Hi Adam,

I am sorry to hear this – it must be very painful for you 🙁

I totally understand why you feel betrayed and disappointed. Because she was telling you how great you were and that she wants you in her life:

she said I was her best boyfriend, her rock, her best friend

She said herself she was happy until she wasn’t with me. Lots of her words gave me high hopes for our future together

And then she goes and joins a dating app a few days after the breakup! I am sorry…

It does seem she wasn’t very honest with you, or even if she meant you were the best boyfriend, she still chose to find another one, instead of working on herself. Maybe you were indeed the most caring and patient boyfriend she had so far, but it could be that she didn’t like it when you encouraged her to seek therapy, or when you noticed some of her traumatic reactions.

You said that the night she left she actually got upset when you told her this:

I mentioned to her I noticed that she rolls over and goes quiet when she is in a sad state, I also told her I realise that sometimes she death stares me with a blank face when she is upset/angry. This stare almost seems like a switch to me. when I mentioned this i think it started the events later in the night.

It could be that she didn’t like being told those things (even if they were true). Maybe she did feel inadequate and felt that you were trying to put her down (even though you didn’t – you were just being honest with her). But because of her unresolved trauma, it hurt her and she didn’t want to hear it.

So this could be an alternative explanation to why she broke it off. We thought it was because she realized how hurt she was and that she isn’t capable of loving you properly. But maybe she saw it differently: maybe she thought that you weren’t capable of loving her “perfectly”, without triggering her, without mentioning her traumatic reactions. Maybe she was hurt by what she perceived as your “imperfect” love. And so her motivation for leaving would have been different than what we thought.

In any case, I hope you know that your love wasn’t “imperfect” or lacking, and that you didn’t do anything wrong by sometimes noticing her emotional states or reactions. But it could be that this was painful for her and she couldn’t really face herself… and so she opted to leave.

In that scenario (where she rather blames you for not being “sensitive enough”), it would make sense that she’d start looking for someone else, who will be “better” than you and give her what she needs. Of course, it’s an illusion, because no one will be able to give her what she really needs until she resolves her trauma. But she could be hoping for it and trying nevertheless… after all, she’s only 21, and you’re right, there could be some immaturity about her too, or simply wanting to take a shortcut, instead of diving deeper into her own issues.

It’s put a lot into perspective for me as this just seems like toxic, selfish behavior as well as being immature about relationships.

Well, yes, it’s selfish, but it’s the result of her woundedness. People who are wounded don’t care much about others, i.e. they inadvertently hurt others. She didn’t want to hurt you on purpose, but she did nevertheless, because as the saying goes, “hurt people hurt people”.

I feel harsh saying it but I genuinely think I deserved better after all the effort and support I’ve put in.

You do deserve better. You deserve to be in an emotionally healthy relationship, where you don’t need to walk on eggshells and apologize for your every word. The relationship with her wasn’t like that…

If I don’t hear back from her then I know she isn’t worth it. If I do it’ll have to be up to her to chase me because right now as you said I need to work on myself.

Well, if you knew that she joined the dating app, would you have sent that letter? I guess not… She might reply if she doesn’t find anyone better on the app… but I hope you won’t rush to accept her back and start the same cycle again. Because don’t forget that she can’t just heal miraculously and be a changed person without doing any work on herself. In any case, I’d be very careful even if she replied and wanted to get back together…

I’m investing too much into someone who either has a serious mental condition, lots of confusion, a problem with honesty and lying, or they are just young immature and toxic about relationships.

Probably all of the above is true. But as I said, she’s not doing it on purpose. Nevertheless, you don’t need to be a part of it. As you said, you deserve better. And the best is to really focus on yourself and work on yourself. May I ask – have you in the past been in a similar relationship, with someone problematic whom you wanted to “save”?

Hi Adam,

I really believe that she was being genuine and wanted to better herself. To me it is disgusting if she used that as a cop out of a relationship.

Yeah, you did say you believed she was genuine and sincerely wanted to work on herself. Although if she refused therapy, while suffering from a severe mental health issue (one that requires medication) – I guess that was already a red flag. Maybe she was telling you that she wanted to work on herself, because that’s something you wanted to hear (since you were noticing her triggers etc). But she never agreed to go to therapy during those 9 months you were together.

And in fact, she did tell you she doesn’t like how you treated her at times:

She did tell me sometimes that I didn’t treat her how she wanted to be treated in certain moments.

So she did express that she was displeased with you. She wasn’t blaming herself all the time. Sometimes she was blaming you too. Even though she told you you were her best boyfriend, her rock etc. So there were signs she was unhappy with you, but you always managed to reassure her that you love her and that you weren’t mistreating her. As I already said, maybe she accepted your reassurance for a while, but soon enough, the next trigger came, and for her, the trigger was your “unloving” behavior. And then she would get offended again.

So even though you tried to give her reassurance, it doesn’t mean she really accepted it. And it doesn’t mean she really accepted that it is her who is too sensitive. Her wounded part believed it was you who was insensitive. And I think that’s what finally made her to leave.

we did split plenty of times

What was the reason of those previous splits, if I may ask? Was it similarly that she got upset with something you said or did, and she left?

My ex I met very quickly after she left her ex, maybe this solidifies it. It definitely will if she has someone new in the next couple weeks.

Yeah, for some people it’s very hard to be alone, because that triggers the feeling of being unloved and unwanted. So they need to find someone else as soon as possible…

I didn’t feel as of though I was walking on eggshells but my friend told me from his point of view it sounded very toxic.

Alright, so you didn’t feel like you were walking on eggshells around her. So perhaps you were honest with her and would always tell her when something about her bothered you (e.g. when she overreacted)?

What did your friend think was toxic about your relationship?

I definitely felt as if I was putting a lot of work in and I think she may have thought she was putting all the work in. I remember her briefly mentioned something like that once.

See, this is another proof that she saw your relationship differently than you: she thought she was putting in all the work, and you thought you were doing that. You thought she was too sensitive and that she realizes she is too sensitive, but she probably thought you were not sensitive enough and don’t love her enough.

When she said she was doing all the work, what do you think she meant?

To answer your question all my exes have had some form of anxiety or being prescribed to medication

Okay, that might be a pattern…

Past exes I did put in effort after breakups to reconcile, mainly due to the nature of breakups being my own doing.

So with your past exes, it was you who would break up and then try to reconcile. But with this girl, you never wanted to break up, you wanted to work things through no matter what. May I ask what made you break up in your past relationships, but then also want to go back?

You don’t need to answer if you don’t feel comfortable. I am just trying to understand better…

Hi Adam,

I’ve read all the posts and it really does seem that you have shown yourself to be a loving, supportive partner towards your girlfriend.  The problem is that no matter how much you say or do, it disappears into an empty well.  PTSD is easy to treat when you (your girlfriend) finds a qualified professional.  I am speaking from that perspective.

For want of a better phrase, you have now been shown the red card.  You have found out where you stand with her from this dating app.  She’s looking for someone else.  I suggest that you mentally let her go with love and move on to someone new who can return your feelings.  Cut all contact and move on.

Hi Adam,

I just feel abandoned and disrespected now. I feel like I was lied to and she wasn’t honest or open with me at all.

I totally get that you feel abandoned and disrespected. You thought she loved you and wanted to be with you, and that she wanted to work on herself so she could have a healthier relationship with you. And then she goes on a dating app…. quite the opposite of what she told you.

She was telling you that you were her best boyfriend, her best friend, her rock… well if this was the case, she wouldn’t have joined a dating app so quickly.

Unless there were really 2 parts in her: one that loved you and thought you were the best, and the other, the wounded part, which didn’t trust you and thought you wanted to hurt her. You described this duality here:

She did say she felt i mistreated her at times but again she would always take it back and apologize once things had calmed down. “You dont mistreat me, Im sorry for saying that I know you treat me well” things along those lines she would say.

So one part (the wounded part) felt mistreated, but the other part (the rational part) knew it wasn’t true. I don’t think she lied to you when she apologized and told you you were not mistreating her. Also, perhaps she didn’t lie to you when she said you were her best boyfriend, her rock etc. Because the rational part might have thought that.

But the emotional part (the wounded part) felt differently. It was telling her that you were not right for her, that you were mistreating her, that her seizures meant she shouldn’t be with you. The wounded part was having “feelings of leaving”… so it could be that her wounded part sabotaged the relationship, even if her rational part maybe wanted it?

You said yesterday that she was prescribed antipsychotics in her teens, so this 2-part theory might actually be quite feasible. I am not saying she is a split personality, but there could be a sharp contrast between those two parts.

When she told you that she was “constantly torn between her heart and her head”, she might have been talking about the conflict between those two parts. And finally her “heart” (which is actually her wounded part) won.

So considering that, I am not sure she was lying to you during the relationship. Only at the end, I guess, when the wounded part won and she decided to leave. That’s when she told you she needed to work on herself, when in fact she just wanted out.

I don’t know if you find this explanation feasible and if looking at things this way helps you at all?

Hi Adam,

you’re welcome. Glad that this helps you process it better and perhaps feel less angry at her.

I’ve just looked up dissociation and vision problems, and those could be related. Her vision going black for short periods of time could be the result of dissociation or depersonalization. Her eyesight isn’t affected by it, it’s just a temporary manifestation.

Also, if she has episodes where she “checks out” and doesn’t remember how she got from one place to another – that too indicates dissociation. I wouldn’t say she has “demons”, but rather, these are the consequences of her trauma. But in any case, it confirms that she should be in therapy, rather than trying to deal with it on her own.

I still have high hopes for her. I think she will get back to me once she reads my letter and poem.

I’ve got to ask you: even if she comes back to you, but refuses to seek therapy, would this be good for you? I mean, if the status quo continued, where she is regularly questioning you and you’re regularly reassuring her of your love and intentions… would this be good for you?

This is what gives me hope that she will eventually come to realize I was good and loving and only wanted to help

I think you would need to tell this to yourself: that you were (and are) good and loving and only wanted to help. You’re expecting her to tell you this, but do you believe it yourself?

Maybe you do already love yourself enough. But still I need to ask, because it might be key for your own healing…

Hi Adam,

To answer your question one of the conditions my psych said was to actually say that therapy is a must so I know she is making the changes. But again it’s hard as she wouldn’t want to be forced but I think it would have to come to that for my own security.

I agree with your therapist that she would need to seek professional help, and not rely exclusively on self-help or you helping her. Her issues are big enough to warrant therapy. This I think should be your precondition if she wants to get back together some time in the future. If she resists, of course you can’t force it, but you can still stick to this requirement. As you yourself said it, it’s important for your own mental and emotional safety.

Deep down I know she was lucky to have me. I genuinely do love myself and things I do for people, I always go above and beyond. I know im good without hearing it from others.

This is so good to hear, Adam. I am happy that you love yourself and don’t need to seek confirmation from her or anybody else.

Girls are definitely my biggest killer as I tend to get attached and obsessive which is what I will be looking at next with my psych. My first issue was the weed smoking but now I have good control over that and I’m happy where I am with that.

It’s great you could put smoking under control. That’s a great achievement!

As for the girls, it seems to me that in your previous relationships you were less attached to them than you were to your last girlfriend:

I probably wasn’t very considerate during my first couple relationships. They would definitely frustrate me a lot with their own problems which is harsh to say. …. I did feel like I was stepping on eggshells with them. They were not as laid back. I was smoking full time during them and it was a problem but I couldn’t stop.

Am I right thinking that you didn’t want to be too attached to your previous girlfriends, and it was more like that they were needy and clingy, while you were more of the avoidant one? They wanted something from you, and you found it annoying and just wanted to be left alone and smoke weed? (maybe this is oversimplification – let me know what the dynamic with them was?)

Whereas with this girl, things were different:

However this girl was different as I actually want to help her and be there for her.

None of them I felt for how I did this girl. Every moment seemed so real and there was no second guessing my heart at all. It really felt like destiny or a higher force to me and that’s why I wanted to give it my all.

For her, you stopped smoking weed. You didn’t want to break up (like you did with you past exes), you were clinging to the relationship, no matter how hard it was. You didn’t find her annoying, and you didn’t feel like you were walking on eggshells, even though she was quite sensitive to how you were treating her.

It’s almost like the roles were reversed in this relationship: you were the one who was clingy, and she, with her frequent breakups and her dissociation/withdrawal behaviors, was like the avoidant one.

I don’t know how significant this is, but thought to mention it, since I’ve just noticed it. Anyway, let me know what you think…