Dear Nia:

She sent him this message,  a quote from an article: “social relationship: keep distance from someone you like. Because that human heart is not for u”- I don’t know the context of this sentence: what was the article about, what happened between your husband and the woman before that message, or after.

In general, I’d say: your worries are not without  a basis in reality: he is a young man, she is a young woman, he thinks (he used to think, so I assume he still does) that she is attractive. He definitely likes her; also, husbands cheating on their wives is not unheard of, so all in all, there is some basis in reality to your worries, and jealousy. On the other hand, you don’t have evidence of more than flirting at the most, between the two of them.

It is possible that you will not be able to have peace of mind for as long as you know that he is working in the same place where she works, as long as you know that he has any contact with her. It is also  possible that you will not have peace of mind even if your husband no longer has any contact with her.. and there may be other women to worry about.

Because you don’t have children yet, consider the following possible solutions: divorce him (extreme solution, isn’t it.. but it may be the solution for you!), consider asking your husband to look for a job elsewhere and quit his current job. What do you think about these solutions?

Also, if you want to give me more context regarding the message she posted for him, please do.

anita

Dear Nia:

You are welcome. So let’s see if I understand: a colleague, a third person, sent your husband an article that was in the woman’s page. So it is the woman we are discussing (let’s call her W) who posted this article on her page, and the third person brought it to your husband’s attention.

Who do you think is W referring to in (1) “someone you love” and in (2) “someone else” in these two sentences?

anita

Dear Nia:

I don’t see a reason for you to  be concerned with that sentence. I don’t understand what it means to send a feed (I don’t have Facebook and am not engaged with any social media other than this very website), so if there is something unusual about the third party sending the feed to your husband, let me know.

Otherwise, Nia, I think that you are over-thinking, big time. I feel badly for you because I know how distressing it is to think and think.. and think negative things, I’ve done it myself, a whole lot and suffered for it.. a whole lot.

Is there a way for you to relax, take a hot bath, listen to soft music, anything like that?

And where is your husband right now, at work (I don’t know what time it is in your side of the world)?

anita

Dear Nia:

From what you shared, your husband sounds like a good man, not a romantic one but one you can trust.  Go to your husband, will you, and ask him if is there is anything for you to worry about, regarding him being faithful to you. When he answers you that there is nothing for you to worry about, take it in, take a deep breath in and believe him, then tell him that you love him a whole lot. Let me know how it goes.

And you are welcome. (You don’t have to thank me every post).

anita

Dear Tania:

Welcome back (I didn’t notice you posted until a few minutes ago!) I am fine, thank you. Sorry to read you are not. Maybe getting out with your husband for long walks can help, getting into the outdoors if the weather is right and social distancing can be maintained.

I figure you have to stop looking at his phone, not even for a second. Make a conscious effort to never look at his phone or in the direction of his phone. Do nothing to spy on him otherwise. Make him feel comfortable in his own home. If you treat him like a suspect of a crime, no  wonder he wants his accuser to leave.

That’s what I think you should do: make him feel  comfortable and safe in his own home, where he spends so much time with you. Give him all the space that he needs within the home. When you feel badly, don’t turn against him. Calm yourself otherwise, and post here anytime.

anita

Dear Tania:

“Sometimes I still remember when he chat with her.. it’s feel so hurt.. why he give attention to that woman.. I still struggle to forget about it”- I think that I know that particular hurt you mentioned because I felt it many times long ago, it was a kind of persistent pain that keeps hurting, trying to get your attention so that you will make it feel better, an urgent kind of hurt, or pain.

What I had to do, and did, was to feel it without saying or doing anything to relieve it, for example, I had to not ask a man questions, to not look at his computer, to not check on him, etc. I had to tolerate the pain without reacting to it. Over time the pain lessened and lessened and now, what bothered me so much before, doesn’t bother me at all. I didn’t know it at the time, that it is possible to no longer be bothered by what bothered me so intensely before. But.. I found out that it is possible. Therefore, I believe it is possible  for you too.

anita

Dear Tania:

I am fine, thank you. Good to read from you. There are two important pieces of information that you didn’t mention, that are necessary for me to know, if I am to offer you my thoughts about your pregnancy and work situation:

1. Has this been a planned pregnancy, and what is your husband attitude about having a baby, about the risk of miscarriage and about your work colleague’s behavior?

2. What are your doctor’s instructions regarding you avoiding a miscarriage and regarding your work situation?

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by .