Messy break up, I need advice

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This topic has 13 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 28, 2018 at 8:43 am #223355

Flower
Participant

Hello,

I’ve been going through a break up recently and I don’t know what to think
He was my first boyfriend and he ended our relationship after 5 months 4 weeks ago. At first, he was all I ever wanted in a partner : sweet, very caring, funny, sensitive etc … But then, he handled the break up very poorly and I don’t recognize him anymore

To sum it up, he said he lost feelings and that was probably due to the fact I was not his type. Then he started to list all the things he didn’t like about my appearance (my hair color, my weight …) even though he knows I have many insecurities ! He said he had an “ideal” and was not ready to give it up. And when I pointed out those comments were hurtful and unnecessary, he said “you asked me why I wanted to end it, so that’s why”.

He was very insensitive and cold-hearted and I had no idea he could behave like this. At the end, he left a note in a book he gave back to me telling “the truth is I loved you but i was scared” and when I emailed him about it, he said he had nothing to add… So now I am disconcerted, I dont know what to feel or do. He was such a nice guy, how could he change so radically ?

Those last days, I have been feeling sad that everything is over. After all I was invested in the relationship and to see it collapse … that hurts :/ I keep reliving the good moments, when he was loving and adorable, and seem to forget the times he behaved like a jerk. I crave his touch, his kisses and his cuddles Sometimes, I feel stupid because I start to idealise him again, to fantasize about us getting back together even though I know deep down it would be a terrible idea ! It’s like my brain is making up excuses for him. And I don’t understand how I can miss someone who obviously was not good to me, I feel weak. I am tired to think of him all the time, it’s exhausting and I don’t think he is worth the pain. I don’t really know if I miss him, or the idea of him and the relationship though

Do you think he was honest with the book note ? Should I just forget about him ? What do you think of all this ? I blocked him everywhere and I have no intention to talk to him

Thank you very much !

August 28, 2018 at 10:59 am #223439

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Flower:

I will be able to read and reply to your thread when I am back to the computer in about 16 hours. I hope other members will reply to you before I am back.

anita

August 28, 2018 at 11:14 am #223445

Michelle
Participant

Do you think he was honest with the book note? Possibly. It sounds like you both may be young and while he liked you, he still wants to play the field and get to know himself better and what he wants in life. His initial reaction does read like a male who might be confused by his emotions. It doesn’t excuse his rudeness towards you though. You didn’t deserve that and please don’t let it affect your self-esteem too much.

Should I just forget about him? Honestly, I would. Move on to someone else. It doesn’t need to be immediate but you do deserve someone who isn’t questioning your rank in their life. Don’t settle for being an option.

What do you think of all this? I blocked him everywhere and I have no intention to talk to him. This is good. We all go through heartbreak in life. There will be more after this. You don’t need negativity in your life either. Block and move on. Better yourself and a better partner will eventually find their way into your life. Best of luck 🙂

August 28, 2018 at 1:47 pm #223463

Mark
Participant

Flower,

You are still in the shock of ending it. Give yourself time to let go and grieve. Then I would recommend you figure out what was your part in this relationship and how to do it better, wiser, more discerning next time.

Mark

August 29, 2018 at 5:01 am #223499

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Flower:

Your first relationship lasted five months. He broke up with you four weeks ago. You asked him why he ended it. His answer was that you are not his type and proceeded to list to you all the things he didn’t like about your appearance, including your hair color and weight. You then told him his answer hurt your feelings. His response was: “you asked me why I wanted to end it, so that’s why”.

Later on, in a note to you, he wrote: “the truth is I loved you but I was scared”. You asked him about it and he said that he had nothing to add to it.

You asked: “Do you think he was honest with the book note?”- I don’t find it difficult to believe anyone is scared because most people are scared. When scared in a relationship, people do come up with secondary reasons (true or not) for a breakup.

But there is another factor here: people, particularly men, most often do not say the truth when they break up with a girlfriend, they definitely don’t list her physical appearances as a reason. Instead, they try to be as nice as possible, partially honest or not at all, so to not hurt her feelings, particularly to not experience her anger. Lots of men breaking up are afraid of that anger.

So it is possible that he was honest at first then backtracked with the note. To figure out his honesty or lack of: during the five months, did he compliment you on your physical appearance, did he tell you that he likes how you look?

anita

August 29, 2018 at 5:13 am #223503
Inky
Participant
Hi Flower,

Usually the person who breaks up with us has been thinking about it for a while. We are always blindsided because of course they don’t say or hint at anything before hand. And guess what? It’s never about our hair color or weight. It’s often just a feeling they can’t put their finger on that they’re not the one for us. But to have a boy verbalize that? *scoff!*

No, it comes out in a panic: “It’s your hair color! weight!? type?” *oh, no, she’s not buying it! she looks great! better act cold towards her!*

I would (immature, I know!) keep him Unfriended but Unblock him so he can see your amazing Profile Pics (that you will change every few months or so). When a guy friend says “Gorgeous Pic!” you say, “I know, I look great!” All he will see (over the years because he WILL be kicking himself) when he stalks you on social media are occasional Profile Pics where everyone thinks you look fabulous.

He’s not exactly a GQ model himself, is he. There’s no good way to break up with someone, but he really botched it.

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
August 29, 2018 at 6:02 am #223509

Flower
Participant

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your help !

“during the five months, did he compliment you on your physical appearance, did he tell you that he likes how you look?” Yes, he didn’t miss an occasion to tell me how beautiful I was and how he was lucky to have me, but, he also said jockingly that I was not his type: brunette, brown eyes, 1m68. Although he wanted a blonde with blue eyes, shorter, 1m60 and 50 kg

“people, particularly men, most often do not say the truth when they break up with a girlfriend, they definitely don’t list her physical appearances as a reason. Instead, they try to be as nice as possible, partially honest or not at all, so to not hurt her feelings” That’s exactly what I thought : breaking up with someone is hard as it is, there is really no reason to make it even hurful by listing all the things you don’t like in their physical appearance 🙁 It is as if he had zero empathy

There’s something important I forgot to mention : when I met him, he was quite unhappy with his life and he had this idea of his dream girl that would come along and fix everything.

He said he was really glad he met me and how happy I made him. I was a bit worried because I thought that was a bit unhealthy and I felt like a trophy. He was very infatuated with me and then when he broke up with me he said that he “no longer felt the spark, the butterflies, he no longer missed me every second” and he had been feeling like this for 2 weeks.

And I had to explain him those feelings had to subside and that they would probably be replaced by deeper feelings and that “love” was not a rollercoaster of emotions (correct me if I am wrong, I don’t have much experience). He was very upsed when I told him I didn’t feel butterflies for him either

But he didn’t agree because his parents who had been married for 30 years still offered flowers to each other and he didn’t think relationships required work if it was meant to be

I think when things became more “cosy” (we stopped going on dates and stayed home to cuddle or watch a movie more often) he felt something was wrong.

We never argued and he seemed to genuinely appreciate my personnality.

And when I told him I would block him because i needed to heal, he was very upset because he wanted us to remain friends

August 29, 2018 at 6:09 am #223511

Flower
Participant

Dear Inky,

Thank you for your help !

Really, I think he hasn’t been thinking it for a while. Things were going absolutely great 2 or 3 weeks before, he seemed thrilled to see me but then I could feel something has changed. He no longer felt the “spark” and that worried him

“I would (immature, I know!) keep him Unfriended but Unblock him so he can see your amazing Profile Pics (that you will change every few months or so). When a guy friend says “Gorgeous Pic!” you say, “I know, I look great!” All he will see (over the years because he WILL be kicking himself) when he stalks you on social media are occasional Profile Pics where everyone thinks you look fabulous.”

Haha, that made me laugh xD

No he was not, and to be honest he was not my type either (he was a bit short) but I was still attracted to him

August 29, 2018 at 7:03 am #223517

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Flower:

You are welcome.

Reads like he was way less sensible/ mature than you, expecting spark and butterflies on a regular, “every second”. Not possible and probably not a good idea to be sparked up and butterflied every second, 24/7, if it was possible.

Reads like he has his type, that ideal look for him, but he was willing to settle for something else for as long as he was sparked and butterflied, that is, for as long as he had the experience he wanted. When he lost that experience, he broke up with you. I suppose the honest, real reason was just that, that he lost the spark-and-butterflies-experience.

And I agree, he did lack any empathy for you when he listed what he didn’t like about your looks. So he lacked sense/logic and empathy, not a good thing.

As to your question: “Should I just forget about him?”, my answer is a definite Yes. If you can, please do forget about him but take this lesson with you, that you need a man with sense and empathy, one who knows what you already know, that love is not a never ending spark and butterflies.

I hope you post again if you’d like, anytime you need to.

anita

August 31, 2018 at 8:15 am #223873
Flower
Participant
Dear Anita,

“Reads like he was way less sensible/ mature than you, expecting spark and butterflies on a regular, “every second”. Not possible and probably not a good idea to be sparked up and butterflied every second, 24/7, if it was possible.

Reads like he has his type, that ideal look for him, but he was willing to settle for something else for as long as he was sparked and butterflied, that is, for as long as he had the experience he wanted. When he lost that experience, he broke up with you. I suppose the honest, real reason was just that, that he lost the spark-and-butterflies-experience”

That is what I thought :/ He seemed so mature, confident and selfless. I can’t believe he said all those mean things about the way I look, I am still in shock

I think he was so wrapped up in his own head, that he pointed every reasons why he wanted to end it without paying attention to the way I felt and without trying to minimise my pain.

How will I know if someone is truly empathic ?

Thank you 🙂
- This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Flower.
August 31, 2018 at 10:31 am #223891

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Flower:

You are welcome.

“How will I know if someone is truly empathetic?”

My answer, observe over time the following:

1. when you share once in a while a hurt that you feel or felt (not with him, not as a result of his behavior), how does he behave? If as you talk he looks repeatedly elsewhere, checking his phone, maybe, interrupting you to talk about something else, or when you are done he says something like stuff happens or maybe he points to you that you did something stupid that brought about your hurt, then he is not empathetic.

2. When he talks to you about other people, or in company, he talks to the others about someone who is not there, does he make fun of people who are, let’s say, shy or who made mistakes, does he refer to people as worthless or dumb or other put down terms? If he does, he is not empathetic.

How did your ex boyfriend behave in regard to # 1 and 2?

anita

August 31, 2018 at 10:33 am #223893

Anonymous
Guest

* did not reflect under Topics

September 2, 2018 at 7:30 am #224077

Flower
Participant

Hello,

1/ At the beginning he was very caring. But I guess once the puppy love stage faded he became another person, he never asked me how I was doing after I told him I was going through I rough patch with my family (1 week before the break up). He wanted to know why I seemed depressed lately, but he never really checked on me after that

2/ He never did that, at least not in front of me and he seemed concerned when he saw less fortunate people. But, he was definitely fatphobic and showed no compassion for overweight persons 🙁 I think that comes from his mother who critisized him everytime he gained some weight saying “she didn’t love him anymore now that he was fat” (yeah, that’s awful I know…)

So I would say he was generally empathetic except for those people if that makes sense ?

September 3, 2018 at 7:26 am #224185

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Flower:

That was cruel of his mother, to tell him that “she didn’t love him anymore now that he was fat”. I assume you expressed empathy to him for having suffered such cruelty.

And he believed her, that he was not worthy of empathy, or love unless he is not overweight. So I suppose any time he gains weight that is dangerous, for him, and maybe he is alert as to how much he weighs. And then, he may be alert about the same in others, his empathy limited to the number on the scale.

He will make a lot of progress in the empathy department, toward himself and others, when he resolves this issue. Nothing you can do anything about.

Going back to your original post, you wrote that when he broke up with you, “he started to list all the things he didn’t like about my appearance (my hair color, my weight”- so there it is, the weight issue.

Cruelty often leads to cruelty. It is a shame.

anita
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