My Boyfriend Is Withdrawn And Ignoring Me After His Divorce - How Do I Save Us?!

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This topic has 36 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Li C.

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September 11, 2014 at 7:39 pm #64788

sojourner
Participant

hi Jen, First, heartfelt compassion and support to you across the miles.

Wow it’s a lot you’ve been through. I’m glad you reached out in the fashion you did, and at this point, my advice would be to just let it be. He’s been pretty clear that he needs space, and why. He’s not in a position to speculate about the future, and therefore, I don’t think you should either. He knows how you feel, and he talked about what you meant to him, mean to him, I think his feelings for you were real, however poorly timed.

Maybe the best thing you can do is just wait. Find a way to distract yourself – self nurture, do things that make you happy, build interest in a new hobby, volunteer for something somewhere, ANYTHING that take you outside of yourself and will help keep him off your mind to the point where you just are driving yourself nuts with the questions you mustn’t ask or push for right now, or you will get answers you don’t want to hear and he might not mean.

Try to put yourself in his shoes, in his head. The last thing that will help is to get pressure or ask for answers to questions about things he hasn’t figured out for himself yet, let alone express them to you.

You will have the answers eventually, but not today, not this week, maybe not this month. This situation is taking up ALL the room in your head and heart. Time to diversify if only for a while so YOU can get some space and perspective too.

Love is a good thing – just be patient. Pray and breath and take care of yourself. It will all turn out the way it is supposed to.

Peace to you,
Soj

September 12, 2014 at 10:58 am #64809

Jen A.
Participant

Thank you Soj, I’m so scared that his letter was indirectly saying that he made up his mind tho forever? As he didn’t mention anything about possibility of a future. His bestfriend told me “he’s thinking clearly again, he knows what he wants, I think you were a rebound…..you need to move on, if a man really loves a woman, no matter what he would never let her go…….maybe take a break but not let her go completely” – what do you think of this logic? Could it be possible he actually is thinking clearly a month and a half after his divorce?

September 13, 2014 at 12:05 pm #64833

Jen A.
Participant

@amatt

Hi Matt,

As your words always touch my soul when I need it most, (and I really need them the most right now) I was wondering if you could tell me how and/if to send metaphoric postcards at this stage now since the last update I wrote (he broke up with me via letter)……..not sure if you wouldn’t mind reading my last update, but I would love to get your thoughts on what to do from here on in and if you think there’s a chance I can get him back in the future or if it sounds like a lost cause, especially with his words “I did see this coming to a head in the long run”. Anyways would love your thoughts on what to do……… does his words sound to you like it’s over forever?

Another really sad part is is that we were also working on music projects together (we are both in the music industry)……..and I’m not sure if the work is ultimately going to be lost now or how to at least start up a friendship (and when that would be appropriate) and if it’s possibly to keep it business for now and when to bring all of that stuff up? We had major label interest in the work we were doing and it would be a shame to let it all go, but his good friend (also in the industry) told me not to try and be friends and to just leave him alone, move on and forget about all the work and maybe in many years when we’re both over each other we can be, but not now.

I’m so gutted…….. I lost the love of my life, my best friend and my music, what do I do? Can anything be done to rebuild a friendship if anything?

Thank you 🙁

September 13, 2014 at 12:43 pm #64836

Matt
Participant

Jen,

Sojourner already said what came to heart for me, too. He has closed the door, made it clear that he needs space, and you’re still pressing onto his side, obsessing. Said differently, he isn’t the love of your life, dear sister, that love is inside you. Consider reading up on “the stages of grief”, which might help you process some of the emotions.

Sorry I don’t have better news, sis. Make sure to take lots of time to give yourself tender attention, making the space to let go of the old dreams with him and dream a new path for yourself. Consider giving soj’s post a few rereads, and try. Hugs to you, sis.

With warmth,
Matt

September 13, 2014 at 1:17 pm #64838

Jen A.
Participant

Thank you @amatt – your words have really helped me so much I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know the door is closed, do you get the sense from what he said in his letter that it was closed for good or for now? and could you provide any insight on how to approach the working relationship if he needs this space? Do I just walk away completely from our music projects or try again in a month with “postcards” – or should I flat out call him about it?

I want to have a business relationship with him again (that’s how we started) – but it’s a delicate balance because I don’t want him to completely shut me out forever in all areas, so what do I do? Is a friendship possible and how/when?

September 13, 2014 at 1:34 pm #64839

Matt
Participant

Jen,

I think the business relationship idea is “creative Jen” wanting whatever bits of him she can get. Such as, door closed, check the window? Maybe his office? Maybe his best friend? Maybe his mother?

I’m not psychic, sis, my sense from his words are he wants the door closed. It doesn’t feel like postcards will be of any use, here. Here, self exploration. Grieving, letting go, getting back on your own two feet, meeting and healing the “addiction” quality that has you on his front porch trying to devise ways to knock without knocking.

You have a tenacious heart, and I’m sure much beauty would bloom for you if only you would aim it at fertile fields instead, at your own home instead of his.

With warmth,
Matt

September 13, 2014 at 1:46 pm #64840

Jen A.
Participant

okay thank you @amatt

I get the sense he wants the door closed too and am going to take up all your advice on moving on and healing/grieving – but I’m unsure if it’s just for now, or forever? Do you get the sense it’s forever? And if so, after I grieve I do want to have a friendship with him for the sake of salvaging the songs we did together and taking them to the record labels that were interested in our project. Is that possible?

Also – do you feel him wanting the door closed is because he is simply in the grieving process not knowing what he wants or does it sound to you like he does know as far as him and I are concerned and is closing it for good?

Is there anything I can do to try to salvage any of what we had (working relationship/friendship) – truth is, of course I want to keep trying, maybe contact him in a month and work on a friendship and put the rest in God’s hands, but what I’m trying to say is do you get the sense it’s completely irreconcilable and nothing I can try to do in the future to gently show him the porch light is still on?

Thanks again so much, words can not describe my gratitude to you.

September 13, 2014 at 5:13 pm #64857

Matt
Participant

Jen,

I think you over estimate my ability to interpret snippets of some things his friend said to you and so forth. I’m not answering those kind of questions, sis. It doesn’t feel helpful to try to guess, encouraging you to look for hope “out there” when it would be far better for it to grow “in there”.

With warmth,
Matt

September 13, 2014 at 6:03 pm #64858

Inky
Participant

Hi Jen,

Sorry to interrupt the dialog! Can I just add, that I know this is really, really hard. But that, sometimes, the more you poke, prod, guess, make contact, make indirect contact, etc. the more it won’t work. You are in that territory.

Think of it like taking medicine. “Oh, if one Tablespoon is recommended, then drinking the bottle should do it!” but in reality, your medicine would then become your poison.

So, yes, let’s say two/three contacts is the very most you can do to make your situation better. However, after that third contact, a fourth, would start putting you going in the opposite direction, a fifth you become an irritant, a sixth you are now the crazy stalker chick.

Don’t be the crazy stalker chick. Do you hear what I’m saying to you?? For goodness sake, give the boy some breathing room ~ a chance to miss you! Not breathing room as in “Thank God she’s finally gone”. But that means you have to stop. Now!

This will be difficult. No texting, calling, talking to your friends, his friends, gifting, running into. The sooner you stop, the sooner he will contact you ~ on his own.

September 14, 2014 at 10:39 am #64877

Jen A.
Participant

okay thank you @inky – I felt as if I was giving him enough space as in early August I gave him 4 days where I didn’t call or text, he told me that he has planned to call me in a week and was glad I got in touch, after that we were still together and sorting through when he would come visit me for my birthday – when he didn’t I got mad again, we had another big fight, and from August 23rd we didn’t talk for 2 weeks until I sent an apology letter (though during that time a friend did drop in with an old gift she was supposed to give him back in June and forgot to) – I guess I thought I was giving him enough space to come around, but it’s true, I was always the one to reach out first and every has said “let him come to you”. I guess the hardest thing is, as has seemed to be proven, is the more space I seem to give him, the more angry and distant he has become and perhaps more time to think and be away from me (not to mention we are in 2 different countries until January) the more time he has to forget about me, about us…….. especially since we haven’t seen each other face to face since June……. that’s the only reason I felt a phone friendship at some point would be a good idea, if not to salvage our relationship, to at least salvage our working relationship which will greatly affect my career if we can’t 🙁

I’ve decided to give it a month at least from this point where I do not reach out to him or his friends in any manner – after his last letter, I simply replied via text “Hey Just wanted u to know I received your letter and I completely understand, thank you for being honest. I too have so much to fix in my life that I can’t be in a relationship right now either. And I’m sorry to hear you’re grieving, but the pain will soon pass, I promise. Now that our relationship is in the past, as time heals I hope we can get back to being the bestest friends we once were. Thinking and praying for you – let’s catch up soon 🙂

So that’s where it stands now.

I’ve since taken up a night class and joined a sports team to get my mind off of him but I’m wondering if I don’t hear from him in the next month do I wait longer? at what point can I reach out to talk to him about the music project we started (recording an album together with major label interest already)

Thanks for chiming in Inky! I know exactly what you’re talking about, I’ve seen friends do this – believe me I’m trying SOOOOOOO hard not to get to “crazy stalker chick” status without losing my mind lol – hence why I’m on this forum! haha

September 14, 2014 at 1:30 pm #64880

Inky
Participant

Interest from a major label? OK, in like, ten days or so, have your agent/band member/studio communicate with him on that. i.e. “Hey, Prometheus Records wants to sign a contract, we have a meeting with our studio/lawyer/agent on Oct. 1st/.”

But honestly? Stay away from him.

He’s too much and not enough.

I think I can speak for everyone that we’ve all been through this. And we’ve also had that “Oh God” feeling when we’re trying to end a relationship and be kind but we keep getting contacted. Don’t give him any more “Oh God” feelings concerning you. Pavlov’s dog in reverse.

September 17, 2014 at 3:47 pm #65100

Jen A.
Participant

Thanks @inky and @amatt for all the helpful advice.

I’m doing A LOT better today – trying to heal myself, find the love within myself and become whole on my own. Doing lots of meditation and reading and signed up for some fun courses.

On Monday I surprisingly, sort of heard from my ex – he sent me a link to a new movie trailer, the sequel to one of our favorite movies and first one we ever saw together…… I was in shock as it felt he’d never make any effort to contact me again…… not sure what this means, but I guess it’s a good sign? I wasn’t sure whether to reply or not, but by night time I decided to reply since I DO want a friendship in time so I replied “oooooh looks good”

So there’s the update – just continuing to work on me right now, a little confused by him reaching out with the link, but hoping it’s a good sign? Not sure if I should reach out at some point, or continue to wait for him to message me again? – At least it’s not at the forefront of my thoughts lately……. I’m really doing great all things considered.

Thanks again you guys for all your support. Whenever I feel I’m getting down again I simply come here and re-read all your loving advice. Bless your hearts 🙂

September 17, 2014 at 4:25 pm #65102

Inky
Participant

Hi Jen,

That’s great!

I would let him continue to take the lead. Some people would say wait a few days before responding, but it’s up to you.

OK, you had your communication, now sit back and wait for him to contact you again! And have fun in the meantime with YOU!

Inky

September 18, 2014 at 10:31 am #65160

cat dancing
Participant

Oh dearest Jen! My heart aches for you. I am so sorry this happened to you. Let me assure you, however, that this is HIM, not YOU. He is the one looking for reasons to push you away right now. Arguments in relationships are not unusual; giving someone the silent treatment, i.e. ignoring them, being unresponsive, not communicating as if you are invisible, IS. Silent treatment is a form of abuse. You sent your apology on MONDAY to someone who PROFESSED to love you and care about you etc. but to not respond to that until today is NOT LOVE. I do not say this to hurt you but rather to prevent you from further hurt.

You cannot go back to the way it was in the beginning because that scenario doesn’t exist any more. He is not entangled in his marriage any longer, your role is different now and unfortunately he is apparently ambivilent about it. Again, this is NOT YOU, it’s HIM. Read up on triangulation and some lightbulbs might click for you.

I know you don’t want to let go, but in my opinion that would be the best thing to try to do right now.

I believe this person has his sights set on someone else, whether it be his ex-wife or someone new.

I believe this person will not change.

Please try to believe him when he is telling you that he can’t be what you wish right now. Perhaps ever. Please try to accept the truth that perhaps this person is NOT who you thought he was; that he was willing to risk your emotions for his need to “have his cake and eat it too” and then change his mind.

I believe all of the above because I have walked in your shoes. What I learned was eye-opening, life-changing and quite painful. I will never again become involved with someone who is still married, regardless of the state of that marriage or the professsed separation, etc. etc. Not judging you for this at all, just saying I have been exactly where you are at and once the divorce happened, rather than the relationship soaring, it went into the tank and I was spinning…

Be kind to yourself. Eat well. Sleep. Cry. Write like crazy, write all your feelings, read all you can about similar behavior patterns, remind yourself that you are safe and you will be okay; make a list of your outstanding qualities; make a list of things that make you feel good and set about doing JUST ONE THING that makes you feel good about yourself even if you aren’t really “feeling it.” Fake it til you make it, they say. Most of all, please try not to contact this person again for a while, perhaps forever. Any further contact with him will set yourself up for the possibility of being ignored, being treated coldly, amping up his hurtful words, etc. etc. Focus on yourself and whatever it is you need to do to feel better right now.

I hope this helps you some. I have walked in your shoes and am well on the other side, where life is a grand adventure! Truly! The more you sweep out the debris from this painful scenario, the more room it makes for something beautiful to enter your life. You can let it all go one minute at a time.

Love,
catdancing

September 19, 2014 at 1:50 am #65206

Jen A.
Participant

Thank you so much @catdancing for your insight and powerful words to think about. I have had many moments of feeling angry and thinking about all the things you write about. I’m so torn as his brother who I am close to (we were friends before I even knew my ex) told me that he’s still grieving and doesn’t want a girlfriend right now but that he still loves me tho is resentful and has drawn a lot of parallels to his ex-wife due to the way our last fight went down and the things I said (which mirrored the things she would say and the way she spoke to him). His brother said he was highly annoyed with me and resentful of one thing I said in particular because he felt I wasn’t understanding of his divorce, his emotions and continued to put all kinds of pressure on his life, work wise too (we were working together on a music project). He himself told me he realizes in order to make me happy he has to meet my demands, it’s always go here, do this, make this, do that….. which does have truth to it, I realize now I did put a lot of pressure on him to get divorced sooner than he wanted to (as his ex-wife was still overly emotional and he preferred to wait til she was completely moved on), then work on our music project and then at the same time come visit me out of country all while he just got divorced. He said it was too much pressure on top of everything else he was dealing with and tho I deserve a boyfriend who can do all of that, he couldn’t be that guy right now……. he said it’s much easier to focus on him and his son and getting his son used to the new situation without having to meet anyone elses demands or requirements, he did also say “I love you and want you, but the right way, not while I’m sad, vulnerable and angry…….not in the mindset I’m in….. I’ve been so burned by love that I don’t want to focus on it, I need to focus on my son and working through my issues right now”………. his brother confirmed that he became annoyed at me after the fight (and incredibly angry and resentful) and that’s why he avoided me, also because he didn’t want to go off on me and felt he would if we kept talking…………His brother also confirmed he was grieving and seemingly angry at the world………. he did also tell me that a lot of girls at his work have been trying to get with him, but it’s been simple flirting and even at his urging, my ex currently refuses to sleep with any of them………… (he’s not a player type, quite the opposite, this I know from having been best friends with him before we ever fell in love) BUT he is enjoying the attention and there may be one that he has started having a little crush on, and may have hung out with once or twice in the last week, but his brother said it’s nothing serious and can’t see it becoming that anytime soon if at all as he knows 100% my ex is trying to focus on his career and his son and healing and refuses to have a girlfriend until he puts his life in order.

So as you can understand, I am torn…….. EVERYTHING you are saying makes so much sense and yes, I’m angry that he risked my emotions for his need to have his cake and eat it too, and in the end changed his mind. Or at least for now……. It wasn’t fair to me. All the things I had to put up with counted for nothing……. I became another problem and he just tossed me out the window instead of remembered what a good woman I was to him for so long………. not fair 🙁

I’m wondering if your experiences were similar? Can you explain what you mean by triangulation in this case? I did look it up but couldn’t relate our situation to anything I read for the articles talked about manipulative, psychopathic, secretive type behavior and this really wasn’t the case for us. We actually had the most perfect, open relationship (of course hidden from his exwife and social media) our good friends knew about us and were very supportive and thought we were soulmates all along……… and we were very happy and despite dealing with his crazy ex-wife and living in fear of her (she is a full blown narcissist and made threats to destroy his career, take away their son from him if he didn’t get back together with her, despite being the one who left him for another man and moved out) we really did have an AMAZING relationship, grown slowly over time out of working together and becoming best friends. Everyone saw it and told me they’ve never seen him happier in all the years they knew him……. and of course my friends and family felt the same about me.

Please share what your experience was, and if it was similar? I’d love to know more about triangulation as well and maybe how it applied to you or how you see it could apply to my situation?

Thanks so much for all your help and tho I’m still so confused about what to make out of our relationship ultimately, I feel really empowered having read your words and to know you are in a much better place now!

So thank you!
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