Dear Caroline:

You are welcome, and do take your time. Thank you for the note.

anita

Dear Caroline:

“Maybe I should be seeing a therapist“- if you can afford one who is a good CBT therapist who will teach you emotion regulation skills (distress tolerance), that will be best for you!

(I m adding the boldface feature to this quote): “In the past I used to watch a lot of movies she wanted to, and I was bored because I didn’t like them. But SHE liked them and she wanted us to watch it.. She just encouraged me, did not force me of course.. But I don’t have my own opinion most of times… I could never say no. That’s why I am angry now when she says she is not interested in something I want to see…I feel resentful now and stupid“- this is a classic description of a codependent relationship where your sense of self/ self identity is minimal, there is like a vacuum in the area where Caroline’s Identity (Caroline’s opinions, likes, wants) is supposed to be , so- in your mind and in practice- she takes over this vacuum: life becomes about her opinions, her likes, her wants. The result is indeed anger and resentment on the part of the one who is codependent.

“She agreed to watch a movie last time because she already knows I would be angry about it. That’s the only way I can get her to do anything with me“- if you don’t express to her that you dislike something and you go along with it, then it’s only when you get angry that she has the opportunity to know that you don’t like something…?

“I could never do something like that. I could never decide “I will pay and you just.. go away with your credit card”. She would not let. If she wanted to pay and I would try to stop her – that would not happen“- you need to learn assertiveness skills. If you act assertively with her (instead of passively/ codependently), you will not be angry with her for being assertive.

In regard to whether you told her in the past that it offends you when she pays for groceries, you answered: “I never told her that“- so when she paid for groceries, she didn’t know and had no way to know that it’d offend you.

“We planned vacation… We finally agreed we were going to see Italy… she said Venice it is… at this point I did not know what I wanted anymore… Am I mentally ill?“- you are in a desperate need to learn emotion regulation and assertiveness skills, as well as challenging distressing thoughts (CBT).

“Anita.. can you tell what is wrong with me? I feel like I am really trying to be honest, to have a good relationship and I can see she is also trying. She really does. Or those things I said to her what makes me upset etc. she does try to change it. Not perfectly and not every time but I see she does want to. And yet still there’s a problem every time we try to talk about something“- the vacuum I mentioned earlier, it needs to get filled with Caroline, with what Caroline thinks, likes (and dislikes) wants, believes in, etc. Your girlfriend did not create this vacuum. It was created long ago, when you were growing up.

You need to get to know yourself, get to know the positive and wonderful things about yourself and come to a place where you think well of you, a place where you esteem and respect yourself. Does this sound right to you?

anita

Dear Caroline:

“In present time when I don’t want to do something I go quiet. And then I get angry later. I know I shouldn’t behave like that, I should just say right away in a normal tone, not angry tone later“- yes.

“But I don’t know how to do that“- next time you notice that you went quiet because you don’t want to do something she wants to do, say in a normal tone: I don’t want to do this.

“I  do not want to say she’s evil… feel like she is more confident and assertive with her opinions and I just take a step back and not say anything… She asked me many times: Ok what do you want? what is the place you want to see? And I couldn’t say..”– she reads like a decent person, not evil at all. Your struggles with not knowing what you think/ feel/ want etc. (the vacuum we talked about), makes all long-term relationships difficult, romantic and otherwise.

“Sorry I let it all out here but it is  kind of regulating for me to just write it all. I see it and I understand it better now thanks to you Anita“- you are very welcome to let it all out here, any day, any time. And thank you for your appreciation!

“I want to change it because I am in a relationship with someone who cares“- you said it, she cares.

“How can I learn this ’emotion regulation and assertiveness skills, as well as challenging distressing thoughts (CBT)”, Anita? Can I learn it by myself? is reading a book enough? or should I see a therapist. I am really desperate, I am having panic attacks because of this. I think it is all too much in my life right now“- (1) try guided meditations during today and before going to sleep, will you? (2) Therapy with a good therapist will be best. (3) research emotion regulation skills, (part of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, DBT) and CBT, consider buying a book and a workbook on each of these topics, and see how it works for you.

anita

Dear Caroline:

I will reply further in the morning, but for now, in regard to: “Ok. But what if I can’t say what I want?“- you can say: I don’t know what I want right now. Let’s talk about it again late, after I think about it for awhile. This way, you are assertive and you are taking a timeout, so to figure out- when you are away from her and from the conversation, when you are alone- what it is that you want.

anita

Dear Caroline:

“Now I know I agreed to this city she picked but I can’t help thinking: Am I again doing something she picked? I think I kind of am. But I won’t say anything anymore because she tried and she asked and I couldn’t say. And I said okay it’s the best choice. Now I keep thinking I did this again to myself and I won’t enjoy this trip because again it was something she wants to do…  I just agreed on vacation I am not excited about. Again.“-

– Everything is difficult when you don’t own your .. own life: all relationships are difficult, at work and personally, there’s so much self-doubt and heightened anxiety when your life is owned (in your mind) by someone else, someone more powerful than you… and there is always someone more powerful than you… when you feel powerless.

From psychology today on powerlessness: “It is the feeling that we have had to, or must seriously, compromise ourselves or something we hold dear due to external forces seemingly beyond our control”, “Power exists in all relationships. Having power means to have a sense of control, to have choices and the ability to influence our environment and others. It’s a natural and healthy instinct to exert our power to get our wants and needs met…

“Impaired Power: In contrast, many of us may feel powerless and victims of outside forces. We can feel like our destiny is out of our hands. Some of us voluntarily give up our power to others. We may feel uncomfortable with exercising our own power, and believe that we will alienate others. Instead, we might react to others, defer to their wants and need, and have trouble making decisions and initiating independent action. We might feel like we’re being mean or raising our voice when we merely state what we want or don’t like.

“This impaired sense of power is common and stems from: 1. A habitual external focus 2. Shame and low self-esteem- not feeling worthy. 3. Dependence and lack of autonomy– excessive need for a relationship 4. Lack of assertiveness and deference to others’ decisions 5. Discomfort with power and a belief that it harms relationships. 6. Fear of rejection and abandonment…

“Power Imbalances in Relationships: Many relationships have power imbalances. If we’ve denied our power and don’t express ourselves for any of the above reasons, it’s natural for someone else to fill the vacuum.”

Remember how you started your first thread on tb back in Sept 2022? “I have a male friend“- he, a coworker at the time, was more powerful than you and he took over your life back then, he filled in that Personal Power Vacuum (PPV, if you will).

Back to psychology today/ do you feel controlled in your relationship: “Growing up in a dysfunctional family can result in an impaired relationship to power. Generally, this occurs if we grow up in families where power was exercised over others in a dominant-submissive pattern. Our needs and feelings were ignored or criticized. When personal power and self-worth aren’t encouraged we come to believe that power and love can’t coexist. Power gets a bad rep. We’re afraid of our own power or can only get our needs met by being indirect. We might learn to feel safe and be loved through accommodating others, by and people-pleasing… We may be unable to know and assert our wants and needs or make decisions, often even for ourselves. We relinquish control over ourselves and often defer to others or don’t act at all…

“How to Become Empowered: Love and power are not incongruous. In fact, love doesn’t mean giving up oneself, which eventually leads to resentment. Love actually requires the exercise of power. To claim our power means learning to live consciously, taking responsibility for ourselves and choices, building self-esteem, and asking directly for our needs and wants. As we learn to express ourselves honestly and set boundaries and say no, we create safety and mutual respect, allowing our partner to do the same”-

– to this day, Caroline, I have some trouble knowing what I want and/ or asserting what I want. When asked what I want, I commonly say: whatever you want. I grew up very much in a dominant (my mother)- submissive (myself) pattern of relationship. The way to please my mother when she was angry at me, raging at me with words that hurt so much (and some physical violence) was to lower my head and look at the ground. I remember her saying to me during a pause in beating me: “the only thing I like about you is that you are looking down and you don’t say anything back to me“.

I remember that sentence because it made me feel like a good girl, that there is something likeable about me, something that draws approval: to be submissive, to display powerlessness for someone powerful.. hence the birth of my own PPV (Personal Power Vacuum).

I still experience the euphoria of feeling approved of, of feeling liked- sometimes- by being submissive, as in saying to another: you’re in control, whatever you want. But then, I suffered a WHOLE LOT for giving my power away, bringing me to practical life circumstances that are hurting me now, and which I cannot reverse.

Back to your post, you wrote in regard to my suggestion that you try guided meditations: “Ok, I will do this today. In what way is it going to help?“- I hope that it will help you to slow down, to calm down, which is an emotion regulation skill required for you to think effectively when needed, and come up with real solutions to real problems, instead of drowning in self-doubt and overthinking.

anita