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Jen A.

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  • #65784

    Jen A.
    Participant

    Thanks so much @lucie – we already apologized to eachother via letters – but he confirmed in his return letter that he couldn’t be in a relationship right now and was grieving and couldn’t drag me through the mud and be that guy for me right now………

    4 days after the letter I sent, and his return, is when he sent me the movie trailer and started liking pics, but that was 2 weeks ago and has since cooled off……… so I’m wondering if I should just reach out at this point or what I can do to make him make the first move? I don’t believe in playing games but I’m wondering if maybe it’s not so bad afterall?

    Thanks again:)

    #65653

    Jen A.
    Participant

    Hi @lovemygreyhound

    I’m curious how this worked out for you too, I’m going through the same thing, boyfriend withdrew and just said he couldn’t be in a relationship right now and got very resentful from a fight we had that led to the breakup and he ultimately drew comparisons in his mind to his ex and I…… anyways I have just started to apply the 30 day no contact rule curious how it turned out for you…… 2 weeks ago I ended up sending him an apology letter and accepting things, he sent an apology letter back and I further thanked him by text, keeping very cool and composed and after that, 4 days later, he seemed to be coming around cuz he sent me a movie trailer to our fave movie (3rd sequal out this winter)….. then a few days later I think he saw guys commenting on my profile and he started liking photos (something he never EVER did)……… I’m only less than 2 weeks into no contact (started it after he sent me the movie trailer as a replied with a “oooh looks good”)……. and I’m going MENTAL lol it’s sooo hard and painful….. but I’m wondering what happened for you.

    Thanks so much 🙂

    #65519

    Jen A.
    Participant

    Thanks @fortuna – I honestly am so lost as to what’s going on. What you said is exactly my thoughts….. if he truly wants me he would have never let me go……. yet I hit him with words during our fight and during his lowest of times that paralleled things his exwife would say and he even referred to me as the version 2.0 of her! Yikes. His friends told me he said “I do still love her but I don’t need another (ex-wife’s name) in my life right now” – He’s incredibly angry and resentful towards me so I guess that could explain why he thought he didn’t want me in his life, but now that he sees I’m moving on and has had about a month of space seems to be coming around again? I’m not sure if that’s what it is, that’s why I’m wondering if anyone’s been through it before?

    Here’s my original post: http://tinybuddha.com/topic/my-boyfriend-is-withdrawn-and-ignoring-me-after-his-divorce-how-do-i-save-us/

    This is so incredibly hard – I really do want to save us, I felt from day one he was THE ONE. 🙁

    #65518

    Jen A.
    Participant

    @here4now

    Yes he’s going through a divorce but I honestly in my heart believe we’re soulmates and want to know what the best thing to do to reconcile now that he seems to be showing signs of maybe missing me? Here’s the full story (My original post) 🙁

    http://tinybuddha.com/topic/my-boyfriend-is-withdrawn-and-ignoring-me-after-his-divorce-how-do-i-save-us/

    #65442

    Jen A.
    Participant

    Latest update:
    So I found out the truth of why he withdrew……. and has since broken it off. The fight that we had and weeks leading up to it made him feel I was needy and pushy (pushing him to get the divorce) and when we fought I said some mean things to him that his now ex-wife said, that ultimately made him draw parallel to her and question our relationship and further himself as a man. He built up anger and resentment towards me and was no longer feeling attracted to me as a person and numb to the relationship at that time…….. so he just wanted out. Especially because he was grieving the divorce and I hit him with putting pressure on him and fighting with him, making him feel he wasn’t man enough, at the lowest point in his life.
    So that was the real reason he wanted out….. though he still deeply loves me (so I’m being continually told by those close to him) he fell out of love with me and it was replaced by anger and resentment and he’s now needing to build himself up again and trying to get attention from other girls it seems……
    However – since my apology letter to him (and his reply back) he has seemingly been reaching out in really small ways…… first by sending me a link to our fave movie, and it’s new trailer to the series…… second he’s been liking my photos on facebook (which he never did before and I used to jokingly bug him about it)…… it seems he likes photos immediately after guy friends write on my wall….almost as if he’s being territorial? (I don’t know…….. I don’t understand male behavior or males at all at this point lol) He also seems to be posting stuff to get my attention……not to make me jealous but just to get me to reach out, such as selfies of him being sick (I used to always worry about him when he was sick and want to take care of him) – his recent posts are out of character and friends believe he’s trying to get my attention.
    Anyways – I think these are all good signs of him coming around, but I just don’t know what to do at this point? Do I keep waiting for him to come to me and actually send a real text……. do I start reaching out to see how he’s doing? Do I go on dates and make him feel like he’s losing me just a little (maybe a little jealousy is a good thing?)
    I don’t understand the male withdrawing pattern when they are hurt….. but I get now more than ever it’s how men deal……. but can anybody tell me what may be going on with him at this point based on his recent behavioral change?
    Thanks everyone for your continued support! xo<3

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  Jen A..
    #65252

    Jen A.
    Participant

    @catdancing Wow I’m so sorry you had to go through that for so long. That sounds so incredibly painful and I’m very happy to know you came out of it a survivor and are in a better place! Fantastic!

    Looking back, what do you believe is the real reason your ex or “the destroyer” got involved with you during his separation? Do you believe it was real love at some point or simply because he enjoyed “triangulation”? (still trying to fully understand this concept) – Also, why do you think, or what reasons did your ex give you for falling apart after the divorce?

    In my case, I pushed and pushed and pushed my man to hurry up and get the divorce, earlier than he had planned to (he wanted to take a year and wait until his wife was completely over him and not in an emotional state for the sake of their son as she’s irrational and irate when she’s emotional and scary to deal with) – He ended up getting the divorce 6 months into our relationship, after 1 week of A LOT of pushing on my part (because after seeing signs, I was extremely worried she was plotting to take their son away from him and saw a need for him to not wait until she was unemotional at this point)

    I feel now, he did it to make me happy and relieve my worries and I think I got him panicked too that she was plotting, but the truth is, I knew all along he wanted to make it an amicable divorce and wanted to wait til she moved on and wasn’t emotional………. I know now that he really wasn’t ready or prepared the wrath of her and the aftermath, including the unexpected grieving and feelings of failure which he’s still currently dealing with and it ultimately caused a storm of emotions when she signed, not only inside of him but because she was furious and completely cut him off, which tore him apart because she refused to ever see him again, even for the sake of their son and he ultimately couldn’t believe he allowed it to end like that and his son became very affected by his parents no longer having a friendship…… (a month later she started coming around again of course but only because she tried to get him back again…….. but has now accepted it’s over)

    Wondering if your ex went through a grieving stage as well or if you believe he was really just a manipulative, psychopathic type described in the triangulation articles I’ve read and did it for pure pleasure? (Its so hard to believe people do that!)

    Thanks again for sharing all your wisdom based on your real life story – it is all so valuable to me. Bless your heart.

    #65206

    Jen A.
    Participant

    Thank you so much @catdancing for your insight and powerful words to think about. I have had many moments of feeling angry and thinking about all the things you write about. I’m so torn as his brother who I am close to (we were friends before I even knew my ex) told me that he’s still grieving and doesn’t want a girlfriend right now but that he still loves me tho is resentful and has drawn a lot of parallels to his ex-wife due to the way our last fight went down and the things I said (which mirrored the things she would say and the way she spoke to him). His brother said he was highly annoyed with me and resentful of one thing I said in particular because he felt I wasn’t understanding of his divorce, his emotions and continued to put all kinds of pressure on his life, work wise too (we were working together on a music project). He himself told me he realizes in order to make me happy he has to meet my demands, it’s always go here, do this, make this, do that….. which does have truth to it, I realize now I did put a lot of pressure on him to get divorced sooner than he wanted to (as his ex-wife was still overly emotional and he preferred to wait til she was completely moved on), then work on our music project and then at the same time come visit me out of country all while he just got divorced. He said it was too much pressure on top of everything else he was dealing with and tho I deserve a boyfriend who can do all of that, he couldn’t be that guy right now……. he said it’s much easier to focus on him and his son and getting his son used to the new situation without having to meet anyone elses demands or requirements, he did also say “I love you and want you, but the right way, not while I’m sad, vulnerable and angry…….not in the mindset I’m in….. I’ve been so burned by love that I don’t want to focus on it, I need to focus on my son and working through my issues right now”………. his brother confirmed that he became annoyed at me after the fight (and incredibly angry and resentful) and that’s why he avoided me, also because he didn’t want to go off on me and felt he would if we kept talking…………His brother also confirmed he was grieving and seemingly angry at the world………. he did also tell me that a lot of girls at his work have been trying to get with him, but it’s been simple flirting and even at his urging, my ex currently refuses to sleep with any of them………… (he’s not a player type, quite the opposite, this I know from having been best friends with him before we ever fell in love) BUT he is enjoying the attention and there may be one that he has started having a little crush on, and may have hung out with once or twice in the last week, but his brother said it’s nothing serious and can’t see it becoming that anytime soon if at all as he knows 100% my ex is trying to focus on his career and his son and healing and refuses to have a girlfriend until he puts his life in order.

    So as you can understand, I am torn…….. EVERYTHING you are saying makes so much sense and yes, I’m angry that he risked my emotions for his need to have his cake and eat it too, and in the end changed his mind. Or at least for now……. It wasn’t fair to me. All the things I had to put up with counted for nothing……. I became another problem and he just tossed me out the window instead of remembered what a good woman I was to him for so long………. not fair 🙁

    I’m wondering if your experiences were similar? Can you explain what you mean by triangulation in this case? I did look it up but couldn’t relate our situation to anything I read for the articles talked about manipulative, psychopathic, secretive type behavior and this really wasn’t the case for us. We actually had the most perfect, open relationship (of course hidden from his exwife and social media) our good friends knew about us and were very supportive and thought we were soulmates all along……… and we were very happy and despite dealing with his crazy ex-wife and living in fear of her (she is a full blown narcissist and made threats to destroy his career, take away their son from him if he didn’t get back together with her, despite being the one who left him for another man and moved out) we really did have an AMAZING relationship, grown slowly over time out of working together and becoming best friends. Everyone saw it and told me they’ve never seen him happier in all the years they knew him……. and of course my friends and family felt the same about me.

    Please share what your experience was, and if it was similar? I’d love to know more about triangulation as well and maybe how it applied to you or how you see it could apply to my situation?

    Thanks so much for all your help and tho I’m still so confused about what to make out of our relationship ultimately, I feel really empowered having read your words and to know you are in a much better place now!

    So thank you!

    #65100

    Jen A.
    Participant

    Thanks @inky and @amatt for all the helpful advice.

    I’m doing A LOT better today – trying to heal myself, find the love within myself and become whole on my own. Doing lots of meditation and reading and signed up for some fun courses.

    On Monday I surprisingly, sort of heard from my ex – he sent me a link to a new movie trailer, the sequel to one of our favorite movies and first one we ever saw together…… I was in shock as it felt he’d never make any effort to contact me again…… not sure what this means, but I guess it’s a good sign? I wasn’t sure whether to reply or not, but by night time I decided to reply since I DO want a friendship in time so I replied “oooooh looks good”

    So there’s the update – just continuing to work on me right now, a little confused by him reaching out with the link, but hoping it’s a good sign? Not sure if I should reach out at some point, or continue to wait for him to message me again? – At least it’s not at the forefront of my thoughts lately……. I’m really doing great all things considered.

    Thanks again you guys for all your support. Whenever I feel I’m getting down again I simply come here and re-read all your loving advice. Bless your hearts 🙂

    #64877

    Jen A.
    Participant

    okay thank you @inky – I felt as if I was giving him enough space as in early August I gave him 4 days where I didn’t call or text, he told me that he has planned to call me in a week and was glad I got in touch, after that we were still together and sorting through when he would come visit me for my birthday – when he didn’t I got mad again, we had another big fight, and from August 23rd we didn’t talk for 2 weeks until I sent an apology letter (though during that time a friend did drop in with an old gift she was supposed to give him back in June and forgot to) – I guess I thought I was giving him enough space to come around, but it’s true, I was always the one to reach out first and every has said “let him come to you”. I guess the hardest thing is, as has seemed to be proven, is the more space I seem to give him, the more angry and distant he has become and perhaps more time to think and be away from me (not to mention we are in 2 different countries until January) the more time he has to forget about me, about us…….. especially since we haven’t seen each other face to face since June……. that’s the only reason I felt a phone friendship at some point would be a good idea, if not to salvage our relationship, to at least salvage our working relationship which will greatly affect my career if we can’t 🙁

    I’ve decided to give it a month at least from this point where I do not reach out to him or his friends in any manner – after his last letter, I simply replied via text “Hey Just wanted u to know I received your letter and I completely understand, thank you for being honest. I too have so much to fix in my life that I can’t be in a relationship right now either. And I’m sorry to hear you’re grieving, but the pain will soon pass, I promise. Now that our relationship is in the past, as time heals I hope we can get back to being the bestest friends we once were. Thinking and praying for you – let’s catch up soon 🙂

    So that’s where it stands now.

    I’ve since taken up a night class and joined a sports team to get my mind off of him but I’m wondering if I don’t hear from him in the next month do I wait longer? at what point can I reach out to talk to him about the music project we started (recording an album together with major label interest already)

    Thanks for chiming in Inky! I know exactly what you’re talking about, I’ve seen friends do this – believe me I’m trying SOOOOOOO hard not to get to “crazy stalker chick” status without losing my mind lol – hence why I’m on this forum! haha

    #64840

    Jen A.
    Participant

    okay thank you @amatt

    I get the sense he wants the door closed too and am going to take up all your advice on moving on and healing/grieving – but I’m unsure if it’s just for now, or forever? Do you get the sense it’s forever? And if so, after I grieve I do want to have a friendship with him for the sake of salvaging the songs we did together and taking them to the record labels that were interested in our project. Is that possible?

    Also – do you feel him wanting the door closed is because he is simply in the grieving process not knowing what he wants or does it sound to you like he does know as far as him and I are concerned and is closing it for good?

    Is there anything I can do to try to salvage any of what we had (working relationship/friendship) – truth is, of course I want to keep trying, maybe contact him in a month and work on a friendship and put the rest in God’s hands, but what I’m trying to say is do you get the sense it’s completely irreconcilable and nothing I can try to do in the future to gently show him the porch light is still on?

    Thanks again so much, words can not describe my gratitude to you.

    #64838

    Jen A.
    Participant

    Thank you @amatt – your words have really helped me so much I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know the door is closed, do you get the sense from what he said in his letter that it was closed for good or for now? and could you provide any insight on how to approach the working relationship if he needs this space? Do I just walk away completely from our music projects or try again in a month with “postcards” – or should I flat out call him about it?

    I want to have a business relationship with him again (that’s how we started) – but it’s a delicate balance because I don’t want him to completely shut me out forever in all areas, so what do I do? Is a friendship possible and how/when?

    #64833

    Jen A.
    Participant

    @amatt

    Hi Matt,

    As your words always touch my soul when I need it most, (and I really need them the most right now) I was wondering if you could tell me how and/if to send metaphoric postcards at this stage now since the last update I wrote (he broke up with me via letter)……..not sure if you wouldn’t mind reading my last update, but I would love to get your thoughts on what to do from here on in and if you think there’s a chance I can get him back in the future or if it sounds like a lost cause, especially with his words “I did see this coming to a head in the long run”. Anyways would love your thoughts on what to do……… does his words sound to you like it’s over forever?

    Another really sad part is is that we were also working on music projects together (we are both in the music industry)……..and I’m not sure if the work is ultimately going to be lost now or how to at least start up a friendship (and when that would be appropriate) and if it’s possibly to keep it business for now and when to bring all of that stuff up? We had major label interest in the work we were doing and it would be a shame to let it all go, but his good friend (also in the industry) told me not to try and be friends and to just leave him alone, move on and forget about all the work and maybe in many years when we’re both over each other we can be, but not now.

    I’m so gutted…….. I lost the love of my life, my best friend and my music, what do I do? Can anything be done to rebuild a friendship if anything?

    Thank you 🙁

    #64809

    Jen A.
    Participant

    Thank you Soj, I’m so scared that his letter was indirectly saying that he made up his mind tho forever? As he didn’t mention anything about possibility of a future. His bestfriend told me “he’s thinking clearly again, he knows what he wants, I think you were a rebound…..you need to move on, if a man really loves a woman, no matter what he would never let her go…….maybe take a break but not let her go completely” – what do you think of this logic? Could it be possible he actually is thinking clearly a month and a half after his divorce?

    #64776

    Jen A.
    Participant

    Hi Matt and Everyone,

    So here’s the update –

    I sent him an email apology on Monday, very heartfelt, no grabbing at him just reaffirming him, what he meant to me and apologizing for not being more understanding during the week of his divorce and asked for his forgiveness as his friends told me he was still very angry and resentful towards me for words I said to him during that time and the way the fighting escalated.

    He finally responded today, kind of surprising, it was very cold. He apologized saying it was selfish of him to drag me into his situation and that he misses me and our lives together but said “I’m sorry i can’t be that guy for u right now. I blame all that happened on timing. I didn’t give myself a proper grieving/self assessment period. I saw a beautiful great woman, and jumped at the chance to have u. However I did see this situation coming to a head in the long run. I saw it beginning to unfold in march. I started seeing where my situation was taking a toll on u, and my insecurities were surfacing in our relationship. I just wanted u so bad. There so much i should have done, but i only saw blind love. I tried to “have my cake and eat it.” I wasn’t all the way out of and over my previous before i started something new. ……..”

    he also said “I realize I’m in a grieving process, and i can’t drag u through the mud while I’m going through it. I don’t want to mistreat u in any way. I hate that we spoke to each other that way. I hate that i conjured resentment toward u, and said u were a burden” and mentioned that he wasn’t over his ex-wife and is sad their marriage failed………..

    I texted him back that I understood and wasn’t able to be in a relationship right now either due to needing to fix things in myself as well and that I hope we can be friends again when time starts to heal……..

    It definitely feels he’s still very angry………. it’s been a month and a half since the papers were signed and all hell broke loose, I’m hurting bad thinking that maybe he never did love me beyond blind love? was it all a lie? and of course wondering if his anger and resentment towards me and the fact he’s going through it right now is clouding his feelings towards me to write such a cold letter, he even started off as “Hey Diva Swag” so casual………

    What should I make of all this? Do you think it’s simply that he’s in the grieving headspace that he’s being so cold and almost seemingly brushing off what we had? Not once did he mention in the letter, anything about trying again in the future, or that he still loved me, although his friend told me he just told him 2 days ago he did still love me………. but again the letter was quite vague and cold, it ended with saying he wasn’t in love with his wife but not over her and last line was “it’s definitely not fair to you, I’m sorry” – That’s all. That’s how the letter ended 🙁

    Do you think this is all just him grieving or has enough time passed for him to be thinking clearly enough about our situation to know it’s over for good but he’s just not flat out saying it?

    How can I tell if there’s a chance of reconciliation in our future once the grieving and anger have subsided? Do I keep sending “postcards” from time to time? what do I do from here, I don’t want to let go, but I can’t tell anymore what I should do……. Too confused and perhaps clouded by my own emotions I suppose as well 🙁 🙁 🙁 so broken right now.

    Please help 🙁

    #64403

    Jen A.
    Participant

    Matt – first of all, I really have to say, you are an incredibly talented writer and so wise. I’m just curious if you are a professional writer, you have a way with words that continue to lift me and help bring me clarity. I feel honored and blessed beyond words that you are taking your time to respond and continue to help bring clarity and comfort, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    The truth is, I really do love my boyfriend (or ex as it seems), despite how hurt I am by him and in the end I just want our incredible relationship back and him to love me again the way he used to and get past his anger towards me and find his way home. I do want to try to save us, however I’m wondering what you think, is it really me who should be doing this? or him?

    I’m also trying to understand and make sense of it all……….. I’m of the mindset that if a man really loves a woman, no matter what and no matter how difficult times are, he’ll never break it off with her or try to get her to break up with him (which seems what my ex was ultimately doing)…….. it begs the question, did he fall out of love with me because of the fighting? maybe he really doesn’t want to be fought for…….. perhaps the question is, how do I get him to start fighting for me?

    Ugh……. I’m so confused……… bottom line, I do want him back as I’m so deeply and completely in love with him, I want him to heal and be happy and of course, I want him to show me he loves and wants me again 🙁 – I want the love of my life to find his way home.

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