Dear Caroline:

The complexity of communicating in two threads at the same period of time. So, when you posted earlier on this thread: “To be honest I feel a bit discouraged .. When, at first, I was happy that I found something interesting in, I thought it was enough and after you counted and pointed out 12 minutes I felt ‘scolded’ and tried to read more but it overwhelmed me .. I promised myself I would come back and force myself to spend more time on this but I never did. Anyway I hope I will come back to this here or somewhere else.“- you did not refer to a post I submitted for you on this thread, but to a post I submitted for you on the other thread.

Having re-read the post you referred to, and your response, boldfaced above, it is clear to me now, in no uncertain terms, that I made a stupid mistake being pushy/ aggressive via CAPITAL LETTERS and attitude, and that made you feel discouraged, scolded and overwhelmed. I sincerely apologize, Caroline. I didn’t think enough before submitting that post on Feb 5, nor did I understand after how I came across, or how I could come across.

Interestingly, I wrote in that same post in regard to your state of mind: “Maybe you rushed so much because you were anxious and exhausted. You have to be calm enough to be able to patiently read and process information“, while it was my state of mind: not calm, but rushing with a reply that hurt you, instead of (potentially) helping you

“I hope this explains why I feel overwhelmed and discouraged“- yes, it does. Thank you for explaining it to me. I think that it is kind of you and admirable that you took the time to explain this to me, and give me an opportunity to pay better attention to how I come across.

“I think it would be good for me to take a break from this“- you can, of course. But if you would like to give me the opportunity to show you that I learned the lesson you kindly taught me, I would like it that you’d post again sooner than later.

anita

Dear Caroline:

It makes my day reading your post first thing this Tuesday morning. Thank you for caring to submit this message for me, for telling me the truth about how you feel about our communication (that it was a mix of helpful and unhelpful), for telling me that you appreciate my apology, and for asking me to not feel bad. You are amazing, Caroline!

“I think I will come back but I will take a break for now“- I promise you that if and when you are back, when I respond to you, I will pay close attention to submit posts that are always gentle and kind.

“I think I am better and my girlfriend also made some changes“- good thing.. We all need to make some changes. Experiencing your kindness during our latest exchange gives me a new appreciation of you, and it motivates me to pay closer attention to all my communications with people; to consider how I may come across before expressing myself.

“but not only – I AM more active and responsive to avoid situations when I agree to things I don’t want to do.“-this is an excellent resolve! Because habits (such as agreeing to things) are hard to break, next time, when you feel that you are about to agree to something, you can tell the person that you’ll get back to them later (take a time out, out of the pressure of the moment).

Thank you again for making my day!

anita

Dear Caroline:

You are welcome, and thank you!

“Recently I am not as scared to express that I don’t like something. I wish I could do it more often, it is very freeing“- it takes courage and repetition to change emotional-behavioral habits, such as feeling scared to express something you don’t like and not expressing it => feeling less scared to express something you don’t like and expressing it.

It can be a very frustrating process to change emotional-behavioral habits because it requires so much patience with the self. From my experience, I was stuck for years when it came to changing such habits because I wanted and expected a quick change, and when that didn’t happen, I denigrated myself, seeing the failure to produce a quick change as evidence of my faultiness and inadequacy as a person.. not understanding the nature of the process.

Also, changing behavioral habits involves the people we are interacting with. it requires that they are not aggressive or impatient with us. We need an attitude and practice of gentleness and patience from ourselves and from others.

Keep the good work, Caroline, a pleasure reading from you again.. and I remember and will remember my promise to you!

anita