fbpx
Menu

Married the wrong person? Long post alert

Home→Forums→Relationships→Married the wrong person? Long post alert

New Reply
Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • November 11, 2018 at 7:04 am #236363
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MeditateMe:

    I don’t know if there is a use asking this question, but maybe there is a use  to asking it:

    You wrote, “we broke up shortly before graduation, for pretty much nothing”- what was that Nothing?

    * Nothing  with a capital N because it must be something that broke such a serious relationship, one where marriage was planned.

    anita

     

    November 11, 2018 at 7:33 am #236367
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi MeditateMe,

    Please don’t throw away a marriage with a child for some college boyfriend who broke up with you over “Nothing”.

    They ALWAYS do this, these married or otherwise old college sweethearts!

    Let me lay it out for you: He’s like you, married with a family and he’s getting bored. He digs out his proverbial little black book (what guys had before computers) and stumbles upon your number/social media/address/old yearbook photo.

    He says “I remember Girlfriend Nothing! I wonder what she’s up to? Oh, she’s married *scoffs*. Well, she can’t be any happier than I am! Surely I will give her a call! Then when she dumps her hapless husband for me I’ll renew my vows with my wife!”

    Please, if you’re going to get a divorce, wait until your child is older, and don’t do it because of that sad sap. Save yourself. This is just a test from the Universe.

    Best,

    Inky

    November 11, 2018 at 8:39 am #236369
    Mark
    Participant

    MeditateMe,

    As long as you are in contact with him then you feed the possibility of getting back together with him, focus your attention away from your own marriage, and in a sense, leaving your husband emotionally and moving away from your commitment.

    Your ex is a fantasy of “what could have been” and “what was.”   Of course current reality is harder and less romantic.

    If you truly want to make things work with your husband then cut off all contact with your ex-boyfriend.  Talking with him just fuels the fantasy and directs your emotional energy away from your marriage.

    Mark

    November 11, 2018 at 10:18 am #236375
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Inky: this is one  of those Best of Inky’s (I am a fan!)

    Dear MeditateMe:

    I have more input to your post: there is no such things as “the right person” or “a forever thing”. There are wrong people for a relationship, but no   one right person. It is about working on the relationship as a team so to make  it right, to make  it beneficial for both parties, a Win-Win.

    And there is no  forever. All you can do today is increase the chances that there will be a day  after. Don’t give  up on your husband because of the Fantasy of the other guy, or any other fantasy.

    anita

     

    November 12, 2018 at 6:20 am #236503
    Inky
    Participant

    “Thank You, Thank You!” *bows*

    November 18, 2018 at 3:47 am #238229
    MeditateMe
    Participant

    Thanks everyone. As soon as i wrote this, i felt like an idiot, anyway. I got annoyed with my ex because i felt like he swooped in and used me because he’s not happy with his current situation. My marriage has hit its first low point

    this year, and because i wasn’t feeling emotionally supprted or connected, i allowed him to get into my head. I have stopped talking to him and have no desire to anymore. I definitely think we were stuck in the “fantasy” of where we were 10 years ago, but things have changed. I want to keep my family together, so my husband and I will need to figure out and do whatever it takes to make it work.

    November 18, 2018 at 5:19 am #238237
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MeditateMe:

    I think we are all  idiots  this way (“I felt like an idiot”), when we feel badly we want to feel better, we all do, so we entertain this or that thought or activity, so to feel better.

    A little summary of your marriage: married for three years, one child.  Recently the relationship “had become very mundane, no affection, no intimacy/sex, etc. and two months ago the two of you decided to go to counseling, couple or marriage counseling, I assume.

    My advice: couple counseling is an excellent  idea (may lead to individual counseling by the same  therapist or another). Something happened that has … killed the attraction that got the two of you together, getting married and having a child, anger likely, resentment. Resentment does kill feelings of intimacy very effectively. Such can be brought up in therapy. I attended couple therapy.  My therapist started  us with interpersonal skills,  getting effective communication  going. One principle  in such is EAR, standing  for Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect when communicating  with each other. That can be practiced within therapy sessions and continued in between, a practice that the two of you can persist in and get better  and better at it.

    I hope you post again with  your thoughts and feelings regarding your marriage.

    anita

     

     

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.