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Mark

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  • #320361

    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Frey,

    I ended a sexual relationship with a women I knew about 6 years ago now. I am currently married (2 yrs ago) and everything between us is okay.. but.. every so often, i find myself thinking about this person from 6 years ago. I had to block the number from my phone… I closed down my FB page altogether mostly because it was too tempting for me to keep checking on her. It was the best sexual relationship I ever had, but the everyday part of the relationship was not healthy for me… I knew I had to break it off… and I did… but I also struggled to distance myself early on after the breakup. Thoughts of her just pop into my head, or my dreams sometimes… so I know it is still there … almost like a wound that won’t heal.. but time heals all things and i just keep waiting for her to fade away … I would shut down any methods to keep an eye on these people.. they will eventually jeopardize your new and successful relationship…  Do what you can to leave them in the past where they belong. ..but I know its not easy…Good luck and stay strong….

    mark

     

    #319713

    Mark
    Participant

    Thanks Anita.. I won’t be back on here til Monday.. so no rushing for a response. Have a great weekend and thanks for all you do for each of us…

    #319705

    Mark
    Participant

    Stay Strong Liam James,

    and thanks for the poem.. i liked it alot…

    #319703

    Mark
    Participant

    It’s why I want to live on a mountain by myself… with my wife… and now her mother…. It ‘s why “Mother” has such a bad connotation for me. It is why having her mother in the house drives me so crazy… well .. one reason why..

    It is also why I can’t deal with bully’s, overly aggressive people, or why I couldn’t deal with the ex wife when she would tell me how I wasn’t good enough for her… .because down deep inside… i believed her truth.. called it my own truth…My mothers truth about it being a “little problem” … even though it wasn’t reality. It explains why I can’t take a compliment, why I hate my image in photographs… It is probably why I became a police officer … so many years ago… and tried to be a priest… saving others  because I couldn’t save myself… why I went to Haiti after the earthquake… My ex told me that all my good works.. all my good deeds stem from that history.. and I guess she was right about that .. I had a therapist one time tell me not to get into a relationship with anyone as I would only bring them pain… and it seems to ring true… although I resist that notion …but… certainly my self loathing makes it difficult for anyone to be in a relationship with me…

    I keep thinking that surely I would remember seeing a cat burned alive in a 55 gallon drum… but my youth is a blank slate… I was in a men’s group once where the conversation was about whether it was better to remember or better to have blocked it all out… there was no consensus… remembering would be awful.. but in the absence of memories, one has a tendency to imagine all sorts of things… but I guess those imaginings couldn’t be much worse that whatever really happened… I wonder if it is why I seek comfort in food.. maybe keeping myself overweight keeps me unattractive and keeps my life simpler .. keeps people at a distance …

    I only see my parents about once a year or once every two years… My sisters don’t see them often or when they do… they have to be drunk or high… I just stay away,,…these experiences did not bind us together… they just blew the whole family apart. The sisters don’t talk to each other.. I hardly ever see them or talk to them either. When I brought the history up to my father, he just said none of it was true and that both of my sisters are lying… but that’s not possible.. they both told me the same but slightly different stories.. they both said that they remember most of it and they both independently sought out therapy for it.

    This didn’t blow up in my face until I was 50… so they found support 30 years ago and no one bothered to ask me or say anything to me.. sorry this is rambling and so long …

    #319649

    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I always had difficulty with a sense of “unfairness” and lack of control but never knew why. I have struggled in all of my relationships and again was at a loss to explain it. I always thought of myself as an intimacy vampire… always seeking intimacy and not sex.. which seemed a bit wired compared to all the other guys I grew up around. So at the end of my second marriage ( this one is number 3) .. I sought out counselling…

    I started to see Doctor Ellis in Cherry Hill NJ. After 8 sessions, he asked had there been any child sexual abuse in my past. I said no, that I would remember such things. He said that I wouldn’t remember and that my inability to handle Chrissy’s (2nd wife) verbal abuse and alcoholism might have some roots in my childhood experiences. He told me to consult my two sisters. When I pushed them, they both related the same story in detail with only one slight difference. I have absolutely no recollection of any sexual abuse in the past but now both of my sisters have said that yes there was a history….

    We had an older male cousin who started babysitting us when I was 6. My younger sister relates six years of rape, my older sister relates stories of getting molested in the stairwells of the house but since she was older, she appears to have been spared the more aggressive aspects of Stevie’s appetites’… Stevie moved into the third-floor apartment of our new house when I was about 9. I believe the abuse started before that, at the older house, when I was 6, but cannot verify that for certain.  My older sister was the one who initially placed me in the scene… saying I was helping Stevie rape my younger sister. There is some uncertainty as to what role I took on but certainly I was in the middle of everything. My younger sister says I was raped and tortured, tied up, forced to watch the mutilation and burning alive of cats and dogs. She also states that she would be locked up in a closet for hours not knowing what was happening to me as I was left alone with Stevie in the bedroom. I can only imagine and since I have no recollection, that’s all I have left, is my imagination…

    Stevie apparently died in prison in early 1980’s… for beating his mother almost to death …there is no one to ask about the incidents that took place. My parents are typically unsupportive and as a matter of fact, my mother recently stated… “You know, outside of that little Stevie problem, Sally was a great tenant” … I am left with supposition and conjecture… but it explains why I struggle with aggressive people…

    #319337

    Mark
    Participant

    My wife is from the Ivory Coast… West Africa… and she is the oldest. Culturally, I am told that the oldest is the most responsible for everyone else. so she feels obligated to take care of her mother. My wife is 48 and has never been married although she did have a child at 24. She has often said she felt like a man.. having to bear the responsibility of making sure everyone else is okay.

    She never felt like she needed or wanted a man in her life..(until she met me) .. . Her father left the family when she was 18 and she had a hard time forgiving him but seems to have come to terms with it. She feels sorry for her mother and on some level, II think she wants her mother to follow in her footsteps… come to America, learn English, get a green card, get a job, become a citizen, have a whole new life … but her mother is much older and I cannot see this happening.

    Her daughter is a social butterfly… gets bored easy with the man of the moment and moves on quickly… The daughter got married young and pregnant and left her husband withing a year … she is 24 and has moved in and out of 3 or four different men’s houses/relationships in the last 2 years. She never had a father in her life (though she has gone to France twice to see him now) and I think she is constantly looking for a father figure in her life. My wife continues to try to support her emotionally and while I think the young lady is a few french fries short of a happy meal, she is a sweet person… My wife keeps telling me how smart her daughter is… and i just nod in agreement although she really isn’t very intelligent .. (cannot figure out what 20% off on a sale means dollar wise)  I have a fear that at some point she will move her daughter and grand baby into our house also…which will present another opportunity to test my patience  ..

     

     

    #319333

    Mark
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

    It feels right.. that I’m still dealing with the “unfairness” and “the lack of control” of the past situations and seeing/feeling that pain in every day exchanges that are not as dramatic or as destructive as they currently feel. The sense of fairness is a big trigger for me… as what happened to me when i was seven wasn’t fair…which is why I am trying to find another therapist … to help me deal with the present instead of projecting the past into the present.

    Yes, my wife works too much… it is admirable but I keep suggesting that she find something else.. she works 7 days a week and often they are 14 or 15 hour days… it’s not healthy … she comes home and sleeps and goes right back out again… One of my frustrations is that her mother being here is empowering her to to work all the time.. her mother cleans and cooks so my wife doesn’t feel guilty about not being there to do so herself. … although i cook and do the laundry oftentimes myself.

    And Yes.. moving away from the world … doesn’t move me away from my own past… everywhere i go.. i take me along… so running away is the very definition of insanity… The fact that my mother paid our abuser to babysit us when we were kids was a surprising awareness that just came to me recently through therapy… so my tolerance of a “mother”.. any mother is pretty low…The fact that our parents could not/ did not keep us safe has a lot to do with my motivation to run away from everyone… and to not want to tolerate her mother being there all the time. The fact they my parents let this individual move into the upstairs apartment in our childhood home and have access to us (my two sisters and I) means my own home has to be deemed safe and my wife’s mother destroys that safe feeling in my own house … again, not her issue, but my own..

    She has to go… and we will have to have some rules about how often she can come back and how often she can stay with us….but I get the impression that no matter what agreement we come up with, it won’t be adhered too… I have to hope that the green card process doesn’t take more days than I can tolerate … Again, I shared all of this with my wife, she knew of my past and my issues.. I was unaware of my own past until it came out in therapy 10 years ago. The therapist had me verify with my two sisters who told very similar stories about horrors that I have no recollection of… yet, i still react in strange and unusual ways to triggers that i am unaware of …

    My point is my wife knows all of this.. but she still cant seem to comprehend my feelings about this situation. I still feel like a little kid screaming out my discontent with no one listening to me…      but it helps to have this forum for me to vent

     

    #319193

    Mark
    Participant

    1. I have tried many times to explain how uncomfortable this is for me… She seems to dismiss it because she can’t understand it… She thinks I am wrong in feeling this way.  I have discussed this with our priest, and my previous therapist and both have said that an upset child just screams louder.. so each time, I try to be more assertive and more vocal.  She knows I am not happy with the situation.

    2. Her accommodation was the suggestion for her mom to live with her daughter .. but that was doomed from the start … again culturally, no 23 yr old American girl is going to want the old world perspective on how to live her life. She never spent much time with her grandmother, so there isn’t much in common there. The other trips were my suggestions in trying to get this woman out of my house.

    3. They speak all the time in French.. I just sit there and try to zone it out, and I do not know the content of their conversations. My wife told her mother that i want her out, as the woman was crying at me on the couch.. I couldn’t explain my feelings to her any more than i can explain them to my wife… They just don’t understand… I tried to tell her is wasn’t her as a person.. it was just an unwanted presence in my house… my own mother, or anyone else for that matter… but that didn’t go over… or make much of an impact…

    I even suggested that my wife and her mother go find an apartment close to my wife’s job… but that would end the marriage .. so I am trying to be patient and hold myself together .. until I just can’t .. and everything blows up ….

     

    #319189

    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Valora,

    I don’t get a sense of appreciation but that might just be me.. expecting too much….I struggle with my wife because she can be the most wonderful person .. i have literally seen her give away her coat off her back to someone more needy… but I have also seen where she will lie (small white lies) to get what she wants… I resist the urge to jump to the conclusion that she is taking me for a ride.. taking me for an idiot.. but I keep struggling with this over and over… I told her to proceed with paying the attorney for her moms green card.. but there is no telling how long this process will take .. she says 3 to 6 months…

    We continue to come up with plans for her mom to be somewhere else .. but each time we set an agenda.. it falls through and I get angry/hurt by it .. We didn’t have any time together as a newly married couple without her mom being with us.. If we had been married for 10 years and her mom needed a place then maybe I would feel differently … less agitated .. but it feels unfair that the woman has been here from the very start …

     

     

    #319185

    Mark
    Participant

    The summary is very on point.. you are every good at this… I am a childhood sex abuse survivor so i am always”timid” and always subject to feeling taken advantage of…  8 years of therapy has gotten me (at least) aware of some of my baggage…..but I believe that i somehow set myself up for repeated “abuse”  – being taken advantage of … which immediately kicks me into a depressive state… I am on wellbutrin which has removed the suicide ideation (monkey off my back ) … but I am still careful about getting too far down that rabbit trail….

    Yes, I would agree that most people, that her mom knows, don’t seem to be tolerant of her for some reasons… i am not sure… i don’t speak French so I cannot understand her or what she thinks/believes/ or rants about … I am oblivious… and she doesn’t speak English so… we don’t communicate …

    I bought the house that we live in about 5 years ago… it is a nice house sitting on top of a mountaintop with 13 acres of woods .. away from everybody… my family, friends, neighbors, strangers, trick or treaters…lol… I bought it for my own peace of mind and heart … distance is my coping mechanism… so some of my issue is just having someone else in my space… someone uninvited by me… I was happy that my wife enjoyed being a bit isolated.. but we haven’t had much time alone since even before we were married…i just feel shortchanged ,,.. I had to explain the concept of bait and switch to my wife.. she didn’t understand my reference… as she works all the time and I come home to her mother in the house… drives me crazy …

    I have not yet found a new therapist ,.. still searching … hate to start this all over again… but last one couldn’t see me outside of business hours .. i digress… sorry

    This woman has 12 children and none of them seem to want to deal with her.. She has two houses .. albeit not very nice ones.. back in her home country..  i wouldn’t want to live in them… i saw them first hand… and she has been separated from her husband for many? years…  though they participated in our wedding together…

    I am trying to be patient, trying to be a good husband… trying to be a good person… trying to be someone lovable … but I  am afraid… afraid to go through divorce again (losing my home etc) afraid of failing at another marriage… afraid of losing …

     

     

     

     

    #318963

    Mark
    Participant

    Yes Valora,

    Thanks .. I am trying not to feel so taken advantage of… trying not to feel betrayed… its a struggle.. i still feel wounded … but I do not want to end the marriage… i don’t want to lose her… I just don’t have the same relationship with “family” .. so I cannot understand her position and she cannot understand mine … My wants should weigh as much as hers… here I go sounding like a 6 yr old again… I feel like I am being immature… but I need to feel “heard” …

    #318943

    Mark
    Participant

    Connie,

    He sounds very insecure with himself… He seems to ask you often how you feel about him… which sounds like he cannot accept or love himself. I sort of know what that feels like.. if he cannot love himself, he will constantly question how you could love him.. he will move close to you, question everything about himself, and then move away form you… until he gets to a point of self acceptance/love, he will constantly move back and forth emotionally.. In my case, it would not be about commitment as much as it would be a fear of someone realizing how truly worthless i am … (even if that reality is not true) It would affirm my own worthlessness.. Any little comment about anything you make.. he could work that into negative support of his own self image.. and you won’t even understated what you said or why he is suddenly distant… It is a terrible way to live .. for each of you… and for him, it dooms him (and anyone in relationship with him) to a cycle of emotional roller coasters. He needs to work on himself before he can be functional in a healthy relationship …

     

     

    #318931

    Mark
    Participant

    Thanks Valora,

    We were supposed to go to her home country for the wedding initially… then her sisters changed the plans and we wound up paying for some of her family to come here. We bought international flights for her parents as well as two sisters and her brother and his wife… 6 flights of about 1500 each… I agreed as it was her first wedding and I wanted it to be so special for her. She hadn’t seen her family in 19 years. There was no discussion about her mom staying.. Her mom and her sisters came about 2 months before the wedding to “help” out. I have to say it was fun having them here and I enjoyed their company … then everyone except mom stayed. Mom had a visa for 6 months, so it was ok that she stay around for a few weeks longer… then there was a plan for her to visit and stay with cousins in NJ… that didn’t work, she was back in a few days… then she was going to stay with my wife’s daughter in VA.. that lasted about 2 weeks.. then she was going to live with some other family in France… she left, got sick, and came right back again… each time.. we agreed to a deadline for her to “visit” for a week or so at a time… but then.. she just stayed.. now .. she overstayed her visa, so if she leaves, she cant come back for ten years… my wife is trying to get her mom a green card.. so she can come and go… but this has turned into 2 years … and i feel like i have been taken advantage of.. its just feels like i have been capitulating for her the whole time.. giving in, over and over again…

    #318589

    Mark
    Participant

    It helps A lot Anita,.. just to feel heard, it is very much appreciated.

    i am looking for a therapist who can help me walk this road… I am wistfully hoping that she will go with me to talk to someone.. but that isn’t really what is going to happen…. I guess I need to give her the ultimatum… her mom or her marriage… and see her true colors at that point.. I shied away from going there the other night when we were fighting about this … I felt that the conversation was heading that way and I stopped before it got to that point.. i was afraid of the truth.. that she really had this planned from the start and that is the real reason .. the only reason ….she married me to begin with…. that brings up all kinds of unlovable feelings and I am trying not to internalize this .. i don’t have much choice I guess.. although I know inside that I will still try to hang on as long as I can….

    #318579

    Mark
    Participant

    Well….yes.. in fact… that is exactly what has been going through my mind… I don’t want to divorce,… and I can make my voice heard… or my point anyway… so yes… I was thinking  i am 58 and might as well just live out my days this way…. but I know that it won’t work in the long run..

    I will get more depressed and stay away longer each day,… and then I just won’t go home any more… so I guess the end is inevitable… I hate this… I have been through this before… the ex was an alcoholic… I was married to her for 10 years… that was quite some time ago… I feel so stupid… i felt like she took advantage of me too..

    Everyone says I am such a nice guy…  maybe I am to nice… I hate this so much …

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