- This topic has 7 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 6 months ago by
Mark.
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October 19, 2018 at 7:31 am #231877
AnonymousGuestDear Rebecca:
He and his girlfriend argued about money during their visit, meaning she wanted to spend more of it shopping and he didn’t want her to do so. Eventually, she won and shopped for eight hours. She won, he lost. He felt angry, controlled by her. Next thing he said to you: “You can’t control me anymore!”-
reads to me that he shifted his anger from being directed at her to being directed at you. He felt that she controlled him so he blamed you for controlling him. I suppose he feels that he needs her way more than he needs you, his attachment is with her, so he gave in to her and releases his tension in the interactions with you.
What can you do… there is nothing you can do, do you agree that there is nothing you can do?
anita
October 19, 2018 at 10:05 am #231935
RebeccaParticipantAnita: I know you are right…deep down I already know I can’t do anything…especially since we are worlds apart as well. I’m just starting to feel panicked and worried that the longer this goes on…I don’t want to lose him completely. I’m hoping to make a trip to see a friend near London next year and try to send a white flag message to him to meet me…without his girlfriend, so we can talk. I hope he will accept my inviting to talk if I’m physically there. I have to try something. Thank you Anita
October 19, 2018 at 10:33 am #231953AnonymousGuestDear Rebecca:
You are welcome.
A child’s attachment to his mother cannot be underestimated, not only in childhood but through adulthood. I suppose he switched that attachment somewhat to his girlfriend, as it often happens. What you shared about his interactions with you before the recent visit leads me to think that the two of you will see each other again and talk, many times.
I would suggest that you wait for his relationship with his girlfriend to either end or calm down. When he is less stressed in the context of the relationship with her, he will become more available to you.
And do post again anytime you’d like. I will be glad to reply.
anita
October 20, 2018 at 11:16 am #232271
TracyParticipantAh, and so enters the girlfriend. LOL. I have a son almost same exact story except different location. Early, mid-twenties i would guess? I am struggling with the same. I few things I have concluded about my situation. I don’t stop reaching out even though he doesn’t respond. I have decided not to give him the excuse as to why he gives up on our relationship. I.E. “My mom never calls, texts, emails, etc.” I have to have a little faith and trust that I did teach him better than to succumb to immature needs and wants that are his girlfriend right how. My son’s girlfriend expects us to take care of them financially-even pay for their rent. She seems to think they are entitled to have us help them when they both decided to quite their jobs in the same month with no money in savings and without other jobs. Then when we didn’t help to assist with letting them feel the pinch of not having money, able to pay for rent, etc…when SHE EXPECTED IT (much like your son’s girlfriend), she has convinced him not to interact with us at all and that we are the enemy. REALLY? I feel it is a high level of growing that needs to happen on their part. I can’t help them learn those lessons. The only things I can do is just honor his path and let him make the decisions. The decisions that I am sure are only going to end in heartache. The other thing an Aunt suggested which my husband and I have tried, is that when he does pick up the phone when we call, we don’t ask about the girlfriend, we don’t acknowledge the emotions, etc., we simply ask about him and how he is doing. We still invite him to our family get togethers, but know that he won’t respond or show up. We just know that right now he is living his life on his own, regardless of my feelings about wanting to be part of it. Hang in there. They don’t stay away forever. If he has half a brain he will realize that over time his girlfriend’s behavior isn’t healthy and will get away from it. Let your life move forward in happiness and joy and simply honor him from afar if that is all you can do. That is all I seem to be able to do now. Hope it helps, stay strong and smile. You are loved in more ways than you will know and your son still loves you too. It just hurts he doesn’t show it right now.
October 2, 2019 at 12:17 pm #315609
VesperParticipantRebecca,
May I ask for an update on your situation? Have you been in contact with your son since your post of 10/18/18?
October 7, 2019 at 6:00 am #316445
SoloHinParticipantit’s terrible…
October 18, 2019 at 10:33 am #318559
MarkParticipantI feel your pain. I have three grown children, all three daughters in their 30’s. I stopped in the town where my oldest lives as i was travelling through the area for work. We had a nice dinner and while there she texted my youngest daughter and told her we were eating. My youngest lives in the same town but was at work. The next thing I know, I get this very long text message that basically says I was never there as a father so she is done with me… It has been 3 years now… and I haven’t heard a word from her. I keep sending text messages on the holidays.. her birthday… telling her I love her and miss her… but I get nothing …
Doesn’t seem that there is anything I can do… so I just wait…maybe one day, she will need me to help her out, and I will hear something from her.. even if it is just a cry for help… I would settle for that right now…Take care and I hope it gets better for you …
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