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Me vs his ex, is his behavior a red flag?

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • May 25, 2018 at 6:51 am #209361
    alexa05
    Participant

    To keep it short, my bf was showing me some pictures of him, and when he was going through different albums I happen to see an album cover which had the picture of his ex wife,besides this picture they send text messages to each other/communicate on a regular basis (I really don’t know who starts the message or conversation) and he even sees her in person when she needs a favor from him, should I feel worried an concerned or not. he is a great person with me, treats me very nice, but I want him to forget about her an move on. I get they where married for quite some time but they don’t have even have kids together so I don’t get all the communication between them. She is 58 and he is 46, I am 30.

    Plus the WORST is that yesterday we were together, and when we were going back home, he was checking his messages and he then tells me:” it was my ex wife she texted me that her car broke down” she is with a friend. and then when we get home he tells me let me call her, so he goes outside, why in the world would he not call her in front of me? you see this is what makes my head spin around, , the other thing that I don’t get why the hell does she have to call him to tell him that? and the worst part is that he sometimes goes an caters to her needs, like if he was her puppet, I feel he is a fool for being a way to nice after a divorce people usually don’t get this along after a DIVORCE! Honestly I really don’t know what to do, if just get it over with and have a conversation with him an tell him to forget his past and move on, I just cant keep swallowing my thoughts over an over. this has to stop or I am out. Why in the freaking world is he with me if lets say he still ha feelings for her? does not make sense at all.

    May 25, 2018 at 9:26 am #209373
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear alexa05:

    You feel very strongly about this, so much so that you stated: “this has to stop or I am out”.

    You wrote that he says “he still has feelings for her”- can you share more about what he told you: what feelings did he say he has for her?

    When you told him before how much it disturbs you that he visits her (including staying in her house, in your previous thread), how did he respond, what did he say?

    anita

    May 25, 2018 at 11:30 am #209385
    Mark
    Participant

    alexa05,

    The key to any relationship is being able to be authentic and compassionately communicate well with each other.

    Have the conversation.  Be honest in telling you how you feel.  Tell him how you feel but not tell him what to do or not do.  There is a difference in that communication, i.e. use “I feel” rather than “You should.”

    You cannot make him forget her but you can assert on how you want to be treated.

    Can you see the difference?

    Mark

    May 25, 2018 at 5:04 pm #209425
    Miss Midnight
    Participant

    Given the difference in their ages, this man practically married ‘Mum’ and it’s not healthy.  The things you say he’s doing are things a son might do for Mum – helping out when the car’s broken down, when Mum could just as easily call someone else.  But she knows he’ll come running – he wants ‘Mum’s’ approval.  You don’t say how long they’ve been divorced, and at least they can get along afterwards, it’s better than them screaming at each other! But it’s not a healthy relationship and it never was.  No-one’s going to get first place in this man’s heart now he’s 46 and still clinging to his mother figure. This is not down to her – it’s up to him to say ‘No’ to her and start letting go.  If he won’t – he won’t, and it doesn’t sound as if he’s going to start soon as you seem to have had this conversation with him already.  Don’t force him to make a choice – you WILL lose. You’re thirty – that’s nothing!  Plenty of fish in the sea.  Walk away. Tell him when he’s ready to let go of ‘Mum’ then he can get in touch. Speak and act maturely.   But don’t be surprised if you never hear from him again. At best he’ll drag it out and you’re hanging around waiting for him to make his mind up.  You can’t control his life and emotions but you can take control of your life.  Remember that any man you meet now in your age group will have some emotional baggage.  Here’s hoping it’s not as much baggage as your current bf is carrying.  He still has feelings for her, but not the sort you think. I believe he knows there’s something wrong, as he takes these phone calls in private. But he doesn’t want to face it.  Good luck.

     

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