October 18, 2018 at 5:11 pm #231761
It’s quite a story but my heart is broken and I feel lost as to what to do. I really could use some advise.
My adult son, who lives in another country, has not spoken to me for almost a year now. He is my first son and he had a difficult childhood growing up and even though I have made continuous improvements with myself and have turned my life around more than 12 years ago….I now realize, he still holds a lot of resentment. Since he moved to the UK to live with his father 7 yrs ago, we have tried to stay connected through phone calls, skype and social media. We both weren’t financially in the position to be able to visit each other but we always had such great conversations, never argued or disagreed and we seemed to be doing so well. He would even confide in me and seek my advise whenever he had girlfriend issues. I missed him terribly all the time and felt so guilty that I didn’t have enough money to visit for birthdays or christmas. It was very difficult for me to have him so far away and always feared that somehow we would lose each other. He joined the British Army 4yrs ago and was finally able to come home to visit for a couple of weeks. We had a great time…we had good conversations and he was very affectionate and sweet. We promised each other we would make it a point to take turns visiting each other every year…if we could. The following year I was able to save enough and my youngest & I went to visit him in London. It was the most amazing 10 days and my heart was happy…we were making it work and we were a family no matter how far apart we were from each other. Then he met a girl. We were making plans for him to come home for christmas….first christmas in over 5 years! We were excited but he wasn’t sure if he could afford the flight. I offered to pay half. 2 weeks later he tells me he is bringing her with him…he wants me to meet her. I was thrilled. We started making plans on what to do…they were only visiting for 6 days. I wanted to make a good impression. We live in a small 2 br apartment but we made it work. She was lovely and sweet but there were moments of tension. They would argue about money but she wanted to shop. I offered to pay for all of our outings and activities, drove them anywhere they wanted to go. He was getting frustrated with me because I would ask them to not argue about money…that we should just enjoy the time we have together instead and that everything would be ok. I just wanted us all to be happy & cheerful and not worry about money. I was getting frustrated too but tried my hardest to hide it. Maybe tried too hard to please them both but at them same time trying to spend precious time with him. On their last day she insisted she wanted to go shopping one more time so I dropped them off at the mall. I was exhausted mentally & emotionally so I really need to rest. They were gone for more than 8 hours shopping and I guess she had a credit card. They came back with several bags from expensive name brand stores. In the back of my mind I was confused and furious…all that arguing and making me feel sorry for them & paying for everything…and she has a credit card? I was more disappointed that this whole time we could’ve had our time together spent without the tension and constant arguing!! I said nothing about it…I suggested we have dinner together…it is after all out last night before they leave in the morning. He turns around and says no…they want to be alone and do not want to have a family dinner. I was really hurt and told him that was not fair…his brother & I would like to have more evening with him…who knows how long it will before we will be together again. All of a sudden he snaps back at me and tells me : We have spent enough time together as a family….isn’t 4 days enough? You can’t control me anymore!! This was supposed to be a vacation with her! and slams the door shut. He message me 30 min later and says; I’m beyond upset…I can’t believe you did this to us. ??????????????? What?! The next day…we have pancake breakfast at Grandma’s and he will not make eye contact….at all. He’s talking to everyone else but me…and you could cut the air with the amount of tension. His eyes…the look on his face is full of resentment and almost hate! My heart is broken completely…but there is no time and she is hanging on him with this smile on her face and her brand new pandora bracelet.
Since then…he has ignored all my emails, phone calls and has even blocked me from all social media sites. Please….what would you do and how do I ” heal ” from this? What do I do? I will never give up on him. I miss him terribly!October 19, 2018 at 7:31 am #231877
He and his girlfriend argued about money during their visit, meaning she wanted to spend more of it shopping and he didn’t want her to do so. Eventually, she won and shopped for eight hours. She won, he lost. He felt angry, controlled by her. Next thing he said to you: “You can’t control me anymore!”-
reads to me that he shifted his anger from being directed at her to being directed at you. He felt that she controlled him so he blamed you for controlling him. I suppose he feels that he needs her way more than he needs you, his attachment is with her, so he gave in to her and releases his tension in the interactions with you.
What can you do… there is nothing you can do, do you agree that there is nothing you can do?
anitaOctober 19, 2018 at 10:05 am #231935
Anita: I know you are right…deep down I already know I can’t do anything…especially since we are worlds apart as well. I’m just starting to feel panicked and worried that the longer this goes on…I don’t want to lose him completely. I’m hoping to make a trip to see a friend near London next year and try to send a white flag message to him to meet me…without his girlfriend, so we can talk. I hope he will accept my inviting to talk if I’m physically there. I have to try something. Thank you AnitaOctober 19, 2018 at 10:33 am #231953
You are welcome.
A child’s attachment to his mother cannot be underestimated, not only in childhood but through adulthood. I suppose he switched that attachment somewhat to his girlfriend, as it often happens. What you shared about his interactions with you before the recent visit leads me to think that the two of you will see each other again and talk, many times.
I would suggest that you wait for his relationship with his girlfriend to either end or calm down. When he is less stressed in the context of the relationship with her, he will become more available to you.
And do post again anytime you’d like. I will be glad to reply.
anitaOctober 20, 2018 at 11:16 am #232271
Ah, and so enters the girlfriend. LOL. I have a son almost same exact story except different location. Early, mid-twenties i would guess? I am struggling with the same. I few things I have concluded about my situation. I don’t stop reaching out even though he doesn’t respond. I have decided not to give him the excuse as to why he gives up on our relationship. I.E. “My mom never calls, texts, emails, etc.” I have to have a little faith and trust that I did teach him better than to succumb to immature needs and wants that are his girlfriend right how. My son’s girlfriend expects us to take care of them financially-even pay for their rent. She seems to think they are entitled to have us help them when they both decided to quite their jobs in the same month with no money in savings and without other jobs. Then when we didn’t help to assist with letting them feel the pinch of not having money, able to pay for rent, etc…when SHE EXPECTED IT (much like your son’s girlfriend), she has convinced him not to interact with us at all and that we are the enemy. REALLY? I feel it is a high level of growing that needs to happen on their part. I can’t help them learn those lessons. The only things I can do is just honor his path and let him make the decisions. The decisions that I am sure are only going to end in heartache. The other thing an Aunt suggested which my husband and I have tried, is that when he does pick up the phone when we call, we don’t ask about the girlfriend, we don’t acknowledge the emotions, etc., we simply ask about him and how he is doing. We still invite him to our family get togethers, but know that he won’t respond or show up. We just know that right now he is living his life on his own, regardless of my feelings about wanting to be part of it. Hang in there. They don’t stay away forever. If he has half a brain he will realize that over time his girlfriend’s behavior isn’t healthy and will get away from it. Let your life move forward in happiness and joy and simply honor him from afar if that is all you can do. That is all I seem to be able to do now. Hope it helps, stay strong and smile. You are loved in more ways than you will know and your son still loves you too. It just hurts he doesn’t show it right now.October 2, 2019 at 12:17 pm #315609
May I ask for an update on your situation? Have you been in contact with your son since your post of 10/18/18?October 7, 2019 at 6:00 am #316445
it’s terrible…October 18, 2019 at 10:33 am #318559
I feel your pain. I have three grown children, all three daughters in their 30’s. I stopped in the town where my oldest lives as i was travelling through the area for work. We had a nice dinner and while there she texted my youngest daughter and told her we were eating. My youngest lives in the same town but was at work. The next thing I know, I get this very long text message that basically says I was never there as a father so she is done with me… It has been 3 years now… and I haven’t heard a word from her. I keep sending text messages on the holidays.. her birthday… telling her I love her and miss her… but I get nothing …
Doesn’t seem that there is anything I can do… so I just wait…maybe one day, she will need me to help her out, and I will hear something from her.. even if it is just a cry for help… I would settle for that right now…Take care and I hope it gets better for you …