I have been following this blog for many years now and it’s one of my favorite because you give so much real and genuine advice here. This is my first post on here and I do hope that one of you can give me the objective view of what I may not see, being “in this situation”.

First I’d like to add some information about who I am and about my past relationships. I am in my mid-forties and have been married and divorced twice so far, and I met both my ex husbands online. I was born in Austria but moved abroad to live on a Caribbean island right after my first divorce. I loved living there and ran a very successful business by the time I met my second husband. He was American and we had a long-distance relationship for almost 4 years before we decided to get married and for me to move to the states to live with him. Back then I was still younger and a little immature, and because I was so in love with that man, I ignored a lot of red flags that were already there in the beginning. Once I actually lived with him, I found out that he was bipolar, and this was when he showed his real face. I don’t want to make this post about that part of my life, because I am only telling you about this so you get a better understanding of who I am today. I tried to get him to do therapy but he had already suffered from PTSD due to him becoming sober after being an alcoholic and drug addict for many years. So he was honest with me and told me that he just didn’t have the energy anymore to fight yet another demon (his words). When he was “normal”, he was the most wonderful man you can only imagine: he literally carried me on his arms, gave me gifts and treated me really like a queen. But when “his switch” turned, it was hell. He was extremely verbally abusive, told me that he didn’t even want to get married and didn’t want me to be there etc. He never was physically abusive with me, but I could see it in his eyes that he was struggling but couldn’t help himself because of the illness. I knew that he loved me, but the situation became unbearable and it changed me to a point where I had given up myself just to be there for him. Eventually I collected all my remaining strength and told him that if he didn’t agree to therapy, I will have no choice but to leave him – to save myself from going under. Long story short, he didn’t get therapy and I eventually was forced to leave – which was the right choice, even though it really broke my heart because for me, I truly loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I struggled for almost two years after that with rebuilding my damaged self and blaming myself for not honoring the marriage vows. But in the end, I healed and after almost two and a half years the divorce was final.

After I left him, I moved back to the Caribbean, trying to pick up where I left off and rebuild my business, but the economy had gotten worse, so I was forced to figure out what to do next. I decided to move back to my home country – Austria – where also my teenage daughter lived to complete her education. She had been living in the Caribbean with me before, but when I decided to move to the states to get married, she wanted to move back to Austria to go to High School there and live with her dad. So the natural desire for me was to move back to Austria (after having lived abroad for 8 years). I also started to work on my Bachelor’s degree here, which I always wanted to do but never could due to work and raising my daughter. I was, however, not planning to stay here more than a few years, until my daughter would have finished High School and (so I hoped) went to college. I planned to go either back to the states or the Caribbean once I finished my degree, because Austria just didn’t feel home to me anymore. Of course because of family here, I wanted to spend some time with them.

Then I finally finished my degree, a little while after my daughter finished High School. Because she pretty much grew up in the Caribbean, and the school system there is slightly different than in Austria, she finished High School a few years later than kids normally do. She met a nice boy and about one year into their relationship (and just when I started to plan my return to the states) she told me that she was pregnant. Fast forward  – my plans to leave were discarded (temporarily), and I am now a happy grandmother to a 10-month old adorable baby boy 🙂  I changed my plans because of course I wanted to see my grandson grow up and at least spend a few more years here to do that.

So this was just a recap of the past 10 years, and hopefully this gives you a little insight of what happened to get me where I am today. After I left my ex-husband, I worked hard on myself to make sure I heal properly and also improve on my flaws that led me to get into a relationship and marriage without acknowledging the many red flags I should have seen from the very beginning. I guess because of the emotional stress during the short marriage, I also was in and out of menopause within 2 years (not kidding you – my doctor told me that based on my hormone levels, I am 65 years old. I am postmenopausal for over 3 years now, which is very unusual at my age. Today I consider myself a very mature and strong woman who knows exactly what she wants and what not. I have dated two men within the last 4 years, and with one I thought it was going to be serious but then it turned out that he just wasn’t ready for “the ultimate relationship”  which was and still is what I want. I am at a point today where I have an amazing job, enough money to live a comfortable life, a beautiful apartment, great friends, a wonderful daughter and adorable grandson. I am pretty happy with my life and I have decided that unless I meet a man who is “on my level” and is ready and capable of the “ultimate relationship” and who wants to get married, I am happy and satisfied on my own. I love to travel and I am probably one of those rare women who really are ok being alone. Being OK is the keyword, because I feel a strong desire to get married one last time, and this time I want it to last a lifetime. I know that I have grown immensely and that I am a beautiful and loving woman who is capable of having such a relationship with the right man. Having worked on myself so hard and not having rushed into anything serious within the past years, I also know that I deserve a good and loving man. And this is where the current story starts:

About a month ago, I met a truly wonderful and genuine man online. He lives in the states but from the beginning, he made it clear that he also only wants the ultimate relationship that has the potential to last a lifetime. He also said that if he meets his soulmate, he wouldn’t care where she lives, because if we are meant for each other, we will make it work. He also said that if things went the way he hoped, he would definitely consider to even move here if that’s what we both decide. Since the day we started talking we talk on the phone every day, we text each other frequently and to put it simple: we just hit it off. We discovered a lot of things we have in common, we both are great communicators, we both want one last relationship and get married. He definitely is a catch and seems to want the same things I do, and is not willing to spend time and energy on a woman who isn’t on the same path. We have such great conversations, and we also video chat at least once every other day, so we do stay in contact and include each other in our lives. Things heated up very fast, and because I felt so good about him, I opened up a lot (which for me is very very rare these days) and so did he. He wrote me such beautiful emails, long emails, where he opened up too and shared his emotions with me. Based on the last weeks, he seems to be the right man for me, the man I wished for to be my last man. Of course, we haven’t met yet, and he was open about the fact that he was still holding back on throwing his heart into this 100% until we meet.

Two weeks into this, he said that he wanted to come see me, and if I would like that too. Of course I said yes and I was overwhelmed with happiness when he booked his flight over here. In the past, I was always the one initiating to meet the men I dated, and mostly I was the one flying to see them. Now I met this wonderful, intelligent and educated man who does what he says and just booked a flight to come see me here! I was so happy, and he will get here a week from now. We have been both so excited for the last few days, and it was clear to me that he had a hard time holding back. The way we communicated was so beautiful, honest and sincere, I have never had that with a man before and he just blow my mind!

Last night, when he called me during his lunch break (he has a very busy job but always made sure to call and text me during his days), I felt that he was somehow tense. I asked him if something happened, and he later texted me that he just was really hungry, but that he also feels a little rushed. His text message was really gentle and seemed honest, and he wrote that he wanted us to take the time to really get to know each other. He also said that he is tired of starting relationships that end, and wanted to do it right this time. He also said that he is amazed by me, and really excited to see me next week, that he can see my inner and outer beauty and appreciates me so much. So long thing short – in my heart I do believe that he is sincere with me and is serious about us building a lasting relationship with each other. I was, however, pretty thrown back when he sent me that text, telling me that things move too fast for him and that he needed to take it a bit slower. Again, he wrote it in such a nice way that I really believe that he told me the real reasons. He also made sure to mention several times that he still is very optimistic about us, and excited to see me next week and get to know me. He did emphasize on the part that he wanted to get to know me and spend time with me, and work the steps with me that need to be gone through in order to build a potentially lasting relationship.

So why am I asking you for your advice?

While I trust my intuition in this situation, I guess I am a little confused because of the fact that we both went crazy and got so excited, and now he is putting on the brakes. He told me several times how much he loved my way of showing him that I cared about him and how thoughtful and loving I am. I asked him a couple times if I was too intense (because I know myself, and when I know that something good is in front of me, I give my heart and always match the other person’s energy), but he said no, and that he loved it. He told me so many times that I am probably the most wonderful woman he has ever met and that he also believes that we could be an amazing couple. So it wasn’t just me being all excited about this, and now he wants to slow down. I am just having a hard time figuring out how to behave now, because I am just a very outgoing personality, and holding back my feelings is not who I am. But at the same time, I don’t want to ruin this, because I feel that this could really be something great. I don’t want to push him away (I have done this in the past, but when I was much younger and more immature), but give him and us the time we need to go through the steps. I just don’t know how to take it down a notch? Am I supposed to still text him several times a day, or should I now wait until he reaches out? I know he will, I just don’t know how to go about this now, and I really hope to get some constructive advise from you.

Thank you so much in advance! I haven’t written him today yet, but decided to first breathe and post this here, before I do something wrong. Usually, and because of the time difference with him, I would send him a good-morning video every day before I go to work. Once he starts his day, he would send me a long text message or email. So I am not sure if I should reach out to him like I did every day, or if “taking it slower” means that I have to give him more space and opportunity to reach out to me first (“chase me”??). I always believed that when two people met and they are right for each other, there is no such thing as too fast, because it will happen on its own. Now I am just a bit insecure about what to do……………but I really like this man and want to build something with him that lasts.

I am so looking forward to hear your input…………..