, and I just donā€™t want to try to do it alone. Iā€™ve been really depressed, and I know Iā€™m not ready to take on a newborn and 6 year old completely by myself. So I want to try everything possible to make this work. My boyfriend works, and has totally changed so that he can keep us as his family. I honestly believe if I can get the older friend to back off that Iā€™d feel more secure. Doing that Is where Iā€™m asking, ā€œhow?ā€ I do not want to disrespect my elderly in anyway, but enough is enough. I just do not know the right way to go about this. Thank you for your perspective and guidance!

    #409133
    Rhonda
    Participant

    Discussed in what way? I respectfully confronted him about everything. He denied everything, got mad, and now acts super petty. Iā€™m talking about the 73 year old best friend of my boyfriends. What should I do? My boyfriend said heā€™s like a father figure, but I know the old man sees my boyfriend more like a lover. Itā€™s very uncomfortable around them.

    #409110
    Rhonda
    Participant

    I have the same but different issue. Iā€™d like closure on. My boyfriendā€™s(age 25) gay best friend (age 73) is in the closet gay but totally opened to my boyfriend. My boyfriend used drugs back in his past and used people (men and women) through sexual favors to get rides and money. This best friend met my boyfriend 5 years ago in a bad situation and asked if he wanted to change his life. My boyfriend left with him that night and Ā theyā€™ve been super close ever since. But his gay best friend went with him on the roads and allowed him to do all the same stuff he was doing. The guy took care of my boyfriend and provided a ride to jobs. To this day if my boyfriend says jump this guy jumps. I recently found out that my boyfriend had past sexual experiences with men (mostly receiving oral for money or rides from the other party). The problem I had was the night my boyfriend and I met he had invited another gay guy over at the same time of inviting me over. At the end of the night that gay guy found out we were leaving together and said I quote: ā€œ Bitch youā€™re not going anywhere with her. Youā€™re coming with me.ā€ I instantly said I think itā€™s time for me to leave. My boyfriend said that guy must be on something. Later I found texts from earlier that first night we met where my boyfriend promised theyā€™d have fun together if the rude guy would give him a ride. Iā€™m not sure why I made excuses or stayed but now I am pregnant by him and found all this out after I became pregnant. Also, the original gay best friend I mentioned has seriously crossed boundaries in our relationship by saying sexual possessive comments about my boyfriend where I can hear behind my boyfriends back. Recently he refused to watch my son for me to take my boyfriend on a 12 hour ride to his new job but jumped to take him himself. He was being very petty. I tried nicely and respectfully talking to the gay best friend how I felt disrespected. He got mad and wouldnā€™t talk to me about anything and denied everything I had noticed. So I actually apologized thinking maybe Iā€™m just crazy like my bf says. The pettiness has gotten worse, and my boyfriend says that this gay best friend is part of the family and isnā€™t going anywhere. Theyā€™ve only been friends since 2018 and they tell each other they love eachother every single time they talk. I find it very weird. I often feel like maybe they are in love with eachother secretively. There have been times my boyfriend playfully slapped his gay friends butt or flirtatiously poked at him. There have been long eye gazing that makes me feel uncomfortable. I really donā€™t know what to do or what to think. Iā€™m pregnant with this guys kid, all my family has died, and Iā€™ve been a single mom for a while before this living on my own with my own place, own car and a good job. Since weā€™ve met he completely changed into a hard working family man that Iā€™m proud of. My only problem is this gay best friend that canā€™t respect boundaries. My boyfriend also has a daughter born in Arizona heā€™s about to get custody of, and I worry heā€™s faking everything with me to use me like he used a lot of other people but at the same time he spends a lot of time with me in person and on the phone and we have a good sex life. Our mutual gay best friend said that my boyfriend has flirted with him and he had to shut it down because he knows my boyfriend claims to be straight so itā€™s annoying to him and he doesnā€™t understand why a straight guy would go that far. Iā€™m very confused on what to do.

Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)